Jelena Radenkovic

Pedagogue, Pedagogia

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What do you think about ignoring? are we really ignoring something, or we just do in the defense?

I think often about some ways of human behavior. Sometimes, I feel that some of the ways we are acting are ambivalent. When I talk about it, i stress that our behavior can't be scouted, out of the context.

So if we do think about it, then we have to ask, what is behind visible reactions? I'm interested in ignoring, especially. "Suddenly ignoring". " Suprise ignoring".
I think that ignorance is maybe one of the most ambivalent acting reactions. Then, I think that ignorance is often defense mechanism, for insecurity, dissatisfaction etc.

Tell me your oppinion:)

  • Oct 23 2013: Ignorance is absolutely crucial for our day to day function. Otherwise, we'd all be flooded with information, and be unable to act. Chances are that while you're reading this, you're paying less attention to the sounds of your surrounding, your sense of touch, your sense of vision for things outside this text box, and a whole host of other things.
    There are obvious drawbacks, like being less aware of danger, but there is really no way around it.

    There is of course willful ignorance, which serves as a defense mechanism for emotional reasons rather than information overload ones, and it can be just as important, and just as dangerous.
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    Oct 24 2013: Hi Jelena !

    I believe, Ignoring is 'To stop giving your attention to something/someone, which (you think) is useless or unimportant or harmless to you. Ignoring happens in two ways, knowingly and unknowingly. When we ignorantly ignore something it becomes natural behavior of us (like a fly flies in front of your eyes), but it is ambivalent when we intentionally force ourselves to ignore (like when you 'try to' ignore your ex-lover); Such act becomes unnatural bcoz we split into two parts from inside.

    Being ignorant of something is quite natural, however we can use it as a defense mechanism against insecurities or dissatisfaction but then it is intentionally, thus unnatural or ambivalent. :)
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    Oct 25 2013: Oh, it's you again. :) Interesting link.

    I link you something cute and cheerfully, to thank you for making this conversation more interesting and of course for schzoid personality link.

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    Oct 25 2013: Sorry, It's me again :B but I ran into some key words here in link provided that may be helpful.

    "Depersonalization is a dissociative defense, often described by the schizoid patient as "tuning out," "turning off", or as the experience of a separation between the observing and the participating ego. It is experienced most profoundly when anxieties seem overwhelming and is a more extreme form of loss of affect: whereas the loss of affect is a more chronic state in schizoid personality disorder, depersonalization is an acute defense against more immediate experiences of overwhelming anxiety or danger."
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    Oct 24 2013: Hello Jelena,
    It appears that you are connecting ignoring with ignorance?

    Definition of ignore...
    "to refuse to take notice of"

    "destitute of knowledge or education;lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified; unaware, uninformed"

    One can ignore one thing and be knowledgeable in several other areas. Sometimes very knowledgeable people refuse to take notice of a specific thing or behavior, so I wouldn't say that the choice to ignore a situation or behavior is necessarily from ignorance.

    If we are talking about human behavior, as you seem to be doing, yes, I agree that the choice to ignore is often a defense mechanism or insecurity, which are generally based on fear. So, to ignore someone, or to ignore human behavior, is sometimes fear of the unknown, and can be practiced by intelligent (in some areas of expertise) people, just as much as it can be practiced by ignorant (lacking education) people.
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    Oct 23 2013: Yoka,

    I'm glad I hear this advices.... I'm interested in this problem because of mine profesional profile. Also, I do some research within one of subjects on mine studies (Ambivalent behaviors as a concept formed in a family), and one of the ambivalent behaviours is ignoring as well, so I appreciate every opinion and it's helpful for me and my collegues.

    Greetings :)
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      Oct 23 2013: Yes, I think of another possibility of ambivalent ignorance now. Sometimes you want your partner to love you more and care more about your feelings ,but they don't realize how important it is, so you pretend to ignore them and give them a silent treatment, then without your care or company,they realize and understand how important you are to their life and become loving you more.:)

      This is called“leave sb. at large in order to apprehend him afterwards”. So actually your purpose and your behavior are ambivalent in this situation.
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    Oct 23 2013: I think we should ignore some unpleasant behaviors due to cultural difference or people's unmeant offence.But if you ignore people themselves and give them the silent treatment, it'll be impolite and rude. So if you apply ignoring in a friendly and flexible way, it could be kindness and wisdom which will bring you some good luck and more respect.:)
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    Oct 25 2013: The point of this conversation is ignorance caused by abounding and disrespecting.

    And, of course, some forms of ignoring is not caused by pain,I agree, by I'm interested in the form that is involving pain caused ignoring.
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      Oct 25 2013: Your conversation will move forward more smoothly if you use the reply button to the right of the person's name rather than posting your response at the top of the thread. If you post at the top of the thread, no one gets an alert that you have replied to him.
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        Oct 25 2013: Ok. I will.... :) I'm still new here.
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          Oct 25 2013: No problem. Many people new to the site make this mistake and then do not understand why the interaction is not sustained. In fact, I have been here two years and still occasionally post in the wrong place accidentally.
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    Oct 24 2013: I can tell that you understood me. But, I will give my examples to make it more clearly.

