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Carter Harkins

Chief Storyteller, Harkins Creative

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How Do We Teach Children Compassion and Empathy?

Joan proposes that if compassion is so good for us, why don't we teach it to our children? But how is this done? What are your ideas? What has worked in your experience?

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Topics: child development compassion empathy
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    Jim Moonan 30+

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    Oct 1 2011: At one point in this conversation there was lots of push-back regarding "teaching" compassion/empathy and whether or not "teaching" children something in the traditional classroom sense was effective or even appropriate.

    In conversations on subjects such as teaching and education it is inevitable that this perspective is expressed. "Let them seek out their own lessons" becomes the "liberated" way of educating. The question is, what more can we do?

    There are many places for teaching and learning to take place. One is the classroom (but now that is under review, and for good reason), but no one place is more important than another. Learning happens continually and everywhere. Children can benefit enormously from good teachers and one of them just might be someone whom you would least expect. To paraphrase, teaching a child indeed takes a village.

    Here is a small example:
    In school children are taught that Gandhi changed the world through his teachings and his exemplary way of living life and treating fellow human beings. The students "learn" this fact, but likely don't fully understand or appreciate how and why it relates to their lives as children. In short, it goes in one ear and out the other. (I'll stop right here and say that a good teacher would not simply transmit this lesson to the child, but also find ways to relate the lesson to a child's personal experiences. Teachers must use whatever they can - art, music, storytelling, multimedia, modeling, role playing - as tools to help make the learning of the lesson more impressive, more real. I would also note that Gandhi is a perfect stepping off point for beginning to teach children compassion and empathy).
    The important point I want to make is that in the process of a classroom lesson going "in one ear and out the other" a seed is left behind. How that seed grows depends on the child's interest, the parents, and everyone else in the village. Welcome to the future of education.

  • Bilal Saad

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    Oct 1 2011: It's Simple It can be done by their parents doing those qualities. the most effective teaching it most done by the parents.
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    Sanket Gupta

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    Oct 1 2011: We cant teach them these qualities. But we can provide the environment for them to imbibe them. Exposing them to literature, movies and pieces of art is one way. We definitely need to be the examples ourselves in the lives.

    In fact, We need to teach each other sympathy and compassion not just to children alone.
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    Michael Hennigan 100+

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    TED Attendee
    Oct 1 2011: I would submit that the value of observational learning is orders of magnitude greater than simple instructional learning. Children will model the behavior first of their families, then the close surrounding community. Some of us do (did) attempt to teach this as our children were growing, with the lessons observed or participated in - readily recalled as young adults.
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    RAHUL MISRA

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    Oct 1 2011: Children learn through process of observation & absorption...... Surrounding modification is the most optimal route.
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    Jessica Figueroa

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    Sep 29 2011: BE AN EXAMPLE ! " Children learn through "modeling". They are ALWAYS watching you. Invariably... they will do as you do... not as you say. Arm and empower yourself and you'll be able to do the same for your children" .then talk to them about your experiences, what you think, and how you feel about compassion and empathy.
    and ofcourse be aware of what they watch in tv, friends etc..

  • Lynn Lee

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    Sep 27 2011: Role modelling. Children learn from adults and tend to mimic adults' behaviour when much younger. Be compassionate towards the kids as well. When they feel that they are being treated with kindness and thoughtfulness, they would gradually learn to appreciate it and show compassion towards others. Incidental learning plays a part too..Seizing opportunistic moments to teach them values of compassion and emphathy is very authentic learning..

  • Peter Carroll

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    Sep 27 2011: There are some great responses to this question; and I believe the question is an important, even essential one. I agree with those who say the answer is in role-modeling. We have to be the empathy and compassion we would want for our children. I think we also need to talk to them about issues / people / situations that require empathy and compassion - in simple terms they can understand. This needs to help shape their world-view: a world-view where no-one deserves to be in pain or suffering or poverty or fear. We need to tell them stories of compassion and empathy. How else do we form young people: it's though what they hear and see and feel.
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    Cindy Van Arnam

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    Sep 26 2011: I believe we must live by example more than anything. If we don't live compassionately, how will our children ever learn it from us? We tend to get so self-involved in our lives that we forget we are the first teachers to our children. Live in compassion and they will automatically learn it from us.
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    Modesto Reynoso Nedelchev

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    Sep 26 2011: One scientifically proven way would be to teach them mindfulness meditation (check google scholar for increasing number of articles confirming the positive effects). It has been strongly associated with developing brain regions that are responsible for compassion and empathy. This is especially useful for children since they just have to follow the meditation instructions, without necessarily having to understand the relatively (for their age) complex concepts of the subject.

