Yoka Feng


This conversation is closed.

What do you think of loving your enemy instead of hatred and taking a revenge?

After my long following up here,here comes my first thread.:)
Have you had any moments that you really felt furious at somebody who had violated your rights and hurt your feelings even people's life without being  punished?How did you react and under what circumstances will you choose to give up such animosity? Do you agree with "Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults"and "forgetting is the best way to forgiveness"?  Or do you think you should give them back tit for tat? What are the best ways to fight for your rights except for law sues?
I'm looking forward to your thought-provoking ideas on this because I think your ideas will  help me and other people more or less to better understand hatred and learn more skills about how to deal with it and react to it correctly, which could also possibly make us better understand the importance of love ~!Thank you in advance and wish you all a happy life without hatred~!

Closing Statement from Yoka Feng

First I'd like to extend my thanks to all the contributors to this thread. I've learned a lot from all of you~! Thank you~!
We talked about different kinds of relevant relationship when handling hatred. Let me summarize as follows:
1.Family relationship: Love is important. Just as colleen said."love the man...hate the behavior". But according to Kumiko’s example, it reminds us we still should protect ourselves from some family violence without unconditional love.

2.Customer relations: As edulover learner said, teachers shouldn’t embrace hatred when handling the provocations or troubles from the students. So should some people do when serving their customers.

3.Relations between different religions and cultures: As Jimmy and Juliette Zahn provided the talk,the big love is more important.

4.Business relationship:
1)between peer colleagues: According to different people’s different dispositions and experiences(like Fritzie saying), there’re different views in this part. I’d like to advise carlo’s and Harald’s opinions: Being strong and tough enough with some tactics when encountering the provocations and respond logically to avoid some bad emotional consequences. Neither love and hate your colleagues.
2)between you and your superior: As Jelena mentioned, this may be a good chance to challenge yourself to get good results. And sometimes it may stimulate your courage and potentials to fight for your rights.
3) If the corporation culture is bad enough to let you face endless provocations from problematic people all around, you should prepare yourself to leave it ASAP.

And the most powerful love is like carlo having mentioned: Use your love and tolerance to destroy the devil’s belief and let them kill themselves.

Mike Colera told us something very interesting about the different inclinations of hatred between the western culture and eastern culture. And I hope every part of the world could understand each other from the individuals in all kinds of fields.

  • Oct 20 2013: Hi Dear Yoka,in this world,I think I don't like to divide feeling into:loving,hating two sides.I love people when my heart tells me I like to.So far,I don't have hating to anyone.
    Maybe because of my job,I think for all young people:I love them.espeically for children,I love everyone of them,it doesn't matter their skin or nation,appearance,I think everyone of them is an angel in my eyes.For adults,I really can't say I love all... for some people,it seems there is a person once you talked to ...no more feeling.It sounds it is incredible to metion:love all,but totally we can accept...
    • thumb
      Oct 20 2013: Thank you for joining~!
      You made a good point that there shouldn't be any hatred in teaching children as a teacher. School is normally a much purer environment for people.
      • Oct 20 2013: oh,Dear Yoka,School children are all pure,but not purer environment tho at schools.LOL,because our society is originate from schools.Why the society is complex,Education should take big role to charge that...
        • thumb
          Oct 20 2013: “... but not purer environment tho at schools".What do you mean by this?Do you have any conflicts with your colleagues?How do you deal with them?

          So far I have worked in both big/small foreign companies and language schools as a teacher. I also have relatives working at school.I have a clear feeling of their difference. And I don't think our society originates from school but families.School belongs to education infrastructure that goes with the development of population like entertainment and medical care infrastructure. But thank you for your additional comment.:)
      • Oct 21 2013: Hi Dear Yoka,For things around I learn to observe but judge easily,for facts I must accept and respect...and I often find it is not easy to see the facts if you don't observe as much as you can.

        Thank you for your caring.I don't have any conflict from my colleagues.To be honesty t I met lots of conflicts among teaching job,society,colleague,life...when I was 20s and 30s...But they were one another disappearing a few years ago...I feel very content in my life:I got a meaningful job I like,I have a few very good friends,my farmily memebers love each other...

        Happy work for a new week.
        • thumb
          Oct 23 2013: Sometimes if you can't be in some place you can't see the truth and observe the facts. If you haven't done other jobs, you can't compare by yourself.Teachers definitely belong to society but according to its educational purpose, school is not such a complicated environment. Many business men also say they prefer to marry a girl teacher in education than to marry an office lady because teachers are purer and knowledgeable in mind.I'm happy that you don't seem to have some big conflicts in your life.I asked because I guessed if you had some good experience in conflicts solving that you'd like to share with me.
  • thumb
    Oct 19 2013: Hi Yoka :)

    Who is an enemy Yoka? Is the one who hates us? But we should also see the other side of it; don’t we hate him/her too? Aren’t we also an enemy for our enemy? If not, then why we consider him/her as our 'enemy' and if yes, then how would we be able to love my enemy?

    You asked - 'what are the best ways to fight?' At one side you want to love your enemy and the other side you want to fight! What kind of love is this? Do you want to love your enemy, just to conquer! Do you want to use love as a weapon against your enemy? Fighting, means going against of something. If life gives us options to choose one, we must always choose peaceful one.

    The very existence of an enemy is the proof that your heart wasn't having love for him/her in the past. That’s why your enemy is here. If you were not able to give your love in past (when enemy wasn’t), then how will you do this now! In such case, possibilities are you both will ditch each other again in the name of love.

    'Forgetting is the best way of forgiveness’
    Who forgives? Why one forgives other one? The only reason i can see that 'the someone' is guilty in forgiver eyes! It has been accepted in forgiver’s mind that someone is an offender, thus the seed of hatred is sown, otherwise where the need to act like a forgiver.

    One should be conscious of self enough to see when the seed of 'hate' starts sprouting inside. However, this isn't meaning that you can't start loving your enemies now, from today. It’s never late for something good. But Yoka, in my opinion, the idea of '...loving your enemy...' is a mistake. Because the focus is still on 'Enemy'. If you really want to love your enemy, in true sense, the thoughts like ‘I am loving my enemy’ or ‘I am a forgiver’ must root out first. This is right way. When we slap a child, child reacts, but no any hate or forgiveness emerges within child. And after some time, child starts playing with us again, as nothing was happened ... :)
    • thumb
      Oct 20 2013: Hi,manish~!:)

      Thank you for asking me what you don't understand in my thread which may help others as well. Here in my thread "enemy"means the people in your life who make your life difficult and unpleasant with some illegitimate purpose or by some ugly means.Sometimes you have to encounter them without leeway.

      And this is a debate with two possible standpoints on hatred: love instead of hating or take an eye for en eye.

