ALTERNATE WAYS TO SUCCEED USING YOUR WITS TO WIN!
by Alan Abel
1. When handsome Bob had submitted his first book manuscript to a dozen publishers, which they all rejected, he decided he wanted a major agent. The one he chose, a well -connected, attractive young lady, said she was too busy with published authors. And she told him not to call her again, please.
SOLUTION: I suggested he track the agent’s daily schedule and report back to me. Her lunch hour was 1 pm, returning to her office at 2:30. Bob’s roommate, Hugo, was a weightlifter and he agreed to participate in my charade. Briefly, Bob and Hugo waited until the agent entered her elevator, they followed and Hugo made an amorous advance on the agent; Bob knocked him out just as they arrived at her floor. She invited Bob to her office, thanked him profusely and decided to handle his book. He was not only published but, through her contacts, obtained a television commercial for Dunkin Doughnuts that ran more than a year. Bob found his career as a MC in Atlantic City.
2. My first book manuscript was returned from Simon & Schuster with coffee stains, torn pages and someone balanced their checkbook on a page.
SOLUTION: I wrote Leon Shimkin, the CEO, a scathing two-page letter of protest. His secretary called me to arrange a lunch date with her boss. He apologized and then agreed to publish “The Great American Hoax!” The book was serialized in the NEW YORK POST, sold overseas and to Paramount Pictures for a film with Jack Lemmon.
3. When the Canadian publisher, McClelland & Stewart, considered my satire on advertising, “The Fallacy of Creative Thinking,” President Jack McClelland invited me for lunch in New York City. He handed over my manuscript and said his editors had voted not to publish. I was devastated.
SOLUTION: The waiter brought the check and handed it to me. Mr. McClelland insisted on paying. I refused, saying, “I’m sure you’ve taken hundreds of authors to lunch and none ever picked up the check.” He nodded yes. “Well, sir,” I replied, “When you return to Toronto you’ll always remember one author in your life who paid the check. Me.” He rolled his eyes, shook his head, smiling, and said, “And you are that one author who is also going to be published.” I was, including a $10,000 advance, network TV appearances and a book tour across Canada.
4. I submitted my manuscript to 40 publishers and received 40 rejections.
SOLUTION: At a national book convention in Washington, DC I hired several people to put 3,000 flyers, describing my book, under hotel room doors where publishers were staying. A week later I received two calls asking to read the manuscript, “Don’t Get Mad…Get Even,” involving humorous way to seek revenge when wronged. W.W. Norton offered a contract. The book became a best-seller, was published overseas and licensed to Books-On-Tape. (It was rented and sold from 1985 to 2005).
5. When Dr. Joe Vitale’s book, “There’s A Customer Born Every Minute,” required a promotional campaign, I was asked to design one. His book was a modern day version of P.T. Barnum’s ideas.
SOLUTION: I suggested he hold a Canine Concert in an Austin, TX park. Only dogs were invited because the band played music on such a high frequency, only they could hear. Their handlers came too, along with media coverage, A ton of books were sold that day. And the book continues to sell.
6. Author Patricia Hamilton developed a book, “California Healthy,” that described all the healthy restaurants, health clubs and hiking paths in California. Self-published, she was unable to obtain distribution or shelf space in book stores. SOLUTION: I suggested she target her audience, namely tourists, and solicit hotels and motels to place a copy of her book in rooms. Travelers could browse or buy. The Renaissance Hotel in Hollywood was the first to order 750 books, followed by others and negotiations began with the Marriott Hotel chain. Last year, Ms. Hamilton won the coveted IRWIN AWARD for the best marketing plan by the California Book Publicists Association.
Just about everything
ABOLISH INCOME TAXES!
Abolish the Income Tax laws and substitute a Body Tax Plan. On or before April 15th, the entire family would weigh in and pay $5 a pound for each and every member of the family!
The total aggregate weight of 300 million people would far exceed the income generated taxing income, thus reducing our national debt, and encouraging fat people to trim waistlines as well.
Obviously, taxpayers care about their bodies and would be willing to pay by the pound without complaining. Also, they don’t have to declare a penny of their income!
This sort of common sense approach is the direction President Barack Obama has often proposed. And he would be a perfect poster man for The Fat Tax.
The meaning of life
Playing the drums
The 34th annual FRIENDS OF RADIO AND TELEVISION CONVENTION honored media satirist ALAN ABEL:
"IN RECOGNITION OF YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS DURING RADIO’S AND TELEVISION’S GOLDEN AGE AND LATER.”
This award, by the Board of Directors, was based upon his forty years entertaining millions with humor on 2,000 radio and television programs in the USA, Canada, England, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Denmark and Spain.
He is the author of eight published books , including the best-seller “Don’t Get Mad…Get Even” and “How To Thrive On Rejection.” (W.W. NORTON)
Alan Abel is presently featured in “Abel Raises Cain,” the award-winning documentary, produced by his daughter Jennifer with Jeff Hockett, that has won First Prizes at a dozen film festivals worldwide, including The Slamdance Film Festival in 2005, and more recently, the Fargo Film Festival.
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