Kat VonTesla

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How to let go of your old/past self

After doing a great deal of digging over the past five years or so, I've found countless books and articles on advice you'd give yourself in your childhood, teens years, 20's, etc. I've also found articles on how to plan for your future and how to visualize what you want as well as a sort of "plan of attack" in doing so. But there seem to be little to no resources out there for how to just be in your own skin, presently. I honestly don't have advice for my younger self. I had some good and bad times. And with my ego as a child/teen, I wouldn't have listened anyhow ;) I have some great plans for the future... but my problem has always been in comparing my current self/partner/job/physique/lifestyle to the one I had (nostalgic "had", not actual). I'm always trying to get back to who I am. But that "am" doesn't fit who I honestly AM now. I'd love to hear how others get in touch with reinventing their current self and how to acknowledge, honor and then let go of the old self without it feeling like some kind of a death.

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    Aug 27 2013: This is definitely not a popular topic for Americans. Two years ago, I more or less was forced to learn how to do it (I did write a book on it, so the details will be skimped here). One of the first things I did was learn to merely observe what goes on in and around me. Not judging, not saying "I am x, y or z." A certain detachment from feelings, thoughts, habits, etc. is necessary. Long story short, I found that the act of simplifying my approach to life made it possible for me to finally come into my own skin.
    Your inner child is far more important than your past child. The simplest piece of advice I can give you is a little affirmation: "This is where I am, this is what I'm feeling, these are the tools I have, and it's perfectly ok. I do the best with what I have, and I have everything I need in this moment."
    There are a few reasons I suggest this affirmation, or something similar in your own words. The most difficult thing I had to come to terms with was being human. Somehow, in my endeavor of striving higher and higher to live my full potential and really be the best version of me I possibly could be, I forgot square one. I believed at my core that there were things fundamentally wrong with my existence, based on certain urges, feelings, emotions, beliefs, etc that I was brought up to believe were somehow unholy. Perfect=adequate was my mantra. This affirmation helped me come to terms with being a human animal, and from there realize that as a human, I have the choice to be stuck in the muck of suffering or I could choose resilience, humor, love, trust, etc. I'm just as alive as anyone else, and it's time I be honest with myself, about myself, 100% of the time, I decided.
    Wish I could write more, as I could go on and on, but I hope this is a good start that gets you thinking. Feel free to message me, ask me any questions. I'm here to help in any way I can. Thanks for exuding the courage to be yourself. :) It does take a lot, but the rewards are infinite.
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    Aug 21 2013: Speaking on personal experience here...I've gone through a "transformation"--both physically & mentally/emotionally--that I understand you to be writing about above. I'll go into a bit of detail.
    In 2008 (in a matter of a one month period) I lost my job, my Mom to cancer & my grandmother to heart disease. Needless to say my "world" & sense of self was turned upside down! I found myself at a proverbial fork in the road where I had a choice. 1) To live in this sorrow & wallow in what I had lost, most likely snowballing on itself & putting me deeper into my negative outlook on myself more than what I already was. Or 2) get up, dust myself off & figure out my "new normal". In one sense this was a "dying and rebirth" experience as you mention above but not in a negative sense. It wasn't a matter of letting go of my old/past self (which at that time was without a Mom, unemployed, single, and over 345lbs) but accepting it for what it was and moving on. Over the next 5 yrs I found that a lot of my weight was actually emotional "weight" of experiences from my past that I never really addressed. I wasn't really aware that I was even carrying these things around until they surfaced and I chose to face them.
    I first had to let go of the fear of facing these things head on. It's like needing to clean out the closet/storage unit that many of us have. Most of the stuff in there we don't actually need but for whatever reason we haven't been able to part with in the past. The task of having to go in & begin to "clean out" this unit is mentally overwhelming/exhausting. But taking on a little bit at a time is manageable & how it should be approached. Too much at one time can send you into a negative spiral. Having a health issue of obesity, like I had, somewhat forced me to take it a little at a time because losing it all at once isn't realistic. I learned that a Healthy Mind = a Healthy Body & reinforced my belief that everything in life happens for a reason.
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      Aug 22 2013: Andrea I am so glad you joined TED conversations. I appreciate you sharing your inspiring story......so many of us need to find our way....and the world needs to hear from those people who have walked the talk.....to learn how it can be done......I hope you will start your own conversations, and reach out to many more people. Cheers!!

