The Jill and Julia Show

♫ Jill Sobule: At a conference in Monterey by the big, big jellyfish tank, ♫

♫ I first saw you and I got so shy. ♫

♫ You see, I was a little paranoid 'cause I might have been high. ♫

♫ And I hadn't done that in ages and I won't do that again. ♫

♫ But that's another story. ♫

♫ Loved you forever and I've been a big fan, ♫

♫ the one-woman shows, I even rented "Pat." ♫

♫ I got enough nerve to come up to you, ♫

♫ but little did I know one year later we'd be doing this show. ♫

♫ I sing. Julia Sweeney: I tell stories. Together: The Jill and Julia Show. ♫

♫ Sobule: Sometimes it works. Sweeney: Sometimes it doesn't. ♫

♫ Together: The Jill and Julia Show. ♫

♫ Sweeney: At a conference in Monterey next to the big, big jellyfish tank, ♫

♫ I first saw you and I wasn't so shy. ♫

I made a beeline for you and told you what a huge fan I was ever since I was writing that pilot for Fox, and Wendy and I wanted you to do the theme song. And then the pilot didn't go and I was so sad, but I kept remaining a fan of yours. And then when I went through that big, horrible breakup with Carl and I couldn't get off the couch, I listened to your song, ♫ "Now That I Don't Have You," ♫ over and over and over and over again. And I can't believe you're here and that I'm meeting you here at TED. And also, I can't believe that we're eating sushi in front of the fish tank, which, personally, I think is really inappropriate. (Laughter) (Applause)

And little did I know that one year later ... ♫ we'd be doing this show. ♫

♫ Sobule: I sing. Sweeney: I tell stories. Together: The Jill and Julia Show. ♫

Sobule: Hey, they asked us back! Sweeney: Can you stand it?!

♫ Together: The Jill and Julia, the Jill and Julia, the Jill and Julia Show. ♫

♫ Sobule: Why are all our heroes so imperfect? ♫

♫ Why do they always bring me down? ♫

♫ Why are all our heroes so imperfect? ♫

♫ Statue in the park has lost his crown. ♫

♫ William Faulkner, drunk and depressed. ♫ Sweeney: Mmm.

♫ Dorothy Parker, mean, drunk and depressed. ♫ Sweeney: I know.

♫ And that guy, "Seven Years in Tibet," turned out to be a Nazi. ♫ Sweeney: Yeah.

♫ Founding fathers all had slaves. ♫ Sweeney: I know.

♫ The explorers slaughtered the braves. ♫ Sweeney: Horribly.

♫ Sobule: The Old Testament God can be so petty. ♫

Sweeney: Don't get me started on that. (Laughter)

♫ Sobule: Paul McCartney, jealous of John, even more so now that he's gone. ♫

♫ Dylan was so mean to Donovan in that movie. ♫

♫ Pablo Picasso, cruel to his wives. ♫ Sweeney: Horrible.

♫ Sobule: My favorite poets took their own lives. ♫

♫ Orson Welles peaked at twenty-five, below before our eyes. ♫

♫ And he sold bad wine. ♫

♫ Together: Why are all our heroes so imperfect? Yeah ♫

♫ Why do they always bring me down? ♫

♫ Sobule: Heard Babe Ruth was full of malice. ♫ Sweeney: Oh.

♫ Lewis Carroll I'm sure did Alice. ♫ Sweeney: What?!

♫ Plato in the cave with those very young boys. ♫ Sweeney: Ooh...

♫ Sobule: Hillary supported the war. ♫

♫ Sweeney: Even Thomas Friedman supported the war. ♫ (Laughter)

♫ Sobule: Colin Powell turned out to be ... Together: ... such a pussy. ♫ (Laughter) (Applause)

♫ Sobule: William Faulkner, drunk and depressed, ♫

♫ Tennessee Williams, drunk and depressed. ♫ Sweeney: Yeah.

♫ Sobule: Take it, Julia. ♫

Sweeney: Okay. Oprah was never necessarily a big hero of mine. I mean, I watch Oprah mostly when I'm home in Spokane visiting my mother. And to my mother, Oprah is a greater moral authority than the Pope, which is actually saying something because she's a devout Catholic. Anyway, I like Oprah -- I like her girlfriendy-ness, I like her weight issues, I like how she's transformed talk television, I like how she's brought reading back to America -- but there was something that happened the last two weeks that was ... I call it the Soon-Yi moment: it is the moment when I cannot continue supporting someone. And that was that she did two entire shows promoting that movie "The Secret." Do you guys know about that movie "The Secret"? It makes "What the Bleep Do We Know" seem like a doctoral dissertation from Harvard on quantum mechanics -- that's how bad it is. It makes "The DaVinci Code" seem like "War and Peace." That movie is so horrible. It promotes such awful pseudoscience. And the basic idea is that there's this law of attraction, and your thoughts have this vibrating energy that goes out into the universe and then you attract good things to happen to you. On a scientific basis, it's more than just "Power of Positive Thinking" -- it has a horrible, horrible dark side. Like if you get ill, it's because you've just been thinking negative thoughts. Yeah, stuff like that was in the movie and she's promoting it. And all I'm saying is that I really wish that Murray Gell-Mann would go on Oprah and just explain to her that the law of attraction is, in fact, not a law. So that's what I have to say. (Laughter)

(Applause)

♫ Sobule: I sing. Sweeney: I tell stories. Together: The Jill and Julia Show. ♫

♫ Sobule: Sometimes it works. Sweeney: Sometimes it doesn't. ♫

♫ Together: The Jill and Julia, the Jill and Julia, the Jill and Julia Show. ♫

(Applause)