Why you should start thinking about death (w/ Alua Arthur) (Transcript)

[00:00:00] Chris Duffy:
You are listening to How to Be a Better Human. I'm your host, Chris Duffy, and this is the first episode of season four of our podcast. Thank you so much for listening. We are really excited to be back. On today's episode, we're gonna be talking about an experience that every single human being on the planet is going to experience, but one that we often avoid acknowledging or discussing openly. I'm talking about death.

One of the first times that I ever really contemplated death was when I was a little kid and my pet hermit crab named Crabby died. I had unfortunately decided, without my parents knowing it, that I was gonna bring Crabby along on a trip that we were taking to the beach.

But when we got to the parking lot, I got really excited about the beach, and I forgot that I had brought Crabby in the car. And so when we got back after a long day at the beach, the car had been really hot and Crabby melted. He'd melted right into the floor mat. It was disgusting and horrific. Not a good way to go.

I'll feel guilty about that for the rest of my life. Crabby, if you can hear me, I am so sorry. Now, I think we can all agree that none of us want to go out like Crabby, but how do we actually want to go? All kidding aside, refusing to think about our plan for death just makes it less likely that things at the end of our lives will go the way we want them to.

And of course, we can never have complete control over the circumstances. But today's guest, Alua Arthur, wants us to make sure that we are thoughtful, that we are present, and that we are mindful of the experience right up until our very last breath. Alua thinks and talks about death in a way that has forever changed how I picture it and how I think about it for myself, and I am so excited for you to hear from her today. Here's a clip from Alua's TED Talk.

[00:01:41] Alua Arthur:
I wanna die at sunset. I wanna watch the sky change and turn orange and pink and purple as day dies into night. I want to hear the wind fluttering through the leaves. And smell very faintly, nag champa amber incense, but very faintly because scent can be tough on a dying body.

I wanna die with socks on my feet because I get cold, and if I die with a bra on, I'm coming to haunt everybody. I will terrorize you, and that is a threat. Okay? Hmm. I wanna die in my own bed, in my own home with my loved ones nearby who are talking amongst themselves and comforting each other for this very big thing that's about to happen in their lives.

I wanna die with all of my affairs in order, so my loved ones have nothing to worry about but their grief after I die. I wanna die empty, devoid of all of the skill, gift, talent, and light that I carry in this body. And satiated, full of the richness of this one unique human ride. And when my loved ones notice that I have released my last breath, I want them to clap. I want them to clap because I died well, but I died well, only because I lived well.

[00:03:00] Chris Duffy:
We're gonna have much more with Alua right after this quick break. Don't go anywhere.

[BREAK][00:03:14] Chris Duffy:
Today we're talking about life, death, and end of life planning with Alua Arthur.

[00:03:18] Alua Arthur:
Hi, my name is Alua Arthur and I am a death doula, a death educator, and the founder of Going With Grace, which is an end of life planning, training, and support organization.

[00:03:29] Chris Duffy:
Okay, well, what is a death doula? What does this work actually entail or look like?

[00:03:32] Alua Arthur:
Great place to start. So a death doula is somebody who does all of the holistic and non-medical care and support of the dying person and their family, or circle of support through the process. So when people are healthy, we can help them complete comprehensive end of life plans. I know it doesn't sound like you need a death doula when you're healthy, but that's the perfect time to start planning for death.

When people know what it is that they're gonna be dying of, meaning that they have a terminal illness diagnosis, we can support them in experiencing the most ideal death for themselves under the circumstances and make sure as many of their affairs are wrapped up as possible. And then after somebody dies, we can help family members wrap up the affairs of their loved one’s life.

[00:04:13] Chris Duffy:
Something that, uh, I was really struck by when I saw you give your TED talk, and I know that you've talked about in a lot of interviews, is the way that joy and laughter and excitement are parts of your work. 'Cause I think that many people think of death as this very, like, somber, serious, sad thing.

