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What causes anger? Can you control it?

In today's world, many are victims of violence. Sometimes these victims are helpless children, other times women, and still other times the elderly.
There is domestic violence, bullying, road rage, verbal abuse, and the list goes on.

What do you think causes the anger? Is it hereditary? Is it learned? Do violent video games trigger it? Is it stress related?

When you are faced with the option to react violently, do you? Are you able to control your anger, if so how?

When you see someone suffering at the hands of a violent or aggressive person, do you help?

Feel free to say whatever comes to mind regarding this topic.

I was inspired to write this question after reading through the TED conversations and also watching some talks on positive psychology.

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Closing Statement from W T

What a wonderful conversation we have had!!

Thank you to each and every one of you for your candid, frank expressions of the emotion that is anger.

It is clear from the conversation that most of you see anger as natural. We "want" to feel it when we see
an injustice.

And most of you also expressed that we need to keep it in check, and not let anger control us, but find
ways to relax and have control over the anger.

I will add the following:


Just as we need to show graciousness and restraint when speaking with workmates or with strangers, we also need to do so with our friends and family. Venting anger without concern for the consequences can cause serious damage to our own and others' spiritual, emotional, and physical health.

Bad feelings-manifestations of our imperfect nature-must be controlled. Abusive speech, ridicule, contempt, and hateful wrath are wrong. They can destroy precious relationships with other people.

So, let's continue to seek peace, and pursue it for as a Proverb of Solomon states: "The lips of one who is stupid enter into quarreling."

Thank you all very much for the great conversation.

Be Well.

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    Feb 8 2012: In a short living span, I'm somewhat ashamed in admitting that anger was an issue I have spent most of the time dealing with.

    I've read what I could about it (even an study that states the possibility of an anger addiction) and tried to understand it from diverse points of view (although not scientifically studying it, just for my own attempts in managing it).

    For what I can grasp until now, anger is often a result of anxiety mixed with helplessness. That mixed feeling can channel itself in two ways: inwards as in you can suppress it, but at the cost of suppressing the good feelings too (as feeling anything at all will get the needed space for anger to grow), and as you do this most of the time, depression follows.

    The second way is to let it burn out, as it's much of a rush of neurochemicals as any other felling. One will feel exhausted at the end, but much better with oneself. The real problems about this emerge with time as the consequences of those outbursts will slowly emerge and build up. Those consequences (negative, of course) will fuel great amounts of anxiety and as you struggle with dealing with this, you'll feel so helpless... And I think we know where it gets us.

    Most of the "angry people" I've talked to feel one thing in common: we feel like outcasts. Since those overwhelming feelings get all sorts of wrong attention and even hate from other people, we isolate ourselves and start resenting humanity as a whole.

    We start cherishing for the day that everyone snaps and we will no longer be freaks. And more, the day when we will not have to listen to the most dreadful phrase: "You just have to control yourself".

    It's cruel to say that as most of the times. If we could do it, we would. To an analogy we could relate this to scolding a Parkinson's Suffering person with: "Stop shaking, you're making a mess".

    With time and practice is possible to tone down the underlying factors, but it's hard. I hope that one day I'll be able to master that.
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      Feb 9 2012: Carlos, thank you for your candid reply. Here is some information on the triggers of anger.

      Anger can be a problem for many different reasons:

      1. When self-centered people do not get their own way, anger is often the result.

      2. Our personality development is influenced by parental influence. Children copy what they see their parents do. If you are raised around parents who blow up all the time, even at the most insignificant of ordeals, you will most likely do the same.

      3. Accepting aggression after prolonged exposure to it through the media (tv).

      4. Being the repeated victim of injustices and prejudices.

      5. Stress related to the economy and/or job loss.

      To keep the anger under control a recent article mentioned the following:

      "Practice deep breathing, immersing oneself in something you enjoy, and exercising regularly."

      While you may not be able to avoid the circumstances or people that create your anger, you can learn to control your reaction to these.

      You pretty much have to change the way you think.