      And you explain the cause of hatred in another interesting way: Because you didn't love the people enough, they became your enemy at last. You think they're offenders, but they don't think so, how do you prove you aren't wrong? So you made a good point on before hating people you should inspect yourself what you have done bad to them. On the other hand,this makes me think of that some provocative people always think others haven't done good enough to them and stand in their ways to some good opportunities. That's why they never stop provoking and think it's right for them to do so.

      However, I think your example of children being slapped could be under a little discussion. I think children's hatred is different from the adults’. They're growing their views of the world and sometimes more changeable in emotions. But if you always slap them without a legitimate or reasonable explanation and fail in communicating with them emotionally, I think the hatred may spread in their growth and when they grow up being powerful enough, they might do what you did to them to you.
      • thumb
        Oct 25 2013: Hi Yoka,
        You say..."Here in my thread "enemy "means the people in your life who make your life difficult and unpleasant with some illegitimate purpose or by some ugly means. Sometimes you have to encounter them without leeway."

        Why give another person the power to make your life difficult and unpleasant with illegitimate purpose, and ugly means? If we recognize an "illegitimate purpose" and "ugly means", that is a reflection of the person using those methods.....it really has nothing to do with us.....unless we make it about our "self".
        • thumb
          Oct 25 2013: Yes, you're right. We shouldn't give other person the power to make our life difficult and unpleasant with illegitimate purpose, we should have enough confidence and power like a mighty oak in the storm.Sometimes it's the bad corporation culture and the big climate that breed the problematic behaviors. In this case, we should enable ourselves with a healthier working environment by seeking working opportunities with other companies.

          Thank you for making the point clearer.:)
      • thumb
        Oct 25 2013: Always a pleasure to interact with you Yoka:>)
        There are many situations in the life experience, when people give away their power to make conscious choices for themselves.

        As you say...the corporation culture or climate may encourage problematic behaviors, and we CAN seek working opportunities elsewhere. AND/OR, we can explore deeper in our "self", to "enable ourselves with a healthier working environment". We are part of the corporation culture and climate, and we can accept it as it is.....or......we can make changes in ourselves that might encourage and support a better working environment? What do you think?
        • thumb
          Oct 25 2013: I have to say there's some darkness in society that you can't change by exploring yourself . But we can choose to fight against them or get out of the tangle with them. Thank you for your careful elaborations.:)
      • thumb
        Oct 25 2013: I wholeheartedly agree Yoka....there is some darkness in our world, and we cannot change it by ourselves. We cannot change anyone else.....we can only create change in ourselves. What I have discovered, however, is that sometimes these changes we create in ourselves are contagious....an idea worth spreading:>)

        I'd like to share a true story with you....about one of my experiences....
        Years ago, I volunteered to work in a women/children's shelter. The first day, I was answering the hotline all day, and the phone was right in the middle of the staff offices. Members of the staff seemed to carry a great deal of anger towards men, for the abuse they caused to the women and children. The anger seemed to permeate the space, and often manifest into arguments with each other.

        After the first day of observing this dynamic, I left with the idea that I was not going back.....it felt way too stressful....not the job and the victims of abuse and violence, but the STAFF!

        Well, I pondered for awhile....slept on it....and went back with one of my favorite mantras firmly planted in my mind and heart......if I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem.

        I brought my own energy with me, as I do wherever I go. It wasn't long before one of the staff members seemed a little more relaxed, and less angry.....then another one.....then another one....I was standing my ground in the middle of a storm, and as each person started to change a bit, it caused others to change as well.

        Within a few months, the dynamic of the office changed drastically, and I was offered a staff position, which I declined because I was retired, and wanted to stay retired! Anyway, there were other places for me to "BE". So, after two and a half years at the shelter, I started volunteering with the dept. of corrections, facilitating sessions with offenders of violence and abuse, and I stayed with that volunteer job for about 6 years.
    • thumb
      Oct 25 2013: Good point Manish.....who is the enemy? As soon as we label someone our "enemy", we then become his/her enemy, so in labeling someone else, we are also labeling ourselves.

      I also agree with your perception of forgiveness. In order to forgive, we would have blamed someone for something, or judged a person to be guilty of something.

      Hating, labeling a person the enemy, forgiveness, blame, judging, is all about US.....it has nothing to do with another person. It is what is going on in our "self".
  • thumb
    Oct 15 2013: HI,
    My favorite kind of conversation, no facts to interfere with emotional response.

    First, I have to admit even with my successful completion of a world religion undergraduate course, my knowledge of the eastern religions is limited.
    But as I remember, the golden rule came from the eastern philosophy.
    So, I guess forgiveness is an eastern tradition.

    Western religions are not quite that easy. Christianity, Judaism and Islam are based on scriptures telling of a wealthy farmer named Abraham. As this story goes there was God who revealed himself through visions to people. At first, the people believed that God was very demanding and there was an eye for and eye philosophy, I am not sure about hatred but revenge was practiced and the religion was mainly applied to the 12 tribes of Israel.
    About 2000 years ago, a Jewish Rabbi called Jesus, He taught forgiveness and humility opening the religion of the Jews to all mankind.
    500 years later, a man by the name of Mohammed said that he was visited by God and given a more detail instruction of worship and re-instituted a strong defense of God that could be construed to a hatred and revenge to those who did not believe in God.

    I am always amazed how one story could go three different ways.

    But, what do I think.... I am not sure about my feelings.
    First, I really don't have any enemies to hate...there are a few people I dislike and probably would go out of my way to avoid them, but no real hate.
    Then there is revenge. I know you will find this hard to believe but, even I have been victim of mean spirited pranks or relieved of property by those without care or consideration.
    Revenge. No, it's just to difficult to effect a satisfying revenge. But, if some misfortune befalls one of my tormentors, I would not be so unhappy.
    • thumb

      . .

      • +1
      Oct 16 2013: .....Your emotional response put a smile on my face:)
    • thumb
      Oct 16 2013: Thank you for your unique view of comment. The stories you told me are really instructive and interesting.I do agree with you that I also think the westen and the eastern have different kind of traditions on hatred. Forgiveness is more an estern tradition. I guess that's why Chinese people suffered more from intrusions. :(

      When I was young a long time ago, I saw a lot of western films about cowboys and their lives. What surprised and fascinated me was that when two men fell in love with one woman, they chose a face-to-face gun fight to settle the argument.This seldom happened as a tradition in China.

      And another interesting thing is although the western world seems to be less tolerant with disputes and hatred, in many coutries the death penalty has been abolished but in China we still have it. :)
  • Oct 28 2013: An old Irish saying goes like this, "Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastards name." I.e. the concept of active forgiveness with active resistance implies that one can be both ultimately forgiving but, if provoked into a stance of survival or prolonged intimidation, certain actions are deemed applicable- and are psychologically justified as such actions are now motivated by necessity rather than revenge.