[00:04:32] Alua Arthur:
They do, they do. But I've also found that there's so much, there is a lot of joy at the end of life. There's a lot of beauty. There's a lot of laughter. We see the best of people. Granted, we also sometimes see the worst of people, but we also see the best of people as somebody that they love lays dying. Our whole humanity is really just, is laying in our faces as death is occurring, and that means the entire spectrum of it. So there's also a lot of joy, a lot of love, a lot of moments of tenderness and, and joy and connection.

[00:05:02] Chris Duffy:
How has helping usher people into their death changed the way that you think about life and living?

[00:05:08] Alua Arthur:
It’s changed everything. For starters, personally and just as a really quick and poignant reminder that I'm still alive. As you watch life leave a body and you, and you can feel the stillness that envelops the room and the space afterward, it’s impossible to not then tap back into your own mortality. The fact that you are still breathing and vibrant and vital and that I can still move my arms and say words and express myself and eat good food, it's hard not to be changed by it. And so doing it consistently means that those lessons, that, that impact, it still rubs off on me.

[00:05:46] Chris Duffy:
One of the few spaces that people have for thinking about death and mortality is often in faith traditions and these religious frameworks. I think that people who don't identify with a religious tradition sometimes, there isn't a, a secular way of thinking about these as much. So how do you think about the role of faith and spirituality in, in your work?

[00:06:06] Alua Arthur:
It's really juicy. It's really juicy. 'Cause people have all types of beliefs, you know what I mean? I've heard some wild things, things that I'm like, “Could that be possible? I guess it could be because none of us know.” Right? Uh, but I find that people, even the most religious, end up questioning what their beliefs are near the end of life. I agree that religion gives us an entryway into thinking about it, but I think for a lot of religions it's more like, well, don't worry about it because it's what happens after you die. And it's this, like, beautiful, idyllic type of place. And so it kind of makes the prospect of dying, um, seem not so scary if you fall on the right side of that religion. You picking up what I'm putting down?

[00:06:45] Chris Duffy:
Yes. Absolutely.

[00:06:46] Alua Arthur:
Yeah. Right. 'Cause if you don't, then it's just, it's terrible.

[00:06:48] Chris Duffy:
It’s really scary. Yeah.

[00:06:49] Alua Arthur:
It’s very, very scary. Um, and so it is a really easy way through, but I think an even more simple way is to think about our practical affairs. That, to me, is a very straightforward way through. I think about this all the time, like with my passwords and stuff, when I can't remember a password and I'm like, “Oh my God, if I can't remember it now, still living, still got this brain, granted 45 years old and I didn't sleep so well last night, so I might not be as sharp today, but if I can't remember it today, then how is anybody supposed to be able to figure out how to get into any of my stuff after I die?” Passwords, accounts, thinking about your possessions, what you want done with them. Who's gonna enjoy something after you die? Thinking about your pets, who's gonna care for them? Who would you like to care for them? How do they like to be taken care of? There's a lot of very everyday things that can bring our mortality into plain view if we're willing to look, when we're willing to look, 'cause it's around us all the time.

[00:07:42] Chris Duffy:
If people are listening and they haven't thought about this before, what are some of the first steps that you think they should take to, to consider their own mortality in a way that, uh, is both responsible and not overwhelming?

[00:07:53] Alua Arthur:
It depends on who you are. There's a practical, there's exercise. There's something I really enjoy is just sitting where you are, looking around you and seeing how many dying things you can see around you, or how many dead things. Uh, if you need some help with that exercise, go to your fridge, open it up. I'm sure there's a bag of vegetables someplace in there that's dying. The, ways like this, we can start injecting a bit of mortality into our everyday lives, and to me that's the best, the most efficient way to start thinking about death consistently, is to find little drops of it everywhere. And then before time, you'll find that it's created enough of an impact that you begin to be able to think about your life in those big terms so it's not too overwhelming. Absolutely.