      Seeking perfection in others is symptomatic of pride. So trying to be humble, and coming to the realization that you cannot control others, but that you can definitely control yourself is a great first step to controlling one's anger.

      Be Well Carlos, thank you for contributing to this conversation.
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    Feb 10 2012: Anger is part of the human condition and in some cases is perfectly justified. Its wrong when people inappropriately express their anger or take their frustration out on the wrong person/people.

    The kid who is a bully may come from a bad home life. Does the kid have the right to be angry? Absolutely. Does the kid have the right to take his anger out on hapless victims through bulling? No Way. Should there be systems in place to help this kid deal with his anger - or better yet get out of the bad family situation? Yes.

    We shouldn't be telling people not to get angry. Anger is part of the human condition and the emotion - like all other emotions exist for a reason. We should encourage people to show their anger in appropriate ways that does not cause harm to others.
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      Feb 10 2012: Thank you Robin for your comment.

      What have you found helpful in controlling your anger?

      And, do you always recognize the root cause of someone's anger? and your own?

      Are you able to diffuse the anger of another individual in some way, or do you walk away?

      And lastly, have you noticed a difference in anger triggers as you have been exposed to different cultures?

      Your reflections would be welcomed by us all. Thank you in advance.

      Be Well.
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        Feb 10 2012: I don't really have many techniques for controlling my anger. I suppose that it is fortunate that I rarely get angry!

        I had a recent conflict situation with a former roommate that completely took me off guard. I got angry and said some things that were totally out of character for me. I didn't really regret getting angry - I still believe that I was justified in being angry. I just wished that I could express myself more eloquently. Getting really angry very quickly often limits your IQ!

        I don't even bother to understand the root cause of someone's anger - most of the time you won't know or understand why someone is upset. Many times, the individual will not know or understand why they are upset. You may be the target simply because you were just in the way.

        I'll diffuse anger by leaving the situation and if necessary icing someone out. In the situation with my roommate, I closed the door on her. She continued the argument by sending emails. I decided that it was childish and simply blocked her email account and 'defriended' her on social media account. Therefore I was not subjected to her abusive messages and I was not tempted to reply to the foolishness.

        She could write her little heart out and get her frustrations aired - with no real damage. Sometimes the best way to deal with someone who is angry is simply ignore them.

        People live from their perception and I haven't noticed differences in anger triggers based on culture - but I have noticed differences based on people's perceptions. Borrowing again from my roommate situation, my roommate's perception of the 'triggering event' were completely different from my own. I had no idea why she was angry and she was ready to come after me. It was more of a difference in perception than a difference in culture.
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          Feb 11 2012: Wow, sounds like this experience was a challenge that you overcame.

          Many times when people act on their perceptions, and their perceptions are wrong, friendships dissolve. Too bad.

          That is why communication is very important. Understanding the other person's point of view, and asking questions, instead of assuming you understand the other person are very important in interpersonal relationships.

          I am personally working on this strategy of asking questions, since my mind tricks me many times and I assume I understand the other person,when I really do not.

          On line especially it is often challenging because you are not looking at the person's face or listening to their voice, so easily a situation can explode when it is all just a misunderstanding.

          Have you ever stepped in to clear up a misunderstanding on-line when you read two individuals arguing back and forth and as an objective observer you are able to discern their misunderstanding???

          Thanks for your contributions.
    • Feb 11 2012: I couldn't agree with you more Robin.

      Besides, if parents or teachers try to control their children's anger by themselves (in oppressive ways).
      Even a noramal child can be aggressive and keep his anger down by bullying his friends.
      In this case, proper educational methods are definitely required.

      great ideas.
  • Feb 8 2012: Anger is a resulting emotion. It is caused by feelings of disappointment and helplessness. Those two emotions are the sources of feelings of frustration, betrayal, guilt, fear, jealousy, hatred and anger, to name but a few.

    The only ways to remove anger from the world are A: to remove expectations and B: be honest with your feelings instead of hiding or denying them, so that you may work through the causes instead of suffering the effects.