    Regardless of your belief system the following event might be of some consequence:

    As the Romans seized Christ, the apostle Peter drew his sword and sliced off the ear of one of the Roman Guards. Christ turned to him and said the following, "Put your sword back in its place," Jesus said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?" (Matthew 26:52-26:54)

    What can be derived from this is, if there had not been the desire of a moral figure to martyr Himself, He, in fact, would have protected Himself having been accosted- out of a basic need to survive.
    • thumb
      Oct 29 2013: Thank you for your providing the meaningful story, I agree with you.
  • thumb
    Oct 23 2013: The goal should be to avoid making enemies in the first place. Then the question of whether you love or hate your enemy becomes meaningless.
    If for some reason you have an enemy, neither hate nor love are appropriate to deal with him, because both are emotional, hence irrational. most likely not solving your problem (the enemy).
    The right thing to do is to deal with your enemy based on logic, which will vary from case to case.
    • thumb
      Oct 23 2013: Thank you very much Harald~:)
      I feel thrilled and honored that you can contribute to my humble thread~
      I like your way of tackling the problem in a proactive and rational way, which is to say put yourself in an objective view of a spectator to avoid the urge of any bad emotional response. That's a critical knack of winning advantage in all business relationships.

      “Neither love nor hate, I think you really provided a practical and all-purpose solution to me. But I know it's very difficult for some emotional people to change their character. I think this is especially suitable for those introverts.

      Wish to see more of your savvy here in TED conversation~!:)
      • thumb
        Oct 23 2013: Hello Yoka, sure, emotions are here and we can't rid ourselves of them. At the end, emotions are part of what makes us human.
        However, we shouldn't become slaves of our emotions letting them influence our decisions.
        This is the theory, but I'm aware that this is easier said than done ;-)
        • thumb
          Oct 24 2013: Thank you~!:) I know the "from case to case " is also complicated to be detailed by words sometimes. I really want to be a apprentice of yours to learn more about how to defeat other's provocations. But it's impossible.

          Thank you very much, I'll try my luck to make it.
  • Oct 23 2013: The advice to love our enemies is great and very meaningful. More good gets done with love than with hate.
    People may approach us and look like enemies but the best way to protect ourself is to not give in to hate the person.
    If we do than there are two fires of hell, and that destroys twice as much.

    To love our enemies is to love the good in them. If we don't know them, let's at least assume they are not totally evil and may have made a misinterpretation of some sort that started it all. Lets see how we can help them to extinguish the fire.

    Another interpretation of 'enemies' may also be 'those that think differently than we do. Should religious people hate scientist? :) Or vice versa. Lets make this a better world, one enemy at the time.
    • thumb
      Oct 23 2013: Thank you Adriaan~!:)
      I agree with you loving our enemies is very great and need much courage and patience. But I don't think it's always meaningful. Some people won't be moved by your virtue when their soul has faded.In some business competitions, some people would choose to use immoral means to attain their goals. So we should watch for them and protect ourselves in a smarter way.

      I also agree to see good things in some provocative people and learn from them, but sometimes it doesn't depend on you to improve the relationship, it needs both party's effort.

      I think people shouldn't hate others if they have different ways of thinking and legitimate reason to explain. That's misunderstanding and can be wiped off through effective communication.

      Thank you for your comment again and I hope our world will be better and better with more love and no hatred~!:)
  • Comment deleted

    • thumb
      Oct 20 2013: Thank you Chris~!
      I agree with you that loving other people is for ourselves because we need a pleasant and long-run mutual-beneficial living environment.But to take an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth is also for protecting ourselves.It depends on the timings and situations,I think. If you can make a good example of upholding justice and your rights,that might influence more people to do the same thing,which possibly help to educate those provocative people to conduct well behaviors. This also could be interpreted to the love to these people and our society, right?:)

      And you know, sometimes people do believe "no evil thought or deed goes unpunished" but they do care they can see it in this life too. If you never react and protect yourself properly and have sacrificed from their back stabs, how can you see the victory in the end?

      I really thank you for your kindness and love to people and would like to advise you to watch for the bad people as well. Thank you indeed~!:)
      • Comment deleted

        • thumb
          Oct 20 2013: "If you look for the bad in people you will find it. If you look for the good in them, you will also find it. "
          A good quote.:)

          I think Ghandi's refers to the relations between nations and ethnics. And It's a pity that I can't hear his elaboration on this.

          :)))) We still can take an eye for an eye not for hating people but telling them what are the right things to do in specific situations.

          Thx & Peace out~! :)
  • thumb
    Oct 19 2013: children often exhibit 'temper tantrums' which can involve some pretty violent outburst both physical and verbal and even involve holding one's breath until reflexes force them to breath or other forms of self harm. hatred often involves long term self talk and thought involving anger along with other unrestrained negative emotions directed at some particular target.

    As an only child I usually got my way and displays of temper were ignored. But I was also the target of a lot of bullying as a youth and anger and hatred often simmered within me often with no safe form of release.

    What I have learned since is that all the anger and negative emotional stuff only harms me. It is all internal processing and, as such, has little to no effect upon those we deem culpable for those feelings. But those negative emotions can eat at my self-respect, my self-worth and most of all, the very relationships I value the most.

    Today I know my limits and do not allow stress into my life simply by recognizing its potential early and doing something immediately to either eliminate or at least to avoid it. This allows far more time and energy to deal with the other emotional things that can lead to being angry as well as the ability to see that the negative emotions that come from stress are diminishing my own sense of well being..

    Today I try to be in charge of my emotions and their expressions and, as such, acknowledge that no one "makes: me feel anything. That is to say, I still have negative experiences and negative emotions but I know that many of my negative emotional responses are simply the residue of my life experiences and that I do not have to give vent to them every time they come up.

    This then is where I find peace of mind and spirit.
    • thumb
      Oct 20 2013: Thank you william~!
      Thanks for your sharing your being bullied experience and providing a wonderful view on how to perspective ourselves in hatred rationally and possibly constraint it .

      You talk about the hatred in a life-length angle which can broaden people's view on life experiences. Life is a long journey ,I can't agree more with that if you think more about positive and happy side rather than the negative and unpleasant side in your life experiences , you can bring yourself more peace and satisfaction.