      here is an inspiring talk on pathways to success:
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    Sep 2 2013: I have had similar thoughts and yearnings for not only a more authentic self, but also a better self - a person I want to be in the future - harder working, continuously more compassionate, decent, kind - plain and simply a human, a harmonious human being.
    I have a few leads for you that have helped me in my journey. Most recently, I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle's Living a Life of Inner Peace. It is a wonderful audio recording of a talk he gave. He light-hearted. He is joyfully wise. Disc two especially addresses your topic. He discusses the need to let go of the search for oneself - because, (for me, in this case), I am the now. So, of course you are the now. That is a beautiful statement and so liberating. I love words - perhaps that it why I am presently typing :) - so I'd like to add the word 'unfolding' I am the now, unfolding...I am unfolding into the now... By placing your self into the moment you that are in at any moment, and being there, exclusively, you become what you are.
    Frustration over the past - it wanders away with no foothold upon me. And the future is, hopefully, when all goes well with my dwelling in the present, waiting patiently for my unfolding like a flower in the warm sun or perhaps a nourishing rain, and gosh, sometimes even a tumultuous rain. But my essence remains me.
    And so I also look brightly toward the future. I believe that I am continually becoming a person I am happier with and more confident about introducing to strangers, potential friends ... all people ... and animals too.
    Another wonderful teacher is Sogyal Rinpoche. The early chapters of The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying directly and compassionately discuss comfort in one's own skin. What a wonderful, beautiful and unique gift we give the world, others and ourselves when we dwell in the present moment -truly experiencing it - as we are, as we are created, and as we are growing to be.
    Also, I recommend Roshi Halifax here on TED on compassion and empathy.
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      Sep 2 2013: Beautiful!! I agree. :)

      “Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that other people have of you is inauthentic living.” (Eckhart Tolle)

      so.....being in this moment now....as my most authentic self is being fully present in life that matters.
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    Aug 22 2013: This is a great topic. I think we must first look at the problem or problems. Jiddu Krishnamurti always referred to "how we think as people as the root of the problem". We must first change that before we can have a solution. So, a solution for a problem that many will go through but no clear path....and that is based on trying to organize life. The organization of life is the control factor that we try to do on a external level. This is a problem because you can t control how life flows. We can make all the psychological hypothesis on how to better cope with emotions but, the problem is controlling these things. What happened to understanding, accepting, and being that person with flaws and potentials.

    So, how do you appreciate that person we are growing to be or who we are. Conflict.....I think conflict is when we compare what we are to someone we would like to be. Or we want to be someone, to be an idol, someone inspiring to impress another, or for the gain of recognition. Especially in America, it is slapped in your face on what we should be at an early age. But what is wrong with the man or woman that likes a non stressful job cleaning houses. Someone says "Oh wow, you can do better than that." but, that person has no stress and is content with that lifestyle. What if ambition was measured on what makes you happy. What if the schools were teaching on the trials of life, massive cultural acceptance, and critical thinking and much more. An education to enhance the creation of the mind and acceptance for the unique abilities we all have.

    So, how do we become comfortable when we have been programmed and brainwashed for so long. LET GO! Accept your flaws physically and mentally. Accept your brilliant difference from one another. Accept people that look at you for YOU and not what the classifications are in our society. Accept that happiness is letting go of the substance inside us, the conflict of what we should be. Accept your self for you in grow from there
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    Aug 22 2013: Travel light, Its a pleasure.

    In the journey of life travel light

    without baggage of the past

    and without loads of expectations in future.
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    Aug 17 2013: when i someday become a old lady,i won't jealous other young ladys.l will probably say when i am a child ,i enjoyed being a child ,when i am an old lady,i'll enjoy being an old lady.it isn't a matter of time,after all.because i have also gone through this period of time in my life,just that simple.
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    Aug 16 2013: To a degree... I don't feel paranoid per say and I've yet to master thinking before I speak. It's more the feeling of needing to keep up a certain image/persona around everyone. I've been this social shapeshifter for so long that I've never had the chance to really dig in and be all of myself at once. In a lot of intimate relationships, I tend to hold back and feel more like a diluted version of who I'm supposed to be if that makes sense. After being "this" for so long, I've found that there are instances where I'm just to exhausted to keep it up and I'm at least more of myself than usual and I end up feeling like I've upset things. That tends to foster very well intentioned but annoying comments that start of "you know what's wrong with you is..." and then I fall back into character. After speaking with a few other people who spend a large amount of time performing, I've found that I have a few comrades in this awkward stage of introducing myself TO myself finally. Sounds a bit odd, I'm sure. Realizing all this was the major reason I decided to step back and stop performing so it wasn't quite so easy to fall back into the addiction to external validation and to try and figure out what a lot of others figured out years ago ;) Upon doing so, I found that there weren't to many (if any) books/discussions dealing with this from the standpoint of a performing artist and I thought hey.... I bet TED would be a great place to start. So far, I'm really glad I put this out there. You've all had some great insight and some really good points!
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    Aug 16 2013: Hi Kat,

    I assume that you are not alone in attempting to "shed your skin" as snakes do, to be born again and let go of the baggage you are carrying.

