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New Earth Short Stories

A collection of short stories for Children all around the world.
This collection is for age group 1-7.

Inviting short stories from all cultures around the globe, to be translated from their original languages into English and submitted here to this collective. You may include original culture alphabet for teaching. Please submit name of the original author and of the translator for credit. Include name of original language from which translation is made (for example: original language: zulu)

Let us put the best of our stories together as a gift for the children of our home planet. Lets us send them forth with the very best of our past cultures for the best of their future.

*** Please be sure to read - guidelines for participation - in the first post in this thread (click box on top left to "sort by oldest") to read entries in the right sequence.

**** Original work is welcomed in the English language from original authors.

++ Please place symbol © or word "Copy Right" before original Author's name.

This is a TED publication for free online learning and sharing. For prints please contact the copy right author.

A Happy New Year 2014

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    Oct 29 2013: .

    ~~~~~ Lejan’s Poem ~~~~~

    An easter bunny color blind
    is quite a rabbit of one kind
    so if it comes to you don't mind
    a favorite tone you may not find

    And if it broke one egg or two
    it was just late and on a shoo
    yet we all know that it is true
    that eggs go fine in carrot stew

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Original Poem by: 44-year old TED'ster
    Original Poet : Lejan
    Original Language - English
    Uploaded by Lejan
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Nov 2 2013: (continued, page 4)

    With a thunderclap the race began!

    Hummingbird Gal darted to an early lead. But soon she became distracted by all the pretty flowers and began flitting from one to another to check them all out. Hummingbird Dude knew how much his gal loved the flowers, so he had formed a partnership with the flowers to line the path of the Great Race with blooms. While smelling a dogwood bloom, she saw that her dude truly was more magnificent than any of the pretty flowers, so she dropped out of the race so that she could be with him.


    With Hummingbird Gal out of the race, Galloping Stallion blew to the lead. It seemed as if the Great Spirit had endowed Galloping Stallion’s spirit with the wind! Indeed, Galloping Stallion had formed a partnership with the wind for the Great Race. To this day, horses run as fast and free as the wind. But the wind will blow where it wants; so it was that the South Wind carried Galloping Stallion away from the race.



    Slim Buffalo Woman thundered to the lead of the race. It seemed that certainly no other creature could match her speed and stamina. But then, half way through the race, she came up against the Wall of the Badlands. She was not sure-footed enough to climb over the Wall, so she had to run around it.

    While she was running around the Wall of the Badlands, Sheep, Ferret, Magpie, and Man of The People came to the Wall. Sheep easily scampered over the Wall, Ferret followed the tunnels prepared by her partner, Prairie Dog, under the Wall, Magpie flew over the wall, and Man of the People followed a trail he had prepared before the Great Race through the Badlands.

    Magpie reached the other side of the Badlands first and could see the rainbow at the finish line of the Great Race not too far off across the prairie. Not having too much stamina, Magpie decided to wait for Man of the People to catch up with him.

    (continued, next page)
  • Nov 2 2013: (continued, page 3)
    The People said, “Hold on! This isn't fair. Buffalo and most of the other animals have four legs. That gives them an unfair advantage over those of us with only two legs.”

    Magpie said, “Yeah! I only have two wings. I don’t think that any amount of conditioning will give me the ability to fly for forty days and forty nights!”

    The Great Spirit suggested “If you want to form partnerships for the Great Race, that’s fine by me. Perhaps The People and The Magpie could be teammates…two legs and two wings should even the odds against the four-legged creatures.”

    The People and The Magpie, being of similar nature, quickly agreed to form a partnership. Other symbiotic relationships amongst other of The Great Spirit’s creations also formed. In some relationships, all benefited, but some relationships were parasitic in nature. The Great Spirit, in His infinite wisdom, decided to let these relationships work themselves out on their own.

    After a period of conditioning, either a male or female of each species lined up at a place at the edge of the Black Hills called Buffalo Gap to do their stretching exercises. The Great Spirit painted a rainbow to symbolize hope and to show the starting and ending point of the race.

    In those early days, the males and females of the species all looked alike. For the Great Race, all the species carefully groomed themselves according to their own vision. In this way the males and females came to look different from each other. To this day, all creatures have looked the same as they did when they groomed themselves for the Great Race.

    Some of The Great Spirit’s children feared that they would become lost during the Great Race. The Great Spirit talked with His brother, who had dominion over the Great Southwest, who agreed to send Kokopeli to play his flute and lead the children from the wilderness, should they become lost. Those who danced to his music would also enjoy great fertility, be fruitful, and multiply.
  • Nov 2 2013: (continued, page 2)

    Having worked hard for six days and six nights, The Great Spirit decided to take a nap during the seventh day. It was during this time that The Spirit’s creations began to argue. It seems that everyone wanted to be Chief while The Great Spirit was away napping. The moon eclipsed the sun, the winds scooped up the water and then spit it out to flood the land. Night and Day thundered and sent bolts of lightening at each other. Plants and animals invaded each other’s natural habitats and all of nature fell out of balance. The animals, insects, bacteria, birds, and fish all began to devour each other. Everything atrophied towards chaos without The Great Spirit around to show His children the straight and narrow path of righteousness. All of the ruckus awakened The Great Spirit and He said “Hey! What’s going on here?!”

    The People said, “Great Spirit, you created us in your likeness and gave us the biggest brains, so we think that we should have dominion over the earth when you take a nap!”

    The Buffalo said, “Great Spirit, you made us the biggest and strongest, so we think that we should have dominion over the earth when you take a nap!”