      You said" That is to say, I still have negative experiences and negative emotions but I know that many of my negative emotional responses are simply the residue of my life experiences and that I do not have to give vent to them every time they come up. "
      We have a famous saying in Chinese to describe a person embracing the highest mind status in life :“not pleased by external gains, not saddened by personnal losses”. I'd like to extend it to you for mutual-encouragement.
      Thank you~!
  • Oct 15 2013: Yoka,

    Usually, I forgive and forget and move on. If it is rape, murder, torture on my family, then it is a question of defending my family and that is something different.
    • thumb
      Oct 16 2013: Thank you my friend~, I can feel your kind heart and well-meaning comment. I also think if anyone commit crimes to my family, I can hardly forgive and forget them.
  • thumb
    Oct 15 2013: Hello Yoka:>)

    Loving, rather than hating is much more enjoyable. My mother always used to say about my father...."love the man...hate the behavior". He had some good qualities, and he was also violent and abusive. If we can separate the unacceptable behavior, we can sometimes extend love.

    Hateful, abusive behaviors are often learned behaviors, and in my humble perception, if there is a possibility to learn abusive behaviors, there is also the possibility to learn loving behaviors. Hate only hurts the one who is hating.

    As humans, we may feel hurt because of what someone does or says. If we use the "tit for tat" practice, we are repeating something that we say we don't like....right? What's the point in doing that to ourselves? What is the point in repeating a hurtful practice just because someone does that to us? Do we want to become like them? Or is it preferable to choose for ourselves how we want to speak and act?
    • thumb
      Oct 15 2013: Thank you Colleen for sharing your experience, I agree with you when hating someone you hurt yourself too. But what do you think of that if someone never take your tolerance as kindness or friendliness but weakness and continue to hurt you? How do you let them know you are not a pushover(especially in working environment)?Sometimes if you don't response to some bad behavior tit for tat ,will it be"Give him an inch and he will take a yard"?
      • thumb
        Oct 25 2013: Yoka,
        What do I think when someone doesn't take my tolerance as kindness or friendliness and they see it as a weakness?

        I think that is a choice, decision and judgment that person makes for him/herself. If a person perceives my kindness as a weakness, it gives me information about THAT person.

        I have found that when I am clear, consistent, dependable and reliable in working environments, my practices and demeanor reflect who and what I am, and how I behave. No one can take that away from me, and it is very difficult to undermine that with THEIR words and behaviors. In fact, when people do that, they simply make themselves look weak. It is a reflection of THEM.....not of me.

        To let people know that we are "not a pushover", we need to be clear with ourselves and "KNOW THYSELF"......stand like the mighty oak in the middle of a storm:>)

        Ask our "self".....what do I want the end result to be? Do I want to embrace the same practices as that other person (tit for tat)? Or do I want to behave as I choose....in a friendly, respectful, loving way?
  • Oct 28 2013: That's ok if your enemy isn't to dangerous. Otherwise I'd say you would be making yourself vunerable.
    Do you love someone who has a gun to your head? Not likely.
    • thumb
      Oct 29 2013: Long time no see~!
      I think I'm not a vunerable typle of person. But I'm with your opinion---made me think of your comment of the patriot throwing bomb .:)
  • thumb
    Oct 26 2013: Hello Yoka,
    Our "enemies" are a also lot closer to home than we sometimes think; I am talking here of negative emotional experiences - everything from mild irritation to full-blown rage, from feeling a little sad to overwhelming grief, from anxiousness to terror. And all of it is our own emotional property; they are part of us - but they are not us.
    That is why "Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults" makes perfect sense. Our negative experiences are bringing a message to us that something needs attention in our inner world.
    And when we embrace our fear, our irritation, our terror, our anger, when we fully accept them unconditionally as part of us, when we allow them to come up from the darkness within us to the light, then a door opens for them to be authenticated - and then to melt away.
    Here's a short poem I wrote, called "State of War"

    Of all the many states that engender war
    our own inner state is most responsible, for sure
    since that which is within is always projected out
    that’s why we always have wars, no doubt;
    so then, if we were all to cultivate inner peace …
    wars would cease.
    JFDB, 2010.
  • thumb
    Oct 25 2013: There is always the one who can have an impact on your rights. Everybody has superior, the one that can ruins your rights, ruins your peace,like in the quote "the force changes the law".

    I think that the best way to deal with this problem to do on your experience.

    If you have impression that superiors can disturb you, and destroying your rights, your respect, reactions on them will be more intensive, more emotional, so it will be irrational. It is known that the reactions under the emotional pressure are not reasonable, and they can make problem even more bigger.

    But if you are watching your superiors with the eyes of somebody, that their moves perceived as a challenge, then you can do anything without hate or anger. You will fight for your rights passionately, hardly, AND THEN you can wonder WHO IS SUPERIOR NOW?! It's not about rank, position, it's all about your perception. And, of course wish you happy life without hatred too :)
    • thumb
      Oct 25 2013: I agree Jelena....
      If we have the impression that someone can disturb us, our actions and reactions with that person may be more emotional, because perhaps we are afraid of the impact we imagine that person can have on us?

      It is a cycle.....we are afraid of the impact, so we are more anxious, which may cause more intensive emotion, which may create the results that we fear, which may cause us to dislike the other person, which makes the interaction seem like a bigger challenge......yes? Am I interpreting your comment correctly?

      I totally agree...it's not about rank or position.....it is all about our perception. Hate and revenge stems from fear.
      • thumb
        Oct 25 2013: Colleen,

        You understood me very well. You describe that cycle just the way I meant.

        Also,just came on my mind, another type of challange. I belive that if we change of attitude about enemies can make big move. If you expirience the attack of superior as a challange, it will make you feel stronger, and more aware of your weaknesses.

        And I also belive that all that superior-underling relation is based on low self esteem (feeling anxiously, or frozen when you are attacked, and being numb, with no reactions) or long-term society formed pattern of behavior between those levels.
        • thumb
          Oct 25 2013: I think I agree Jelena.....if I understand you correctly:>)

          Are you saying that if we experience the behavior of another person (superior) as an attack, it may cause us to feel weak at first, and if we see it as an opportunity to become more aware of our weaknesses, it could help us to feel emotionally stronger?
      • thumb
        Oct 25 2013: No, Colleen, :)

        Our experience of ruining our rights by superior, can be viewed in two ways.

        The first we had discussed in comments before.
        From the first type (with emotionally pressure, caused by attitude that superior can disturb you) you can view your weaknesses, cause they are manifesting during your emotionally reactions on superiors attack.

        And another type is that you experience superior, as equally to you (without emotionally pressure). You are changing your impression from the first type. You are both on same level in your head, so you believe that his attacking is chance (challenge) to prove that you are equal by fighting for your rights. That's why I said, "It's not about rank, position, it's all about your perception."

        I hope I made it just least a little clearly? :o)
        • thumb
          Oct 25 2013: Yes Jelena, I agreed with that in the previous comment....
          "I totally agree...it's not about rank or position.....it is all about our perception."

          In your next comment, you seem to introduce another idea...

          You write..."Also,just came on my mind, another type of challenge".

