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June Kim

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Can you control who you can fall in love with?

Some say that you fall in love cannot be controlled it is an instinct. However, others believe that through time and effort love can be possible such as in arranged marriages. Through time the people can fall in love. Is this true? or is love an instinct? and you cannot control who you love.So is love earned? What is the difference between love and lust? How can you see the difference if you cannot control who you love? Additionally is it possible that an individual can force themselves to not love a person?Why or Why not? Which side to stand on?

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    Jan 21 2014: The diversity of uses and meanings combined with the complexity of the feelings involved makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, compared to other emotional states. Because you set no perimeters I can prove any number of scenarios 1) A gold digger set the only requirement as wealth; 2) A shallow person would have only the goal of beauty; 3) A deeply religious person would require unwavering faith. 4) Social climbers would require position; 4) The political ambitious may require the combinations that would advance the odds of electoral success.

    As it is said that money cannot buy you happiness ... neither can a marriage set on goals and not involving any emotions. We each have our opinions as to what makes marriage successful ... I would think that you should seek someone who you can be friends with ... can respect ... be comfortable in their presence ... enjoy their company ... and so forth. Lasting marriage are worked on, refined, improved by those who give 200% effort each.

    If your only requirement to marriage is love .... you must ensure that you fully understand what love is .. to you. It would be to you benefit to understand if the other in your life shares your hopes and dreams and what their feeling involve.

    I wish you well June Kim and that all of your relationships are "good". Bob.
  • Jan 18 2014: I believe, from personal experience, that it is not possible to force yourself to love someone. However, what you can do as a human being is to open yourself to another person, open your senses, all of them. So that when you are with someone simply be there, all of you in every way you know how. Most people cannot do this very well since their mind is always wandering and their attention slips away. Instead of allowing this to happen become aware of it and return your attention, do this discipline and what you find is that your attention can stay with another. When it does, you will start to notice things you did not see before, your senses will be very sensitive to everything and your awareness sharp. Gradually, if you persist, then you start to see another person in their depth as who they really are without interference from your own thoughts and prejudices which have been clouding your mind. Then slowly the love that is always present in the world can be seen by you. This was never missing but rather unnoticed.
  • Jan 18 2014: Yes you can absolutely control who you fall in love with...after the inital *attraction* (i think this is a better word to use rather than *instinct*) to someone there is a stage where you come down from your *high*...this is the time scale you should use to "rationalize"....ie: is this person right for me? is he offering me what i want from a relationship? (first you must know what you want....if you don't know already it would suggest you are not ready for a relationship)...does he treat me with respect, how does he treat his own family? as women we must use the information wisely that we gather, as this enables us to make wise *choices* .as in whether this is someone we can be in a healthy relationship with. As women we are to *select* our partner wisely...we have control over who we look twice at, who we allow close and how close, or whether to reject them as *not right for me*
    There are different ways to describe "love" first theres the *feeling* of being in love which is the inital "attraction" you feel when a certain someone takes your eye....which can lead onto the second...love is an *action*.....this comes after the inital attraction (normally)......you begin to spend time with the one you're attracted to, and find you both have lots in common, they treat (action) you in a nice/kind way... with outward signs of affection/ respect/patience etc...i guess this makes the way for you to begin to *fall in love* with someone...this may answer your query about "arranged marriages".....they may go into these marriages without the *inital* attraction, but find that through time...through mutal respect (acts of goodness) etc love begins to grow and attraction can spring forth.
    To love someone is an *act* of your will, no-one can force you to love anybody....it is born out of spending time with someone where you have found attraction, things in common and mutal respect.
    Lust is to desire someone sexually, but normally ends after the act.
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    Jan 22 2014: Yes . Yes, I think we can. If I choose to stop taking care of my hair, cleaning my face and bathing my self, I would be a smelly, weird looking teenager. Not saying that all possible relationships are built on physical attraction , but the foundation is. When you first meet a person , you don't know them at all, all you see is their looks. That is what attracts you to them. After that, you start to get to know this person , and their personality either becomes an anchor, or...you don't like them. Either way , if I am unseemingly unattractive physically, ( to someone's eye) and I stink, that may deter someone who was possibly interested in me , before I seemed like a wild child born in a jungle. Nevertheless, yes you could control it. Is love an instinct ? No. Is live earned? Yes. Love Is your feeling for that person, their dorky habits, sarcastic remarks, enjoying this persons existence. Lust is that physical intimate longing for an individual. No , its not possible.
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      Jan 22 2014: hey, I wanted to ask you, Amani, in another place you asked if stalking was more an obsession than love, I'd like to know what obsession is, what are the feelings that make up obsession? I couldn't ask in the other place because your comment was already at the "third level," the three marks to the left of the comment, and at the third level there's no way to reply.
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        Jan 23 2014: Hmm....To me , obsession is thinking,or doing something repeatedly ,to the extreme. Like, if I play this video game for like 8 hours straight. And the next day 12 hours . And the next day 16.. T.o me that seems like an obsession for the video game. The feelings that make up obsession? Mmm, determination, desire,& longing. I wouldn't say stalking is love to the extreme. I think it is extreme obsession. But...
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          Jan 23 2014: How does love starts and proceeds into being obsession???
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          Jan 23 2014: can desire and longing be different than love? Well, maybe a rather immature, unhealthy love?
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          Jan 23 2014: i wonder if in a certain way everything could be love? Is there any sense in which hate could be love? I remember reading O.J. Simpson saying something like well, if Nicole's husband killed her, wouldn't that show that he loved her very much. What did he mean by that?
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      Jan 22 2014: Are you implying that love is not an emotion??
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          Jan 23 2014: How is it different???
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    Jan 21 2014: now why are you asking this question, June? Have you fallen in love with someone who isn't returning your love? Are your parents trying to arrange a marriage for you?

