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Joseph Burdi

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What is it about asking for help that makes people less willing to ask? Is it easier to just put what you need rather than request it?

It seems that so many people in our world are adverse to the idea of asking for help or what they need. Why is it that people seem to hate to request things? Why do we feel shame, disgust, hatred when we rely on others?

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    Oct 4 2013: Humans are fragile. We yearn to love and be loved. Asking for help makes us [feel] vulnerable, incompetent and needy all which makes us feel unlovable. Ironically it is all in our own heads.Thanks in part to a society built on independence. Ironically if we endeavored to lend a hand, with no agenda, to others we would feel less distress in asking for help ourselves simply because the act of giving shows love. When we show love we are giving value to another. When we ask for help we run the risk of being denied, but when we feel valued we are less likely to be hurt by the rejection.
    Humans are not mind readers, as much as some of us want to believe we are, so asking for help or making our needs known is mandatory and it is highly unfair to others for one to get hurt and angry when we find ourselves needing help and won't give anyone the opportunity to lend a hand.
    People get damaged by the words and actions of others who have been damaged by words and actions of others....it is a vicious cycle. It can only be broken when we stop assuming that we are not worthy.
    Remember there is a difference between selfishness and worthiness.
  • Sep 23 2013: I always ask for help when I need it :) I don't consider it shameful or indicative that I am less capable. Everyone is good at different things and there is a reason for collaboration and team work. It's more efficient this way too.

    Perhaps being so adverse to asking for help has been subtly seeped into our head through competitions: what makes you the best candidate? What makes you better above all others? If we are better, why seek help from the lesser?
    • Sep 24 2013: I like your observations. Your remark:

      " Everyone is good at different things and there is a reason for collaboration and team work. "

      ......reminds me of something I once heard from some geezer friend of mine....."It is not WHAT you know, but rather WHO you know.......and HOW you know them"

      all is relationship
  • Oct 2 2013: When I was a little kid, about 5 years old, I was playing on the street with a little toy car my mom gave me, until accidentally it went into a sewer. First I tried to figure out how to recover my toy but none of my ideas was working. A neighbor girl about 6 or 7 year old saw what happened and tried to help me, she gave me more ideas and we even tried to lift the sewer but it was too heavy for us, so we finally gave up. I was very sad crying for my lost toy, but suddenly I saw 3 older boys coming towards us, so I told my friend I was going to request their help. I remember it as if it was yesterday, she told me: "no, don't dare to request help form those kids, you will be sorry", I didn't pay attention to her and I did request their help, one of the boys was about 12 years old, he lifted the sewer, recovered my toy and put back the sewer in place, then he said: "here it is, what are you going to give me in return?" I was a small kid so I didn't have any money and didn't have other toys either, so I told him I had nothing to give, then he told me he would take the toy with him as pay back for his effort, then he turn around and told his friends "I took away his toy, so stupid little kid" and they walked away laughing at me. That was the way I learned from a very young age to avoid asking or even accepting someone else's help.
  • Sep 30 2013: The fear of denial
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    Sep 29 2013: I do not mean to poo poo your conversation but what exactly is your idea ...... Since this is under ideas I am lost.

    I do not understand the second sentence: Is it easier to just put what you need rather than request it?

    Help me out here.

    Thanks. Bob.
    • Sep 29 2013: It means is it easier to just say the things you need and hope that the person you want them from will give it to you rather than asking for those things.
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        Sep 29 2013: I hate when people do that.
        It's a bit lazy.

        There are cultures where this is acceptable.
        It is ingrained in them that you should never speak directly about your needs, instead drop hints and hope for the best.

        In the meantime, you might be in dire need of something that is vital, and the other person might have not caught on to the hints you are dropping.