          This is the part that I am apparently not understanding.
      • thumb
        Oct 25 2013: Ok Colleen. It's my pleasure to have debate with you.

        When I said "it's not about rank and position" I connect it with an idea"that came on my mind" (but I didn't emphasize it then), so I explained in the last comment.

        About the last comment,

        I see chance to deal with conflicts no mater which level you are, if you are emotionally strenght and you have wish to success. I will give an example.

        Maria Montessori, pedagogue from Italy, wanted to study medicine, but in that time, studies of medicine science was prohibited for women. She was fighting so hard,and in that fight she even came to the ministry, and there, they were rude at start, but after hard fight for her rights, Maria Montessori was the first woman student of medicine in Italy. She was just one girl in Italy with big wish, and she realize it.

        That represents my second view how the rank and superiors can't stop you.
        • thumb
          Oct 25 2013: It is my pleasure as well Jelena......I enjoy connecting with you:>)

          OK.....I think I understand.....thanks for clarifying:>)
        • thumb
          Oct 26 2013: I resonate with your thoughts on this a lot. What you said is the power and the spirit of fighting for legitimate rights triggered off by the provocations from the superiors. So for this reason, we can also regard them as enlightening chances.

          Thank you for this meaningful point too.
      • thumb
        Oct 26 2013: Dear Colleen,

        I 'm very glad to see your warm debates here and appreciate your contribution to my thread very much.:)

        Only one thing I disagree with you:"…Hate and revenge stems from fear."
        I think mine is from integrity and justice.:)
        • thumb
          Oct 28 2013: Thank you for the kind feedback Yoka.....warm conversations are my preference:>)

          Revenge, according to definition, has an element which I do not agree with...
          "to inflict injury in return for...;to avenge by retaliating in kind or degree..."

          I do not agree with inflicting injury or retaliating in kind or degree.....that suggests "tit for tat". The idea is...if you do something to me, I will injure you with retaliation in kind...

          If we are operating from integrity and justice, do we want to injure and retaliate in kind? That is not ever my intent, and I think/feel that our intent is important. In my perception, injuring and retaliating in kind contributes to fear based behaviors.

          The story about Maria Montessori for example...."She was just one girl in Italy with big wish, and she realize it"...as Jelena wrote.

          She had a wish (intent), and she followed through to attain her goal, REGARDLESS of what some people told her, or how they perceived her.

          I had a similar experience when I challenged a toxic business. Some people said I just didn't like the people who owned it....I was lacking integrity....revengeful....my life was threatened, property damaged, etc.

          My intent, was to follow our local, state and federal environmental laws, which are in place to protect the environment and the people in it. Regardless of what some people said about me, or did to me, my goal was to stop the toxic abuse of our environment, and follow the rules that were in place to do so. I continued to respond to the owners of the toxic business with integrity and respect to them as fellow human beings.

          As they were revengeful and retaliating....stating untrue things in the local paper, and in public forums, damaging my home and property, etc., I continued to respond to them with respect for them as human beings.....while making it clear that I did not respect their behavior to have a toxic business in violation of environmental laws, nor did I respect their revenge and retaliation.
    • thumb
      Oct 26 2013: Thank you Jelena~!:)
      I'm with you that we should deal with some violations of our rights with our experience.
      And I think we can also listen to our friends' and family's experience to have the ball on our feet. That's my initiative purpose of starting this thread and I'm very glad you're ready to help me.:)

      You made a good point that if the provocations(I don't think it should be some kinds related to civil rights or sexual harassment)are from the SUPERIORS, then we should have a good thought and act rationally. Because maybe that's a good challenge for us to take to get more trust from the superiors and improve the relationship with them. Regardless of their position,they are just the same emotional people like us. I think you provided another good perspective in the business field. Thank you~!
  • thumb

    . .

    • +1
    Oct 24 2013: Hello Dear Yoka,
    This brilliant, amazing and extraordinary project is what a group can do:
    This is what an individual can do:
    • thumb
      Oct 24 2013: Thank you for the links. I'll check them out.
  • thumb
    Oct 23 2013: When I see Enemy, I Crack a Joke and we both become friends at least for sometime.

    I basically smile and it breaks the Glass.
    • thumb
      Oct 24 2013: Thank you Kuldeep~!
      I see your point that your sunny character seems to be able to melt your enemies' hostility successfully. I think this is a good way to avoid making enemies to some extent. I like your smile very much.
      But I have to say some skeptical people consider people who always come forward to speak to them with smiles as flatterer or a pushover. So sometimes it still can't stop some evil people from getting you into troubles if they find you are their potential powerful competitor.:)

      Anyway, I think your broad mind impressed me.Thank you.
      • thumb
        Oct 24 2013: Thank you Yoka for understanding.
  • thumb
    Oct 20 2013: I appreciate your encouragement and kind words :)
    • thumb
      Oct 21 2013: Every time I see your avatar, I feel it's funny. Is it a Mr.cock with two guns? :)
      Thank you for bringing some joy to me.:)))))
      • thumb
        Oct 21 2013: its a cartoon character from the 60's who was loud and opinionated :)

        I apologize for putting this in the main section, it was meant to be a reply only :)
        • thumb
          Oct 22 2013: That's cool, no problem. :)
  • thumb
    Oct 19 2013: It works way better, see related Talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/israel_and_iran_a_love_story.html
    • thumb
      Oct 20 2013: Thank you Jimmy for sharing that moving and meaningful video.
      Love can destroy the ethnic hatred rooted in the different religions. I do hope all the people will spread the speaker's proposal throughout the mutual-hostile people to bring them more peace and happiness.

      Thank you for your big love again. :)
  • Oct 18 2013: Hello, Ms. Yoka.

    My fathers once told me that his older sister was abused to die by her husband.
    So, I asked him why he didn't revenge.
    He said that he really wanted, but even if he did, his sister wouldn't come back.
    And he said a person had to be strong enough to overcome hatred.
    Otherwise, we cannot move forward or improve ourselves.

    Also, as long as I know, person who is violent tends to be miserable and unhappy.
    Therefore, whenever I was bullied in the school, I rather pitied them than hate.

    In my opinion, "love each other" is more natural action as human. (This is one evident.Just check "free hug")
    • thumb
      Oct 18 2013: 久美子さん:
      I agree with you that hate can't change the existing result and can destroy your freedom and happiness constantly. Regarding your relative example, I think it is a pity that your aunt didn't succeed in reacting to the hatred from her husband and passed away.I think if she could have loved herself more and reacted more effectively to his husband's hatred, that might have been different. But I admire your kindness and I agree hatred shouldn't be the main melody in our life, sometimes we should forgive some people in some situations and let bygones be bygones.

      • Oct 18 2013: It is true, she should have just left there..
        I think you do know more about love and importance.
        You can spread your love and peace to many people around you.