    But you see, our Self-Concept depends on the past, the past evolving in the present, the past claiming a foothold in the present, "I am that which I was, or a continuity of".

    For as long as we invite the past in the present, we have problems.

    Now, I don't claim to be an expert, but this is my 5 bob's worth.

    What I do, personally, is insert a space (I call it SANITY) and this puts things in perspective. What I mean is that there is a difference between "then and there" and "now and here". If you enmesh them, you lose the space and with it, your sanity. And I also make sure when I converse that I use the words "recall" and "remember" when speaking about the past, rather than speaking as though it is happening now.

    Comparing...well, if you compare yourself, you lose your Uniqueness, that is clear. Any form of comparison is a form of self-betrayal as we betray Uniqueness in order to derive a sense of Self as a deduction. Self is not to be deduced, self is to be aware of, presently. This does not involve mathematics, additions or subtractions. I am not more or less than somebody. I am ME. I can only be me. And I AM ME when I do not compare myself with others or past memories.

    The curious question is why compare? Why not AWARE?
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    Aug 16 2013: Oh my goodness! Look this is pretty simple. You embrace who you are now. That's it.
    Who you are now is a cumulation of all you have gone through before so you have to embrace that also. You cannot throw it away. Letting go is not the same as throwing away. You let go of the emotion but you keep the memory for it is an integral part of who you are now.
    Who you will be does not exist yet. All the planning and goal setting in the world cannot predict who you will be.
    All there is is now. Enjoy it.
    All the rest is crap.
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    Aug 26 2013: If you are a full-time housewife, I wonder if this could be a solution for you: discuss with you family and work out some compromise between your real family life and the true self you like in the past. If you are still eager for the good feeling of success reassurance from the crowd,you could try to find a part time job or a job could be done at home that can bring you some excitement . Please don't get me wrong and ignore it if there is anything offensive to your privacy.
  • Aug 23 2013: You're talking about changing yourself, right? Getting rid of tendencies and habits that harm yourself or others and changing for the better. I think we all need to be working at this all the time. I usually start with recognizing that what I've done or am doing is bad. I think about where I would like to be and what I want to be doing. I then make a plan and set goals, concrete steps I'm going to take to change. Willpower alone is sometimes not enough though, in my experience. I struggled for a couple years to change who I was at one point. I found that God helped me go the extra mile.

    It's not that the old self was all bad or whatever, I just hadn't learned some things yet. It's all step-by-step progression, so once you've made your change there's nothing to regret anymore. Who you are is pretty dynamic, changing every day. By consciously choosing in the small decisions to change for the better instead of worse, I don't have to compare myself to the past and wish for it.
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      Aug 23 2013: Yes I am. And it's less about changing my whole self and more about being able to discern what from my past still serves me well and what to let go of. I don't think the qualities I'm trying to walk away from in my own past were bad or even negative. I have found, however, that they no longer serve a purpose in the life I'm living now I suppose. When I was younger, I performed all the time. I met a lot of incredible human beings and I wanted to talk to everyone, do everything and didn't want to be rooted down by anything or anyone. It was a great period in my life BUT as I've grown and started raising children, I've had good reason to re-evaluate who I was then and who I am now. While my life is still pretty good, it's not quite as exciting as it once was and I have days when it's hard not to want to be THAT person again. When you're on stage, you get that validation quickly and en masse :) The life I have now is equally as fulfilling and exciting (in different ways) but that validation has to come from myself now. The trouble is, when I have my off days it's easy to switch on that old process of "how do I get back to being that person" when it probably SHOULD be "how do I create the feelings and assurance I had then in the life I have now and from myself rather than from a crowd". It's a process :) Thanks for the input and that's great advice!
  • Aug 22 2013: I've been struggling with this idea of letting go and finding myself for some time as well. My current hypothesis is that maybe the best way to do this is to help others let go and find themselves. That maybe by finding it within us to try and really understand what someone is going through and letting it be what it is, we will allow ourselves to do the same.