        What do you think?
        • Sep 29 2013: I agree it's a kind of understanding that you should respect what you have and what others have and not try to take anything that is theirs. However, most of the time you do not always have what you NEED (not want) and others do. It's the way our world is imbalanced.
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        Sep 29 2013: I may not be on the same page as you .... Is your idea about equal distribution of wealth and assets? That I have things you want so you hint that you want them and I should give them to you? Your idea is replace begging with hinting?

        Is that your idea to TED?
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        Sep 29 2013: "......most of the time you do not always have what you NEED (not want) and others do. It's the way our world is imbalanced."

        Sometimes Joseph, it's not a matter of imbalance.
        Sometimes people have money for what they want but not for what they need.
        If we are astute observers of human nature, we should be able to discern when an individual truly needs our help, and when they are just "complaining" about their lot in life, unjustifiably so.......with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. (I have nothing against either one, but many times it's not a matter of imbalance, it's a matter of where we put our priorities).
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    Sep 28 2013: cause everyone is king like any king in this world and every king must die one day in need for who'll bury him in the mother nature.
  • Sep 24 2013: From my experience, it's mainly because of our sub-conscience need to be independent. To be superior. To be in control. To have power. When we are asking for help or favors from others, regardless of how they feel about it, we sort of feel that we are in their debt. We feel like we owe them something.

    I read somewhere that people would like you better if you ask favors from them. I can't remember the exact citation behind that claim but you can take my word for it. It had something to do with making the other person feel that we're inferior and that somehow makes them friendlier towards us.

    I suppose relying on others has the opposite effect of helping others.
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    Sep 24 2013: I saw the video is about getting help from the strangers. Asking for helps from friends and someone you are familliar with is much easier than asking for helps from the strangers. If it's not a stranger you want to turn to for his help, I think it's quite comfortable for me to ask for his help, sometimes even I can do something by myself ,but I ask my friends to be involved in helping me with it. Because that makes them feel they are important, which turns out to be a good way to improve our relationship.
  • Sep 24 2013: Because you perceive yourself to be the Egoic Mind. It is a fearful little creature. :-)
  • Sep 24 2013: I have to admit I love solving problems/puzzles. I hate asking for help but will and accept it especially business problems. If there is a hard deadline, then I will ask for help and/or review of a proposed solution.

    Why others do not ask for help? ego, fear, weakness, etc.
    • Sep 24 2013: I heard something years ago that sprouted in my brain like a damned weed that would not go away.......

      "You can strive to be Right. Or, you can strive to be Free. You cannot do both. But the Ego will TELL you over and over and over again that you CAN be both....."

      Don't listen to him
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    Sep 23 2013: Some people have the confidence, diligence, and disposition to persist and believe that taking on and meeting challenges through their own resources will be more gratifying than getting help.

    Some would like to feel like such people and are trying to "fake it until they make it."

    Some people ask for help, even when they have the ability to meet the challenge through their own talents and effort, but they lack the confidence to persist to success.

    Some people do not ask for help because they fear it will make them appear inadequate.

    Some people do not ask for help because they do not know whom to ask or even what sort of help they need or would benefit them.

    Some people have relied on others for help and been let down, coming then to the conclusion that what they achieve themselves will be better than suffering another disappointment.
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      Sep 23 2013: The last point you make is a worthy one to note.
      Sometimes the lack of genuine help from others inhibit us and keep us from reaching out when we are in need.

      Another reason people find it hard to ask for help is lack of humility.
      It takes humility to ask for help.
  • Sep 23 2013: People are people What theiractions are vary widely.
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    Sep 23 2013: I think Amanda Palmer in the video has a very postive view on humanity. She not only suffered a lot from people's despise but also enjoyed the kindness from the crowd. She has a strong will in experiencing indignity and failure and keeps trusting the world. Therefore she's got the real peace and happiness from her heart when she finally find the right way to ask for help. Actually , she still has great ability to give. she's given her heart using her music to communicate with others and let people see her real feeling.

    So I think the premise of asking for help is trust , you trust people and believe you can reward them someday later.