    For me, even if I love, I probably don't give myself over to love, I keep some control and awareness. I think you could be blinded by love and think the other person feels one thing when in fact they feel something else.

    I don't know much about arranged marriages. Do they have them much in China? I would think the parents really try when they arrange a marriage to arrange one that will succeed and be happy. Therefore I think in many arranged marriages there is a chance the people will come to love each other.
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      Jan 21 2014: No, and no my worldviews teacher currently came up with this question in class. are you saying that love can take control over your emotions?
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        Jan 21 2014: so, June, is it an assignment, is that why you posted it on TED?

        I would think love can take over your emotions. A really extreme case might be a stalker? Tells themselves they love this other person, thinks the other person loves them or will love them, does really horrible things that show ignorance of the other person? Or what about people who are extremely jealous, who might even abuse the person they tell themselves they love because they are afraid the other person is attracted to someone else?
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          Jan 22 2014: not an assignment it was just brought up in class

          So you are saying that an individual cannot control themselves if love takes over their emotions?
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          Jan 22 2014: But if they are stalking , is that love or just obsession? Maybe they don't love them at all. It depends on the person/
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        Jan 22 2014: well, lots of things come up in class, June. Why did this one interest you enough to create a TED conversation around it?

        Well, I think maybe some individuals might sometimes have trouble controlling themselves. Have you ever been in love? Did the other person return the love?
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          Jan 23 2014: I don't think I ever been in love yet. I have liked someone of course and a person has liked me back but I don't think I have felt the emotion of love yet
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        Jan 23 2014: can you imagine someone being so in love with the other person that they force themselves into the other's presence even when it is clear that the other does not want them?
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    Jan 21 2014: Yes. Emotions are the result of a divided, biased mind. Love is not related to division.
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      Jan 21 2014: Then if love doesn't comes from emotions where does love come from?
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        Jan 21 2014: That which is Love, does not come nor does it go. That which comes and goes is not love. Find that which neither comes nor goes. What comes and goes, is temporal, contextual, finite, perishable. Love is none of those. You will find love in the innermost of your soul. But for that to happen, you must cross the Great Divide, and as you cross it, you must heal it. Then you will find love.
        http://www.ted.com/conversations/22405/is_today_the_same_as_yesterday.html
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    Jan 21 2014: I wish
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    Jan 20 2014: Love is a contact sport, no contact no sport.
    "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"... that's pretty much the case with love also. When the receptor opens, it will be filled.
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      Jan 21 2014: How do you know that the individual is prepared how do you know that receptor has opened???
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        Jan 21 2014: If your heart is open and their heart is open also... you take a chance, move forward.
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          Jan 21 2014: How does an individual know that their own heart has opened? Additionally how do they know that the other persons heart has opened as well
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        Jan 21 2014: Open- allowing access, passage, or a view through an empty space; not closed or blocked up.
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          Jan 21 2014: Of course but how does an individual knows that the "door of the heart" has opened?
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        Jan 21 2014: If you are allowed access, passage or a view, then it is open, otherwise it is closed or blocked.
        It is like trying to find neutrinos passing through your body, we know they are but they are to small to see or even prove that they are or not. Or like trying to determine the size of the universe, we can guess but nobody really knows so we just pick a number and believe. It is the believeing that makes it so.

        "Nothing exists outside the mind for it is the mind that makes it so"- Keith W Henline

        If you think you are in love, then you are. You cannot control what anyone else think's.
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    Jan 20 2014: I don't think that too many humans know what Love is...we only know of bias, of choice and of preferences, as it self-serves. Selfishness conceptualizes a desired ideal that is then elevated to the rank of Divinity, and it is then projected upon that which self--serves, giving it an endorsement and creating the deception of attractiveness. We then fall for it, hook, line and sinker.....and the Circus begins....This is how it is in my world.
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      Jan 20 2014: Are you implying that humans react to instinct and we express our emotions through lust?
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        Jan 21 2014: I imply that a biased mind only knows of attraction and repulsion, of like and dislike. Love is none of these. Emotions are biased. Love is not. This is how it is in my world.
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          Jan 21 2014: So you are saying that emotions and love is not linked together???
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    Jan 20 2014: Attractive women seem to be quite good at it?
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      Jan 20 2014: In what way? why and how?
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        Jan 20 2014: I think people sometimes confuse love with beauty or avarice. Love is when you genuinely like someone, it is something you have to create.
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          Jan 20 2014: are you defining love as something that we have to create? So love doesn't come naturally?
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        Jan 20 2014: Think of it as creating your future. Is creating your future a one time activity and then it is done or is it something you are always doing?
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          Jan 21 2014: I believe that an individuals future is created by the decision you make, but how is that linked with love?
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        Jan 21 2014: The purpose of love is about creating a future, do you see that?
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          Jan 21 2014: How is love linked to creating the future? explain
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        Jan 21 2014: Think about it
  • Jan 19 2014: You can manipulate things to a limited extent. You won't fall for someone you don't spend any time with, for example, and you'd be amazed what people can occasionally talk even themselves into believing (the old "tell a lie so often you start believing it yourself", except you were lying to yourself to begin with).

    By and large though, it seems to be one of those things governed by the subconscious part of the mind, meaning that control is limited where it exists at all.
    How you choose to act on those feelings on the other hand, is a completely different matter.
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      Jan 20 2014: how does the subconcious effect the controlling of the individuals emotion?
  • Jan 19 2014: Hi June,I think it isn't control issue,I think love comes naturally,why don't we enjoy love naturally but anything else?
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      Jan 20 2014: How and in what way does love come naturally?