    I actually have launched an art project off of this concept, where I hope to take 12 strangers, get to know them for 3 months, and turn their stories into paintings. If this seems interesting to you, I actually invite you to take a look :) Its a work in progress, but I'm very hopeful about what this will lead to.

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    Aug 22 2013: Thank YOU Juliette I really appreciate your comment! I'm navigating my way around TED and I hope to become more active on here!
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      Aug 22 2013: Hi Andrea :-)
      I am still green myself....but I can share with you my early lessons I learned as I joined TED conversations.....on every single comment there is a reply button ( upper right hand corner, red "Reply")...when you click on it a new window opens directly below that comment. As you type you will see the red word "Reply" change to "Replying....".
      What this feature does is that it sends an email to the person you are responding to ....and that is the only way that person knows to come back and read your response.

      ....today I randomly stumbled upon your message to me and of course my gladness is multiplied ...first for your presence and second for knowing that my words reached you ❤ ❤.
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    Aug 20 2013: Hello Kat,
    There are many interesting comments in reply to your quest, but I will focus on the last phrase of your introduction where you say you are seeking a way to let go of the old stuff "without it feeling like some kind of death".
    Sorry; it's going to feel like some kind of death - and inevitably so. Why? Because our current identity is grown out of, and maintained by, the beliefs and habits of that old self - so in letting go of that old self we have to let go of our identity that is enmeshed in it, and in so doing it feels like a (partial) death.
    However, I would say that this process is a normal part of growing into psychological and spiritual maturity. Mystics have called this experience "dying to self so that we might live" and "the dark night of the soul". We can choose to have little "dyings" every every day, or wait until a big crisis comes along and then we have an opportunity for a bigger "dying".
    {From a zen perspective I can recommend Cheri Huber's "There is nothing wrong with you"; from a Christian perspective I can recommend Thomas Keating's "Invitation to love"}
  • Aug 17 2013: There is a lot of great advice. I would say not reinvent yourself but evolve to fit your current state. Now let me cliche you to death - 8>))

    Billy Joel's "Keeping the Faith"

    You can get just so much from a good thing
    You can linger too long in your dreams
    Say goodbye to the "Oldies But Goodies"
    Cause the good ole days weren't always good
    And tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems

    Satchel Paige - "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you"
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    Aug 17 2013: Kat,
    What do you mean you are "trying to get back to who I am"?

    There is already lots of good advice on this thread, so I'm simply reinforcing it. We are what we are today, partially because of the experiences we have had in the past, which we can learn from......or not.....it's a choice. In my perception, life is an exploration, so it is an ongoing adventure in which we can continue to learn and grow.

    As other people on this thread have said...embrace who you are, live in the present, learn, grow, explore, accept change, evolve...be all that you can be here and now.

    The past is gone by, and we can use the information gained from past experiences to learn. The future is not yet a reality. This moment is the only reality. Do you choose to spend your time lamenting the past..."feeling like some kind of death", as you say? Or do you choose to embrace the lessons of the past and move on, embracing who you are now? It is a choice my friend:>)
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    Aug 17 2013: Live in the present.

    Past good or bad is a teacher with experience. Let's learn from it.

    Nothing remains same, even the universe.
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    Aug 17 2013: There is no permanent "self" ......we change we evolve with time through our experiences , learning , realizations ........that's natural
  • Aug 16 2013: I have learned that I can not let go of my past. It has made me who I am today. Every good and bad experience has shaped and molded me to be the person am I today. All of it is important. Even the icky, yucky, hide it in the closet and don't tell anyone stuff. You can't get rid of it but you don't have to dwell on it.

    One perspective that gave me some insight, which came from a religious standpoint but can be tweaked for those who are not religious, is that "God will never waste a hurt". Because you have had certain experiences, you can speak to someone or help where others can not. Those experiences are gifts which make you who you are and only you can use them to their full potential for good.

    You can't go back and change your past. You wouldn't be who you are today if you did. But, you can embrace it and move on.