    All of The Great Spirit’s creatures could rationalize why they should have dominion over the earth whenever The Spirit decided to take a nap.

    The Great Spirit said, “Hey sports fans, how about we settle this argument amongst my children once and for all and have a Great Race around my favorite creation, the Black Hills. I reckon it should take you all about forty days and forty nights to run all the way around the Black Hills. So what you need to do is decide whether a the male or female will represent your species in the Great Race and get them on a conditioning program so that they will be able to run for forty days and forty nights. Whichever species wins the Great Race will win dominion over earth whenever I am not around to keep you all out of trouble.”

    (Continued, next page)
  • Nov 2 2013: The Great Race
    A blending of Lakota and Judeo-Christian Creation Sagas
    As told by Brent

    Dedicated to the whimsical children of the world

    In the beginning The Great Spirit decided it would be a good thing to bring order from chaos. So The Spirit separated light from darkness, the heavens from the earth, and the land from the waters. The Spirit thought, “This is good!”

    Being an artist of supreme talent The Spirit thought, “I can do better than this,” so The Spirit sculpted the earth with the mountains, hills, valleys, and prairies, and then decorated them with the trees, grasses and flowers. Into the heavens He sketched the clouds, planets and stars. With an infinite palette of colors, The Spirit then painted the heavens and earth with subtlety, boldness, and whimsy. So that He could enjoy it all more fully, The Spirit set the sun and the moon in the heavens and gave them movement to shed ever-changing light and shadow upon His creation. The Spirit thought “Yeah, I’m liking this!”

    But the Creator wanted to share His creation, so He then created all the creatures of the land, air, and water – a male and female of all species. So that The Spirit could discuss with them the merits of His work of art, The Spirit gave all of His creations voice. The wind blustered, the water babbled, the trees sighed, the birds sang, the buffalo bellowed, and the humans chatted – all of the Great Spirit’s creations exclaimed in wonderment about His great talent and the gorgeousness of His creation. And The Spirit said, “Now we’re talking!”

    (Continued on Next Page)
  • Nov 2 2013: TROLLS CAN’T DANCE!

    Little Miss Beth,
    With a serious glance,
    Asked with a slight giggle,
    Why can’t Trolls dance?

    Why can’t Trolls dance?
    I wondered why,
    As I scratched my head
    And looked up at the sky.

    It seems that they would
    Dance as pretty as me!
    With some ballet lessons
    Declared Aunt Jackie.

    They do not like music!
    Or have any rhythm,
    They can’t keep the beat,
    Concluded the Pigeon.

    Their heads are too big.
    They wear funky hats.
    What’s up with that?
    Asked scary black bat.

    They have but one eyebrow
    One eye brown and one blue
    They are very cross-eyed
    Yellow dog gave me this clue.

    Their long, pointy noses
    All covered with warts
    Poke their fat bellies
    Neighed twin baby colts!

    They have floppy ears!
    With beards way too long,
    And bright yellow teeth
    Bluebird chirped with a song!

    They have double chins!
    As a matter of fact.
    With dimples too deep,
    Meowed fluffy cat!

    With elbows too fat!
    To dance with much glee.
    And fingers too gnarly,
    Said Miss Bumble Bee.

    With such squatty bodies?
    I do not know how,
    While knocking their knees,
    Mooed the brown cow!

    They are pigeon toed
    And they have two left feet!
    Of course they can’t dance!
    Bleated Pink Sheep!

    I asked my granddaughter
    Tell me how can it be
    That the trolls who can’t dance
    Look exactly like me!

    The End

    Original Author: ©Brent White 10-02-13
    Co-Author: Karen White
    Original Language - English, American English
    Author's Note: For our granddaughter, Beth
  • Nov 2 2013: Beatrice the Butterfly

    Beatrice the Butterfly emerged from her cocoon
    Bent and deformed…less than perfect.
    Brent the Wood-Carver,
    Who had carved her mother and spun Beatrice’s cocoon,
    Fretted that she would never be beautiful enough
    To join her playmates on the carousel,
    So he sent her to the home for nonconformists.


    Beatrice languished in the home for misfits
    Till one wintry day
    Marcello the Artist found her.
    Marcello beseeched Brent to help him to restore Beatrice.
    Understanding that with love and care
    Beatrice could be beautiful
    And bring joy to children.

    With lots of love and many hours of care,
    Beatrice became beautiful in the eyes of Brent and Marcello.
    But how to fulfill her destiny of bringing joy to children?
    Her sister, cast from the same mold, but more perfect in form,
    Had already taken her place on the carousel.

    On the first day of Spring,
    Brent and Marcello found a home for Beatrice.
    The children of Bainbridge Island promised
    To love and care for Beatrice
    As she joined her new family
    At the Kids’ Discovery Museum of Winslow.

    The End

    Original Author: ©Brent White 10-02-13
    Original Language - English, American English
    Author’s note: “Bad poetry, true story."
  • Nov 2 2013: Serendipity
    (Indianapolis Zoo Carousel)

    I watched the somber mom
    Lift her crippled child
    From the cold steel wheelchair
    And onto the carousel ride.

    With bright scars of surgery
    On both of her swaddled legs.
    Her forlorn expression
    Nearly broke my heart

    As she hugged her seahorse
    I took it upon myself
    To introduce myself as the fool
    Who had carved her painted steed.

    Her mom nodded OK
    For her child to talk with me.
    She turned a soulful gaze
    Inquisitively my way.

    I told her that my daughter
    Had painted her fancy mount.
    She lit up all asparkle
    And wanted to know all about it.