[00:08:34] Chris Duffy:
Absolutely. And, and I guess, uh, the, the question that also brings up for me is like, why would we want to think more about mortality? Like, why would we want to inject more mortality into our life?

[00:08:43] Alua Arthur:
That’s tricky.

[00:08:43] Chris Duffy:
Because I think a lot of people are trying so hard to do the opposite. Right? To, to blind themselves to it, to, to, to never think about mortality.

[00:08:49] Alua Arthur:
I know, but then their dying comes in. It meets them as a surprise, and then all of a sudden they're thinking about all the things that they wanted to do with their lives that they didn't, or all the people that they wanted to be or how they wanted to show up, or all the apologies they never made, or all the thank you’s they never said, or how they weren't present for some of the moments in their lives that could have had the potential to be those pivotal things, but they weren't present for it because they never thought about the fact that one day their life would end, so they should probably pay attention to what's happening in front of them.

When we don't think about our mortality, we don't create space for us to get really real with ourselves about who we are, what we value. We don't have an opportunity to reconcile who we thought we were supposed to be with who we actually are, or the position our relationships are in. Or our career, our relationship with our children or not. Our joy, our bliss, our curiosity, our purpose, our meaning. If we ascribe any importance to that at all.

But when we're thinking about our mortality, everything comes in really, really sharp focus. You know, when I'm thinking about the end of my life, it means the end of my life. All parts of it are a wrap, and so let me start thinking about those things. If I'm not happy with how they'd wrap up today, then every day I live as an opportunity to work on that.

[00:10:09] Chris Duffy:
You know, you both do the, the day-to-day work of being a death doula. You also speak about it and you have a book. You have all of these pieces of, of the public nature of it as well. What is the meaning that you find in sharing this work and, and spreading it as widely as you can?

[00:10:26] Alua Arthur:
I actually found this work a year prior to my brother-in-law dying.

[00:10:30] Chris Duffy:
Oh, wow. Okay.

[00:10:31] Alua Arthur:
Yeah. So I'd been practicing law at the Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles for almost nine years, and I grew depressed. Uh, that's why I was joking about working as a lawyer and it driving me to my death.

[00:10:44] Chris Duffy:
Uh-huh.

[00:10:44] Alua Arthur:
But I, it, uh, like a really serious, a clinical depression. I went on a medical leave of absence because I just, I, I couldn't function any longer. And on that leave of absence, I went to Cuba where I met a young woman on a bus who had uterine cancer.

And we, she was a fellow traveler. We talked a lot about her life, and I started to ask her questions about her death. I asked her to imagine herself on the death bed. Don't ask me where I had the balls to talk to anybody like this, but I did. And she went along with me, and through that conversation, I began to see how she was unburdening herself with her life and the things that she'd wanted to do that she'd never done. And you know, and all that stuff.

And it turned the table back on my own life, like, she served as a mirror for me and I looked at my own life and I thought, “Wow, this is not the life that I want.” If I were to imagine myself on my deathbed today, this isn't it. This is not the life that I wanted. And so that's when the idea of being with people as they were thinking about their mortality first popped into my head.

When I came back from that trip, I started researching death and spirituality psychology programs, et cetera. Nothing came through, like there were a few things that were great, but nothing felt like the right thing to do. And so I kept traveling and kept reading about death and dying and was really curious. And then my brother-in-law got sick. And so the idea had already been planted somewhere in my body, mind.

[00:12:07] Chris Duffy:
Huh.

[00:12:07] Alua Arthur:
But his illness is the thing that really brought it to life. For folks that have been in this position themselves, first of all, I hear you, and I'm sorry. That sucks so hard because it probably really, really, really did.

I find that a lot of people who come to the work come because somebody has died and they didn't like it, or they want it to be better for somebody else, or they found a way to navigate the system that could be useful to support others. And for that, I absolutely acknowledge and, and support. Um, I also think that folks need to be careful not to use this work to try to heal themselves and to process their own grief.

