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ADHD or not, diagnosis is not where the problem should begin to be treated.

I was diagnosed with ADD four months ago and this is in my late teens.

Now in the middle of college, I finally understand responsibility. This sudden jump still scares and depresses me. Now I require a change in all manners, academics, personal goals, habits. I still have difficulty learning through reading and listening. Maybe 30 min on a few pages of an uninteresting book. But I have no problem reasoning on my own (probably my best hyper focus) and multi-tasking on a job. In fact, if someone doesn't remind me to stop working, I won't and put myself in harm's way.

This whole time, I had no parental support (Asian parents stereotypes are true in a way) and was left with a conditioning of always being obedient to others. They even prevented me from trying to see a psychiatrist pre-18.

For me, a whole life had gone by that I didn't understand. And I realize how many kids "live in the moment" and fail to recognize the severities of their futures. Shouldn't it be apparent that suicide is a leading cause of death in adolescents? It's even more difficult for ADHD people. It's not a diagnosis or medication that they need, it's a change in lifestyle, especially in parenting.

This is not targeted to Asian parents only. Way too many kids are given freedom of their own accord. Almost all teachers post HW online now and the students are left to control their addictions to themselves which WILL result in their failure.

Case 1: A close cousin. Oblivious to social understandings and has a temper. Doesn't do work and is hooked on video games.
Parents yell at him and he can't talk back.
Case 2: A cousin that is hyperactive around friends. Competitive and arrogant. Parents love him too much to discipline him.

These are two different ends on the spectrum of bad parenting. Adults need to learn that they are guiding the next generation. Parenting is not about spoiling or providing needs, it is to make life easy. Connecting with the thing that you brought into this world, easy.

  • Oct 16 2013: Justin, a final word.

    You appear to be an honest young man with hope for a great future.
    I wish you success as you climb your mountains to your future.

    Your mind will grow as you do. You will develop your personality through
    positive reinforcements of your actions. Parents since you were 12 or 13
    have lost their effect on directing you. That is normal. You need not judge
    nor blame them for their actions or inactions towards yourself.

    Always another story... I am so filled with them.
    At one point in my life I became irate with my mother and her choices, and
    her constant judgments of my actions. I spent 2 years without speaking to her.
    We became re-united after I got into trouble and needed her assistance to find
    my father, who had been absent from my life for 15 years. She contacted him,
    and he came to my aid, completely.

    From that day forward, I understood. Everyone has a life to live. A life with their
    own problems to solve. That parents make decisions concerning each other that
    do not anticipate the future feelings of their children. They have no crystal ball.

    My realism of the end of 15 years without a father, and still without any contact,
    put the onus upon my shoulders to initiate the first step. I wish with all my heart
    that I had taken that first step. It was to be many years before he took that first
    step and I met his second wife and my step brother and two step sisters.
    He was 69 years old, and moved to near my home. Bitter-sweet are my memories,
    as I had him for only 6 months.
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    Oct 11 2013: Parents have different philosophies of parenting, some personal and some connected to culture and community. In some communities parenting functions extend beyond the parent to other relatives, religious and cultural institutions, and schools.

    I don't know of many cases in which kids have changed their parents' ways of parenting, but there are many cases in which kids have learned to look to additional adults for guidance. For you at maybe twenty years old, you have that chance now at college. You also have a chance to be another source of guidance to young people you love.

    Parents typically understand they are guiding the next generation. Some parents seek advice from others in child-rearing or from the family doctor and others do not because they believe their judgment is the best for their children, regardless of what others may think.

    There is also a possibility that you have not been paying attention to the guidance your parents have been trying all this time to provide to you. How have you responded when they have tried to encourage you to be more disciplined about something, for example?

    Many parents raise their children quite differently than their parents did. You will have that opportunity.
    • Oct 11 2013: Thanks for bringing this up. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that culture is the main reason for parenting stereotypes. But i think it is also an excuse to continue the same things so your kids can pass down the same things.
      Amazingly this year, i was lucky enough to get 3 big siblings figures + my biological older sister to guide me a lot through my frustrations. And then i realize, its not about luck. I put myself in the position to look for them. So if other kids dont start looking for what they want, that becomes a problem. I have tried talking to my little sister and my cousin, but they are so uncomfortable, even annoyed, with conversing about life.
      We have to get out of the culture of saying things out of love and start doing them. I am an innovator, so i do not believe that bad family relationships should go into the vicious cycle of rebellion or obedience. Its like saying, "you were born to me, now let me dig your grave because of culture and my personal experiences."
      If anything my parents have taught me, its to not be like them (yet im still hopeful as ever that they should change). You spend maybe 1/4 or 1/5 of your life with these bonds and you want to make each other miserable in short bursts? I want to teach them so much, how to not be cynical, be streetsmart and not streetscared and gossip less. They still have a whole life ahead of them. In terms of discipline, i already stated that i am obedient. Their suggestions hit my subconscious and it becomes who i am.
      Thanks for the last sentence! Its just something ive always wanted to try and i will have the opportunity.