    Per happenstance… mayhaps
    She too painted fantasies
    Of her aspirations
    Dreams beyond her bonds

    We chatted about seahorses
    Elephants, salmon, butterflies
    She wanted to know all about
    My daughter who had painted them.

    The attendant paused the ride
    Til we finished our little chat,
    Then started the carousel with a flourish
    The princess shouted “giddy-up!”

    The End

    Original Author: ©Brent White 06-26-13
    Original Language - English, American English
    Author’s note: “Bad poetry, true story."
  • Nov 2 2013: Magical Janie Falls (continued)

    With the beach twig tightly clutched
    To my disbelieving chest
    Fantail and Weka led us
    To our homeward path

    Where Tui gladly greeted us
    With vibrant, soulful song
    And joined in joyful harmony
    With Bellbird humming along

    On our stroll home
    My beloved and I discussed
    What could all this mean
    This other-worldly bequest

    To our enchanted minds
    All this could only mean
    For me to fashion the silver frond
    Into a magic wand

    So I did.
    That's my story
    And I’m sticking to it!

    The End

    ~~~~~~~~

    Original Author: ©Brent White 06-26-13
    Original Language - English, American English
  • Nov 2 2013: Magical Janie Falls
    (A walk in the Southern Alps of New Zealand)

    While strolling between rain showers
    Discussing Harry Potter's plight
    Tui's song urgently told us
    To be still and please take notice

    He serenades us daily
    Always while we walk,
    But we never before had the thrill
    Of beholding our favorite singer

    This time Tui came swooping
    Down our secluded path
    He seemed on an urgent mission
    We ducked our heads and laughed

    After Tui had whistled past
    In a mighty big hurry
    We scratched our heads in query
    What could be his vision-quest

    As we looked up again
    We discovered a double rainbow
    Arching over the mountain top
    Enshrouded by the mists

    It seemed to make footfall
    Only a hop, skip and jump away
    Within the dark, entangled forest
    Where nature never rests

    Our host had sternly warned us
    Never stray from the safe footpath
    If lost the most skilled Bushmen
    Will lie down and cry for mommy

    We did not want to leave
    Our cozy, safe footpath
    In quest of the end of the rainbow
    Merely for whimsies sake

    Just then our Weka friend
    Ran towards us with outstretched wings
    He rumbled a heartfelt greeting
    Weka showed us a hidden path

    Beset by gorse and blackberry
    We followed Weka's secret path
    Around the mossy boulders
    Beside rough and tumble creek

    Into the beachwood forest
    Through the hobbit-hole
    Under the wind-felled kauri
    To find a hidden cove

    Encircled by giant tree ferns
    Within the sun-filled clearing
    A flock of fantail-birds
    Flittered yon and hither

    Fantail greeted us
    Tail feathers boldly flashing.
    And led us to the burbling brook
    At the far end of the meadow

    Smack under the bright rainbow
    Upon a stout jade boulder
    Beneath fair Janie Falls
    Stood proud Pukeko-bird

    Blue feathers all fluffed up
    His red beak signaled greeting
    Grasped in his lily-pad foot
    A Silver Beach Tree branch

    Stunned by these events
    As if in a magical dream
    My bride urged me to take
    Pukeko's offering.

    (to be continued on the next page)
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    . . 100+

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    Oct 24 2013: ~~~~~ Olivia’s Poem ~~~~~

    “Come on don’t you have a heart?
    You don’t want these animals to depart.

    Forget the x factor and the top ten singing chart,
    Look at the most endangered animals and the poison dart.

    The Arnour leopard, Siberian tiger and Polar bear,
    They are so gorgeous, it is just not fair!!

    If I say their Latin names, will you listen more!
    Oh, Louis please don’t say this is a bore.

    Varanus komodoensis: Komodo dragon by the way,
    Why does man have to take him all away?

    Man, you are such a fool!
    Snakes killed alive for handbags! that is just not cool!

    Please listen to my passion,
    Although it may not be in fashion,

    I can not sing it, you might laugh!!
    I can not dance, you would say I was daft.

    But I am seven.
    And I want these animals to last!!”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Original Poem by: 7-year old school girl
    Original Poet : Olivia Binfield
    (Dreaming to become a Zoologist when she grows up)
    http://www.oliviabinfield.co.uk
    Original Language - English, British English
    Uploaded by jz
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Oct 22 2013: Dear Juliette, I am extremely excited that you are collecting short stories for children.
    I recently posted a new comment on Anna Yang's thread about the need of stories from Western countries in, or tranlated to, English. Please read my post there as soon as possible. We need your help.
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    Oct 21 2013: Did you grow up with this collection of this kind: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Lang%27s_Fairy_Books?

    So many children in the twentieth century did!
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      Oct 21 2013: Yes indeed Fritzie:>)
      • Comment deleted

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      . . 100+

      • +1
      Oct 21 2013: This is awesome!! Thank you. 437 tales from a broad range of cultures and countries, which were collected and brought by various sources from the oral tradition, were presented by Andrew Lang (1844–1912) in "Andrew Lang's Fairy Books". It will be interesting, when after the new stories are all submitted here, to see if any of those retold here are actually from those.