    Another way, which generally applies for children education, is by being a role model yourself.
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    Michael Clancy

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    Sep 26 2011: I remember as a child that one family member would exaggerate pain or sadness and another would demonstrate (as if on cue) the proper behavior in these situations. Consistency is important. I do the same with my children but only my brother remembers how to do this properly.

    Another thing to consider is not shielding them too much (within reason), I remember contrast was very important to my development.

    Empathy is very subjective so this is a difficult question to answer.
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    Phillip Beaver 10+

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    Sep 25 2011: Borrowing words from Agathon in Plato's Symposium, adults "neither do, nor suffer, wrong to or from any person." This means when you need to be intolerant, you do so firmly yet kindly. In this way, adult emphathy is inclusive, and children get it, because it comes naturally to them.
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      Alex Mero

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      Sep 29 2011: http://alexmeroblog.com/?p=4266
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        Phillip Beaver 10+

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        Sep 29 2011: Alex, I like it:
        “Education should be founded as much as possible on kindness. A human being is a sensitive and emotional being and has an innate kindness. This emotionality is the basis of morality, but as the emotionality can easily deteriorate into an egocentric attitude, it must be refined by education. Kindness, another name for love, should always be the binding element in every education. Whoever develops kindness also cares about the other virtues, such as fairness, loyalty, honesty and other manners that are based on the respect for the feelings of the others. The result of such an education is not a guarantee for happiness, but it will always bring more harmony and inner peace in a child and in the world.”
        “Kindness,” as portrayed in Merriam-Webster online seems to involve more relationship than some people may want. That’s one of the problems I find with “compassion.” Because “love” can be taken in the same way—more attention than the other party wants, MW behooves me to employ the word “empathy”. I would like to learn of more used word; many people don’t think “empathy.” The teacher-student relationship is closer than most, so “kindness” might be very appropriate. (I am a chemical engineer.)
        Please take a look at a conversation I started, “Tolerance is insufficient: I propose “respect”. The product of that conversation was a five tiered, twelve column wide, up to 12 entry deep array of applicable words, negative to the left, “empathy” in the center, and “appreciation,” “understanding,” and “attraction” to the right. No one in the conversation approved of “tolerance” and a number of contributors thought that society’s reluctance to express intolerance is a major problem. Therefore, “tolerance” was to the left of “empathy” and “intolerance was to the right. I was astonished with the product of a short conversation by TEDsters!
        Your point “natural kindness” is well supported by James Q. Wilson, The Moral Sense.1993. 1997 ed.
        Thank you,
        Phil
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    Schwartz Benjamin

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    Sep 25 2011: Perhaps, this might best be shown through our actions, on a daily basis, as opposed to a lesson on a piece of paper or being followed in lecture by students peering at a chalkboard?!
    What do you feel about this?!
    As, Ms. Raymond suggested, I could not agree more.
    There is a "but" unfortunately. If our community and civic leaders corrupt the chain of "demonstrated moral integrity", the consequences might unreel the collection of positive messages our young learners have already spooled around their little fingers. It only takes one exciting negative to destroy countless positives.
    Ms. Raymond? Mr. Harkins? How do you feel about these opinions?
    Thank you for the wonderful topic.
    Regards, Benjamin
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      Angie Raymond

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      Sep 25 2011: I guess, I just hope that at an early age we can surround our young people with the right set of influencing individuals, who not only set a good standard but also teach critical thinking. While I do 100% agree that one exciting negative can destroy a lot of demonstrated moral integrity, I hope that part of teaching is to instill critical thinking. My hope, is that the combination of critical thinking and empathy will lead to thinkers that can examine the behaviors of corrupt community leaders in the context of the long term harm they cause to society.
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    Angie Raymond

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    Sep 25 2011: In the case of children, I believe the best teacher is a good role model. Children must learn by the adults around them demonstrating compassion- which is more rare then one may believe. Compassion and empathy are both skills that must be part of our daily living- these are either all around us, or no one can expect children to pick these behaviors up on their own. Their parents, educators, care takers and community must model the behavior -everyday.