        I am the one who need to appreciate you. 謝謝。
        Also, your Japanese are awesome!
        • thumb
          Oct 18 2013: いいえ、とんでもないです。I'm flattered. Thank you.
  • thumb
    Oct 17 2013: the first thought that came to mind... it's all mind games
    on a bad day, i would blow up... on really very bad it just happens to the first person to say or do the "wrong thing"

    i do not work in an office (smiley face) but should i relate my working environment to an office, it would be hilarious - the only difference being i can get law enforcement - this is how i outmaneuver provocations at work.

    situation depending: talk in a threatening belittling manner and let them know they will be a casualty of their own doing, be humorous about questioning their stupidity and let them know it.

    most importantly do not take my advice as i am confrontational and unapproachable - this comes with experience

    when you a young sapling you easily bend in the wind, when you become a tree with roots planted firmly in the ground you do not sway that easily...

    -(there is always a wind that could break a few branches or uproot you)-

    keep the peace
    • thumb
      Oct 18 2013: Thank you so much ~~!!! I like them~!
      I will keep them in mind and apply ~. :)
  • W T

    • +1
    Oct 17 2013: Love is very powerful Yoka.......perhaps loving our enemies might give us a whole new set of friends. :)
    • thumb
      Oct 17 2013: Yes, Mary. I agree with you on "might". Thank you~:)
      • W T

        • +1
        Oct 17 2013: And also on "perhaps"............right?

        It is hard to get along with everybody. We are so imperfect Yoka.....so so so imperfect.
        • thumb
          Oct 18 2013: Yes, we needn't get along with everybody yet we need the feeling of being respected. :)
    • thumb
      Oct 17 2013: Dear Mary, what do you think of "frenemy"?
      • W T

        • 0
        Oct 17 2013: Frenemies......hmm

        What is your definition of a frenemy?
        • thumb
          Oct 18 2013: I'd like to listen all ears to your point of view.:Your understanding of the word and its connotation and what do you think of an enemy like this.
      • W T

        • 0
        Oct 19 2013: I would imagine that frenemies are people you love to hate, or people you hate to love.....

        I do not like the concept.

        Friendship is very special. Why settle for second best?
        • thumb
          Oct 20 2013: Mary~:)! I forgot to reply to you, sorry~!
          I can see you don't like the concept of frenemy because you have a kind heart ,you never take people's kindness as false masks.

          Thank your for sharing, hope I didn't make you disgruntled at answering it.:))))
      • W T

        • 0
        Oct 20 2013: I do not like the concept of frenemies......but I do know that it exists.
        Moreover I am well aware of people with false masks around me.

        But I am not a wearer of false masks. I am who I am.....and I try to say what I mean, and mean what I say.

        I hate hypocrisy and superficial friendships.....friendships that are only to gain something.
        I prefer to have one valuable true friend, than 100 of frenemies.
        • thumb
          Oct 21 2013: I hear you, Mary~! I didn't mean to doubt your ability of discerning between friends and enemies. I like people speaking in a straightforward way. Yes, you are who you are. I like it~!:)
  • thumb
    Oct 16 2013: i have never felt so bad, unworthy and undeserving in my life when i was truly forgiven. the subject was never brought up and i felt sick to my stomach as a person.

    therefore i always try to practise that same forgiveness...

    it is really not that easy and then i wish i had, then i'm grateful i did not.... and then i would scheme a plot and try clear the idea from my thoughts
    i remind myself i have better things to do

    when it comes family & business: i do not forgive & i don't forget if they are harmed by others or a negative influence and avoid them
    • thumb
      Oct 17 2013: Thank you very much for another angle on this matter. VERY IMPRESSIVE~!:)
      Your comment has reminded me of some story about an evildoer who wants to stir up his target people's hatred and kill them because his failth of being powerful and controling the world, but those kind people won the battle against him and still chose to forgive and release him in the end becuase they are kind and powerful enough. And this forgiveness fell ouside the expectation of the evildoer's that he wanted to be an powerful man without a little mercy or sympathy from others until death. He prefers to be executed death by his enemy than to be sympathized. This defeated him completely on mental and he committed a suicide at last, which is to say love and tolerance can also kill evils in another way.

      And you said that in business you wouldn't choose to forgive, that sounds a little different from some other commets here, but I also have this thought and want to know how to react exactly and properly to protect myself and outmaneuver some provocations at work.
  • thumb
    Oct 15 2013: have you really been lurking, yoka, i think lurking means you read a lot of stuff but don't comment. But you've been commenting, haven't you?
    • thumb
      Oct 16 2013: Thank you for pointing it out. I mean I was only a follow-up before I started my thread.
  • thumb
    Oct 15 2013: I have read that the dispositions to hatred and anger are part of personality, which is to say that they are foreign or rare in some people and strong and extreme in others. Just as those of us who do not suffer from clinical depression cannot understand what those who do are feeling and their compulsions, those of us who are not predisposed at all to hatred may have difficulty understanding how the situation you describe feels to someone "wired" differently.

    For someone who is not naturally inclined to feel hatred, acting with hate as a form of retaliation doesn't make sense. Why should one become something one is not, just to reflect back to someone? It would lack authenticity and integrity. Such action would feel alien in addition to not making rational sense.

    As I wrote above, though, we have all known people who seem to be addicted to the thrill of attack and hurting others, are quick to feel offended even where no offense was meant, and rush in to hurt at the least provocation. But I don't think we can all naturally understand that or address it productively. Thus many of us avoid such people.

    At schools we have a small number of 'special education" students whose diagnosed disability is in the area of anger. I do not know the specific training their teachers receive, but serving such kids well requires such special certification. Every teacher, in contrast, is trained to deal with the normal range of behavior issues.
    • thumb
      Oct 16 2013: Thank you Fritzie~! What you said about dispositon truly fits my situation. I'm a person who is difficult to be angry and hate people because when I get angry or quarrel furiously with other people, I usually feel a pain in my back. So usually I'm apt to avoid some attacks and bear other's provocation.But this might let other people think I'm a pushover and a chicken. I don't like that feeling either and sometimes you can't avoid their provocations because you're in one team or company.

      On the contrary,some people they enjoy stirring up strife or making troubles to other people because they aspire to the feeling of power and control. Some of them are born to get angry and aggressive easily,but others take the advange of it as a knack to plunder some good chances that should belong to others in their life.I think those people should also be ecucated like the children at schools you mentioned.
  • Da Way

    • +1
    Oct 15 2013: Just off the top of my head, trying to list the advantages of each:

    Loving enemy:
    -opportunity to turn that enemy into friend/ally. i.e. lower their hatred towards you.
    -holding less negative emotion in yourself will make you a happier and healthier person.
    -if you see things from their perspective, you may realise it was a misunderstanding and dissolve your own hatred.

