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Why is so difficult to Forgive and Forget ?
We have all heard about the way of life is to Forgive and Forget people who have hurt us or disturbed us. I find it convinient to either Forget or just Forgive a person in such a case ,but to carry with a normal relation has not been easy!!
James Kindler 20+
James
Ilse New
Holding a grudge against somebody who has hurt you is admitting defeat, it seems to me. An unpleasant sensation for all of us. I have, for a long time, found support and consolation in the maxim attributed to M. Ghandi to the effect that "Nobody can hurt me without my permission".
More easily said than done or experienced, perhaps - but in order to be able to forgive, hence appear generous, I have also started telling people straight away that they have hurt me, or disappointed me. As Colleen says below, often people don't even seem to notice that they have offended you. But if you tell them they will probably be embarrassed, even mortified - and apologize. This is the moment when it is easier for you to forgive and forget, clear up the misunderstanding and "normalize" the relationship.
Colleen Steen 500+
I believe dealing with anything, openly, honestly and as soon as possible is the best thing we can do for our own health. I feel that generally people do not intend to hurt us, and as you say, if they are told why we feel hurt, they often feel bad and apologize. For my own well being, and to accept responsibility and accountability for my own feelings, I say "I feel hurt by what you said or did". That allows me to take responsibility for my own feelings, and does not blame others for my feelings.
Luigi Vampa
Koen Scholten
Gisela McKay 30+
For me, holding a grudge is like letting people live in your brain without paying rent. Screw that - it just makes you (the brain holder) sick. Literally.
If the only way to forget (by which I mean drop it from your conscious mind) is to forgive, then you do it for your own health, and to hell with how it affects them.
Lastly, you cut them out of your life, or at least you stop giving them power over you - e.g. stop giving their opinion value.
Silvia Marinova 20+
Colleen Steen 500+
Holding onto a grudge is like letting people take up space in our heart and mind, and can, as you insightfully say, literally cause illness. Holding onto blame, hate, or a grudge allows the words or action to continually keep us in the victim role.
I agree...We forgive for our own health, so maybe we are forgiving ourselves for holding onto blame...grudges...hate? Quite often, the person we blame or hate doesn't even know what our feelings are, so it's not bothering them at all. It is hurting the one holding onto the feeling.
Colleen Steen 500+
With each and every interaction in our lives, we have the opportunity to learn about our "self" and others. Feeling hurt gives us information about our "self" and the person who did or said something that may have hurt us. It also gives us information as to how to interact with that person in the future...or not. I do not advocate forgetting. I think and feel that learning from our experiences is more beneficial to us as individuals.We can keep people at a distance, if that is what we choose, without holding on to a grudge or hate, which simply hurts our "self".
Benny boy
Gisela McKay 30+
I agree that we need not dwell on what we perceive as trespasses against us, however, I am not sure that "forgiving and forgetting" is the only route.
I know it is for some - but there has been some interesting work done in the field of understanding the human mind, obsession, and depression of late. From a study that was released a couple of weeks ago: "Patients who ruminate and activate the brain's frontal lobes are more likely to relapse into depression than those who respond with acceptance and activate visual areas in the back of the brain."
But I think beyond depression, people who hold anger in the conscious mind or who replay events over and over are the ones who need to forgive and forget - for the sake of their own health.
But people who are able to put these thoughts out of mind, without actually forgiving or forgetting, and function just fine, may not have to follow the prescribed path. There are those who, for instance, have tiny little attention spans - often perceived as a short-coming - but in this case are helped not hindered by the ability to be distracted and move onto something healthier (or at least more entertaining).
(I for instance, have a teeny tiny attention span, but have great recall. So, yes, when someone pisses me off I will "forget" them shortly, but that's mostly a functional thing. Cross my path again, and it's a whole other matter.)
So, to answer the question, it's a matter of how our brains are wired - and that is of course reinforced by our behaviour. I am a firm believer that unless someone is paying rent to be in my conscious mind, I'm not giving them the real estate. Others look at it as dwelling on past misdeeds is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die - which it pretty much is. The more you think about it, the worse your health is, while they are off living their lives.
tishe Hires 10+
Helen Hupe 30+
This can be only understood if we delve deeply into the psychological make-up of people. We all have defense mechanisms and use them without evaluating them while in a state of irrationality. That is why I think humility is so necessary. If one can say.......There but for grace, go I.....then we realize that given the circumstances of the offending person's life, we could act out as she/he does. Do we really need to punish irrationality or do we need to realize that this acting out is really a cry for love. This is the gist of a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke. (Right now I cannot recall the exact words) but I am sure you get my drift.
