Rong Rong

This conversation is closed.

I can't accept the fact that the love of my life died,what shall I do?

I don't know what's the point of my life without my beloved one.

Closing Statement from Rong Rong

I'm really appreciated that this question was answered effectively.I think I'm not strong enough,not brave enough,but I'm trying.I'm trying to live life to the fullest and that's why I named myself ''hope''.Hope is always a good thing.

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    Nov 4 2011: Dear Hope,

    If that is honestly your real name, you are already blessed with having the fundamental block for recovery. I feel your pain. This is one of the tougher cards life deals. The pain will take a while to subside and if that was your true love, that part of your heart will always remain his. Now is time for being by yourself and healing. You will. Enrich your mind. Pursue your work. Definitely go on a volunteering mission. You will be amazed how love fills you up when you do that. Remember, there is a lot of living to do when you are healed. Give yourself time. (I am so glad you are at TED).
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    Nov 4 2011: Ni hao Hope,

    An answer to your deep question runs the risk of sounding like a lecture. And I am the least qualified to give you a lecture on how to handle this pain.

    I can point out the fact that you are not alone. And as proof, you can see the answers here, you are able to connect even with people who live across the world and who didn't know of your existence before reading your question. No, you are definitely not alone.

    If I was to die today (of course I would miss a lot of things dearly), I think that the last thing i would wish for someone who loved me would be to see this person suffer. Yes, pain is natural and it is proof that the bond between the two was deep and strong. But i doubt any lover ever wished for the other to go through an unbearable amount of pain.

    Someone once told me that a beautiful way to honor someone that is no longer here, is to repeat the things they used to say, like, and stand for. As if they were able to still enjoy a sunset through our eyes, as if they could learn by reading by our side, as if they were able to speak through our voice.

    I think of a metaphor: the love you feel is like the ocean and the pain is like the waves of a high tide shattering with fury against the rocks. There would be no tide if there was not an entire ocean to support it. The tide will recede, and the rocks will be calmer. But the sea will remain.
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  • Nov 4 2011: My heart aches at the thought of the pain you must be going through.

    As Gerald O'brian said, rely on your close ones during this hard time. They'll want to see you through it.

    Always remember how your loved one would want you to live your life. Do everything you've ever wanted to do; live your life to the fullest. Celebrate your loved one in every action made and eventually, the memory of them will bring a smile and happiness instead of the pain of loss.

    As hard as it may be at this time, life does go on. You have so much left in your life to accomplish.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and wish you the best.
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    Nov 4 2011: Wait.

    Spend time with friends and family.

    Honour the one you loved by living a good life.

    Feel the pain fully.

    Remember that "this too shall pass."

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    My best friend's wife died when she was 40. They had been together for 12 years and loved one another deeply. The pain of her passing nearly killed him too. The first six months were the hardest. The next six months were not much better. After a year, he was able to cope better but the pain was still acute. The second year was better though he still missed her tremendously.

    Some years later (about five) he met someone, fell in love again and is now happily married. He still misses his first wife but he loves his second wife deeply and passionately.

    ----

    Wait.
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      Nov 4 2011: Thank you and best wishes to you and your friend.
  • Nov 10 2011: Hello Hope Sun.
    Thank you for sharing a horrible pain that all of us have or will face during our lives. I wish I knew the answer, but I don't. But let me suggest a different way to look at this.
    We know that everything that lives will die. It is inherent in the nature of life itself. And that is true whether you believe in an immortal soul or not. People die and we lose their company. We must accept this as a truth, or we would live in a world of delusion.
    But that does not mean that we should accept that love dies. Love is a bond between people that is stronger than death itself. Because as long as even one person who shared that love is alive, so is love itself.
    So, perhaps the point of life is keeping our love alive. Live so that your beloved lives in you. Share your love -- and his -- with every worthy person you meet.
  • Nov 5 2011: Hi Hope Sun.
    Life is like the last 3 letters of the word life. Remember that? And this?
    The mind creates the abyss and the heart must cross this.
    I wrote that when I attempted that crossing and fell to the very bottom of my abyss.
    That emotional dark hole inside of me.
    The bottom was extreme pressure from the pain I felt. Pressure squeezing the life out of me.
    So cold, it froze me, solid. I couldn't feel but I felt. It was so dark, there was no light, nothing to follow. No light moving backwards in front of me to follow. But, did I follow it here? To this horrible place I found myself in? And there was no God, no force, no love, no one. I would never breathe again.
    I only had one thing that I knew to be true. And with it I finally rose back to the surface of this immense ocean of humanity where, gasping for air, I finally found myself. I found myself lost, alone and adrift thousands of emotional miles from any connection to anyone or any thing.
    I realized that to a drowning human, if there is something, a God, a Power, or something much deeper inside us all, that at the very least, it would be air. So, show me an oxygen.
    Crossing a field, such as you face, requires only willingness. Once you begin, you will find it goes on forever but if you knew that at the beginning, you wouldn't start. But, you haven't accepted it yet. Only yet. Walking through the field of space, you will (I promise) find yourself at a place where one day, you realize you have accepted it.
    The love of your life. What a wonderful thing to have had. So many go without. The love of your life. Wow! I am so happy for you. Happy you found someone to love like life itself.
    To cry, let's more of life in. To laugh, let's more of life out. One day:

    I was so lonely and depressed, I felt like the "only man in the world". I drove aimlessly and found myself at my daughters' work place. As I drove up, she looked up, saw me and gave me a smile that made me feel like the
    "only man in the world".
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      Nov 5 2011: Yes,I remember you.It seems that you've jumped out of your abyss,congratulations!
      I'm not that kind of girl who is good at showing herself,especially fragile emotion,I'd rather hide it in the dark night and the next day go on living as nothing happened.But not this time.2years have passed,but I cannt find a way out.I know life is a struggle,it's not easy.But why is life so cruel?
      Or maybe you're right ,I require willpower to cross this abyss and I'll give my best to have a try.
      Thank you again.
      • Nov 6 2011: Hi Hope Sun.
        I don't think, nor did I mean, that it is a matter of willpower. I didn't express myself well.
        When I said, "I promise you that you will find yourself at that place of acceptance that frees you rather than "freeze you", I should have said it only requires willingness to find yourself there. It is only willingness to be free someday.

        We all are taught we must "do", "will" or in some way summon up incredible strength to "make it happen" but just as life is a journey and a process, so too are some experiences we have in life. They aren't all just a "happening in the moment" then they are gone, understood, processed and fade away. Some are not like that and what you have experienced is heart-wrenching to say the least and at least you know that now, while you don't know anyone on Ted.com, some of us are now with you in spirit. We think about you after we close this web site and go on to our own lives.

        It does seem however, that will power is required to simply go on: get up, work, cook, eat, sleep, etc. but of the heart, I don't necessarily think so, or don't really know.

        Speaking from experience though, sometimes life will rip us wide open in order that we may feel deeper than ever before in order to make contact with that which is deep inside us. I have had and suffered many wounds in my life. For what it's worth to you now, when I feel myself sinking back into my abyss, I tell myself this:

        There is nothing wrong with me, that a good wound won't heal.

        In this moment, you are all right. And you will find your way out. Just keep walking till you get there. It's not just one pain at a time, or one day at a time but it also is one step at a time.
        Feel it all. That is one of the good things in life. I used to take care of a paraplegic. One morning, I thought I hurt him as I dressed him, and he moaned. He said, don't worry. I can't feel anything."
        In that moment I was grateful that I could feel pain and would not trade places with him to be free of it.
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          Nov 7 2011: It's not a pain.
          In fact,if I were you and took care of the paraplegic,I wouldn't be grateful,because I think there is no difference between he and me.You can still feel a pain because you haven't been through the most painful thing,if you have,look at me,all you can feel is nothing,empty,boundless emptiness.A paraplegic in soul is much more terrible.
          But as you said life does go on,I really appreciate your words for they are very helpful.
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      Nov 4 2011: Thank you.I hope you'll be OK.It' s very kind of you,really.
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    Nov 4 2011: I hope you can find a way of getting through the pain. To be in love requires loving yourself and life itself too these things don't die. Be strong, your name is a beautiful message.
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    Nov 4 2011: Seek comfort from your close ones, as much as you can.
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    Nov 4 2011: there is not much one can say. but you might look for the story of Kisa Gotami.
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      Nov 4 2011: Thank you.I'll go and have a look at that story.
  • Nov 7 2011: "A paraplegic in soul is much more terrible." I agree but it's not you. You feel.

    Acceptance: Your question.
    The person I took care of couldn't feel pain but could feel emotional pain, tortuous thoughts, or sense his spirit weakening, fading or fear losing contact with it. I too, have struggled, as does every one, with acceptance of things just the way they are. I have had too much pain in my life, of all kinds. He would love to be able to feel physical pain again. I, on the other hand, compared it to my inability to accept much that was trivial. This is the reason I used him as an example, because he was paralyzed instantly, when he was 16 yrs. old. He knew immediately it was permanent. He told his mother, who in turn told me, the very first thing he did was, "accept it!" Later on, he most certainly was angry, asking, "why me?, why now?, why, why?" He may have had other second thoughts: "life is cruel", followed by, "why is life so cruel?", or, "I take back my acceptance!", but his saving grace, that which he knew he could never take back, go back on, or undo, was that he had accepted it. And that was his path to acceptance/freedom. That was the key to being free of it rather than it owning him and paralyzing him with emptiness. Today, he lives a wonderful life and has wonderful people in his life. He enjoys life. Just as he looked forward to being a professional athlete, he next looked forward to all the wonderful, new things life would fill his boundless emptiness with, and it has, and it hasn't been pain. The same is true for you.

    Your boundless emptiness is overwhelming. I believe I know what that is like. But, it does mean you may be filled with boundless wonder, boundless life and joy.
    You don't have to do anything till you are ready. Be willing to be ready. To be filled. To accept the good. To have joy.
    Acceptance is letting go. Letting go opens our hands, minds, hearts, souls and lives, to receive. You must accept the good, if you accept the bad.