Don't get me wrong, we are healing ourselves through all the modalities we choose all the time. But I think it's better if we spend some time processing d-grief on our own before we come out and try and support other people through it. Part of the reason I do this is because I saw firsthand how important it was to have somebody there that my family and I could rely on as my brother-in-law died, and I didn't want anybody else to suffer the way that we'd suffered, for starters. And then secondarily, I also saw all the gifts that it brought for the individual personally.

[00:13:15] Chris Duffy:
We're gonna take a quick ad break and then we will be right back.

[BREAK][00:13:27] Chris Duffy:
We are back. So Alua, something that I want to talk to you about is how many people who are helping a family member or a friend at the end of their life have been thrust into that situation without their choice. It's, it's a moment and a responsibility that they're pushed into more than that they chose to be there for, whereas for you and for other death doulas, this is a moment that you have trained for and have prepared for, a moment that you've chosen to participate in.

So how can people who aren't already death doulas but are having to do similar work, how can they prepare for that or educate themselves so that they feel more prepared and capable in the moment? And then also on a practical level, if someone is looking for a professional death doula to help them, how do they go about finding that person?

[00:14:13] Alua Arthur:
So most people are gonna serve as a death doula at some point in their lives. We live in community, we die in community. Somebody in your community is gonna die and you're probably gonna show up to support them in some way. Because of that, I wish that everybody had functional death literacy. Everybody had an opportunity to learn and practice skills like active listening. Learn about the resources available to support people that are dying. Uh, learn about funeral services, talking to folks about what they want, talking about life support and advanced care directives and uh, powers of attorney and what to do with possessions. I wish everybody had those skills 'cause that would go a long way.

And in the event that you don't, because currently in society there's not a lot of functional death literacy going on, and totally understandable, for now, you can always look for a death doula. You can find death doulas in many places. Uh. The Internet's a great place to start. Granted, when you're looking for a death doula, make sure that you're looking for somebody who matches your belief system, or at least is open to thinking about the work very secularly. Look for somebody that you just jive with, somebody that feels like a good fit because that person's gonna be invited into your most intimate space. Um, if you're curious about what, what they learned and how they learned it, maybe you wanna check in to see what their training or, um, if they've worked with doulas before or where they learned how to do this work overall, because that's gonna be important.

And lastly, I suggest that you pay really close attention to the amount of emotional depth or space this person is making for you in your initial conversation with them, because that's gonna go a really long way when you're working with them.

Several organizations have directories that you can find a death doula on. For one, Going with Grace, the organization I run, keeps an active directory of all the doulas we've trained, and not all of them, but the ones that wanna show up for the directory and the National End of Life Doula Alliance, which is the organization that organizes us all. They have a directory also on their website. So there are places that you can go and search for a doula in particular.

[00:16:14] Chris Duffy:
When someone starts working with a death doula, what is the beginning of that process like? Like, what are the questions that you ask someone in your first meeting?

[00:16:21] Alua Arthur:
Very basic question is, “How can I support you?” That's one of my favorite questions to ask, even of myself sometimes. What support do you need? How can I support you? Uh, often the answer’s “I don't know” or they explain a little bit what's going on. Um, I almost always ask, like, what position they found themselves in such that they called, because sometimes they're not calling because somebody's dying, but because they want an opportunity to start preparing themselves or, um, getting their advanced planning documents done, or they're just curious and wanna learn a little bit more.

Uh, after we learn what state we're in and what's what's happening, then we can try to figure out how to move forward. But I'll say just very generally that there is no, like, handbook on how to doula. I wish that there was a way. Granted, we use a handbook in the end of life training course that I, that I run, but it's based on what we teach, which is intuition, presence, uh, listening, working with your own judgment bias, anger, and then a lot of very practical information like the laws in your state about funerals and dead bodies and who can transport them and what to do with them, how to care for dying bodies, how to care for other people that aren't dying, et cetera.

