mona kanso

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How can i overcome my weakness?

i have been humilated several times and this is leading me for shyness and no self confidence

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    Feb 26 2012: Mona, I am no professional so this is just advice from me to you ... if it helps I am very happy.

    First: No one can make you feel bad without your permission.

    Second: When you begin to know who you are ... the opinion of others will begin to mean less.

    Third: Join a group that interests you. By surrounding yourself with people of common interests the critisim will be less and the acceptence will be greater. Keep broadening the circle.

    Finally: I refuse to see this as a weakness. You are facing up to what you do not like about yourself. That takes a strong person. Do not let other manage your life.

    You have a support group in TED members that hope you suceed. Best of luck. Bob
    • Feb 29 2012: For people with mental health issues they may not know how to avoid bad situations. Give them a break!
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        Feb 29 2012: wow. That was quite a leap.
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        Mar 6 2012: well i am not of q mental health issues and his advice was very satisfying thank you Robert:)
  • Feb 24 2012: Mona, First of all, when you speak of yourself and your characteristics, focus on the positive. Just because people humiliated you, does not mean that they are right and you are wrong. If they had something useful or constructive to say to you with a positive will in their hearts and minds, they would not have needed to humiliate you. They could have expressed whatever they had to say in a respectful, constructive manner. It is possible that you have picked up some qualities from your early childhood brainwashing that you would be better off shedding. Most people alive right now need to re-program themselves from the erroneous programming of the adults, parents, teachers, religious leaders, who incorrectly brainwashed the children they had access to. Let's not pass that on to the next generation. Stick with truth---your truth, truth as you behold it from moment to moment. Trust yourself. If you have a positive will, you will always say and do the right thing. And, if you make mistakes now and then like everyone else does, you will learn and adjust your behavior in the future. Respect yourself. Some societies and religions are particularly hard on women, seeming to want women to believe they are less wonderful, smart, capable, et cetera, than the men. Do not buy that nonsense. Trust yourself. Respect yourself. Dwell on what is truthful and what is positive. Do not withdraw. The world wants you to live, enjoy life and to thrive. Please do. Thank you.
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    Feb 24 2012: I'll try to give you some kind of testimonial here: Overcoming this constructed "weakness" is a matter of firstly identifying that there's no such weakness.

    All people have flaws and qualities and we should invest in them.

    While growing up I felt somewhat like you, for my own motives, of course, my problem was that I was obese, and people humiliated me for that.

    I felt very angry for this, with myself and with other people. I became distanced and alone.

    Fortunately, my problem was an easy one to solve, but only when I became sure enough of my qualities.

    Before I stopped to look at my good, there was no energy to change, much because I was occupied hating myself.

    I don't know if this fits you, but in sum, you'll have to find yourself, to understand yourself and accept yourself in order to make any changes that you find necessary (and mind you, they're probably not the ones you think about today).

    Good luck friend, you can do it. Don't let people get you down.
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    Mar 5 2012: Dear Mona,
    Speaking about your feelings and asking questions is a strength...not a weakness. Those who bully and/or intentionally try to humiliate others are the weak ones. We project to others, what we have in our heart, so when a person is trying to humiliate another person, s/he is showing us what is in his/her heart. Those who intentionally try to humilate others are showing us THEIR weaknesses. Believe in yourself, and the kindness and strength I see in you:>)
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    Mar 5 2012: Have trust in yourself, Mona.
    Only you know who or what you are and what is good for you.
    To humiliate someone is often instigated by a deficiency one feels in her/him self, a feeling of impotence.
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    Feb 25 2012: I know EXACTLY how you feel.I used to be bullied and humilated for most of my childhood and because of that ,in my early teens there came a point that i had no self confidance at all,i couldnt speak to anyone properly,i couldnt listen to lessons properly because i was afraid of having eye contact with my teachers or anyone at all,at some point my shyness got so bad that i refused to eat or drink anything at any public place,i would avoid any social situations and simply was trapt in hell .But one day i just asked myself,why was other peoples opinions so important to me? Did i really consist of the negative things they told me?..And since then im slowly getting getting better:)