    Psychology is a vast profession, but many of the concepts in it are very simple. Anger is one of them.
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      Feb 9 2012: Yes Mr Webber, I agree.

      One of the worst consequences of not bringing anger under control is when one is a parent, and exposes chidren to it. This can have tragic consequences.

      Thank you for your comment.
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      Feb 8 2012: Wow so your never got angry at an injustice?
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        Feb 9 2012: Hi Linda,

        It is when we see an injustice that we usually feel angry. I cannot imagine anyone not feeling angry. But, tell me, how do you control your anger?

        What is it that triggers your anger the most?
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          Feb 9 2012: Are you kidding me? I LOVE anger! It is one of my favorite emotions! I love the rush of energy! I get this clarity of thought. Light gets brighter, smells get smellier. My heart pounds, my breathing gets faster. I burn some calories. What's not to love?
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          Feb 10 2012: I think whats important is not trying to control your anger (that is nearly an impossible task) but in a way embrace it, learn from it and move on from it.....Like, I think anger can be useful.

          .I think Claude hit the nail on the coffin on this one when she or he (trying not to make a judgement) stated "learn to recognize and eliminate selfish desires"...

          now I think anger will always come about but if you can get rid of the things that make you angry in your life, then you'll have less reason to get upset.
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        Feb 9 2012: OK, so in other words.....you let it rip......you are not interested in controlling it?

        Give me an example of you not controlling anger. What triggers it? Any consequences involved??
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          Feb 9 2012: I wouldn't say let it rip. I have been angry many many times. What I have learned is that anger is a good thing. It means that whatever the present situation is has become intolerable. It has moved past annoying to intolerable. That means that something is about to change.

          I have to figure out what is going to change. First thing I look for is it a lesson. Is it mine or someone elses. Then I have to figure out what to do about it. Sometimes the change will be in me. Change in expectation, learning something new. Sometimes the change is someone else's. Somebody needs to learn a lesson and I am happy to teach it to them. Sometimes the change is the situation itself. The job, the institution etc. But whatever happens, somethings gonna change. The intolerable stops now.

          That being said, anger is so embedded in the survival of our species. The area of the brain involved in anger is so deep in the structures it occurs outside of consciousness (or inside might be a better description). It is linked to our fight or flight response.

          It's hormonally mediated and the best we can do is manage it - hence anger management. When you figure out how it works, it really is not tough. The problem many people have is they thing anger is bad. They try and repress it. Then they get the ricochet response and overblow something out of proportion or deflect it to something safe.

          Leverage anger. Listen to the lesson.
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        Feb 9 2012: Yes Linda......you are so right.

        Most of the individuals I talk with who display their anger in constructive ways do it when they know a change is needed.

        They each go about it a different way.....but usually their anger motivates them.

        Yes anger is a natural emotion. It is the understanding and management of it that some need to learn.

        Great insight Linda. Thank you.
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        Feb 11 2012: @ Orlando, sorry Linda...no reply button on his entry.

        Orlando thank you for your insight. I think that most of us have a good understanding of anger, and are good at controlling it...I appreciate your participation.

        Mary
        • Feb 11 2012: (sorry, there's no reply button on your last comment)
          lol Fortunately, Veronica does not die:)
          In the book, she attempts suicide, but she does not die.
          Instead, she is confined to a psychiatric hospital.
          From the moment her doctor says that she's going to die in a week, she starts to worry about her health and wants to live more days.

          I sincerely recommend this book to you, btw.
          Unlike the title of this book, it's not sad at all, but rather, hopeful if you ask me.

          Thanls for your reply:)
      • Feb 11 2012: Linda,
        In some part, i agree.
        Have you ever read this book?
        "Veronica Decides to die"
        One of things I realized from this book is that anger can be the reason why a person sustains his life. Calm and tranquil life is wonderful, but it can also be too boring.

        As you describe, anger can be a vitality of your life.
        But only if you can express your anger in appropriate ways.
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          Feb 11 2012: Great point Elizabeth......calm and tranquil life....can be boring. And I have read that suppressed anger....or any emotion for that matter, can sometimes lead to psychosomatic illnesses.

