- Robert Jaffe
- Vero Beach, FL
- United States
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Is the exteriorisation of angry feelings a good thing or a bad thing?
Years ago there was a fashion that advocated getting angry when you felt angry. It was thought at the time that it was better for the angry person to show and demonstrate their anger than to repress it. Now psychologists have changed their minds and reversed their position. It's now believed by almost all professionals that getting angry when you feel angry makes things much, much worse, both for the person feeling angry and for those around him or her. This issue is related not only to violence, but also to current political polarization. What do you think? What do you feel is the proper way to deal with angry feelings?
Topics:
violence
Tim blackburn 30+
Andrea Morisette Grazzini 30+
Engaged action is, in my mind, a powerful antidote to angry rhetoric.
Many believe the Dalai Lama's wisdom is entirely derived from his meditative detachment from anger. I believe it is also derived from his redirection of energy to his cause for peace. Rather than raging against injustice, His Holiness converts his passions by engaging them in constructive actions, such as speaking and writing.
Bill Ury's observations of large peaceful mediations and transformations achieved by physical movement of, and sometimes between, angry or alienated parties are exceedingly powerful. They transcend emotional or expressive benefits of talk-, rage or pound the punching bag (or gavel) methods with the simple (but elegant) outlet of shared action, something akin to co-physical anger assuagement via energy redirection.
My personal favorite stories about how this works are from my local basketball court, where a cross-section of citizens that nearly mirrors the United Nations is often fighting for space -- if not working off the angers and injustices of life.
I must admit, my understandings emerged initially due to my frustrations tripping over all ages of mostly boys and men, while other females opted out of the chaos.
But I began observing magic in action. I witnessed Somalians playing with Christian pastors, the able-bodied seeing how good the disabled play, college-class super-jocks showing clumsy kids how to improve, Bosnian, Ethiopian, Asian and other immigrants teaming up with blacks and whites who aren't. With only occasional fleeting altercations when excitements peak.
And yes, now more girls and women play, too. Relational changes are abetted by court-side conversations, during which casual talk opens eyes and minds to the "Other."
My frustrated passions were delightfully transformed months ago: A Muslim girl in hajib, dress and tattered patent-leather dress shoes challenged me to a half-court shooting contest. (Yes, she won.)
Andrea
Robert Jaffe
Andrea Morisette Grazzini 30+
To build on your thoughts re: Dalai Lama mastering the art of redirecting energies, I think we can, too with practice. Perhaps similar to the suggestion Bill Ury made in his closing comments in his “From No to Yes” talk: that the audience start by reaching out to someone different. A first step to experience the magic he observes in his global work and I observe on my local BB court.
While redirecting our energies, we can also model the practice of it to others who might be observing.
I think of young men at my Y who were once pretty brutal. At one point they targeted me, throwing footballs at me. (More on that: http://bit.ly/mMdfTx) They've mellowed.
Still, I noticed a new player harass a young woman who works at the Y, demanding a quarter. His comments sexually aggressive.
My impulse was to call him out. Which I did, pulling my “woman” than my “mom” card out in my on-the-spot attempt to pull a rabbit out of the hat. The full magical effect didn't take in the moment. But it did distract him and a friend with him.
His friend, stunned (or scared) by this mom-figure going toe-to-toe with his bully buddy, told the bully to back down.
As I reflected about how I could have been more effective, I tried to construe a "positive agitation,” similar to what I've used in work. I try to quickly engage people, but NOT via offending, humiliating or gas-lighting.
The next time I went to the Y I brought two quarters. I was in the middle of a busy court when I saw him and called him over. He looked befuddled, but came. I pitched the quarters to him, telling him in a friendly but firm voice to use them to stop harassing. I haven’t seen him bother anyone since.
I don’t know how long his attitude will hold, but it’s something. And, if nothing else, gave me a chance to practice transforming my own anger by engaging in an effort to elicit pro-social change while accessing something of a "double-dose" of exercise-induced endorphins.
