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Effective Communication Skills ... to avoid conflict at every level!
Such skills are essential for personal, work, right up to international relationships.
For me these would include:
> sincere, clear and concise but kind words – written and spoken;
>active listening, as in actually hearing what others say and clarifying to be very sure;
>ability to negotiate win-win outcomes for all, this often means a degree of ‘compromise’ for all parties;
>ability to reason logically, to collaborate and network with others
I believe that lack of such skills can complicate and often are responsible for conflict from arguments and divorce right up to wars.
# Do you agree?
# What does ‘effective communication’ mean to you?
# What lies do you readily tell or believe in?
# Share a situation where lies or ineffective skills caused you grief?
For a man who knows a lot about 'communication' and his personal presentations are very powerful ... http://www.peaseinternational.com/
Closing Statement from Kate Blake
Much thanks everyone for some great input! Seems we all agree that communication is a most important skill and there are quite a few worthwhile suggestions in here for others to ponder.
Thanks TED once again for the forum to discuss our ideas!
Suraj Jain
-be concise
-be a good listener
-be patient and polite
-be concentrated
Well I would like to share a small incident happened with me, I work in Yahoo and my job is to communicate with Premium Business Mail Users in order to troubleshoot their issues. One day in the afternoon, I received a call from a company CEO. His voice pitch was telling that he was frustrated; the reason was his technical engineer left job without prior notice. The issue was he was badly in need of Biz mail account. Now he wanted assistance from me to create it. I started to explain him but my way of communication was technical and I was little diverted from him. Mr. CEO didn't understand my explanation, in fact my voice seemed him that he is irritating me; indeed i was. He told me directly the same and insisted to transfer the call my Manager.
I was afraid because that was the first situation where i was stuck due to lack of my active participation. Well I accepted before the customer I was not polite to him and I sincerely apologized him. Further I asked him a chance to let him help to resolve the issue. He agreed to that and I started to explain him in simple language(not technical). Guess what guys the same customer who was about to complain about me, he requested to transfer the call to Manager to inform that I was helpful and he want to appreciate my help. After that incident i learnt a lesson and started to follow the above mentioned key points. Post two month I received a certificate and reward for outstanding performance in my Team. Well this spirit advancing me to become an effective communicator.
Luisa Black
And we should also define conflict, but that is quite an impossible task, again it is a system, a set of correlated parts, and we deal with it differently and we accept different levels of it in our everyday life.
So all this is a complex concept, not at all answerable in a definite way.
It is an open-ended question. Isn't it?
Luisa Black
Effective when messages are understood (two-way); this does not mean avoiding conflict.
So effective meaning avoiding conflict?
Kate Blake 50+
And you are so right Luisa, we do use different types of communication in different situations. For those who know us well we don't need to be as wary of what and how we say things ... for newcomers we need to clarify regularly.
Silvia Marinova 20+
Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
I haven't learned who said this but it always makes me think twice before saying anything on a subject. Then again it's hard to get to your "nothing box" and be less prejudiced!
Thomas Condon
Kate Blake 50+
Kate, is a female .... read "responsible for conflict from arguments and divorce right up TO wars.
Allan Macdougall 30+
Kate Blake 50+
Allan Macdougall 30+
Allan Macdougall 30+
Kate Blake 50+
Allan Macdougall 30+
As an aside, do you think that people react differently to each other on discussion forums such as this, than they possibly might do when talking face-to-face? Why do they?
Kate Blake 50+
Allan Macdougall 30+
Some of the big important things missing are the body language and voice inflections we are aware of when speaking to real people, rather than virtual ones. I think body language and the subtle nuances of voice inflection speak louder and clearer than words do - sometimes, unless you're a poker player!
If we spend too much time communicating with each other on electronic media, How will that effect the way we interact with others? (I have a feeling there's a talk on that subject somewhere)
Kate Blake 50+
Allan it just occurred to me that this talk started by Autumn might help? May not be your issue but there are some comments about 'burn out'.
http://www.ted.com/conversations/4916/how_does_what_you_do_for_yours.html
Allan Macdougall 30+
There seems to be a fragile dividing line for many within the medical profession, between those who are doing an excellent job of 'doing the supporting' with true compassion, and those who are 'being supported'. This easily-broken line could be defined as empathic understanding and congruence towards those who we regard as being ill. For me it is an important notion that the aforementioned line be as fragile as possible - so it can actually be willingly broken - so I, as the medical professional, become almost 'as one' with the person who is ill. Too clear a line equates to too much detachment, which is less likely to elicit recovery.
Whilst this fragile demarcation between professional and client is perhaps a marker of congruence, it also runs the great risk of the medical professional him/herself becoming ill (I suppose this is part of what you referred to as 'burn out' in answer to Autumn's question), unless there are clear strategies for avoiding it, like regular supervision. I opt to have supervision twice monthly - sometimes more - in an attempt to keep myself 'professional'. Also, I think everbody has a kind of 'internal supervisor' in there somewhere, whose presence can only be made known to us by putting ourselves into pleasurable situations where we can switch off the persistent noise of our own consciousness. Long hikes among mountains does this for me.