          Ye, when we show emotion.....especially anger....we feel alive, and that our sense of emotion is alive and kicking..

          Does Veronica die??? I hate reading books that are way too too sad and tragic. Even though perhaps the title of the book is a play on words.
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      Feb 9 2012: Hi Claude,

      Thank you for your comment.

      Anger is part of a human's makeup. And sometimes it is appropriate to show anger. Your description of anger arising from selfish desires usually involves the unhealthy kind of anger.

      The one that gets people to react without thinking of the consequences.

      How have you been helped to recognize and eliminate selfish desires?

      Are there any particular books, or maybe websites? Care to share?
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          Feb 10 2012: I agree. When we recognize the causes of anger, we can then learn to control it.

          I really feel that self-analyzing the triggers that get us angry can lead to a deep understanding of our personality.

          I know individuals that will get very angry when others initiate a GET WELL card for a fellow employee and circulate it around for signatures. This anger could be caused by envy or jealousy. It is a toxic anger, because it reveals the lack of love and compassion one should have for the infirmed.

          Alot of people are suffering because they have always allowed their anger to be triggered by actions and words that should NOT trigger anger.

          Don't you think many who are depressed have this kind of toxic anger, but they just don't realize it? I mean, they see themselves as angry individuals, when really what they are is depressed?

          I would like to know your opinion.

          Thank you Claude.
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          Feb 11 2012: "Your thinking, while still logical in your mind, goes outside the bounds of rationality."

          I have seen this....yes, and sometimes the person becomes angry for no apparent reason.

          "..if you are not depressed, the ego can still suffer from various emotional states"

          Yes, the ego is what gets most people in trouble. It is finally realizing that one is one's own enemy when controlling the ego that allows one to start making the necessary changes. A paradigm shift has to occur. Interesting that for you it was practicing Zen thinking that helped you. I have know many who were helped using many other tools/ strategies.

          Claude, your insight and experiences have shed light on this topic, thank you so much for participating. Have a great weekend!!

          Be Well.
  • Feb 11 2012: Great question Mary! I used to be quite easily angry. I use to explode. I also used to be fascinated by people who would stay calm and turn the situation in their advantage; when had i been in their situation, I would have been red with anger. I knew that they had find something I had not. I would admire them. I think anger has a lot to do with the education you had during childhood.
    I would say I can basically think of three categories of experiences:
    - you were brought up in an environment that taught you how to manage anger.
    - you were brought up in an environment surrounded by angry people who would express their anger
    - you were brought up in an environment where showing your anger is not appropriate, but where managing your anger has not been taught
    I had to travel to Asia to meet many people belonging to the third category.
    I started hiding my anger. that would not solve anything...
    Then I learned to manage my anger without hiding it.
    I first learned to feel it. I learn to feel it appear, and then grow, and take control over me.
    I learned to isolate myself during twenty minutes.
    I learned to feel it diminish and disappear.
    I learned to be aware of it.
    I then started to ask myself why. Why go through such a stage? Is it going to serve me to be like this?
    Well, in asia, in most cases, no! No way! People shut down if you are angry.
    I think that learning to adopt many different perspectives, learning to be more compassionate helps.
    I think that doing a life review helps also, actually that could even be the most important point.
    I teach my children not to act angressively and to reformulate their sentences. I teach them to say how they feel and why. I teach them how to breath. I try to teach them to calm down and find solutions. I try to teach them that feeling angry can be useful, but, usually, acting angry won't serve them. But it does not mean that they have no voice, on the contrary, they can solve the issue in their favor, or compromise in other ways
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      Feb 14 2012: Manue.....I loved reading the many gears of your paradigm shift with anger.

      I think many of us have learned the benefits of accepting anger for what it is.....an emotion, and are able to react peacefully and rationally in tense situations.

      How wonderful that you are teaching your children early on how to handle anger. Well-done.

      Thank you so much for sharing your insight and life experience.....it was delightful reading.