      Stories told to me by my grand parents were fabulous. Myself ..am not sure of either the century or the growing up:-)..what I am beginning to wonder though, is maybe I will always remain a child:-) since I am still wondering what may ever be found in the grown up world, nearly as fantastic, innocent and beautiful as childhood.
  • Nov 19 2013: Quantum Musings, continued, page 3

    … if I am stronger than gravity
    how can IT hold the universe together?
    … because it never gives up …
    the trans-universal tortoise to the quantum electromagnetic hare

    … Ryan’s pet theory…
    the wave function itself imparts mass
    hence gravity to matter.
    not the God-like boson particle

    ..dark energy and dark matter
    ...ephemeral as the neither world
    …so ya gotta read between the lines…
    …. God’s domain in the empty spaces

    … does the autistic child’s musing …
    God, Multiverse, Holy Trinity, Flying Spaghetti Monster
    in the same breath offend you?
    ...tread lightly in your rebuttal …

    the autistic child may start headbanging
    ..talk softly
    ...lightly hold his hand
    ....smile as you agree

    Author: ©Brent White 11-19-13
    Original Language - English, American English
  • Nov 19 2013: Quantum Musings, continued, page 2

    … and if photons are bits of electromagnetic energy
    that emit from a transmuted neutron
    how is it that light is absorbed by or reflected from an object
    by the excitement of electrons in the electron cloud?

    …and if matter is mostly empty space,
    devoid even of subatomic particles at the quantum level
    why don't most photons just pass through
    regardless of the vibrational frequency of photons and electrons?

    ... ergo, everything should be transparent…

    …and let us not forget that within the electron cloud
    electrons have different energy levels
    of vibrational frequency
    embraced by their own wave function

    …. ah! I see the light! …

    the boy waves his hands
    with changing amplitude and frequency
    vibrating the cloud of dust motes ablaze
    from photons cascading through the window pane

    … a subatomic particle (bit if energy actually)
    originating from the electron cloud is an electron
    … a bit of energy with the same mass as an electron
    emanating from the nucleus is a positron …. or a photon...

    … and what about dark energy and matter
    we cannot perceive by any known means
    that quantum physicists believe in
    with religious fervor?

    … faith in string theory
    which in turn gives birth to the multiverse,
    seem as logically consistent
    as the Flying Spaghetti Monster … or the Holy Trinity

    …. or perhaps the alternate universes with which we co-exist
    ARE the yin to our yang
    and expressed as the attractive force of gravity
    that holds our universes together

    … as such, this attractive force
    would permeate the multiverse
    with gravity most focused
    where the matter of the infinite universes overlap

    … does this make at least as much sense
    as mythical ether?
    the dark energy and matter
    of quantum mysticism

    “I am mightier than gravity!”
    blurts the autistic child
    demonstratively
    as he picks up a crayon

    Continued next page
  • Nov 19 2013: Quantum Musings of an Autistic Child
    not certain if this qualifies as a children's story, but it is based upon a composite of two autistic children I know)

    Quantum Musings
    by bew!

    It’s not an original idea,
    postulating that gravity
    spread across the multiverse
    explains its feeble force
    .
    it made sense to him
    when he read it in Discovery Magazine
    … but then why are not the other forces
    trans-space/time/dimensional too?
    Hey, maybe gravity is God's hand
    holding it all together ...
    or God's hyperbolic, trans-dimensional joke
    on old ladies with saggy boobs?
    …That’s what grandma says…

    The autistic boy
    pondered these things
    while walking in the drizzly rain
    ... oh no! ten minutes late to school

    …. and how does an alpha or beta particle
    result from an unstable isotope's neutron decay
    into a photon with an electron or proton (or is it neutron)
    flying out with gamma rays?

    ... how about a photon
    exciting electrons,
    cascading, reflecting absorbing
    into an electron cloud?

    ... hmmmm….
    the similarity of photons and electrons
    … and how does gamma radiation
    fit into the equation?

    “Ryan! …are you with us?” queries the TLC Aid…

    “…star light, star bright…
    first star I see tonight
    I wish I may, I wish I might
    have this wish I wish tonight…”

    …how can an electron
    originate in the nucleus of an atom
    from the decay of a neutron?
    or a photon from fusion in the sun?

    …but if a photon excites the nucleus of an atom
    and the atom's nucleus
    emits a subatomic particle
    is it then called a photon?

    … photon, electron, positron, beta particle
    all seem interchangeable
    only with different origins
    ... and all are part of the electromagnetic spectrum ...

    Can anyone shed some light on this?

    ... “self absorption and getting lost
    in his cloistered quantum world
    aids and abets his social ineptitude”
    declares the Special Ed. Teacher at TLC

    Continued, next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Creator poked a pithy stick
    Into the burning sun
    Then gave the brandt to Rainbow Crow
    To quickly carry back to earth
    Before it burned all up.

    Doughty Rainbow Crow dove straight down
    As fast as he could go
    The burning stick charred all his beautiful feathers
    And because he breathed the smoke and heat
    His throat grew harsh and hoarse.
    Rainbow Crow became a bird of black
    With an unpleasant caw
    Yet forever and forever after,
    All creation proudly honored him
    For he had brought us fire

    Old Man finished with his story
    By saying that the crow
    Is still most highly honored,
    All across the big, wide world
    Never hunted by any at all

    Grandma then whispered to me
    That if you look very closely
    At the crow’s black feathers,
    You can see the many colors
    Gleaming through the black.

    Author: as told by ©Brent White 11-17-13
    Adapted from Thom, James Alexander (2010-08-18). The Red Heart (pp. 45 – 46). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
    Original Language - English, American English
    Author's Note:
  • Nov 17 2013: Rainbow Crow
    as told by Brent

    Child eagerly leaned forward
    Delighted to be hearing
    A story of understanding
    About “Muhnuka’hazh”
    The many color bird”

    Old man made a sweeping arc
    Through the air before him
    While humming in a sing-song voice
    “Many color in sky, this so”
    He then made the arc again
    “Rainbow?” “E heh!”