Andrea
Debra Smith 200+
Often, a whole set of feelings and emotions like rejection, fear and confusion default to anger. Anger is a state where your brain is on tilt (like a pinball machine). We can be highly focused but not necessarily effective and it is not even guarenteed that we are focused on the right object for our anger. It works best as a survival mechanism but it does not serve us very well on a day to day basis. Learning to recognize the signs before a person gets to the point of uncontrolled anger could really help many people live more productive and successful lives.
I am attaching a link to a very impressive TED talk because I read in a post below that you are a mediator. William Ury, the speaker is one as well and what absolutely captivated me in the talk- beyond the wonderful content was the shining good humour in his eyes. This is a man who I do not think resorts to anger very often and perhaps that is because he has seen the ultimate outcome of it. I hope you will take a look and perhaps comment if appropriate.
http://www.ted.com/talks/william_ury.html
Robert Jaffe
What you say about negative feelings and anger is absolutely correct, from my point of view. Rejection, fear and confusion do all too often default to anger. I very much like your image of anger as a state where your brain is on tilt like a pinball machine. It's so terribly true. And, yes, realizing what you're doing before you explode in anger, and then taking action to stop it, would be well worth while for all of us. As to your last comment, I'd be amazed if you found any professional mediator who "resorts to anger very often." From a mediator's point of view, anger, particularly anger in mediators themselves, is about as self-destructive as pulling the pin on a grenade and stuffing it in your pocket. Take care!
Debra Smith 200+
However, now you have really sparked my interest in what you can teach us on a basic level about mediation. Can I suggest - even implore you to teach us or share with us something ot that which you know so well? Even if you would consider starting future threads with questions we could consider and work through together.
I hope to see more of you and of your wisdom.
Robert Jaffe
Solving the problem of anger (and, yes, I do believe it's solvable, and I'm not a romantic idealist) is important on every single conceivable level: couples, families, workmates, labor/management, in schools, colleges, universities and internationally. It will take time, but it's feasible. We've already seen that kind of huge social and personal development. I've actually witnessed similar changes happen in my own lifetime. And so would anybody have done who's more than fifty years old today. They may not have noticed it. They may not have focussed on it. But such things do really happen in the real world among real people. Take care!
Debra Smith 200+
You take care too!
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Ed Schulte 50+
"taking it out" be it on the punching bag or the physical body through rigorous exercise ...only move the negative energy from one location to another ...objects do become "sick/dis-eased" though this transfer ...sick rooms, sick houses ..sick cities etc .....better to do as Tolle / HHtDL suggest and "observe" from that Higher State of Consciousness without any manipulating ....but rather simply accepting it "as it is" ....iow become 'Present' ....and know that nothing ..no force due to unconsciousness / agree / fear / etc/ can survive in the light of your Presence.
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Ed Schulte 50+
not wanting to belabour "anger" but it is worth the time to suggest that anger can be seen as an "opening" opportunity
Robert Jaffe
Ed Schulte 50+
"westerners" are ...from a so called "spiritual" respective, statistically anyway,
under the influence of a person by the name Jesus/Joshua .....who speaks even more directly to the subject here then, say a Buddha, ( former "Salvation", latter "Enlightenment"). )
So I have to respectfully disagree with your
"particularly angry people, for many different reasons, don't find themselves in a mental or emotional position from within which they can access essentially oriental wisdom "
accessing by "within" is the bases of Salvation as taught Jesus/ Joshua
and adding here that it is precisely the notion of how, as you say, "bright and cultured and sophisticated we may be "
which conveniently masks the growing Fear/Anger/Unconsciousness within the "Western's" and why they are seen by "Easterner's" as so "Fear-full".
Robert Jaffe
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Ed Schulte 50+
"The antidote for anger is compassion. Anger andcompassion are both attitudes, but they have contradictory ways of seeing the same object. Their outlooks are exactly opposite."