      Personal thoughts and experiences are the only place i can draw from. This is not about me! I can understand this wide field of the family dynamic. This is about the next generation and how we can approach a healthier understanding of child-adult relationship, especially in the ones with mental handicaps/gifts, before it becomes another depressive narrative.
  • Oct 11 2013: Justin Ng
    Nice to see you bring out a topic about growing up.
    (Of course, I don't believe you would identify it as such.)

    I am old, been there and done that. Seen it all, and a bit more.
    I had all the above. Couldn't concentrate, obsessive behaviors, etc.
    I never did any Drugs. When I was young they were not around.
    Drugs are a Feel Good culture. A culture of very stupid people.

    When I was your age, I decided to "Step Over" the people who
    didn't have a lick of sense. Today I do the same. It works for me.

    You will continue to despise your parents until you reach about 35.
    Then you will understand.

    Having a brain on your shoulders, does not mean you can think.
    It only means you can think you can think. Think about that.

    Being older is better, until you get there.

    Lots of luck.
    The simple fact you wrote as you did, puts you
    into a category above your peers.
    Keep climbing.
    • Oct 11 2013: I have always admired elders for what they stood for. And you are 3/4s of a century old. I wish for any form i put this in that it doesnt come out sounding like teenage angst.
      My point for this is to not criticize the culture of stupid people (which i believe is not stupid but ignorant), young or old. Handling a problem can be solved faster with drugs. ADHD might be chronic but you dont necessarily have to take drugs for the rest of your life. Its a mix of behavioral changes and achieving where you want to be. Adults make it so much harder when you cant speak to them about life problems. I try to put things in the least consequential way possible because ive been taught to do that. The adults around me are all telling me the same thing, everyone has had these problems, youre fine, just be happy. But no, whatever technique this is of connecting with a child is superficial to the max.
      This is not about despising my parents, if theyve lost the ability to even listen or compromise with a problem or come up with a solution.
      And it is not about changing perspectives either, that they dont know how to deal with mental health or im just too sensitive to everything.
      Adults are so certain that you will identify and understand in the middle ages. I dont know if i will, but as long as i am myself, i will certainly believe that these destined family relationship cycles can't continue into the future.
      This is a new age and traditional bonds are falling apart.
      If youre just telling the next generation your lifes stories, the goal should be to teach a lesson and not replicate an experience (maybe an unpleasant one). Where are the new ideas to come from? Your response is a perfect example of just that.
      This is all stuff that i came up on my own as well which is why reasoning is kind of my hyperfocus.

      Still, thanks for commenting first with your hardy spirit.
      • Oct 12 2013: Justin Ng, Great response, thank you.

        Sensitivity is fine. Depression is Okay. Obsession needs control.
        Lawyers have a saying. "Arguments have two sides."
        They never destroy evidence, even that detrimental to their case.
        My Grandmother used to make a switch from an oleander bush.
        She held me and switched me between the back of my knee and
        my ankle. It stung like hell. She also woke me every morning at
        5am so I could go do my paper route deliveries. She was a hard
        woman and critical to the max. I love her still, my Grandmother.
        Justin Ng, Sometimes the perspective is important.
        ADHD is a fairly new disease, Over the years it has been seasoned,
        and gotten it's many followers. Everyone involved, has published,
        and once it was accepted as a norm, it became gospel. The
        basics agreed upon, and that premise used for enhancements.
        In the late 1960's Corporate Health Insurers still excluded mental
        illness and their shrinks, and also chiropractic services, with their
        40 visit minimums, the back-popping massages, and vitamin sales.
        People today never wonder about why that was so. It is in the past.
        It has long since been forgotten.

        Back then, Corporate Health Insurers knew from bad experiences
        to stay far away. Mental disease had it's own "Shrinks for the Affluent."
        but found a nitch market in Welfare beneficiaries. After few years of
        congressional lobby, laws were changed to accommodate.
        All that was needed was new labels and some drugs.
        Government paid for everything with grants and student loans.
        Historically, Back in the day, snake-oil salesmen were a dime a dozen.
        If you could bottle it, stick a label on it, and tell a believable tale, you could
        sell it. Snake-oil salesmen made big bucks.
        My 4th Grade report card. "He Procrastinates"
        My 5th Grade report card "He can't seem to pay attention"
        I survived.

        I hope some of it make sense to you.
        • Oct 15 2013: It does, it does.
          That second line, wow. That is a great and powerful observation.
          I am obsessive over this topic and it is quite distracting but I also see it can be applied to the field of mental health as well. I believe there is a talk on "over diagnosis" that I still have yet to watch.
          For attention different people, life is more difficult if people don't guide you. Of course there is a boundary between laziness, addiction, stupidity, etc.. Yesterday, at a restaurant, I saw two kids slapping each other repeatedly for no reason. No parental supervision. The youth is left to control culture by themselves. Sex, violence, and anger...way too much in there.
          I've seen the talk on the autistic leader of a company and more talks on people with ADHD. It is simply amazing how you can compact something you can't understand and be happy with it. They have something in common. A strong support. Like your grandmother (and mostly their mother figures too).
          If only every child had that connection, but that is near impossible for every single one. As we approach this future, I can only hope that we take a step back to look at the time when these medications never existed (much like plastic water bottles).
          I can survive and I will. I can guide other younglings and I will. And if I can convince the parents lacking parental skills, I will.
          Many thanks Mr. Barry.