  • Robert Galway 20+

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    Sep 24 2011: I think we agree. Sadly, nature can be cruel in that children cannot select their parents and parents unready, unwilling, or unable to raise a child still can have children. Finding that delicate balance of knowing what a child can handle and then having situations that somehow match that expectation at the appropriate time in a growth process is not always easy. Age appropriate varies very much by child.

    Teaching children is half the equation. Training parents and giving them the time to parent in life's various other survival struggles is something society should consider. The parenting process needs to be fostered as well as the child eduction process.

  • Robert Galway 20+

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    Sep 23 2011: 1. By example.
    2. By age appropriate responsibility for the welfare of younger siblings
    3. Taking care of a pet.
    4. Volunteering for charitable service to help someone less fortunate.

    • Harvey Von Gunderman III

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      Sep 24 2011: These are good things, but thats is how many people treat their children and they still dont understand, i feel that the main problem is the age appropriate responsibility part, they should be allowed more responsiblity then the equivalent age counterpart would, so children are given the opportunity to actually mature and understand the idea of empathy and compassion, what they are for, and what they truly mean and feel like. otherwise they will remain in the mindset of children of today...careless and greedy for the most part.

      • Robert Galway 20+

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        Sep 24 2011: More responsibility than they are ready for, involving another person or animal, may put that animal at risk. Like pruning a bonsai tree, there needs to be an adult over-seeing an mentoring the rate at which responsibility is given with a feedback control on how it is handled.

        Certainly the child given too much responsibility too soon loses part of their childhood and some events may create emotional scars. I think the emotional development and the physical development are coupled and should not be rushed.

        Careless might imply parenting efforts that were a bit too lenient. There has to be attention to detail instilled at some level, all through the growing/learning process.

        Greedy is a global problem. There seems to be a 'more is better mentality' that fuels many economies. The sooner one learns to be happy with what one has, the less greed becomes a driving force. Some fall in love with the push to get more, bigger, better, things..Apparently searching for happiness.

        I think an old person lesson is to create your own positive energy by finding happiness in helping others. Doesn't have to be material, perhaps mentoring or time. How to teach this to the young? Not sure. Perhaps by example, perhaps by showing them how to find self-gradification in helping others, perhaps showing them how to find beauty in nature, perhaps showing them how to enjoy the journey through life with humor, compassion, and sincere appreciation of friends and family. Mostly by example in these areas I think..

        • Harvey Von Gunderman III

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          Sep 24 2011: I am in no way saying that kids should sink or swim, im just saying that they should be given responsibilities and have their parents guide them, to raise an adult instead of another consumer, someone who actually understands how things works at a young age so that the majority of children at that point would be much more mature and responsible, in which case education would be better, society would change drastically, it would help stabalize this world that we have, so that they cna move forward to defend humanities existance, i fully understand where you are coming from, and what i really mean to say is that children need to learn through experience, but we as parents are here to guide and teach our child, so that they can grow and be strong, any parent who would give there child every responsibility and then watch them fail is not worthy of being a parent, its just not all on the childs shoulders, but more responsibility for sure i feel is the best way to teach them something, because if we continue the way we are going, we will have more gangsters, delinquents, and an increased drop rate in school, meaning a more uneducated populous.
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    Mike Euverman

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    Sep 23 2011: Compassion and empathy can not be taught. It can only be learned.

    The best way for children to learn it, is to witness it in the adults around them. You teach children how to interact with others, but being compassionate and empathetic yourself, in your own interactions with others. Getting angry at customer service, road rage, insulting people for having different beliefs (political or religious), and a huge list of others, leaves children with the wrong impression, and they learn to be selfish and greedy.