    My point is that,unfortunately people judge others all the time and thats mostly because they lack the ability to truthfully judge their own selfs.Nobodys perfect,infact there is no term such 'perfect' as its definition differs from person to person.Just remember to look at yourself through your own mirror,not your reflection on others eyes :)
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    Feb 24 2012: Mona,
    Look at your own advice to someone else 5 days ago. Substitute the words "myself" & "I" for "her" & "she". Your advice is not only good for a couple, but for yourself as well:>)

    mona kanso
    Reply 5 days ago: You shouldn't think that negatively.. Right now try not to reach this bad point, give her the time she needs to think and during this time try to change the things she is disturbed of that would lead you to divorce...Love is more powerful than anything and if you two love each other so much you will always find a solution for these disagreements:)
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    Feb 24 2012: Those who humiliate others are typically only showing a flaw in themselves. It is mainly bad luck that you have been associated with people who treat others this way. Their behavior does not reflect on you at all.
    You may be shy, but there is no reason for you to take other people's rudeness toward you as a reflection on you. It is only about them. So don't let them undermine your self-confidence.
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    Mar 5 2012: Hi Mona,
    like many people already said here, the mere fact of asking the question is already a sign of strength and courage!

    Hope the following helps:
    - Perhaps what other saw in you (and led to that feeling of humiliation) was a weakness in their own eyes, but do YOU see it personally as one? To help you answer this question, there is nothing better than taking a pencil and writing down your OWN set of values and vision about life, relationships, etc. Once you have that, stupid comments will no longer harm you because the people who made hurtful comments are not worth being listened to. And if it's people you care about who made you feel bad, you'll be able to respond better.
    - A general consideration: Do not link strengths or weaknesses with personal success, social status, or anything like that. True, professional success helps build self-confidence, but people at the top are weak too. Just before WWII began, the UK Prime Minister Chamberlain and the French Prime Minister Daladier made unacceptable compromises with Hitler, hoping that by letting him invade countries other than theirs, he would stop right there. They were very wrong and very weak. Those actions by the most powerful men in the world at the time are the best example of a tremendous weakness and lack of courage...
    - It's better to improve your strengths than working on your weaknesses and a lot more gratifying. Or, if you consider your "weakness" as being unbearable, spend 5 minutes, not more, just 5 minutes, every day (!!) to improve that. You'll be amazed by how fast you'll improve. Keep a diary of what you did then, in a couple of months, read the first pages: you'll smile and feel a lot better.
    :)

    All the best to you
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      Mar 6 2012: Thank you for commenting i appreciate that:)
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    Mar 5 2012: First, let me say that there have been some wonderful responses with some great advice and encouragement, and I certainly pray that you will be able to apply them to your life.

    I don't think you are as weak as you may think you are. In fact, you are very strong. Weak people do not ask questions. Weak people don't second guess, or seek answers. Weak people merely follow, lash out blindly, blame others for lifetime, or simply disappear. You are here with a voice and a question.

    That's about you. About those people humiliating you. I don't know what the circumstances are, but in my experience, when people humiliate or denegrate another, it is because they either don't want the other to take what they have, or the other has something they want. The first is usually between races or cultures, the latter is generally between individuals. Basically, these people who humiliate you do so because they see a greatness in you that scares them, and they only way they know to fight this fear is to make sure you never find this greatness in yourself.

    Find this greatness. Also, if you do so, with love and compassion, you can find a way to allay the fears of the humilators, and (again, not knowing the circumstances) there is a possibility they could become friends. Or at the very least, non-adversarial.

    Peace be with you, always.
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      Mar 6 2012: you sure have an amazing point of veiw and thank you verble:):)
  • Feb 26 2012: Kifik!

    A life review could make you realise how much individuals or groups who have been humiliating you have major issues themselves: they have been traumatized (war probably in your case), suffering maybe from lack of love, are under high social pressure (3 women for 1 man in lebanon... For example)

    You will start looking at your past in another way. I believe you will look at what is happening around you with a new perspective. And i believe that slowly slowly you will manage to find yourself. I hope that what people think about you in a bad way now, won't touch you anymore. You will label that: "they own problem." And hopefully, what has happened to you in the past and has contributed to shape you, will some day have an entirely different impact on you.

    "Coming generations will learn equality from poverty, and love from woes." Khalil Gibran

    If you have the opportunity to get out of (beautiful but very tiny)Lebanon for a while, I would recommend you to go ahead! It is not the only way to find yourself, but it is very "Phoenician" and efficient!