    *Mother and father has small earnings, and they trying their best to make the best possible conditions for their children, for continue schooling . But when the children left into other city, their priorities wasn't concerned on learning, and they didn't have results. Parents are ignoring children and they are cold (because of the higher expectations, and appreciation for their effort)

    *Long relationship. She was cheating on him. He's deciding to forgive, but he acting cold. He is hurt, so he is ignoring her in some way. (because by the ignoring he represents how hurt he was.)

    *Two girls are hanging out. They go to same school, learn together....One day they are compete for the same work place. Dream job of both of them. One got the job, and another one is ignoring (because of wasting life chance to do something she always wanted, and because she was hurt, by choosing her best friend for that job)

    *The boy and girl have long friendship. Suddenly he finds girlfriend, and his best female friend is ignoring him. (because of feelings she was not aware, and because of jealousy.)

    I gave you mine directions. Ignoring as a defence mechanism came out of hurt. Ambivalence inside of human being, love+hurt=ignoring. So inside of the ignoring is not real cold, real uninteresting, it is hiding pain behind coldness. Am I right?
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      Oct 24 2013: I think the cases you describe could be cases in which the person feels abandoned, disrespected, or hurt. But not so much the cases I described.

      In your first example, the kids who go away to school may also be ignoring the parents, but not because of hurt.

      In your third case, let's say the girl who got the job now avoids the one who didn't. That would not be out of hurt.

      In your last example, if the boy with the new girlfriend also ignores his old best friend, that is not out of hurt.

      So in some cases hurt or a defense mechanism is involved in ignoring people and in other cases not.
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    Oct 24 2013: I meant exactly the things you itemize. (exept the last way of ignoring, it didn't come to my mind, and thank you for that example) :)
    Suddenly ignoring- the ignoring that is unexpected, sudden, came from somebody you are close with, and is not in the relations with previous behavior of the one who ignores.
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      Oct 24 2013: Let me rephrase for myself what I think you are describing as "suddenly ignoring," and you can tell me whether I understand your meaning.

      Two people are in a relationship in which they formerly communicated all the time and suddenly one completely stops wanting to communicate.

      This could be a man who has, outside of the home relationship, suddenly found another woman more interesting. It could be a woman who suddenly has a new career or engaging club that displaces her earlier attention to spouse. It could be a boy who comes into adolescence and no longer wants to talk to one or either parent. It could be a person who, perhaps as a side effect of a medication, stops being interested in anyone or anything anymore. It could be what used to be called "a mid-life crisis," in which someone suddenly comes to question the meaning of his life and all the choices he has made, often turning inward while grappling with this new awareness.

      Is this what you are thinking about?
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    Oct 24 2013: I don't understand what "suddenly ignoring" means.

    Here are some things I thought you might mean, since you study families:

    1. Neglecting someone. For example, a parent might be so busy with other aspects of life- work, for example- that she misses certain cues that something is not right for her child or spouse. It is not as much deliberately ignoring as not noticing because attention is mostly elsewhere.
    2. A parent could miss that something is wrong with his spouse or child because he so much wants to believe everything is fine. He observes the member of his family in a selective way, creating a narrative or explanation that deemphasizes observations he doesn't want to focus on.
    3. A parent is angry at a spouse and therefore ignores the person in the sense of not speaking to him or leaving the room when he comes in.
    4. A person chooses to ignore things like the fact that a room is messy, the jar lid is not screwed on, on the other family member is wearing clothes that are not suitable to the occasion. The person ignores these things because they are not important compared to the things he wants to focus on in the relationship.

    When you say "suddenly ignoring," this could mean a sudden change from attention to one of these postures.
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    Oct 24 2013: Excuse me if mine answer looks inappropriate, but I tried to explain, because of misunderstanding. I research studies, because of mine research.

    This is mine first begining of conversation on ted, and i didn't explain what I meant, I'm aware of it. Hope you'll understand... :)
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      Oct 24 2013: It is OK Jelena.....welcome to TED conversations:>)
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    Oct 23 2013: ignorance is bliss.

    assuming that people feel the need to interact rather than ignore, it suggests that they may have more light to shed on the situation. this is usually not the case as sharing an opinion is not the same as adding valuable information so it frequently devolves into arguing opinions.

    sometimes, there is nothing to say or add.
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    Oct 23 2013: Of course I have read. Actually, I'm asking about ambivalence inside of ignoring as well, and I got a plenty of answers that is more wider, than an area I'm interested in, and I am happy to notice how systematically views those answers has.