  • Harvey Von Gunderman III

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    Sep 22 2011: I don't think compassion and empathy can be taught, it has to be learned through experience, in that regard, if we were to teach children compassion and empathy, we would first have to put them through hell...which is never a good thing, i feel that the best option would have to be, tough love while guiding children by morals and responsibilities, i feel that a child should be given responsibilities other than the remedial BS that parents dont want to deal with like trash, dishes, and what not, those things should be a family activity and a family effort, but for instance, opening a banking account for your son lets say, depositing money in it each month, and show your child how to pay bills, at a younger age, you would have full conrtol over the account, but giving him the chance to learn life lessons early, giving that child a sense of maturity and responsibility, knowing that you can trust him, treating children as if they were adults, until they need to be treated like children, i honestly think it would work, and i will try it with my first born, but that wont be for some time haha
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      YD PARK

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      Sep 23 2011: It's really a good answer. Teach children responsibility, like you said, is what really means in life. But what compassion means in life is by taking them to the hospital ,for example, to care for patience for one day or more to understand disabilities. Responsibility, I think, is a way of living. But feeling compassion is more or less the experience directly or indirectly.

      • Harvey Von Gunderman III

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        Sep 23 2011: Yes, i fully agree, but with children, how can we say that they know the pain that those patients have gone through, as a child empathy, putting ones self in anothers shoes, would be so alien to them that it most likely wouldn't happen even if guided, compassion i feel could be taught if done properly, but the margin for error would be huge when dealing with a mind so young, I feel that if these things are to be learned, that other things that will bring them on should be taught, kind of like opening the dam, the water can only flow so much while the dam is there, but once taken away, it flows violently and rapidly, in teaching children to grow up and be good people, from the heart not the wallet, doing things because someone needs/wants help just for the sake of helping them, would allow that person to feel empathy and compassion through the teaching of being a good person that were instilled in them as a child.
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    Y-Q Tham

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    Sep 22 2011: perhaps by showing them (and ourselves as young people and full adults) how to love others? That living life is not just about your own successes, but for the collective good of the community. Instead of reaching out and taking the entire pie for yourself, to share it with a person in school that is bullied or ostracized.

    I agree that sometimes such things cannot just be taught, but it must be lived. How can we expect children to love others, have compassion and empathy when some adults are fighting wars, spewing discrimination, racism, sexism and hate from our mouths? Children see, and they emulate. While I know this is not true 100% for EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the world, yet we must set the example. We must show the next generation what it is really like to be empathetic, to be compassionate. Only when we can show it, then we have the right to teach.

  • Nur Shafikah

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    Sep 22 2011: Children learn from examples. Adults around them have to be a good role model. Adults have to do it consistently. I think we need to show our compassion and empathy to the child first. For example, if the child is hurt when he/she fell down, we should show that we empathize with his/her situation by taking good care of them and show that we care.
    Secondly, when we are with the child and we saw someone on the streets asking for help, we should approach them and help. After the whole situation was over, we should talk to the child and let them reflect their feelings.

    Get the child a diary or a blog as a platform for them to reflect on their feelings. Teaching children compassion and empathy can't be done overnight. It should be consistent and it is best if the child record his feelings themselves so that they can reflect on the situation in the future.
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    Assata Sherrill

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    Sep 21 2011: Adults, they are somebody's child: 2 days ago while enjoying the company of a neighbor I witnessed a dog running along the other side of the busy main street. I promptly excused myself, ran to get my car, searched and found the dog and tried to coax her into my car. She continued to run and eventually found a garage to hide, I tried to coax her out when a man, I later understood to be her owner walked out of a house and asked where did I find her. After a good beginning of a conversation, I noticed she had recently delivered puppies and appeared malnourished. I asked if he was able to feed her. He became extremely defensive and let me know the conversation was over. I explained to him my concern and offered him food for the dog ... he became more belligerent, I knew there was a strong possibility of physical danger. As I walked away I let him know how I felt about his demeanor towards me. As I opened the door of my car, he called out to me and apologized and said his mother had asked him the same question and being his mothers age, would not want anyone talking to his mother as he had talked to me. We talked for 10 mins. or so, hugged and shook hands numerous times. As I was leaving he called out to me 'matter-of-factly' ... "You know, today I met a Friend" I wanted to cry.
    I had every reason to fear this giant of a man plastered with tattoos all over his body and sending out a warning of attack. But my love for his dog and the belief that he had to have some kind of compassion inside him, allowed me to stand firm my position.