    He pointed at her, grinning.
    “Yes. Muhnuka’hazh
    Is name of Rainbow Crow”
    Child understood Old Man to say
    “Rainbow Crow sing so good”

    Old Man tilted his head far back
    Then closed his eyes in wistful thought
    And whistled a lovely trill
    Bird notes floating through the air
    Child believed that she could understand
    Of what her Old Man spoke
    Although crows sing very badly
    And she had never known
    Of a many-colored raven

    As Old Man told his story
    Child believed and waited for more
    She glimpsed Grandmother watching her
    And peering at Old Man too,
    While smiling as Grandma’s do

    Child snuggled up to Grandma
    Rapt with Old Man’s story,
    Old Man spoke Leni Lenape
    Sometimes hard to understand,
    Til Grandma signed it with her hands
    Nevertheless the story bit
    into her fertile mind.

    Of Rainbow Crow most beautiful
    Back in the ancient days
    Before the cold days came
    Snow Spirit came into the world
    All creatures fairly froze
    They needed for a stalwart soul
    To go and beseech Kijilamuh
    The Creator who Creates by thinking
    They needed for someone to ask
    The Creator to benignly think
    Of the sun as warmly glowing
    Across a sun-kissed land
    And keep frozen death at bay

    Rainbow Crow bravely chose to go
    He flew upward for three days.
    When he made it to the fabled land
    He begged for the Creator’s notice
    By singing proud and true
    But when he begged Creator
    To make it warm again
    Creator said he could not help
    Because he had already thought it cold
    He could not think it warm again.
    But in a sudden blaze of thought
    Fire suddenly came into being
    It brightly danced with promise
    To give warmth to all the creatures
    Even in the cold of dawn

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 13 (last page)

    Santa has retired to his cottage in Moodus, where I will join him soon. Purple Bill and Holy Roller regret that they cannot be here to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, but even now as I speak, they are busy delivering gifts and spirituality to all the good folks of Usa, regardless of race, creed, religious preference, or sexual orientation. But we do have a special treat for you.
    Now, live, from the North Pole, and magically transformed by the Spirit of Christmas….my replacements as the Chief Toy-makers for the King….Ikybob and Rash, singing for you their new theme song…’I’m the First Toymaker for the King’!”

    “It’s a difficult responsibility
    When you accept an appointment from his majesty
    You must try for perfect quality
    When you’re the first Toymaker to the King!”

    As all the good folks of Usa sang ‘Have a Holly Jolly Christmas’ along with Ikybob and Rash, sightings were reported throughout the land of Usa about Purple Bill in his purple golf cart with Abby as a hood ornament, pulled by four tiny reindeer, and Holy Roller on her black and white Sting Ray with Suki purring in the handlebar basket, pulled by four tiny reindeer. On Christmas morning all the good folks of Usa were delighted to find their stockings stuffed with warm socks, psalms, and candy in addition to the mounds of Christmas presents under their Christmas trees, wrapped in bible verses. Song filled the land of Usa as the song ‘Oh Holy Night’ issued forth each and every time a Christmas present was opened.

    The End!
    And may you have a very merry Christmas!

    Original Author: ©Brent White 11-17-13
    Original Language - English, American English
    Author's Note: On Christmas Eve, I awakened laughing with what I call a "night funny." I had dreamed about my brother-in-law giving out Christmas presents while wearing a purple hat. Christmas morning, while drinking a cup of hot chocolate at a Starbucks, I expanded this night funny into this story.
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 12

    Just then, all of the radios, televisions, video games, Ipods and all other electronic inconveniences throughout the realm of Usa became full of static as the sun slipped below the horizon and a glorious aurora borealis of historic proportions burst forth over the North Pole. In the absence of all the electronic distractions, families throughout Usa gathered together and lifted their voices jointly in song, told family stories, or read the Bible together, and shared holiday cheer as family on Christmas Eve.

    At the stroke of midnight, snow began to fall throughout the land of Usa. It was the first snow to fall since the International Conference on Climate Change in Copenhagen had officially declared that global warming, fueled by consumerism, was indeed altering weather patterns, and was not merely fiction. Families throughout Usa went outside to make snowmen, have snowball fights, catch snowflakes on their tongues and make snow angels. Then the Northern Lights lifted as if for a curtain call. As they lifted, all the electronic devices throughout Usa came on simultaneously. Magically, they all came on tuned to the ‘Santa’s Workshop Christmas Show’, live, from the North Pole.”

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    “This is Elfin Kay, live from the North Pole! I’m certain that all of you have heard about how Purple Bill and Holy Roller finished in a split decision in the eBay auction for Santa’s delivery route, eight tiny reindeer and ‘the list’. Santa brought them here to the North Pole to reach an understanding on this issue. In the Spirit of Christmas, they have agreed to share the delivery route, the reindeer and ‘the list’.

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 11

    “To everyone in our listening area….A ‘Bambi’ alert has been issued! As a reminder, this special alert is a public notice mandated by the Supreme Court, because of a lawsuit brought by the League of Commonwealth Libertarians on behalf of the Usans’ with Disabilities Act, to help hopelessly lost idiots. This alert is for Ickybob Cane and Rash Lindburger who were last seen in the company of a little woman with pointy ears and bells on her toes, dressed in a green and red outfit. Ikybob and Rash were not happy campers…. Our reports indicate that they were last seen bundled together in a gold bag on the back of a lavender-colored jet ski, heading north on I-91! Anyone who has information regarding this, please call 1-800-247-4786 extension 27. Your name will remain anonymous.”