      Mary
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    Feb 10 2012: I think the anger is caused by what bother us .
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      Feb 11 2012: Yes, what bothers us makes us angry.....so now tell us Eduard,

      what bothers you?? Do you like to talk about your feelings of anger, or do you stay quiet and mad?

      And, how do you control yourself from getting too angry?

      How does your culture view outbursts of temper? Do you ever see angry people in public? What do you do when your friends get angry? Do you calm them down, or walk away?

      Please let us know. We have learned quite alot from everybody's experiences.

      Thank you kindly........don't get angry at my kindness ok? :)
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        Feb 11 2012: " Yes, what bothers us makes us angry.....so now tell us Eduard,

        what bothers you??" Do you like to talk about your feelings of anger, or do you stay quiet and mad?"

        I won't gonna answer to this questions ( I mean no harm with it ) .

        "And, how do you control yourself from getting too angry?" I face and kill the source of anger . I think I've just answered also to ( "How does your culture.....What do you do when your friends get angry?........."). Now you can ask of course : and if the source of anger is a woman ? I face her (as being a source of anger) and if it's needed I kill her (mentally) .


        "Thank you kindly........don't get angry at my kindness ok? :)" It's not so easy to get angry.
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          Feb 11 2012: Your replies are short, but interesting.

          I am sure they will benefit someone reading this thread of conversation.

          Thank you for contributing to this question.
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        Feb 11 2012: Thank you for your willingness to read too .
    • Feb 11 2012: Figures.

      Hmm, what bothers us can be infuriating, but not always.
      I mean, it can be just irritating for a while.
      So, after a few hours or days, you aren't irritated anymore.

      And if you're generous, you can forgive the people who bothered you.

      Irritating and infuriating are somewhat different, I think.

      But generally, what bothers us can be the part of the causes of anger.
      Good point,btw.
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        Feb 11 2012: "Good point,btw. " I hope so.
        • Feb 11 2012: ? sorry, but what do you mean?
          don't get me wrong, I wasn't sarcastic at all.
          That was just my opinion.

          And I meant it.
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        Feb 11 2012: I was serious , thanks .
  • Feb 8 2012: As for the causes of anger, I think Edward and Carlos explained well, so there's nothing to say:)

    But as for controlling of it, I think self-conversation or meditation would be helpful.

    We tend to get mad at someone who is irrelevant to our anger.

    For example, let's say I failed my math test. I feel terribly bad and when I go home, my brother cracks some practical jokes. And then I suddenly yell at him--in this case he is a poor victim of my anger.

    So, my suggestion is, rather than using people who are irrelevant to your anger as a scapegoat, we need to find the real causes of anger and try to ask questions like, "Why am I angry?", "What makes me angry?" "Do I need to get mad at someone?" "How can I control it?"

    By frequently asking, you'll able to appease your anger unconsciously even if there’s no perfect answer.
    You know, once you start to find out what's what, actually, there's no one you need to mad at.

    Even yelling at yourself can be helpful.lol

    You enter your room, close the door, and just scream or listen to your favorite music.. something like that.

    I'm not an expert here, but I guess these ways can be useful sometimes :)
    Because....I believe that I'm the only one who can control my emotion and mind(By all means, you can ask for help from others)
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      Feb 9 2012: Hi Elizabeth, thanks for commenting.

      I tend to yell at myself every once in a while....lol

      Here are three easy steps for keeping anger down.

      1. Practice breathing deeply
      2. Talk to yourself while breathing deeply...saying a phrase that soothes you.
      3. Do something that calms you down and you enjoy, like listening to music or reading.
      4. Eat right and exercise regularly.

      Sounds like you got anger under control.

      I think when we are calm, patient people, we can help others to calm down also. It is an angry world out there, so if a few of us are peaceful individuals, maybe we can help the others to learn our way of being anger free.

      What do you think?
      • Feb 9 2012: I agree:)

        When it comes to helping other people, we need to be proactive even if we're not experts in that area.

        Btw, those are great ways to keep anger down!
        lol you and I have something in common:)
        Thanks
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          Feb 11 2012: Hi Elizabeth,

          Just wanted to call you back into this discussion. Many have written some interesting things I think you will enjoy reading.