    I said in some comment above that mine impression of ignorance is running away from your own feelings (usually)and building some defense mechanism. I'm focused on ignoring in close relationships. If you read, you saw what I specifically mean. It is not about controlling emotions, it's about obviously ignoring them? Is it? So what do you think about it?
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      Oct 24 2013: Ignoring emotions is dangerous (for example through "positive thinking"). Where do our emotions go, if ignored? They have to go somewhere, so they go back inside of us.
      Sometime later someone says or does something that triggers those emotions to rise to the surface again, usually with more force than the previous time. Why would emotions do this? Well, they are trying to tell us something. What? Something important because they are shouting louder and louder 2nd, 3rd and 4th time around.
      Emotions are honest messengers, telling us something important about ourselves that we need to know. Deciphering the message is an interesting process. They likely come from a certain self-image that we hold about ourselves, and in turn that self-image is driven by a belief we hold about ourselves. This hidden belief, that the emotional experience points to, is important to know, accept, and transform if it is dysfunctional.
      (Read Maxwell Maltz's (1889-1975) "Psycho-cybernetics", written back in 1960)
  • Da Way

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    Oct 23 2013: I think the important thing is to reflect. If one is actively using ignoring as a concious behaviour, they need to reflect and think whether it is the most appropriate response, and whether there are better alternatives. If they still decide that it was the correct decision, why not? There are situations when ignoring is the most appropriate action at the time.
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      Oct 23 2013: It's not about correctness of ignoring, ofcourse it is appropriate in some situation. To repeat, I ask about your impression of ignoring inside of human behavior, especially in close relationships, and ambivalence inside of it. Ignoring is sometimes pattern of behavior, but in close relations (where it is crucial to involve the feelings) the ignoring has interesting background. It is not just moving on, or turn off feelings....?

      What do you thing about it?
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        Oct 23 2013: "It is not just moving on, or turn off feelings....?"

        No, it's not. Let's say I do something that harms you. First, how do I know I'm harming you if you are ignoring your feelings? Now, when it is time to "just move on" and one is still able to cause hurt and pain PURPOSELY to the other and using children as weapons this is where it becomes difficult to do either one. Tell me how to ignore the feelings you have for your own child? Is it right? Pretend you just don't have any kids? I don't believe the close relations can get any closer than this (parent ignoring feelings for child and moving on). I assume one has to find out if it is appetite that is causing this feeling of move on OR being forced by one/others/law to move on about their feelings for their child. Ether way I believe it's pretty eff'd up.
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          Oct 24 2013: Obviously there is misunderstanding.

          Ignoring with background. Human is not robot to ignore feelings at all, and pretend to not have a children. I talk about dealing with situation by ignoring, but suffering on the inside. Ignoring as defense mechanism.
          A lot of studies confirms the fact that when somebody is hurt by brake up, divorce, loosing friend, brain mechanisms are making memories so hard and make centers for love being more active, so you love those people, no matter that situation make you ignore them. In fact, you love them more than ever.

          And I said "it is not just turn off feelings or move on" because it's truly not. And you are talking about the hardest love emotion in the world- parent-child relation, and turning of emotions....? You misunderstood me.
          It's much more complicated than it looks like, and inside of ignoring for your dears, ignoring includes few emotions (it is constructive emotion, as love, hate, jealousy...) - and that makes ignoring be ambivalent.
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        Oct 24 2013: I'm sorry, I was not aware of your experience in such conditions of conditionings.

        "....?" ....? I'm so lost now. Anyways, I tried....?
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    Oct 23 2013: There is a plenty of possibilies.

    Ignorance of somebody, of some information, of some events, making selection between interest in information by ignoring, creating priorities by doing the selection, making "defence mechanism" by ignoring.... Such a wide topic, and interesting to discuss... at least I think so :)
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    Oct 23 2013: Nice view. :)

    And what do you think about kind of ignoring that is unexpected, ignoring that comes from your beloved and dears. Ignoring that comes from some self sensitive areas (family, friendship/especially man-female friendship/, job situations). And what is behind?
    Why are you ignoring your parents, your friends, your collegues, partners...? If you ask me, after some conflict, I'm so overwhelmed, and I ignoring because of mine reactions. I'm sometimes scared of how would I react, and honestly, I am scared not to be hurt one more time.
    So if you think about it, ignoring is not always state of "not interested in", it's more "I'm interested, but scared."
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      Oct 23 2013: Hi, Jelena ,

      I see your upsets and worries. I think if your friends or your beloved ones ignore you suddenly and change their attitude towards you unusually, you should try to find out the reason. If you have already known the reason and you have tried to communicate your ideas with them but failed, then I think it's a problem. You may try to ask other parties to help you communicate or solve the problem if possible. If ignoring their apathy can bring you more safety and peace in your life, it could be a good choice.

      But I think if your relationships really can't be remedied in some situations you can cut the knot of the relationship to eliminate your pains and worries(like you partner's cheating or friend's endless betrayal....).Better a finger off as aye wagging.

      It's just my personal view for your reference.
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    Oct 23 2013: Do you mean passive aggressive behavior? I hate that crap. It's very sly and sneaky with very poor problem solving skills.
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      Oct 23 2013: Yes, I do think about passive aggressive behavior. It's maybe the best name for that behavior.
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        Oct 23 2013: I believe this conversation and the feelings conversation is related in a way that some say it's best we control our feelings. Maybe being passive in how we feel is not best way to solve problems. What do you think? Have you read any of that conversation?

        No two people are exactly alike and if they are, someone is faking it.