    “And…oh… by the way, ….we have an exclusive from Elfin Kay…for those of you who have been participating in the Purple Bill, Holy Roller eBay bidding war for Santa’s delivery route, eight tiny reindeer, and ‘the list’….call it what you like - caprice or a Christmas Eve miracle…it has resulted in a tie. Yes, can you believe it! A TIE!!! So, who’s going to take over Santa’s delivery route….and where are Purple Bill, Holly Roller, Ickybob Cane and Rash Lindburger! Stay tuned to your local news to keep up to date on these breaking stories! Oozed the announcer breathlessly.

    Just then, all of the radios, televisions, video games, Ipods and all other electronic inconveniences throughout the realm of Usa became full of static as the sun slipped below the horizon and a glorious aurora borealis of historic proportions burst forth over the North Pole. In the absence of all the electronic distractions, families throughout Usa gathered together and lifted their voices jointly in song, told family stories, or read the Bible together, and shared holiday cheer as family on Christmas Eve.

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 10

    “Never mind….I’ve gota get home ASAP and put a stop to this nonsense!”

    “Yes, me too!!”

    “Hey! Are you the one involved in the eBay auction of Santa’s delivery route” they said simultaneously, as Abby and Suki played together under the Christmas tree.

    “Is it true what Ikybob says about your plan to give children only bibles or coal from the furnace of Hell for Christmas!?! If so, I’ll mount a corporate takeover to make sure you don’t win! Flustered Bill.

    “Is it true what Rash says about your plan to give all children, even kids who surf porn, all the candy and toys that their hearts desire? If so, I’ll mount a holy crusade to save the sanctity of Christmas! Fumed Holly at the same time.

    “Huh???” They both said.
    “Well, bibles do sound like a good idea….but coal…where’d that come from? I just think that we should put an emphasis on the spirituality of Christmas.” said Holly.

    “Well lots of candy and gifts does sound like a good idea…but sexual deviants…where did that come from? I just think that Christmas should be a time to share our good fortune.” said Bill.

    “Hey look at those two over there….they’re snuggled up to each other just like family!” Gestured Holly towards Abby and Suki as they curled up together under the Christmas tree.

    “Yes, family….that’s what I believe in!” they both proclaimed as they thought of their families at home and the high noon sun glistened on the purple hat and the black and white rosary atop the village Christmas tree. As Purple Bill and Holy Roller smiled at each other with warm understanding, Bill, Holly, Abby and Suki were all magically transported in a burst of silver and gold sparkles into Santa’s sleigh, pulled by eight tiny reindeer, as it swooped overhead.

    “We have some business to settle up at the North Pole before midnight tonight,” chuckled Santa to Bill, Holly, Abby and Suki as they huddled in stunned silence in the rumble seat of Santa’s sleigh. Ho, HO, HO!

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 9

    “Only 30 ticks o the clock left ta cast your vote for Purple Bill on eBay” shouted Ickybob Cane into the radio mike.

    “Save Christmas! Vote Purple! SAVE CHRISTMAS! VOTE PURPLE! SAVE CHRISTMAS! VOTE PURPLE!” came the chant from the mob outside the Rockin the Morning Radio Show studio.

    “But where is Purple Bill? Mused Ikybob….”his wife says he was on his way home from the golf course, but hasn’t made it home yet.”

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    “You still have 30 minutes remaining to cast your vote for Holy Roller on eBay” exhorted Rash Lindburger into the radio mike.

    “Save Christmas! Vote Holy! SAVE CHRISTMAS! VOTE HOLY! SAVE CHRISTMAS! VOTE HOLY!” came the chant from the mob outside the Rash Lindburger Talk Radio studio.

    “But where is Holy Roller? mused Rash….”her husband says she was supposed to be home from the YWCA by now.”

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    CRASH!!!!!

    As Bill Purple and Holly Roller came around the blind corner they ran head-long into each other. Holly was catapulted off her Sting Ray and into Bill’s lap. Abby flew off the hood of the golf cart and landed in a tangled embrace with Suki. Bill’s purple hat and Holly’s black and white rosary became entangled atop a Christmas tree erected by the Salvation Army in the town square.

    “Jumping Jehovah!”

    “Why don’t you watch where you’re going on that contraption!”

    “Are you OK?”

    “Sorry, I was just so flustered by what I was listening to on the radio”

    “Meooooooow!”

    “Wuf, Wuf Wufffff!”

    They all said in a flurry

    “Can you believe what that idiot is saying on the radio!” proclaimed Bill.

    “Yes, Rash has it all wrong this time, I’m afraid.” asserted Holly.

    “Who’s Rash? I was talking about Ikybob!”

    “Who’s Ikybob?”

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 8

    “I have an EXTRAORDINARILY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!” railed Rash Lindburger into his radio microphone.

    “All of you Christian Soldiers out there in Usa must, MUST, MUST get online, surf to eBay, click on Santa’s Sleigh and cast your votes for Holy Roller! The very fate of the eternal souls of our precious children is in YOUR hands. OH MY GOD…should that sexual deviant, Purple Bill, win this auction to take over Santa’s delivery route, ALL of our precious children will turn into PERVERTS! Get on line now! This very moment! Cast your vote for our very own Moral Warrior! Only Holy Roller can save our children now. Do it NOW! Turn out your pockets and empty your bank accounts! Mortgage your home. WE ONLY HAVE TILL NOON TO SAVE THE WORLD!” Holy Roller, HOLY ROLLER, HOLY ROLLER!!!”