As to your question...how difficult it is to carry on a normal relationship with a person who acts out anger.......
it takes a saint.
Debra Smith 200+
Helen Hupe 30+
Debra Smith 200+
Helen Hupe 30+
Debra Smith 200+
These are skills that can be learned (thank goodness).
Deepali Dutta
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Debra Smith 200+
The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
The Merchant Of Venice Act 4, scene 1
It is also good to remember the times when we did not get what we deserved but rather had people who understood more and cared more and thus received mercy instead.
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Debra Smith 200+
In the context of your answer, I think of the massive loss of life in Iraq where people already victimized by a tyrant have been additionally victimized by a more powerful nation on the platform of 'justice'. The approximately 3000 people who died on 911 were not given justice by killing 150,000 plus people in Iraq. The injustice just grew and expanded. We do not even truly acknowledge that the Iraqis were not even involved in the original horror.
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Debra Smith 200+
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ori yohannes
Silvia Marinova 20+
Debra Smith 200+
I just do not appreciate the people who feel that they have the right to inflict their bad moods and bad actions on others thus I do not admire that quote above about "handling me at my worst"!
when my children were small and woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I used to tell them that I was sorry that they were feeling badly but that they did not have the right to make everyone else feel as bad as they did. If small kids can understand that- why shouldn't adults get it too?
Silvia Marinova 20+
You do have a point there but read me out, please. Well, for a person to become a murderer or any other criminal it takes a long, dark road of hardships. For some people the world has been filled with so much evil that there is no other way of existence. My point is that they don't know any better. As for the quote I haven't posted it all: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marylin Monroe. What I wanted to say by adding a part of this was that it's only human to make mistakes and we should accept normal people with all their flaws.
Gisela McKay 30+
About ten years ago I made a new years resolution to no longer start conversations with people when past experience has shown that I am not happier at the end of the conversation than I am at the start. It took a couple of people a while to get the hint, and another person never did figure it out and had to be flat out told to go away, but that rule has worked for me just fine.
There are lots of people on the planet - why bother with those who are unsuited?
Colleen Steen 500+
I made a similar resolution with myself many years ago. I started evaluating how I felt at the end of an interaction with someone. Do I feel energized or drained? Why do I want to continue to spend time with a person, if the interaction is not mutually enjoyable?
I realized I was maintaining several old friendships simply because they were old friendships, and I felt that it would not be honorable to stop seeing these people. However, when I thought about being drained each time I had an interaction with them, I asked myself...what am I doing to my "self"? This process works good for me too, but I've never had to tell anyone to go away. I simply stop initiating interactions/conversations.
Regarding sociopaths, bigots, racists, chauvinists, etc.:
I interacted with many of them while volunteering with the dept. of corrections facilitating "cognitive self change" and other sessions. I think it's important to know our "self", how, when, where and with whom we choose to interact. When we have no expectations of others, we are free to interact with whomever we choose without blaming anyone for our feelings.
BTW, I've also volunteered in a terminal care facility and been with several friends and relatives as they were passing on. Although one may think this is draining, I really felt very energized and empowered with these interactions:>)
Silvia Marinova 20+
Debra Smith 200+
We are more in agreement than it might appear. I too, with a long psychology background believe that people deserve more understanding than they are given. However, I get tired of people justifying other people's bad behaviour when it is a blanket approach. Some bad behaviour needs to be challenged in order to change.
Our learning makes it easy for us to understand the roots and causes of many behaviours but strangely enough, I have discovered that many people who have REALLY experienced the terrible stuff are kind and considerate. Once one has experienced maltreatment at the hands of another, many resolve to never do something like that to any other person. Part of the teaching of empathy and compassion is to help people understand that they have choices in managing their emotions and actions.
As to the Marylin Monroe quote- I wonder if someone had taught her to be better than her worst if she might have had a happier outcome in life?
Gisela McKay 30+
I don't, but that may be me.
Colleen Steen 500+
I think/feel that the closer we get emotionally to a person, the more we have invested. The more we are emotionally invested, the more we can be hurt. There are many levels of emotional investment, so how emotionally invested one is in work/professional situations probably depends on many different elements for each individual?
Silvia Marinova 20+
Interesting question you've put out here. I had wondered what makes people lean towards such destructive behaviour as celebrities? May be if she had known better she would have done better. But then again can we really stipulate on "If" ... this word is soooooooooo ... engaging!
