TED Conversations

anwar kamal

This conversation is closed. Start a new conversation
or join one »

In your experience, what are the three most important aspects to having a successful marriage?

There are many different opinions about what makes a marriage work. What, in your own experience, is important for the best chance of success? You can list what you’ve personally experienced or things you’ve learned from experts or friends. Give at least three examples.

Topics: Phsychology philosoophy society
+1
Share:
progress indicator
  • thumb

    Nadine Clement

    • 0
    Nov 27 2011: Intellect, growth at same pace, common life goals
  • thumb

    Thomas Brucia

    • 0
    Nov 16 2011: Tenacity. Ability and willingness to say 'yes, dear'. A sense of humor.
  • thumb

    Gerald O'brian 50+

    • 0
    Nov 16 2011: Being able to share your loved one with other sexual partners.
    • thumb

      Juliette Zahn 50+

      • +1
      Nov 27 2011: Geraaaaaaaald !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

      This only works if you are a RAT.
  • thumb

    edward long 100+

    • +2
    Nov 16 2011: Marry someone you love. Someone who brings constant peace to your mind and joy to your heart.
    Marry someone who patiently and lovingly endures your difficult behaviours (we all have them) and never gives up trying to help you become better. Do the same for them.
    Absolutely and totally reject the idea of divorce. This leaves you only one option for dealing with problems (again, we all have them) . . . . . work them out together!
    • thumb

      Don Wesley 50+

      • 0
      Nov 27 2011: It worked just like you describe for 45 years and then it ended for me on Christmas Eve of 2008.
      It was devastating. There was no warning; there was deception.
      And then the Court took my home and threw me out on the street, with only the clothes on my back and my car to live in.
      A man made disaster, being cyclically generated, daily, in our own Court systems. [A reality]
      And then temperature dropped below zero.

      Where is justice when you need it.
      The mystery of injustice!
      I have one friend, whose name is God!

      Don [From The Silent Generation - 1930's]
      • thumb

        edward long 100+

        • 0
        Nov 27 2011: Well, Don, if you are going to limit yourself to one friend you picked the right one!Here is a reference to an account similar to yours regarding the sudden departure of a wife. This story includes an explanation of the purpose of it all. Perhaps you will relate. You will find it in the Bible, in the 24th chapter of the book of the prophet Ezekiel, starting at verse 15 and going to the end of the chapter.
        • thumb

          Don Wesley 50+

          • 0
          Nov 27 2011: Thank you Edward,

          I have just read what you suggested. I will revisit it this evening.
          Denise, my Sweetheart and soul mate just up and left and is living somewhere else.
          She abandoned the Christian faith.

          Don

  • anwar kamal

    • +2
    Nov 12 2011: How to Make a wife Happy?
    It's not at all difficult to make girls happy. You only need to be...
    1. A friend
    2. Companion
    3. Lover
    4. Chef
    5. Electrician
    6. Carpenter
    7. Plumber
    8. Mechanic
    9. Decorator
    .
    .
    312. Good listener
    313. Organizer
    314. Good husband
    315. Very clean
    316. Sympathetic
    317. Athletic
    318. Warm
    .
    .
    1054. Courageous
    1055. Determined
    1056. True
    1057. Dependable
    1058. Intelligent
    .
    .
    10013. Psychologist
    10014. Pest exterminator
    10015. Psychiatrist
    10016. Healer
    .
    .
    3110010. Stylist
    3110011. Driver
    .
    .
    But

    its not at all difficult.. ;)
    • thumb

      David Barnett 20+

      • +2
      Nov 16 2011: And all a man needs to be happy is to have a happy wife.
    • thumb

      Juliette Zahn 50+

      • 0
      Nov 27 2011: Excellent checklist Anwar :-) You've got it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and so has David :-)
  • thumb

    brian herring

    • +1
    Nov 12 2011: seeing each other as an"equal"
    be as truthful as you expect to recieve
    communication....
  • thumb

    Debra Smith 200+

    • 0
    Nov 4 2011: 1) sharing common values
    2) open and intimate communication.
    3) keeping promises.
  • thumb

    Jozef K

    • +1
    Nov 4 2011: being alone
  • thumb

    Thomas Jones 100+

    • 0
    Nov 1 2011: Well, I think the first thing would be to have either a husband or a wife.

    The second thing would be commitment (commitment to your self, commitment to your partner, commitment to kindness.)

    As to a third thing ... I'm thinking.
  • thumb

    Jorgen Klaveness

    • 0
    Oct 30 2011: Maybe we should define "success" first? Reproductive success? Economic success? Harmony? Continued mutual sexual attracton at 75? With these caveats, my list is:

    1) A common value system. Partners need to be roughly aligned, in what they see as good and worth spending their time and other resources on.

    2) Different strengths and weaknesses, so that my strength can help compensate for your weakness, and vice versa.

    3) Gratitude for what the partner can contribute to your life.

    If you want your partner to stay attracted to you, one of yout most fundamental needs is to find ways of remaining useful to your partner.

  • Carol A.

    • 0
    Oct 30 2011: Commitment/dedication.
    Patience/understanding.
    Mutual respect.
  • thumb

    Tony Kuphaldt 10+

    • +3
    Oct 29 2011: Just celebrated our 15th anniversary last week . . .