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    “!@#$%^&*()_++_)(*&^%$#@!!!”

    “I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS ISN’T MY FAULT! Pleaded Purple Bill to Kelly on his purple tooth”

    “!@#$%^&*()_++_)(*&^%$#@!!!!”

    “I’m coming home as quickly as I can!” lamented Bill as he swerved around a blind corner with the pedal to the metal of his purple golf cart, his purple hat askew on his head, and Abby holding on for dear life. “I’ll withdraw from the auction as soon as I get home…please don’t divorce me!”

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    “!@#$%^&*()_++_)(*&^%$#@!!!”

    “I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS ISN’T MY FAULT! Pleaded Holly Roller to Chris on her cell phone”

    “!@#$%^&*()_++_)(*&^%$#@!!!!”

    “I’m coming home as quickly as I can!” lamented Holly as she leaned into a blind corner on her black and white Sting Ray, her rosary whipping in the wind, and Suki holding on for dear life.

    “I’ll withdraw from the auction as soon as I get home…please don’t divorce me!”

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 7

    “Enough of that, now” dodged Elfin Kay “I have an important announcement to make.”

    “Spread the love, baby” leered Ikybob Cane.

    “Santa wants to let all the children out there in Toyland know that from this moment till noon, you can help chose who will win Santa’s delivery route for Usa. Just log onto eBay, click on ‘Santa’s sleigh’, and then place a $1.00 bid for either Purple Bill or Holy Roller. Then tonight, before you go to bed, you can leave your dollar that you bid in your stocking.” Said Elfin Kay.

    “So, a greenback per vote for the dude or the gal? Said Ikybob.

    “That’s right, and ya’al can vote as often as you want! As many dollars as will fit into your stocking.” Replied Elfin Kay.
    “Hey! Babycakes, what about the word out on da street….that Purple Bill will deliver candy and toys to ALL boys and girls, no matter what their sexual orientation….and Holly Roller plans to deliver bibles only to good boys and girls…and the bad ones will get lumps of coal from the furnace of Hell!!!.”

    “Well, Ikybob, I can neither confirm nor deny these rumors… But I should warn you that Santa has his own special ways of dealing with prevaricators and spin-meisters.”

    “Yeah…right…whatever you say… Ok, all ya dudes and gals out there in Toyland…ya got yo mission…vote, VOTE VOTE! If you don’t want your children to be condemned to the brimstone of Hell, start voting now for Purple Bill, PURPLE BILL, PURPLE BILL!!!”

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 6

    “OK, sugar, I’ll come home ASAP! Don’t talk to any reporters – leave that to me.

    “Wa, Wa, Wa!”

    “Yes, I’ll be certain to listen to the radio on my drive home.”

    “Why, oh why did I listen to your advice about that automatic bid thingy on eBay.” lamented Bill as he perched Abby like a hood ornament on the front of his purple golf cart.

    “I’ve got a situation brewin regarding one of my investments” Bill blurted to his golf buddies, as he catapulted into his purple golf cart.

    “Tee time, same time tomorrow.” Bill shouted over his shoulder with a tip of his purple hat as he and Abby made like a racecar across the 9th green and back towards the clubhouse.

    “Well hey! Honey!” Holly panted into her cell phone…”just a moment…almost finished with my first five miles…” Holly surged towards the virtual alpine finish line pictured on the screen of her exercise Alpine Skiing contraption. “OK, what’s up? Holly asked, wiping the sweat from her brow.

    “Wa, Wa, Wa,Wa!@#$%^&*()*&^%$#@!!!!!”

    “Now, calm down…”

    “Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa!@#$%^&*()+)(*&^%$#@!!!!!

    “OK, honey, I’ll come home right away! Don’t talk to any reporters – leave that to me.

    “Wa, Wa, Wa!”

    “Yes, I’ll be certain to listen to the radio on my way home.”

    “I have a small issue I need to take care of at home.” Holly explained to her trainer as she threw her sweat towel into the hamper.

    “Why, oh why did I listen to your advice about that automatic bid option on eBay.” sobbed Holly as she draped Suki like a camisole across her shoulders and mounted her Sting Ray.

    “We will pray together tomorrow.” Holly shouted over her shoulder as she made the sign of the cross and set a new 100 yard dash record across the parking lot.

    “A HOT FLASH from Elfin Kay! enthused Ickybob Cane.

    “First of all, Ikybob, I don’t think that Santa appreciated that comment you made about his assets…” said Elfin Kay.

    “Oh la, la…”smirked Ikybob…”I’d like to get my hands on your ass…sets”

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 5

    “And remember, you heard it first right here from Ickybob Cane on the ‘Rockin the Morning’ show!…Santa is gettin outa the bidness and Elfin Kay has put up for auction on eBay, the gay old man’s ass….sets. Rumor has it that St. Nick has a schwank little pad down in Las Vegas where he plans to crash…but wait!…There’s more! We just gotta exclusive from Elfin Kay that all but two folks have dropped outa the biddin….They just keep uppin each other’s bid, a buck at a time. Some bloke what calls himself ‘Purple Bill’ an some dame goin by ‘Holy Roller’ is dukin it out online ta win da sole rights to the jolly ol fella’s digs…stay tooned right here on ‘Rockin the Morning’ an Ickybob Cane will keep ya in the know!…”