    All the best to you Mona
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    Feb 25 2012: I appreciate you all for these comments they are definitely useful and will stick to them in my path for gaining my confidence.. Thank you:):)
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    Feb 24 2012: The examined life results in a powerful human being once that human being has finally realized how priceless the rare combination of self-examination and capacity to respond to that examination can be. If you're ripping into yourself over the weaknesses that you've discovered within your own character, then you're miles beyond the average human personality already and should take stock in that fact before being overwhelmed by how counterintuitive it seems when contrasted against the modern western ideal. Most people simply do not realize how weak they actually are until they're brought down permanently by taking on more than they ever could've managed. This always happens in business and finishes careers, but it's just as devastating when it happens in personal lives. Your awareness is a survival asset, and if you simply direct that examination toward others - start with family members, it's easier - then you'll discover just how vulnerable everyone is. Especially the ones who seem the most secure in themselves.

    And the best part is that you don't have to imagine them as being vulnerable. They are. All you have to do is take a good look and you'll immediately see what I'm talking about. A really good learning exercise is to hang out on the midway at one of those Vans Warped Tours, and watch all the cool kids looking around all day long to see if anyone is looking at them in their little punk get-ups and liking what they see. Those kids will not become any more sure of themselves as adults, and that's the point. The only people who really have as much confidence as you think they have are "dogs that never leave their own backyards" and stone-cold psychopaths, and the psychos are like that just because their brains don't work right.

    You'll see that I'm right if you just take the time to really watch people in public places. Even the biggest yard dog loses his edge when he crosses the street. It's how humans are. You're just smart enough to notice it in yourself.
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    Mar 6 2012: Dear Mona,

    Our names are very much alike. I am Moona Cancino, and my dad is from Lebanon. I live in the United States in Roanoke, Virginia. I was a shy teenager that was picked on and humiliated. I know that feeling. Things can and do change.

    I'm just going to say what comes to mind.

    If possible, explore the world. There are so many amazing people. It will change your life. If you can't travel; do exactly as you're doing-reach out through the internet. Don't trust everyone, but listen to people who seem to have your best interest at heart. Make your own decisions. Trust yourself, and be forgiving when you make mistakes. We all do; it's how you learn. Learning is one of the most amazing gifts we have. Every day write about something that inspires you. Sit quietly, and listen to yourself. You will be amazed by your own inner, silent voice. It often knows exactly what you need to hear. Feel your feelings no matter what they are, and write about them. All emotions have the right to be explored. They will teach you so much. Say thank you to what ever makes you smile. Remember that no one is like you; rejoice and embrace this. Be amazed that we can all be so different yet share the same joys and sorrows. We are also very much alike. Walk barefoot on the earth as much as possible.

    Everyone sees the same sun and moon that you do. We are close. I hope your day is beautiful. *joy* Moona
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      Mar 6 2012: Well we have some commons:) thankk you moona i appreciate that:)
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    Mar 4 2012: I deliver a keynote on this very topic, about over coming weaknesses, rather then letting our weaknesses over come us. Remember one or more small weaknesses, does't make you a failure. Failure is like a fungus, if we don"t contain it, it starts to grow and infect other parts of our life. That can be lethal because it can take away our happiness. The task that lies ahead of you is containing that spread. Maybe my story will give you strength and a clearer vission. I will be printing my keynote as a book in April and will be delivering it in May in New York and Orlando. contact me and I'll gladly send you a free copy. info@oliviaschofield.com
    The journey to enlightenment never ends.
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      Mar 6 2012: I'll be glad to read it thank you so much:)
  • Feb 29 2012: Mona,

    I am not a Psychiatrist but from personal experience I would like to share with you that I had feelings of shame and weakness until I learned about the concept of "emotional safety". When you are a child, your parents are responsible for providing you with emotional safety, but as an adult it becomes your responsibility. This is very difficult if your parents have not done their job. I'm not saying this is easy, but you have to "unhook" yourself from your parents and anyone else who is threatening you and replace those relationships with healthy ones.
    (These could be friends, teachers, counselors, mentors...anyone you can confide in and feel safe with) As you get better it will be easier (it's never easy) to do things that are healthy and that attract healthy relationships. Best of Luck.