    (1) Mutual trust and respect
    (2) The ability to distinguish between serious issues versus trivialities, and deal with each accordingly
    (3) A tireless commitment to building a better "us"
    • thumb

      Debra Smith 200+

      • 0
      Nov 8 2011: Congrats Tony, I wish you continued happiness!
      • thumb

        Tony Kuphaldt 10+

        • 0
        Nov 8 2011: Thank you, Debra. Indeed, I am a very happy man!

  • Bob Shingles 10+

    • +1
    Oct 29 2011: .
    1. Loyalty
    2. Truth / Honesty (Important components of communication)
    3. Awesome Sexual Relations

    4. Bonus: Never forget to celebrate the important dates.
    • thumb

      Jorgen Klaveness

      • +2
      Oct 30 2011: Isn't your #3 only a way of saying that a successful marriage is a successful marriage? For me, the question is what LEADS to those awesome sexual realations. In the beginning, it's easy. All you need is a young, pretty wife who despearately wants kids with your genes in them. 25 years later, it takes something more, and I lthink that's the point where the question becomes really interesting.

      As a lawyer, I've seen many marriages disintegrate. One common denominator I've learned to recognize in the bad ones, is how people complain to each other. They can be both loyal and truthful, but they still complain. In my view, a good marriage is not about having a wife who loves me as I am (hell, sometimes It would take a saint to love who I am, and I'm no saint myself), but a wife who's dedicated to helping me become the person I want to be. That's not going to happen, unless I'm just as dedicated to helping her become the person she wants to be.
      • thumb

        Anastasiya Kochevanskaya

        • 0
        Nov 1 2011: So well said. I would call it helping each to become a Better Person. I see it as the ultimate goal of love=creation and belonging, don't mind the pathos.
  • thumb

    Steven Dilloway

    • 0
    Oct 28 2011: Money, money, and more money
    • thumb

      Colleen Steen 500+

      • +1
      Oct 28 2011: Dear Steven,
      If you honestly think that more money creates a more successful marriage...good luck with that!
      Anyway, you don't need a lot of money, because you like to eat at McDonalds...LOL:>)
      • thumb

        Steven Dilloway

        • 0
        Oct 28 2011: hahah.. I should've put quotes over "Money, money, and more money"

        heard it from a primary source.. hence I've never been married.

        also... Micky D's is getting expensive nowadays!
  • thumb

    Adriaan Braam 20+

    • 0
    Oct 28 2011: Our marriage of 42 years has had its ups and downs but we've tried to

    Be friends through thick and thin.
    Communicate love, which never stops because love is eternal.
    See our union is more important than the individuals.
    That our union, after death, becomes one angel.
    I am not perfect.
  • thumb

    James Turner 10+

    • +1
    Oct 28 2011: 30+ years of marriage
    1. Before you you marry anyone be best friends
    2. Relax their faults are not going to destroy the earth
    3. Communicate openly and filter honesty with love
    4. Find something you both like
    5. Be honest with yourself always
  • thumb

    Peter Han 500+

    • +2
    TEDx Organizer
    Oct 28 2011: Interesting topic. Thanks for starting this conversation.

    1) Adopt this motto " Love is a Daily Decision ".

    2) Build something bigger than either of you, together.

    3) Give thanks for what you have.
    • thumb

      Adriaan Braam 20+

      • 0
      Oct 28 2011: Item two 2) is, I think, most important because of the view that there is NO part that is more important than the whole. That applies to a house, a car and a marriage.
  • thumb

    Duncan Mabona

    • +2
    Oct 28 2011: Communication, communication and communication

    • anwar kamal

      • 0
      Oct 28 2011: u know mere communications become boring sometimes, so what shall i do if it make things worse
      • thumb

        Adriaan Braam 20+

        • +1
        Oct 28 2011: If you see communication as just words.. Yes that can get boring indeed and argumentative. But there is body language, the sense of touch. We have to communicate love and that can be done in many ways.
      • thumb

        Colleen Steen 500+

        • 0
        Oct 28 2011: Hi Anwar,
        If we percieve communications to be "boring", that is the reality we create. How about believing that there is always something new and interesting to learn about your partner? I believe that we change with time, and there is always something new and different we may discover if we are open to really listening.

        My x-husband and I were married for 24 years, and he always believed that he "knew" me, so he didn't listen when I wanted to talk about how I changed over the years. He "knew" me as a 20 year old women, and that is the "knowing" he wanted to stay with throughout our marriage. That was the biggest reason for me wanting to divorce. I didn't want to share my life with someone who thought talking, communicating, learning and growing together was boring.
      • thumb

        Thomas Jones 100+

        • 0
        Nov 1 2011: Hi Anwar,

        If you find communication boring, you might try some different skills. Communication is a skill and it can be learned (just like any other skill) and the better we get at it, the more fun, and meaningful it can become.

        But for some, it's not really "about the words" ... my Father communicated through action. It was hard for some people to hear him. To me, he "spoke" very clearly.
  • thumb

    Colleen Steen 500+

    • +1
    Oct 28 2011: Good communication, Better communication, Best communication
  • thumb

    Kat Haber 500+

    • +1
    TED AttendeeTEDx OrganizerAssociate
    Oct 28 2011: 22 years married: forgive, laugh, love.

  • anwar kamal

    • 0
    Oct 28 2011: 1. to give time for mate
    2. to make surprises occasionally
    3. honesty
Showing all 38 comments