    During our conversation he mentioned several people in the neighborhood of which I knew of, he mentioned one neighbor that had taught him carpentry and focused on his elementary school teacher that had lived in the neighborhood of which I too had known and had been my child's teacher.

    I recently moved back to the neighborhood and everyone I knew has moved. So I met a new friend as well.

  • Mike Hudgins

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    Sep 21 2011: hmmm, it seems most agree that 'modeling it' is the correct way to teach compassion and empathy. If this is true then the initial step would be to turn the televisions off.
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      Debra Smith 200+

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      Sep 21 2011: Mike that is actually a very cogent point. Bandura, a famous psychologist demonstrated years ago that children to not actually learn human behaviours as well from television as from seeing it modelled especially if it is modelled by another child just ahead of them in stage of development.
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      Karina Eisner 10+

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      Sep 29 2011: Polls and studies show that most children in US spend 3 hs or more in front of the TV, and only 30 to 45 minutes fully involved with their parents (e.g. at the dinner table) Additional time is spent with video games. The level of violence (verbal and physical), short attention span, ADHD diagnosis displayed by children reflects on that and clearly says who and what is influencing them. It is no longer mom and/or dad. If you add the fact that the average age of the video game player in US is 37 (yes, thirty seven), you will discover what a lot of adults (many of them parents) choose to do with their off-work time -NOT spending quality time with their kiddos! social skills are mostly gone, and the level of aggression is huge.Those are the numbers, and i have the experience: I see it in the classrooms, the grocery store, the park...

  • corey willis

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    Sep 21 2011: I would like to pass on an idea that has been gaining attention in Canada. The idea is to bring a baby and his or her parent into a elementary school classroom and engage the kids with the emotions of the baby. This strategy has caught the attention of restorative justice activists as a great method of teaching young kids in the art of empathy and compassion. Here is a link for more info.

    http://www.parentmap.com/article/empathy-in-children
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    Jacquie Alsip-Yracheta

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    Sep 21 2011: Actions are a form of teaching when it comes to children. They learn what they live and see and feel. As parents it is our obligation to teach our children. And yes compassion can be taught, taught through the actions our children witness.

  • Andrew Wiggin

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    Sep 21 2011: Compassion and empathy are not traits that can be taught. They must be felt, absorbed and experienced by the child for it to sink in. Since this is the case, the parent must exhibit these traits for the child to exhibit these traits. It is vital that the parent always show compassion and empathy around their child for if a child does not have these traits, a different issue arises.
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    Sherrie von Sternberg

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    Sep 21 2011: it would seem somewhat strange to say what I am about to suggest but I have watched it happen in front of me, so here goes... Children learn compassion and empathy when they experience one of their peers in pain. Now, I don't suggest that we set up little children to get hurt, but in the natural course of things small children will tussle or run and fall down or snatch toys away from one another. As a parent I was always working to have my twin children cooperate with one another and became very upset when the constantly bickered and fought. Looking back now I can distinctly remember the look of compassion that would come over the face of the child that was not experiencing the admonishment due to being the aggressor in an argument. The other twin would always crawl or walk up to the one that had been "in trouble" and lend a hand or speak in the twin language and off they would go, temporarily bonded through empathy.
    I truly believe that children have a huge capacity for love innately. A child was killed in a terrible car crash on the way to school last week. His brother was driving the car and they were hit by a pick up truck. The child was 15 years old. He died in the helicopter on the way to the hospital. His brother was terribly injured. Another child was also injured but not as badly.
    There was a candlelight service and a tremendous amount of children turned out to pay their respects and tell of fond memories. Many children came of their own accord with no adults present. Each of them spoke of their condolences to the family. It was beautiful and spontaneous and real. I believe that what they have been taught is to love freely from the heart and I can tell you that it doesn't always come from their parents but from their community, their peers, their chosen mentors. They reach out for it and it answers.
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    Andre Gregorio

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    Sep 20 2011: Providing an environment of Compassion, Empathy and Equality.
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    Matt Lane

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    Sep 20 2011: Thank you.
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