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Joke if you have to ...
We all feel uncomfortable sometimes.
We all agree that humour makes us more relaxed.
We can also try to see beyond the good laugh and feel the healing.
So share a joke: a good one, a fav one, a dumb one if you feel like it. Just get into the fun and let us laugh out loud. :) Here's the first one from me:
A cow is climbing up a pine tree.
A crow sees it and asks:
Where are you going?
To eat peaches.
But this is a pine tree - there are no peaches here!
Don't worry I bring them.
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Closing Statement from Silvia Marinova
Thanks everyone for participating! Nothing better than a good laugh. :D
Karina Eisner 10+
So, in the spirit of health, here are some diet jokes...
~ The most fattening thing you can put in your banana split is a spoon.
~ The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat, it's watching what everybody else is eating.
~ How do you get a chocolate box home from the store on a hot car? You eat it in the parking lot.
~ "What are you going to do when you get as big as your dad?", "Diet!", said the boy.
~ Eat a bar of chocolate before each meal. It will take away your appetite.
Rafi Amin 10+
Mr A: I have got enough money to buy the whole world.
Mr.B: Well I have no plans to sell my lands now.
Salim Solaiman 50+
3 Apples changed the world
1st one screwed up Adam & Eve
2nd fell on Newton, so the start of New Physics
3rd was offered to the world a bit bitten of by Steve Jobs
Karina Eisner 10+
My sentiments exactly, apple is the best thing that happened to technology. Apple is technology.
Salim Solaiman 50+
Well here comes another (copy paste from memory)
Once in a very chilly winter day , a bird wanted to fly to a warmer place, so started it's journey......
After sometimes it got so frozen that it fell down in a field.
A cow while passing by, dropped some dung on it.
The bird smelled something very bad and about to be angry, but felt it's warm.
After sometime the bird being inside dung got back good strength, so thought as "I got back life, I should let others know that I am alive" so started singing
A cat was passing by, being curious of source of the song , it removed the dung to find the singing bird.
Happy cat , found a good hunt , so ate the bird
Moral
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend.
Most importantly , when you are in deep shit , keep your mouth shut.
Silvia Marinova 20+
Salim Solaiman 50+
Smart Woman + Smart Man = Romance
Smart Woman+Dumb Man = Affair
Smart Man+Dumb Woman= Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marraige
Silvia Marinova 20+
Silvia Marinova 20+
Silvia Marinova 20+
A few days later, the director was talking to the camera man about the next day's filming. The Native-American went up to him and said 'Tomorrow storm.'
He was right again, and he saved the director thousands of dollars.
The director was very impressed and gave the old man a job.
The old man continued to predict the weather correctly, but then he didn't come for three weeks.
The director was planning to film an important scene tomorrow and he needed good weather. So he went to look for the Native-American. When he found the old man, he said, 'Listen I have to film an important scene tomorrow. What will the weather be like?' The old man shook his head and said, 'Don't know. Radio broken'.
Astra Singh 20+
Here's one for the weekend :)
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause."Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
Silvia Marinova 20+
Kevin Penner
A man looking for work knocks on the door of a fancy-looking house. The owner says, "Yes, you can paint my porch" and gives him a can of white paint and a brush. Less than an hour later the man knocks on the door again and says "I'm all done ... but it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!"
And some black humour: I want to die quietly and peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not like the screaming people in the car he was driving.
Astra Singh 20+
Apparently these were real headlines:
1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
7. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
8. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
12. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
13. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
14. War Dims Hope for Peace
15. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
16. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
17. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
18. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
19. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
20. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
21. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Silvia Marinova 20+
Karina Eisner 10+
Silvia Marinova 20+
What operational system does the Matrix work with?
WINDOWS, of course. - answered the radio - Otherwise there wouldn't have been a SYSTEM FAILURE in the end of the first part and the sequel wouldn't have been called RELOADED. :)
Astra Singh 20+
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
-The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
-A short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a short medium at large.
-When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
- When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
-Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Silvia Marinova 20+
Why are you buying a ticket for the third time?
What am I supposed to do? There's an idiot at the check in who takes them!
Morgan Kent
Mr Kebabsoup
- There's no difference, both have a beard, except Tintin.