Oh dear - I seem to be wittering on here. Does any of it make sense?
Kate Blake 50+
Allan Macdougall 30+
You are probably aware that the person-centred approach has absolute respect for the idea that clients, or patients, have within themselves many of the answers to their own problems, without the need for an 'expert' to tell them what is wrong. This may especially be true of the type of psychological problems that have come about through personal experience and circumstance. In counselling and psychotherapy, it is more likely to be achieved by providing the 'facilitative environment' for this self-awareness to come about.
The attitude of the therapist is important. By that I mean the willingness to be there on the same level as a client, as an 'equal' - rather than above him as an 'expert'. (This is where the 'fragile line' comes in). If we are told by an expert that we are ill, we will believe it, pretty much as a psychosomatic reaction, with the result that we actually will become ill, to match the diagnosis.
Subliminal reactions work in the positive sense too: For instance, If we trust someone, they will invariably become trustworthy.
There's too much to explain, but here's some reading you might be interested in:
On Becoming a Person. Carl Rogers (1961)
Published by Constable and Company
A Way of Being. Carl Rogers (1980)
Published by Routledge
An Invitation to Client-Centred Psychology. Tony Merry (1995)
Published by Whurr
Luisa Black
It took me months of effort to listen to the different accent of the Mozambican born (which is SO different from mine) and don't immediately think that what was being said to me was of a lesser 'quality', as I hastily infered from the accent (which is moked in Portuguese anecdotes...of bad taste, but a lot of them).
It also took a big effort (both from me and the persons I talked to) to understand that though we both spoke 'officially' Portuguese, without an effort from both sides we would not communicate, because we infered things that the other did not really mean, based on our own data base, on our concepts, our deep imbedded cultural values, mostly because we are different, and otherness has to be respected and we need to ask each other a lot of questions to make sure we are understanding each other, it just does not happen without the effort. So speaking the same language does not guarantee communication accuracy, you need an open mind and also you need NOT to jump into hasty conclusions (which are your inferences, not what was being said to you). This takes time and is difficult, and one tends to think that the person one is talking to is stupid (it goes both ways).
Kate Blake 50+
Glenn Meier
I was speaking with someone yesterday who proposed one alternative course of action. There were some things I didn't like about the alternative, but I was prepared to take that course if need be. My response to the question was, "yes, but ..." and then listing the negative side. That comment from me almost triggered a pretty big conflict, and it was all because the word "but" sent the message that I wasn't really willing to take that alternative. Later on, my friend and I debriefed the conversation and realized that it was that single word that got us off track. By the way, we found a third alternative that served both our interests!
So instead of saying, "yes, but ..." when you have some additional information to impart, try saying, "yes, and ...". That single word change can by itself remove some barriers to communication.
Kate Blake 50+
Rafi Amin 20+
Kate Blake 50+
Rafi Amin 20+
I try to use the 7 C's of business communications.
Kate Blake 50+
Clear, concise, cind[kind], considerate ....?
Rafi Amin 20+
Completeness
Concreteness
Consiceness
Clarity
Correctness
Consideration
Courtesy
Luisa Black
Do you communicate this way with friends? at home? is it easy to use the 7C's in a personal (subjective) situation?
Is it possible to 'totally' control what we say?
Can we always think twice before saying something we later regret?
Rafi Amin 20+
Obviously I dont. I think there is not so much formalities between friends & family memebers at home. As I have said above I try to use the 7'cs only in my workplace.
Luisa Black
Kate Blake 50+
Salim Solaiman 50+
To me "effective communication" means clear, complete, timely message delivery to the right person free from assumptions or prejudice.
Ultimately communication means "what recipient understands"
Kate Blake 50+
SO although our words might be 'clear' to us the other persons understanding is usually 'clouded' by our expectations or prejudice.
Can you share a situation where 'unclear' communication or 'misunderstanding' caused you grief?
Salim Solaiman 50+
Just giving an example of this morning in my work regarding clarity of communication.
Last week I had a meeting with a IT service provider from whom I am going to buy service they offer. Accordingly we agreed that service provider will call me this morning to fix a time for required connectivity tests on my office site.After coming to office I got a call from someone who was speaking local language of Sri Lanka about which I have no clue being an expat. Asked whether he can speak in English , he just cut the phone.
First I thought it might be a call which came to wrong number. But after a while I thought to check , so called my secretary and gave my cell to call that number and tell me what it is. So she did and found it's from that service providers office.
That BIG Manager who had a meeting with me gave the responsibility to talk to me to someone who don't speak other than his mother tongue.If I have not checked it , the important step could be delayed hence my project also , moreover because of that I would possibly even cancel the contract even with that company.
Understand it's an extreme example of lack of clarity because of differences in language but as it's fresh experience so thought to share.Hope it may be useful.
Kate Blake 50+
Have just watched the latest Talk about 'deception' and wondering how I can include it here. Because the worse lies are the one we tell ourselves ... so damaging for us and those close.