[00:17:33] Chris Duffy:
One thing that I think is interesting about this particular type of conversation around death and, and mortality with people is that, at least for me, I'll just speak for myself. It's something that I don't think I've actively thought about a ton, but then when I start to actually think, like, “Well, what would I want?” I have really strong feelings, and that seems to me like one of the biggest reasons to talk about this is because you do want to make sure that, like, your feelings would be respected, that your wishes would be carried out. But if you don't tell anyone, how could anyone possibly know what's in there? How could you even know? I only am starting to do that, those, that process of thinking it out, because it feels distant. And I guess the reality is like, who knows? We don't know how distant it is.

[00:18:14] Alua Arthur:
Says everybody. Now, you know, I'm just gonna ask you, what would you like?

[00:18:20] Chris Duffy:
Well, one of the things is thinking about like the, the physical thing of what happens with your body. And I'm like, oh, I think I would definitely want my body to decompose. I don't want it to, you know, be embalmed in a way that feels, I'm just gonna say for myself, feels unnatural. I, I would want it to be, you know, to return into other living things in the earth.

And, and also I would want it to, if I have the ability to donate organs and prolong other people's lives, then I would want that to happen too. Um, so those are two big things that I think I actually really have to communicate because they're not necessarily the default.

[00:18:54] Alua Arthur:
Absolutely. Uh, what I've been able to surmise is that you might be interested or curious about the idea of a green burial.

[00:19:02] Chris Duffy:
Mm-Hmm.

[00:19:02] Alura Arthur:
So that you can, are you familiar with the green burial?

[00:19:05] Chris Duffy:
I’ve heard the term, but that's as far as familiarity goes for me.

[00:19:08] Alua Arthur:
Okay, great. So what happens is in a green burial, you're buried no more than three and a half feet underground, where it's not too cold so that the bugs can actually get to you in all biodegradable elements. So you're in a cardboard box or just in a shroud of some sort or a pine box. Everything on your body has to be biodegradable. Uh, there's no concrete vault. 'cause normally for a burial, there’s, uh, concrete slabs that are put in the ground and then the coffin is lowered into the concrete slabs and they cover with more concrete and then put the dirt on top of that.

But in a green burial, you're, you're just in the ground directly. And then the people that care to come and visit you, if anybody are given a set of coordinates where they can come and find you, there's no, like, headstone or anything of the sort. Uh, it's my preference as well for what I want done with my body after I die, although there's a lot of new options out there.

Uh, for folks that are interested in their bodies decomposing, I don't know if you've heard of Recompose, but natural organic reduction. It's essentially natural organic reduction of the body, essentially human composting. So the body is put in a, in a vault and then, or in, um, a container, a vessel, and then they turn it periodically until the body has, uh, decomposed entirely and it's turned back into soil.

So there's a lot of ways for those of us that think about what we want done with our body and maybe the environment to have access to body disposition, that, that mirrors that as well.

[00:20:34] Chris Duffy:
Interesting. Just even in just hearing you talk in that very brief moment, there is just one, how little I knew about what like a, quote-unquote “conventional” burial was, right? The idea of it's, there's a concrete slab and all of that, that was news to me. And then I, I do feel a little, like, visceral discomfort and like, like, uh, ickiness or like a, like thinking about both ways, right? Like being put into a concrete vault and also, like, bugs and it just is, uh, it makes me realize how, how little practice I have of talking or thinking about this.

[00:21:06] Alua Arthur:
Well, here we are today, Chris, this year. Lucky day. Hahaha.

[00:21:10] Chris Duffy:
Yeah. Does that go away? Does that go away for you? Do you feel really comfortable now thinking about these things or talking about it, or do you still have kind of a visceral feeling when you think about your own death and your own body?

[00:21:20] Alua Arthur:
Not so much. Not so much. At every turn, there is an opportunity to look at that ick and that discomfort, and what about it makes you uncomfortable? Because when you start digging into that, I bet that you'll probably find something that's also showing up in how you're approaching life that makes you uncomfortable. I mean, death is really, it's the other side of the coin.