Wayne Roberts
1.Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I'm taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.”
Bob Van Oosterhout 20+
The third one ducked.
Astra Singh 20+
That’s once
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."
:D
Silvia Marinova 20+
Astra Singh 20+
I actually like jokes so much I have built up quite a collection over the years and enjoy sharing them with friends and family on a regular basis. By email, that is, because for the life of me I can’t seem to remember them when it really matters…for example at gatherings with friends when everyone takes turns in telling jokes and funny stories. Maybe I was an undervalued stand-up comedian in a previous life who vowed adamantly not to be funny in the next life :)
At one time I also used it as a foreign language teaching tool. Students had to be able to tell a funny story or joke (between 1-2,5 minutes) hereby testing their language proficiency, speaking skills, presentation skills and creativity. They really enjoyed that.
Silvia Marinova 20+
Here's another joke:
Dialogue in a pub:
Why do you drink so much?
To drown the grief.
Does it help?
Noooo, the more I drink the better it swims.
Salim Solaiman 50+
After their intial excitement of being together they started talking about the universe and how it came in todays form. One point they started which profession god created first as all of them loves what they are doing.
Unanimous agreement was that everything was haphazard before GOD created universe in todays form.
So the Engineer announced GOD definitely created Enginner first because he has to construct everything in order.
Designer jumped in .... told hold on, before you could construct , GOD created designer so that you can construct those in order as per design
Politician announced , friends you agreed everything was haphazard, so who did that then at the begining.........
Silvia Marinova 20+
1. They do whatever they want whenever they want.
2. They never listen.
3. They are unpredictable.
4. They complain if they aren't happy.
5. If you want to play with them they want you to leave them alone.
6. When you want to be left alone they want to play.
7. They consider you obliged to guess all their wishes in advance.
8. They are headstrong and their mood changes inexplicably.
9. They leave hairs everywhere.
10. They are driving you crazy.
What's the moral? These are little women in cats. :)
Amily shaw 10+
Silvia Marinova 20+
Debra Smith 100+
Four young mothers and their children were in group therapy in a Psychiatrist's office.
The Dr. started the session by saying to them "You are all dealing with obsessions and it is affecting your children."
He turned to the first and said, "You Margot are obsessed with eating. It even manifests in the name you gave your child which is Candy".
"You, Helen, are dealing with an obsession with money and so you named your child Penny."
"And you Andrea are dealing with an obsession with alcohol so you named your child Brandy".
Suddenly the fourth woman stood, took her child by the hand and left the room. In the hallway she was heard to say "Come along Dick, lets go get Peter and Willy and go out to eat. That guy doesn't know what he is talking about!"
Silvia Marinova 20+
Silvia Marinova 20+
Shop assistant: Sir, you can't smoke in here!
Man: But you sell cigarettes in here.
Shop assistant: So? ... We also sell toilet paper!
Thadeus Frei
"When I told them I was going to be a comedian everybody laughed, they're not laughing now."
Andy Jones
Corvida Raven 100+
Silvia Marinova 20+
Andy Jones
First guy: "No problem, genie. Can you get me to Jamaica, on the beach with a cocktail in my hand?". Genie snaps his fingers, and the guy's gone.
Second guy: "I've always wanted to be a rock star. Can you get me a recording studio with a swimming pool and an awesome band?". Genie snaps his fingers, it's a done deal.
Third guy: "Wow...so many things to choose from...you know, I'm not sure what I want. Those other two guys had cool ideas. Can you bring them back to help me decide?"...Genie snaps his fingers...
Seth Powell 10+
Barack Obama.
SEP
Krisztián Pintér 100+
Peter Wiggin
A man joins a big corporation as a trainee.The first day at work, he dials the canteen and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other end said, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the company CEO!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to?!"
"No." replied the CEO angrily.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and hangs up the phone
Krisztián Pintér 100+
Andy Jones
Corvida Raven 100+
Andy Jones
Corvida Raven 100+
Andy Jones
Broccoli: I'm not happy with my look... I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Well I look like an umbrella....
Walnut: That's not so bad - I look like a brain!
Banana: Can we please change the topic?
Silvia Marinova 20+
Andrew Wiggin