    Hating enemy:
    -by eliminating enemy you eliminate future threat
    -you set an example for others not to mess with you
    -you do it for your loved ones (e.g. your father hated pirates, he was killed by pirates, so you hate pirates and kill them to avenge your father)
    • thumb
      Oct 16 2013: Thanks for your inspirational analysis Da Way~!
      I hope to see more about it if you come up with later. I'd like to ask a quesition about real feelings on the last point: If your father was killed by the pirate and you hated him becuase of your father, you finally managed to break in to his area with your fighters and caught him, then the pirate told you he didn't want to kill your father and asked you to forgive him and let him work for you , will you believe him and give him another chance for remission or kill him for your father?
      • Da Way

        • +1
        Oct 17 2013: if i had the option i would prob imprison the pirate under my control. otherwise i'd be worried that he would be worried about my revenge and kill me first. If he is contained then neither of us have to worry about the potential threat.
        • thumb
          Oct 17 2013: Interesting, you treat him like a pet.:)
          I'm kidding, thanks for your answer.
  • thumb
    Oct 15 2013: just a notice without mind it bad plz ,loving your enemy it's a bit hard to say for someone you love ,might be loving your species ,or loving yourself for time was past or will coming ,or just loving someone....
  • thumb
    Oct 20 2013: Since two people mentioned children, I remembered the day before yesterday I saw an interesting video about the American kids talking about the political affairs in a talk show. When the lovely kids were asked the question on how to solve the problem of debts to China, one child said he would suggest kill all the Chinese people.:)


    I know they're just kids and probably not serious about what they are saying. But this still astonished me because it somewhat makes me feel some misunderstanding or hatred in US children's sub-consciousness towards Chinese people . And I perceived some violent inclination in US children too. I think Chinese kids won't have the ideas to kill American.Do American kids dislike Chinese?

    As effective communications can change our life for the better.I'd like to share it with you and listen to your opinions on this if possible.
    Thank you and wish you all a beautiful Sunday~!:)
    • Comment deleted

      • W T

        • 0
        Oct 20 2013: Oh my goodness.....I just watched the linked video, and I too was appalled by the insensitivity of it all.....

        BUT.....and this is a BIG BUT........look at the table......candy and juice......those kids were on a SUGAR HIGH........and speaking nonsense.

        Jimmy Kimmel should be ashamed of himself.........he even put a little Asian girl on there.

        I NEVER watch Jimmy Kimmel....or any other comedian on late night shows.

        Sad, very sad.

        Mrackobam should also take umbrage :/
        • Oct 21 2013: Hi Dear Mary M.It is nothing matter about children.I think we can observe it more and think more,to some extent,we should be aware of what America educaiton should pay attention to.

          Do your remember the film:to live?one of things in the movie impressed me a lot:the host's father signatured his son's gambling debt then said:It is god's word to pay your debt(欠债还钱,这是天经地义的事).Even the whole family became homeless.It is one of Chinese virtues from history.
      • thumb
        Oct 21 2013: Thanks for your comment.I like the atmosphere of the skit hosted by the comedian and it's truely partly showed me what American kids think of this quetion. The kids are very lovely ,I like them very much. :)
        I'm very glad to hear that it's just the kid's misunderstanding of the word "kill". And your words have offloaded my worries about the bad impression on Chinese among American people. I hope these kids could be friends of our Chinese kids, which will be very helpful for the future of our countries and people.

        Thank you for your clarification~!:)
        • W T

          • 0
          Oct 21 2013: There are many racist people on this earth. And sadly parents who demonstrate hateful talk around their children "TEACH" hate..........when that little boy said kill them in the video you linked.....I did not hear a little boys voice. I heard his father, and his grandfather.

          Children normally do not speak that way. I have taught for many years and in different countries and in many neighborhoods.....and I have often seen children reflect their parents personality. That is why in this country, many schools and teachers make it a point to teach love of neighbor, and to embrace people who are different.

          But schooling is temporary........the child goes back home each day and is surrounded by their first teacher.......their parents.

          Fortunately, the internet brings the world to our living room.........so, hopefully children who love their fellow humans may turn out to reject any prejudices that their parents might have inadvertently taught them through conversations or actions....

          I wish I could show you a video I found of upper grade students involved in a presentation on this very issue of hating others........but it is on youtube......If I find something worthy of sharing that involves children I will post it here.
    • W T

      • +1
      Oct 20 2013: Yoka......how terrible you saw this insensitive skit from a comedian who did something in very bad taste.

      If it is any comfort to you, please know that many people in the US do not watch his program, and as Chris stated, children in America as a whole do not dislike other nationalities.

      It was foolish talk from foolish children all sugared up with sweets and the thrill of being on television.

      They even made fun of the US President's name. So that tells you they were plain silly.
      • thumb
        Oct 21 2013: Dear Mary~ It's ok~:) Thank you~!

        I knew it's a little sensitive to bring this topic here to discuss. I just wanted to get some information about how American people think of Chinese people.I'm gratitude to your attitude towards the kid's proposals and thinking ways of killing. But I think the compere was good, he didn't encourage the kids to say anything bad and he showed his stand by stopping the kids from the further discussion.:)
        I actually like the facticity of the video,at least it showed there's no one behind the stage to teach the kids to say what they should say. This is very improtant. This is called democracy and freedom~.

        And based on your comment and Chris', I'm glad to know American people hold a friendly point of view on Chinese. So I'd like to ask you all to pass on your thinkings to your kids, and make our friendship live forever~! Chinese won't be your threat~, we are nonviolent and friendly people.:)

        Thank you ~:)
      • thumb
        Oct 22 2013: Thank you Mary~. I agree with you. Looking forward to that video!:)
      • thumb
        Oct 25 2013: Mary~ want to share a piece of good news with you and others.
        It's just reported by the evening news that the video had been deleted by the TV bureau because Chinese people wrote a petition to the White House.
      • thumb
        Oct 26 2013: Thank you so much~!
        I'm happy to see the second linked news and proud of our people. I also want to show my thanks to those foreigns signing on the petition to have contributed to the justice and peace in the world. That's the exciting world power from global.That's why I didn't concern about that the money wouldn't be paid to us.

        And in the future no country could dominate or bully others ,as opposed to which we have to cooperate closely with each other instead of confrontation. Based on this fact, I think American government should realize that Chinese couldn't be a threat to them in the future as well. This is a good example.

        And I wish all the people could follow the spirit of just like this~. Then our world will be better and better.I think this is "the idea worth spreading"!