          Hope you are able to go through the comments.

          Mary
  • Feb 8 2012: There are some employees who get angry easily in my workplace. I think it causes much difficulty with relationship and performance of other workers. I wish you can be patient if you face the same situation anytime anywhere. That's why you will not copy the bad behavior.
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      Feb 9 2012: Hi Sanghun,

      It is interesting that you mention angry employees. I read recently an article with the following statistics:

      According to the Mental Health Foundation of London, England, in a published report entitled Boiling point-Problem Anger and What We Can Do About It, we are told:

      84% of workers feel more stressed at their place of work than they did 5 years back.

      65% of office workers have experienced some sort of office rage.

      45% of staff regularly lose their temper at their place of employment.

      Work related stress appears to be on the rise, and is becoming a global epidemic. Workplace bullying is called mobbing. It is very dangerous, but it is somewhat preventable if the workers are trained to communicate effectively.

      How do you react when those around you get angry? Do you try to calm them down, or do you walk away?

      What do you do? Can you share with us please?

      Thank you!!
  • Feb 8 2012: Anger is a hallucination , therefore we can not control it.

    Let's say , I am tryign to control shadow. Wht should I do?

    My friend , please don't use the word Anger.

    There is only one way to control the anger , it is detachment from your ego. I see a shadow and myself.

    There is no I or Self-ego.

    Let go of your thought that you are you.

    There will be no shadow when you hold a light.

    Love,,
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      Feb 9 2012: "There is only one way to control the anger , it is detachment from your ego. I see a shadow and myself."

      Yes, hyunguk CHOI one way to control anger, is detaching oneself from one's ego.

      Very good insight.

      Love....

      Thank you for your comment
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    Feb 12 2012: I think there have been some excellent responses here on the topic of anger management, especially how to mitigate the deliterious effects of anger. I especially enjoyed the one lady who just dives right into her anger like it were a swimming pool on a warm summer day. That shows that she is not afraid of her anger, nor enslaved to it. She treats it for what it is: an emotion that energizes.

    For me, I think that our culture has convoluted the word "anger" with the definition of "rage". Most of the time when we see anger as a negative, we are actually talking about unbridled anger (which is violent). If we have a clear distinction between anger and rage, I think that we can healthily express our ange when it occurs.

    Even the Bible says "Be angry but sin not.". Basically, the instruction is an application of all the healthyrespnses to anger presented here: that it's OK to get mad at injustices, whether perceived or real, just don't let it make you lose your rationality.


    As for what makes me angry? So many things, but right at this moment in my life, anybody who uses God as justification for killing, whether directly or passively. Man, that really sets me off!
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      Feb 14 2012: "Most of the time when we see anger as a negative, we are actually talking about unbridled anger (which is violent)."

      You are absolutely right. Anger, is an emotion that when handled properly is very beneficial.

      Rage (uncontrolled anger) is toxic. It can make us sick, and brings with it many harmful consequences.

      Thank you Verble for your reply......I have learned quite alot reading all the responses..
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    Feb 10 2012: Joseph Campbell once said:

    "Everything we do is wrong to somebody"

    In other words, there is not one thing that will bring about angry...there are many factors that play a role in how people get upset.

    Being that we already know this, what I think is important is not the fact that we get angry (as Robin Patin has stated before, Anger is part of being human) but how we react to what is making us angry.

    Reactions is really whats key being that they have many consequences. I have been told that its ok to be angry (or at least feel upset), since there is no way that I cannot be angry If I get upset at something. In other words there is no way to control the emotion but what I can control is my actions.

    Also if it is an individual that gets us upset, we only empower them by allowing them to get to us...If we react to those who gets us upset, they have full control of us....

    so the best thing I can say is, try, with the best of our volition to not react to negativity. This is of course easier said than done and is actually a skill....
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      Feb 11 2012: Orlando you make some great points.

      Anger is part of being human. As others have stated, it is entirely normal to be upset at injustices....for if we are not upset, we then can become indifferent and that is dangerous.