How I feel about my death is probably how I feel about my life. The things that I fear in my death are probably similar to the things that I fear in my life. My fear of death, big one that I'm noticing more and more lately is a big concern that I'm gonna die before my work is done or before my things are done.

Even though I understand that death is absolutely sovereign in its timing, that when it comes, that will just be it and my work will actually be done. What y'all do with it afterward is up to you, but my part is gonna be finished.

[00:22:06] Chris Duffy:
Oh.

[00:22:07] Alua Arthur:
And that shows up in how I live.

[00:22:08] Chris Duffy:
It's also, you know, we live in a, a, at least a dominant culture that is so celebratory of youth and of newness and has a lot of judgment and fear around aging and getting older and closer to death.

[00:22:25] Alua Arthur:
100%. I've been thinking a lot how people like to say, “Oh, you don't look your age,” as a compliment of some sort. And when people say that, I think immediately, “Oh my, your deathphobia is showing.”

[00:22:40] Chris Duffy:
Uh-huh.

[00:22:20] Alua Arthur:
I can see because I don't know. What is 45 supposed to look like? Am I like supposed to look decrepit now? I don't know. I find it fascinating. Yeah, we do place a lot of value on youth and not getting close to the end, but none of us know when the end actually is. It could be tomorrow, and I don't think I look any closer to death tomorrow than I do today. I mean, it's all relative.
[00:23:05] Chris Duffy:
When you think about death, how, it, is it different to think about these deaths where there's a time before where there's an awareness? So, people are given a diagnosis or maybe they're just approaching a, a very advanced age. And so there's, there's more of a sense of, like, “I know when this is coming” versus people who aren't given as much time. Maybe it's an accident or it's something more sudden. Um, how do you think about making both of those kinds of deaths good deaths?

[00:23:31] Alua Arthur:
I think every death is a good death. I think it's based on how the person lived before that marks it as so for those of us that are watching or not. Um, when, when we can live our lives with some awareness that death could be approaching at any time, whatever it is that happens ultimately means that I died a good death because I lived a good life.

So, there's plenty of work to be done for us every single day, not knowing whether or not death comes as a result of an illness or an aneurysm to make sure that whatever death it is that we have is a good one. I think it's tough, though, because when we place a value judgment on what's a good death as opposed to what's a bad death, it turns, it seems to weaponize those that experience things that, um, you know, I wanna be clear that my work isn't just about sunshine and rainbows and singing kumbaya and laughing a lot as people die.

Sure there's a healthy amount of that, but there's also murder and stillbirth and overdoses and suicides, and those are also painful and difficult to be around. And when we talk about bad death necessarily, the people that are still around after that suicide then are buried under the weight of that judgment. I don't think it's fair. I would rather that we just think of death as neutral like it is so that uh, those of us that love somebody that died in a way that doesn't seem pleasant don't have that added pain.

[00:24:55] Chris Duffy:
Absolutely. That's, I, I, I think that's such an important piece of this, right? Is that, that there's the double pain of the loss of the person and then also the, the judgment or the stigma of the way that people go.

[00:25:05] Alua Arthur:
Yeah. And also, you know, often when we think about a good death, we're thinking about in a particular way, uh, in your own home, surrounded by people that you love, you know, free of pain, been able to say all the things that you wanted to, you gently close your eyes and you drift off to never, neverland. And then that's it.

We think of that as a good death, but a lot of the things that are wrapped up in that can be discussed and talked about beforehand so that we can get as close to it as possible, but also we have to think about all the privilege that lies even in being able to conceive of that type of death or have that type of death.

One of the students in the Going with Grace End of Life Training course, a trans student, could not conceive of a good death for themselves because all they'd seen and knew about mostly were murders of other trans folks. And so we have to constantly also pay attention to the bias that allows us to have that perspective to begin with and start to see if we can cut that down as well while we're living.

