TED Community » Jemilla Russell-Clough

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• A comment on Conversation: Do you believe that women stay in an abusive relationship because they seen their mother stay in an abusive relationship?

  Feb 14 2013: I am that female, coming from a family which was deeply abusive, mentally, physically and emotionally. My first memory is my dad being arrested after trying to pull a wardrobe on my mother, and breaking her nose. I was 3. She then married another man, who was abusive manipulative and cruel - psychotic in his behaviour.
  
  I am now working hard to work through all of this and I've now realised that I was abused. I'm separating myself and standing back from all of this because if I ever repeat the same behaviour that the 3 adults in my life showed me, to my own children I will be a deeply ashamed woman.
  
  I personally don't think that any woman ever (or man) can change their partners violent behaviour. To be violent to those you love and have a home with, means there is something deeply rooted that is wrong with that person. Whether that be past experiences, depression, anger, anxiety. Something isn't right and nobody on this planet can ever change another person.
  
  For someone to change this terrible pattern of behaviour they have to take responsibility for it themselves. In a basic way 'you can bring the horse to water but you can't make it drink'.
  
  It has to be a choice. And the victims have to make a choice. Something has to give.
  
  Repeating your parents mistakes with relationships is quite normal, and if all you have ever known is violence and all you've ever known about how to conduct yourself in relationships is destructive and abusive, it takes seriously hard work, self awareness and the willingness to take responsibility for yourself and your future to change that.
• +2

  A comment on Talk: Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave

  Feb 14 2013: This is such a dark area, thank you for sharing your story.
  
  I was born into a dysfunctional family, my father was violent, my step father was violent the difference between the two is that my father's violence came purely from anger from his own abusive childhood- my step fathers, well that can only be put down psychotic behaviour that was manipulative and cruel.
  
  The pattern here is that both of my parents were born in violent families. I was mentally and physically abused at times as well. It's hard hold onto empathy for people when it's such a grey area. Now in my 20's I am only just realising that I was abused and I'm working hard to come to terms with this. Because just like you, I never realised it was abuse.
  
  I'm struggling to define whose responsibility all of this is. If someone is abused as a child, or born into an abusive family where's the cut off point? Where can they can held responsible for repeating patterns of behaviour and how do you retain empathy for your mother when you have seen her being beaten, you've been the one whose fixed the situations once it's calmed down, you've been the one phoning the police and you've taken the brunt of her anger - because she was also abused as a child?
  
  Someone needs to retain responsibility for this behaviour otherwise there is another generation struggling to find their place in the world on top of struggling with anger and depression.
  
  Somehow in the constant circle of abuse I have managed to find someone who is balanced, loving and kind who doesn't use violence as a justifiable reaction to stress and the past - who takes responsibility for himself. With all this violence in my early years, somehow I've managed to break the cycle. I hope others can do it too.

• A comment on Talk: James Randi: Homeopathy, quackery and fraud

  Feb 6 2013: Hmmm I see your point about the 8 year old girl, however I think it's different between a young child who is governed by their instincts and more open mentally, than a grown adult whose manipulating people during vulnerable moments of their lives insisting they have contacted their love ones; because the answers these quacks give people are always so generic and come after a series of questions. Look at Derren Brown, perfect example of how manipulation can be very powerful when you aren't claiming to be pscyhic