Nevertheless I had also discovered that some kinds of bad/destructive behaviour need to be addressed head on otherwise they just lead to a dead end! Finally, yeah we do seem to be in agreement more than it might appear :D I also strongly believe in justice so I don't think people deserve to be victims of others' bad influence or attitude. By the way I really think you set up a great educational example with your kids there. :)
But it's only human to make a mistake, more than noble to forgive and stupid to forget 'cause it means you learned nothing from the experience. This leads me to my initial question: CAN WE ACCEPT OTHERS WITH THE MISTAKES THEY MAKE? (which doesn't necessarily mean being friends with them). If we can't then we just don't and stop interacting with them. Thanks everyone (Gisela, Colleen, Debra) for having such a great discussion with you. :)
Colleen Steen 500+
Good point...what purpose does it serve for us to be asking...what if things had been different? Things are as they are, and we either accept...or not.
You've hit on another good point, which I believe to be a basic element regarding moving on from destructive behaviors. We can address behaviors without blaming the person whose behaviors we don't agree with. By accepting the person and not the behavior, we can sometimes change our relationship with a person. My x-hubby and I remain friends for example, and I don't want to live with him. There are certain behaviors that I will not accept, and when our relationship changed, those behaviors were no longer part of my life, but he is part of my life in another way....as a friend.
This is a piece I stressed while interacting with offenders in jail. They had behaviors that were not acceptable. That doesn't mean they were totally "bad" people. I tried to focus on their good qualities to reinforce the idea that they, as individuals, and the good qualities, were welcome in society. The bahaviors that kept getting them back in jail were not acceptable. Not only were those destructive behaviors putting them back in jail, but the behaviors were ruining relationships with their famlies and friends. So, again...I agree with you Silvia...it is the behaviors that need to be addressed.
I believe we can accept others, reject certain behaviors, and be clear about what our own boundaries are.
Debra Smith 200+
Silvia Marinova 20+
Salim Solaiman 50+
Amin Tavakoli
anthony bruni 30+
Colleen Steen 500+
First of all, to forgive, we must have "blamed" somebody for something. It is beneficial to our "self" to investigate why we want to blame.
That being said, I think we learn by remembering past experiences and putting them in a framework that we can remember with the intention to learn and grow in ourselves. What we focus on expands, so focusing on blaming and/or forgiving others for what we feel, is not beneficial to ourselves or those we interact with. What is important and beneficial to our own evolution and the growth of the whole, is to be able to move away from "blame", so there is no more reason to forgive.....take responsibility for our own feelings for the purpose of learning,growing and evolving.
Amin,
What is a "normal relation"?
anthony bruni 30+
Colleen Steen 500+
I don't believe it is beneficial to try to place guilt on someone else. We can ask ourselves and others to be accountable and responsible for our words and actions, but if we are truly honest with ourselves, we cannot place a feeling (guilt) onto someone else. We choose in ourselves to feel guilty, and we choose if we want to try to make someone else feel guilty...or not. Each and every one of us accepting each other as we are, without blame or guilt, is more peaceful, in my humble opinion. It frees all of us from trying to control, or be controlled by others.
anthony bruni 30+
Colleen Steen 500+
No, we should NEVER accept rape, or any other behaviors that harm people. There are certain behaviors that as a society, we can say are not acceptable. As I said above, I think we all could be accountable for our words and actions, and if some people choose NOT to be accountable for their actions (like rape for example), then society can take action.
anthony bruni 30+
Ultimately forgiveness is a process. We can't demonize people for being human and having the emotions of humans. Sometime we have grudges from problems that mostly stem from us. We have to go through these grudges so we can better recognize them and avoid them in the future. It is not enough to repress our natural feeling, but rather we have to know why a certain grudge is bad for us and how it relieves us of responsibility. Other times we have harm visited upon ourselves and we have to learn to avoid such harm. We should not forget, if that is even possible, since it place us in a position to be re-harmed. It is up to us to forgive. If one chooses to forgive then they will have less of a burden through life, but again it is a process. It is only natural to want revenge, and to deny that is to be inauthentic. Its just a step in a greater process, and while we should not glorify it should at least be acknowledge as a legitimate choice.
Colleen Steen 500+
We can accept people and reject behaviors. I agree that "forgiveness is a process", and I agree with almost everything you have said about that process. I do not agree that "it is only natural to want revenge". Revenge only hurts the person who wants revenge. It becomes a burden in that person's life, and usually escalates.
Debra Smith 200+
anthony bruni 30+