    “Yes, Rash is Right in breaking to you the shocking news that Santa Claus has decided to retire…And its about time, if you ask me… Certainly we need to de-commercialize Christmas and re-center on Christ! Perhaps St. Nicholas has been reborn and decided to retire to a monastery to repent for his sins of spoiling so many children with sweets and toys…That would be the logical conclusion from his decision to auction off his Christmas Toy Empire. We have it from an inside source, known to us by the pseudonym of ‘Elfin Kay’, that only two souls remain in the bidding war for Santa’s Kingdom….a degenerate known as ‘Purple Bill’ and one of my favorite talk show guests ‘Holy Roller’. Be certain to stay tuned to the Rash Lindburger talk radio so that I can keep you up to date on this epic struggle between good and evil…”

    “Hi sugar!” Bill panted, answering his ‘purple tooth’ cell phone” wait one…gotta get outta this sand trap…” Bill then took a swing, sending a shower of sand and the ball out of the trap and onto the rough. “OK, what’s up?” Bill asked, shaking the sand from his purple hat.

    “Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa!@#$%^&*()*&^%$#@!!!!!”

    “Now, calm down….”

    “Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa, Wa!@#$%^&*()_+_)(*&^%$#@!!!!!

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 4

    “Hmmmm…..Here’s something titled ‘Christmas delivery route’….starting bid is $1.00…listed by someone using the handle ‘Elfin Kay’…five star rating…sounds like a lucrative opportunity to spread Christian morality…praise the lord, I’ll take your expert spiritual advice, Suki, and go ‘all-in’ with a $1.00 bid” mused Holly as Suki nibbled at a piece of her bran muffin.

    “What do you say, Suki, it says that by selecting this option, our bid will automatically increase over that of our competitors…should we go for it?…there certainly won’t be too much action while we are at the ‘Y’ this morning…we can follow-up on the auction before we begin home-schooling Pat and Bri this morning…”

    Suki begged for more of the bran muffin, which Holly took as an affirmative answer – with determination she punched the ‘option’ icon activating the automatic bid.

    Satisfied with her morning eBay transaction, Holly kissed her sleeping beast of a husband goodbye for the morning, put Suki in her basket between the handlebars of her bike, plugged in her iPOd and mounted her black and white Sting-Ray bicycle for her morning ride to the YWCA for her morning workout. As the endorphins began to flow, she assiduously listened to Rash Lindburger on her iPod expounding in his podcast about how Santa Clause had announced his retirement and that one of his computer-savvy elves was auctioning off Santa’s delivery route, eight tiny reindeer and ‘the list’ on eBay.

    “Usual Christmas commercialization” Holly commented to Suki as he enjoyed the breeze blowing through his whiskers.

    Continued next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 3

    On Christmas Eve in the magical land of Usa, Holly Roller awakened well before dawn. As always, she began her morning by kissing Suki, her Tri-colored cat. As always, Holly followed this with coffee, 10 miles on the ‘Virtual Alpine Skier’ at the YWCA and an exploration of eBay…in no particular order. A creature of habit, ritual dictated that she don her usual white sweat-shirt, emblazoned across the front with the logo ‘God Is My Copilot’, and her usual black sweat-pants. As usual, Holly complemented her attire with the black and white rosary her Aunt Jacque had given her last Christmas.

    “I think I’ll give a lesson about the value of charity in our morning religious class to our children” she mused.

    “Do you really think that Patrick and Brianna need religious instruction in home-school as well as at church?” murmured her husband, Joey.

    “Hey! We must clothe our children in the armor of Christian virtues every day” retorted Holly.
    “But its Christmas Eve and we are going to church this evening…can’t they just play and have fun for awhile…maybe we can get them some toys for Christmas this year…” Joey mumbled as he drifted back to dreamland.

    “Christian values can never by over-stressed…” affirmed Holly as she jogged to the kitchen to brew her morning coffee.

    With her cup of Starbuck’s Best in one hand, a bran muffin in the other, and Suki purring at her heels, Holly adjourned to her study to explore what was going on on eBay.

    “Logging on with her handle ‘Holy Roller’, Holly said “Well Suki, this ‘Christmas Special’ listing looks interesting…should we check it out?”

    Suki responded by jumping up onto Holly’s lap.

    Continued, next page
  • Nov 17 2013: Purple Bill, page 2

    “Hmmmm…..Here’s something titled ‘Christmas delivery route’….starting bid is $1.00…listed by someone using the handle ‘Elfin Kay’…five star rating…sounds like a lucrative investment opportunity…what the heck, I’ll take your expert business advice, Abby, and go ‘all-in’ with a $1.00 bid” cogitated Bill as Abby nibbled at one of his Ho-Ho’s.

    “What do you say, Abby, it says that by selecting this option, our bid will automatically increase over that of our competitors…should we go for it…there certainly won’t be too much action while we are out golfing this morning…we can follow-up on the auction when we get back from the golf course…”

    Abby begged for the other Ho-Ho, which Bill took as an affirmative answer – with a flourish he punched the ‘option’ icon activating the automatic bid.

    Satisfied with his morning eBay transaction, Bill kissed his sleeping beauty goodbye for the morning, tucked Abby under his arm, and slid into his purple golf cart for his morning drive to the golf course. While on the way, he absentmindedly listened to some drivel on the ‘Rockin the Morning’ radio show about how Santa Clause had announced his retirement and that one of his computer-savvy elves was auctioning off Santa’s delivery route, eight tiny reindeer, and ‘the list’ on eBay.

    “Usual Christmas hype….” Bill commented to Abby as she enjoyed the rush of wind flapping through her ears.

    To be Continued, next page