        Thank you again, dear Mary~:)))
  • thumb
    Oct 15 2013: for you too thanks ,i think the question of rights and the perfect punishment for who touch it ,for example if someone did something wrong and you thought the forgiveness it's the best reply to it ,i think the best way for you'll be sure about your decision ,is to making yourself at the place of this person who was hurted ,so it depends the damage caused and same with your wrongness see how peoples look to you with your did if it was wrong with them,like you're at them place for you can know how much your damage need the love or the punishment ,is what you deserve more,from it we take an example if you allowing me about who take a life(kill) ,if we see ourselves killed without any right from the killer ,we can feel the person was killed when we imagine the scene and the killer how much he was bad ,i think the best punishment for this person to save the right of the person was killed without right,to take the life of this bad person to wash him or her from the kill of innocent like an honour to this killer for giving his life like he taked anothers...but if we can be tolerant with less hurt like insults for another example it's give a chance to this human to change for good ,like the tolerance teach him the satisfaction with protect the rights not destroying it like everyone is in need of a chance to prove itself sometimes in our lives...so it depends the damage ,and most the damage is perfect the most the punishment must honoring this damage...well i need water now :)
  • thumb
    Oct 15 2013: As usual, it depends on the situation.

    Yet in any case, it got to be MY enemy for me to decide on what to do.
    • thumb
      Oct 15 2013: Thank you ~:))))))), you brought a good start.

      I'd like to ask people to elaborate all kinds of relevant experiences that they've had in their life and their comprehension of hatred and tolerance.

      Have you hated any body in your life? Why? And how did you deal with it? Can you love your enemy who hurt you a lot?

      I want to hear about everything about hatred in your life, including the experiences of being hated by other people due to what reason.... but excluding political factors,I think.:)
      • thumb

        Lejan .

        • +1
        Oct 15 2013: The origin of hate is impulsive in its nature and when it stays, it has not been reflected or is a result of it.

        There have been situations in my live in which I felt hate and up to this day it has proven helpful not to react on my first initial response to it, which doesn't exclude situation in which I would.

        If someone would try to kill me I would certainly follow my triggered hate impulse to save my live and I would certainly not love this person if he/she continues to try to kill me. Weather I flee or fight back, depends on the situation.

        In less drastic situations, my response to hate is avoidance, as anything else would only be a continuation in vicious circles.

        Yet avoidance is also a clear signal and its ignorance a clear statement of intentions.

        If someone hurts me emotionally by intention, I do not respond in the same manner. I suppress my initial hatred and cool it down. And if reasoning as well as talking does not return a reasonable or understandable cause of this intention, this 'someone' will not be part of my life any longer.

        If this avoidance is not respected and broken, there will be three warnings. And what ever happens from there, depends again on the situation.

        I do not believe in the concept to 'Love your enemies', as it only invites idiots not to reflect on their behavior which usually perpetuates the same.

        Also I do not shy conflicts, yet in those I need to be as 'cold-blooded' as possible to keep my mind clear and focused on facts and helpful instincts, to which 'hate' doesn't count to me.

        But I do accept the concept of personal revenge, yet those is reserved to me to severe criminal acts only.
        • thumb
          Oct 15 2013: Thank you~!I see your points mainly based on avoidance,right?

          "I do not believe in the concept to 'Love your enemies', as it only invites idiots not to reflect on their behavior which usually perpetuates the same."
          Don't you think love can reform your enemy (an evildoer) into a good person?
      • thumb

        Lejan .

        • +2
        Oct 15 2013: 'Don't you think love can reform your enemy (an evildoer) into a good person?'

        Maybe it can, yet what if it doesn't?

        My 'active love' is not to become anyones enemy myself. I live by the 'Golden rule', which means I don't do anything to someone I wouldn't like them to do to me.

        My 'active love' also takes place in 'avoidance', as it gives the other side the chance not to proceed.

        My 'active love', if there is time, also goes through the escalation process of 'warnings' to leave me alone.

        And if all of this 'active love' didn't help so far, it is likely that the continuation of love would fail as well which would only transform me to a victim of 'his/hers/their' and my stupidity.
        • W T

          • 0
          Oct 17 2013: I really like how you broke down your "active love"...........

          The second point. "Avoidance"..........appears to be a recurring word on this thread.

          I think many individuals practice this technique in life.
        • thumb
          Oct 17 2013: Hi,Lejan, your "active love" is another reasonabe interpretion of love. But have you ever encountered some situations that you can't avoid because of some good opportunities at work or the consequences of misunderstanding from others?
      • thumb

        Lejan .

        • +1
        Oct 17 2013: Misunderstanding from others has never been a problem so far, because part of every stage I described is communication which, if it doesn't happen 'naturally', is initiated by my side.

        Reason for this is, that I can not work within a non-cooperative and unfriendly environment in close range because I am not willing to spent most of my time awake at a place, which isn't pleasant.

        Any situation can be avoided at the work place, the only thing needed is consequence.

        The best payed job I ever had, enabled me to live a complete different lifestyle than ever before. Quite comfortable indeed and beautiful colleagues all around me. Yet this didn't last very long due to re-organization of the whole company by which my department was changed as well. My job stayed the same and so did my salary, yet my surrounding changed for a worse. From there I spend exactly one year to form a new and positive team-spirit, which failed, so consequently, I quit.

        I can only act in accordance to my values and morals which includes partially unpopular decisions.

        There always are alternatives, maybe not as well payed ones, yet alternatives!
        • thumb
          Oct 18 2013: Thank you Lejan~
          I deeply understand the situation you described. It resonates with mine this time. What you experienced and reacted was what I used to experience similarly. And I'm happy I'm now at the job comfortable indeed and with kind colleagues around me. But I sometimes think of my past experiences. If I could have had any other better solutions to those unpleasant provocations.
          And you know in some country, changing job frequently could be disliked and avoided, so is in some companies. Thus with my age going up, I think if I can be a little tougher in tactics, maybe I could gain more initiative and safety in my job career as well as in my life.

          Thank you for the words from the bottom of your heart. You are truly warmhearted and kind.:)
        • thumb
          Oct 18 2013: And you made a good point that in business situations corporation culture can influence people's react to hated.
      • thumb
        Oct 18 2013: We are doing good, Yoka, it only took us three month to find our first resonance frequency! :o)

        I am looking forward for more to find in the future!
        • thumb
          Oct 18 2013: hehehehe..... 3 months? I think I've known you for about 1month.:)

          Thank you~ I do hope so too.:)
  • thumb
    Oct 15 2013: I hope everyone here could think "out of box" and be a little aggressive when contributing to this DEBATE. Thank you~~!
    • thumb
      Oct 15 2013: Dear Yoka,
      Which box would you like us to think outside of??? LOL:>)

      I just could not resist:>)
      • thumb
        Oct 15 2013: hehehehe.......my thread description box.

        Every special idea is appreciated.:)