And then, so let's do our best to also take away the judgment of the good or bad so that people who don't have access to the good death are not also suffering against, against that additional grief as well. But yes, let's break down all the systems of oppression, please. Thanks.

[00:26:19] Chris Duffy:
You know, a, a thing that is really fundamental here is that this is one of the only experiences or one of the very few, that every single human being is going to have.

[00:26:32] Alua Arthur:
Yeah. Absolutely. I love that idea. I also bristle sometimes when I hear people talk about death as the great equalizer. In particular, it is equal in that we all do it. You know, nobody got a choice. You're all gonna die.

[00:26:47] Chris Duffy:
Yeah.

[00:26:47] Alua Arthur:
Dying is a socially constructed, culturally constructed process that is informed by the power dynamics in the culture. Because that's how we create cultures, right? We look at hierarchies and structures and so on and so forth, and all those structures are unequal. We don't all live the same, we don't all die the same. We die at different rates of different diseases, um, with different access to pain medication and healthcare, et cetera. And so, yes, at the end, we're all dead, but the, the process through which we go is not equal at all.

[00:27:19] Chris Duffy:
We also all eat, and I think we all know that, like, we do not eat the same meals. or at the same quality or at the same quantity.

[00:27:25] Alua Arthur:
Well, I mean, some people eat through a feeding tube. You know, I ate cake for breakfast.

[00:27:31] Chris Duffy:
Did you really?

[00:27:32] Alua Arthur:
Yeah. I ordered cake last night with my sister.

[00:27:33] Chris Duffy:
Wow.

[00:27:33] Alua Arthur:
I had a bunch of cake, also granola and a banana.

[00:27:38] Chris Duffy:
Well, uh, that also gets to something else that I wanted to ask you about, which is like, what is your favorite part of being alive, of living?

[00:27:44] Alua Arthur:
Oh, man, that's such a big, beautiful question. There's a lot of them. I love eating. I really like eating. I like the flavors, textures, crunch, all that. I love my niece's laughter. Uh, I love when instinctively, and I'm sleeping, and my partner and I roll over at the same time. Ooh. So we keep the cuddle. I love that.

[00:28:05] Chris Duffy:
Oh.

[00:28:05] Alua Arthur:
I love keeping the cuddle, um, sunshine on my face. I love a hammock. I just bought myself a hammock 'cause I love them so much. Why can't I just have one? Uh, I love being able to make eye contact. That's really rad. That's really rad and so trippy after a while. Like if you really pay attention to what you're doing, you're like, what is this human in front of me?

Um, I love, I love how big my nephew's neck is right now. He's 18 and somehow he's morphed into a man in front of me. It's fascinating. I love the perfection in nature. I, I generally love living.

[00:28:48] Chris Duffy:
I think a lot of people that have caretaking professions. It's, it can sometimes be hard when you get home at the end of the day to let go, to kind of have a divide. So how do you handle that for yourself?

[00:28:58] Alua Arthur:
There is not a lot of “let go” in this work, but when I'm home physically from seeing somebody, uh, there's a number of rituals that I undertake for myself just to try to clear and make some space. And also I make sure to watch absolute crap television. But I try to take a bath when I get back from seeing a client and watch the water run down the drain to remind myself that what is not mine to keep is now gone.

I see a therapist quite regularly 'cause necessary. Uh, I think those of us that are in the helping professions, like you were saying, generally pretty empathic and are kind of porous by nature. And so have a hard time remembering, you know, which is mine and what belongs to somebody else, and what is this grief that I'm feeling. And a lot of times I'm grieving for my clients, but I'm also grieving with them. Uh, so just getting a lot more clear on what belongs to me and what isn’t mine is a useful practice and ritual.

[00:29:56] Chris Duffy:
So what are some things that, obviously each person's experience is gonna be different and each person's needs are gonna be different, but are there some pieces that everyone should think about? Like, for example, a advanced care directive or, or something like that. What are some things that everyone should do?