..............The practice of compassion is like a remedy for ruinous over emphasis on your self The sole source of peace within you, in the family, the country, and the world, is altruism, love and compassion."..............................In fact, compassion is the only way to handle such
a problem, since anger and irritation will only make effective action more difficult. At first, it may be a struggle to maintain compassion for someone who is being threatening or hurtful, but if you try again and again, you will find the way to react as strongly as the circumstances
demand without losing a loving attitude.
Anger needs to be controlled, but not hidden from yourself. Recognize your reactions; do not deny them, for if you do, your compassion will be superficial. When others are mean or nasty to you it is difficult to stay compassionate, but it is not unlike the relationship
between kind parents and their children.
Debra Smith 200+
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Debra Smith 200+
I haven't been looking at that area of research in a couple years but I'll see if I can find a reference or two. (I have no current research on the make up sex either! ; )
There is certainly good evidence to support the idea of running or a good work out - that works great! That is a form of distraction and evoking endorphins to change mood. There is no evidence of what was advocated a few years back that punching pillows, yelliing to get it out or even boxing lessens anger though.Kathy, if you know one thing by now it is that you go with what works for you! I have seldom interacted with anyone who was as sponaneous and intuitive as you are! Trust your gut.
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Debra Smith 200+
Ed Schulte 50+
"It's now believed by almost all professionals that getting angry when you feel angry makes things much, much worse, both for the person feeling angry and for those around him or her.
and secondly ....add examples of what they suggest as alternatives ....from their "professional" perspective.
I would suggest, in response to your invitation " This issue is related not only to violence, but also to current political polarization. What do you think? What do you feel is the proper way to deal with angry feelings?"....to review the works of Eckhart Tolle and "Pain Body" ( in The Power of Now ) and His Holiness the Dalai Lama's recent "How to be Compassionate" for insights into this subject because you are pointing to a Dis-ease in Western Society that is reaching Critical Mass and both these ref's point ways in intelligently 1) Understanding and 2) regaining the energy(s) lost to negative feelings.
I for one now better respect the "years ago" method of "Venting" when need vs the couurent "stuffing anger" ...the latter only attracts more negative emotions ( one aspect of Pain Body) and is a prime cause of escalating Heath Problems.
Robert Jaffe
As for their suggestions, for starters you might want to read Kathy K's post above. She has a good grip on the most frequent advice to angry people: first, realize that you're angry (many people manage to hide from this realization.) Second, consciously locate each particular "trigger" that sets off your anger. Third, think about how to avoid such triggers as best you can in the future. Fourth, figure out (with or without professional advice) how to channel your anger into healthier pursuits, such as (Kathy K. writes) exercise. Other people suggest any form of energetic (but not necessarily aerobic) activity, including playing a musical instrument, doing garden work, washing your car, walking to and from the store instead of using your car (if that's realistic), or (obviously) doing any kind of sport. I myself have found it valuable in eliminating anger to consciously work on positive relations with other people, in a much more attentive and caring way than I have before.
I'm not familiar with Eckhart Tolle but I do know of and highly respect the Dalai Lama, a wonderful man several of whose works I've read or listened to. I can't agree, though, that "venting" anger is ever any better than getting rid of anger in another, less socially toxic, way.
Ed Schulte 50+
Amily shaw 10+
personally , the bottom line is not to act that anger out on someone else and leave the scene if possible.but ye , its not that simple ...
Robert Jaffe
For example, take AGW. Neither side is actually listening to the other. There's a complete lack of trust on each side. Most people who think AGW is real trust scientists and specialized government officials. The anti-AGW group have been said to place more faith in businessmen and clergy. They simply do not trust scientists or government officials on this (or probably any) issue. If we could find some successful businessmen and evangelical clergy who do believe in AGW, perhaps they might have an easier time getting across the idea that AGW is real and has to be acted on now.
As for the bottom line, I do agree with you about not acting out the anger on someone else and getting away from the scene. I think Kathy K above has some good ideas on that point.
Amily shaw 10+
i agree with what Kathy said and anger is always secondary feeling and what associates with it is of importance.