      The anger that is to be controlled, is the one that is triggered by many different things. Each person has their own.....for example, I have a friend who simply hates people smoking around her when she is eating....and she could get quite angry.

      All in all, it is good to examine ourselves when we get angry and look for patterns. Because if we get angry on a daily basis over small things like, let's say the person in front of us at the grocers is looking for change to pay the exact amount, and we are huffing and puffing and looking at our watch; or the person driving in front of us is going too slow in our opinion, even though they are driving at the speed limit, and we go around them and cut them off and scare them half to death......then those can signal to us that there is something wrong with our temperament.

      Like you said, we really cannot control others actions. It is our reaction that we can control.

      When others actions control us......then we have a BIG problem, we have given control of our emotions to someone else. This is not good!!

      Thank you for participating Orlando. Feel free to add more if you think of anything else...and I loved the quote by Campbell.

      I replied to another of your entries under Linda's reply button, look for it.

      Thanks again!!
  • Feb 9 2012: I feel anger is a natural emotion that we are supposed to experience. It is what we do with that anger that matters.For me, stress and anger go hand in hand. When I was younger and raising my twin boys, I taught them to yell into their pillow. We would go to their room and grab a pillow and the 3 of us just yelling and screaming into our pillows! Of course we always ended up laughing in histarics. Sometimes, We would be driving and we would all yell and scream with the windows up. It sounds wierd but there was a method behind my madness. I knew boys were way different than girls and I wanted my boys to know that they could use these tools. They did when needed. I always felt it was good to get the negative anger out, to release that and make room for the positive.
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      Feb 11 2012: Dru, how funny.....but wonderful. I need to try to yell into a pillow.lol

      Your story reminded me of when my son once got angry at me. He said "I don't love you anymore".

      And I turned around and started singing "I don't love you anymore....no, no, no, no," "No, not like I did before, no, no, no, no," He got such a big kick out of me bursting into song, his anger melted away and we both laughed and laughed.

      I teach my children to talk it out.....when they are angry to say so, and explain why. They usually always have a valid reason for their anger, and somebody usually has to apologize.

      Thanks for your wonderful anecdote and experience. Wonderful reading about you and your kids.

      Be Well.
    • Feb 11 2012: To dru and Mary.
      I like that way either.
      For reference, le me tell you Korean way of controlling your anger.
      Personally, I don't like this way, but In Korea, there was a time when people thought that suppressing one's anger is a kind of a virtuous behavior.
      Namely, a person who can control his anger by meditating or something similar was regarded as a really generous and desirable man. It sounds nice, but this kind of expectation had been burdensome to the people who were shy and timid.
      Whenever they were very angry and felt like "this is unfair", they did not express their anger and tried to hide their feelings. As time went by, they eventually couldn't ask for help from their parents or other people, they suffered depression or even commited suicide.

      Even though this is an extreme case, controlling one's emotion--especially when it comes to controlling one's anger, oppressive or passive ways are undesirable.

      So, I like dru and Mary's ways--open and active ways--of controlling anger.
      Besides, those are mentally healthy ways.
      • W T 100+

        • 0
        Feb 11 2012: Elizabeth, the Korean way sounds also like Japanese way. Keeping calm and quiet without showing much emotion......I just can't do it. But, as I have gotten older I have learned to express myself better, and I'm able to diffuse a possible angy situation with anyone by asking lots of questions and humbly expressing my opinion in a calm way......it usually works. That is unless the person in front of me is neurotic or unreasonable.

        P.S. This is a language lesson for you...I am a teacher....please let me correct your vocabulary:

        You said: "I like that way either"......You should have said..."I like that way too".

        Now, continue to practice your English....You are very very good at it Elizabeth!!!

        Be Well
        • Feb 11 2012: That's sweet of you.
          Thanks a lot for correcting me, Mary:)

          If you hadn't mentioned it, it's possible that I would repeat the same mistake.

          lol that's why I need to brush up my English.
          It's been just a year.

          Thanks again:)

          Elizabeth