[00:30:10] Alua Arthur:
It's a great place to start, advanced care planning. Um, thinking about things like who you want to make your decisions for you in the event that you are not able to. That can be a really hard, very hard decision for many people to make.

'Cause you gotta think about somebody who would make decisions the way that you would and do what you would want as opposed to what they would want. Think about your desires or lack thereof for life support, uh, how you wanna be cared for and treated near the end of your life, like your desires for ambiance or noise.

You like the TV on. Do you want any religious text read? Who do you want to be there? Who do you not want to be there, considering your body and its disposition? Um, your services. Uh, who you want to plan your services, if at all. Think about your possessions, what you want done with all the things after you're done using them.

All your junk too. I have this wonderful screaming goat right here, like, who is gonna use this after I die? Um, but also the big ticket items. Dependents. Children, adult disabled dependents, people that are dependent on you for care, your pets. Who do you want to care for them after you die?

Passing all along some important information about them that other people wouldn't know or can't find. Um, also considering all your important biographical information and documents like your birth certificate, social security card, like, where is all that stuff? Put it together. Make it real easy and put a note on the top of the file that says, “In case of death, open.” Um, put all the important information in there.

Some of that's like the practical stuff, but I think it gets really rich when we start thinking about our lives in some context, considering, you know, the type of person that you've been and the people that have kind of made the big greatest impact on you and the qualities of yourself that you'd like other people to remember, stories that people might tell about you, et cetera. Thinking about your life also.

[00:31:57] Chris Duffy:
What are other things that people kind of tend to get wrong as you increasingly are a, a public figure in the face of this?

[00:32:03] Alua Arthur:
First of all, yikes. Um, next, I would like to say people get wrong that I'm a weirdo, but it's true.

[00:32:12] Chris Duffy:
The highest praise in my book to be a weirdo, so…

[00:32:13] Alua Arthur:
Absolutely. Just doing things a little left all the time. My mom, the other day was like, “Well, you know, you and your friends, you're a little different.” And I said, “Yes, mom. We are.” Uh, I think people also think that, um, sunshine and rainbows a lot of the times. But I'm not at all, and I would like people to give everybody grace to just be human.

You know, me included. I don't have anything figured out because I work in death and dying. What I figured out is that I gotta give myself plenty of space to not have any of it figured out, and that's gotta be just fine. It is just fine, in fact. Uh, I think people also think that I am morbid by nature. I think sometimes they're surprised to learn that I focus on life and really enjoy the living part of this whole death thing that I'm talking about.

Because I think people think death and they think, you know, blunt black bangs and hanging out in cemeteries all the time.

[00:33:08] Chris Duffy:
Mm-hmm.

[00:33:08] Alua Arthur:
Right. But instead, I'm Black as Black can be. Uh, and I have no bangs.

[00:33:18] Chris Duffy:
Well, Alua Arthur, thank you so much for being here on the show. It's been a real pleasure talking to you.

[00:33:22] Alua Arthur:
Likewise. Thank you for having me.

[00:33:28] Chris Duffy:
That is it for today's episode of How to Be a Better Human. Thank you so much to today's guest, Alua Arthur. Her book is called Briefly Perfectly Human. I am your host, Chris Duffy, and you can find more from me, including my weekly newsletter and up coming live shows at chrisduffycomedy.com. How to Be a Better Human is brought to you on the TED side by Daniela Balarezo, Chloe Shasha Brooks and Joseph DeBrine, who never say no to cake for breakfast. This episode was fact-checked by Julia Dickerson and Matheus Salles, who prefer granola and a banana.

And on the PRX side, our show is put together by a team who edit audio while simultaneously laying back an individual hammocks. Morgan Flannery, Noor Gill, Patrick Grant, and Jocelyn Gonzales. And of course, thanks to you for listening to our show and making this all possible.

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