    Be who you are and love it.
  • Aug 16 2013: I think a habit of comparing current oneself and that of the past is not bad. 'Compare' has a bad effect only when it is done in a way that one compares oneself with others because people usually do not see their own benefit, only to envy others' lives. Deep thought about oneself will be one of motivations which make us live in a better way. :-o
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    Aug 16 2013: First off I would like to thank everyone for replying. I appreciate the advice and the perspective from a different set of eyes. I tend to get trapped in my own head a great deal :) After speaking with my sister and a few friends and getting that familiar look of "what the hell are you talking about?" followed by the usual and very well intended advice of just being yourself, I did more digging and more talking. I found that my perspective on all this is coming slightly left field than some. My trouble with being able to clear away the self-imposed mud so I can follow aforementioned advice, is that I have to have a starting point. I need to understand where I am now in perspective to who I have been up until this point. And the reason that is so difficult (well perhaps not the only reason but the one that struck me first and hardest) is that I have been performing since I was 4 years old. Because of this factor, I've never BEEN "myself". Whoever that is. I've been putting on a show my entire life. Hell I won't even listen to certain songs with the windows rolled down driving because of 'keeping up appearances'. The ridiculous part is that logically, I realize everyone else is living their own lives...not waiting for me to screw up ;) But this discovering myself is very new and very foreign because of those circumstances. Which makes this concept of letting go, breathing in, and just BEING incredibly challenging. I wanted to put the idea out there to gain some insight...and perhaps get out of my own head for a minute or two.
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      Aug 16 2013: Hi Kat,

      The picture you are portraying is much more clear now. It appears you are stuck with a self-image, a self-concept that forces you, compels you to portray a certain behavior associated with it, maintain a certain standard, etc. You live from expectations rather than spontaneous self expression. I can assume that most things you do are calculated, thought beforehand, weighed up, which is a struggle in itself. And I can also assume that you feel imprisoned by it, and guilty somehow if you don't live up to these expectations. If feel you let yourself down if not living up to the demands of the self image, and at the same time, you feel suffocated, watched over, like someone is looking over your shoulder, correct? You feel like spontaneously saying something, but you hold back, because it may not be :the right Thing to say", you may offend someone, etc. You may say "yes" when you really want to say "no." And I feel that there is a lot of resentment and passive aggressiveness inside you, and deep sadness at the loss of your freedom to be yourself, like a child, spontaneous, living in the "now-space" rather than the expected/anticipated. We also call this type of behavior "conditioned" and it is normally triggered by cues, and the reaction is from "should" rather than from a free "want:" and the "should" action is driven by guilt where the "want" action is driven by present desire and passion, full of life and joy.

      Honesty is your Tao of cure, Kat. Means, be true to your self: feelings, wants, not wants. Do not say yes when you mean no, and if you feel sad, feel the sadness and do no try and immediately feel happy, because it involves the formation of "reaction formation" or the creation of the opposite. The Genuine becomes the "Shadow" as it is repressed, and the Opposite becomes the Mask, that which you are stuck with, a form of pretense, that is robbing you of your Authentic Self. That which you refuse to manifest, you repress into the Shadow.
  • Aug 16 2013: Hi Dear Kat Von Tesla.Did you hear Enya's only time?the song's melody is a comfort for me sometimes.
    I learn to appreciate'Now'.Because it is the only time I can enjoy.Meanwhile I also learnt to learn sth from the past,learn to get some hopes in the future to motivate me Now.

    Accept and forgive and forget all what had happened,just move on,be conscious not forget lots of little grasses growing beside your hurry passing roads...
  • Sep 14 2013: Create a better one starting today.

    I had an abusive/alcoholic father and I found this helpful-
    "When one has not had a good father, one must create one"- Friedrich Nietzsche
  • Sep 14 2013: Even though we try to take away our old/past self from ourselves it is quite hard. Because we are the presences which are accumulated from the birth to the now. Rather than trying to divide our identity into small part, self-awareness attitudes should be required. The better one know oneself, the happier one could live life..
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    Sep 1 2013: Thank you very much indeed for raising this point; it is indeed some thing many people, myself included, struggle with.
    I do agree that a big part of the conflict is the mismatch or contradiction between Who I Really Am and Who I wish to Be Seen. In my case, I took some dramatic steps and pushed myself out of Both images, I mean the way I perceived myself in reality and the way I wished to be perceived by others. I stepped out of both molds-suddendly and mercilessly- to re know and reshape and reconstruct a balanced self-image, something to help me reach a happy medium.
    I started to meet people I had never even imagined, I got into a lot of stuff I would never dare to approach formerly. I don't know whether what I did was LOGICALLY sound and sane or not, but honestly I have reached that happy medium now. I can confidently claim that stepping out of both images I used to hold, and trying to reach some thing that can reduce the tesion caused by the mismatch between the two, has taken me to a third self-image which is pretty much what I am and what I wish to be seen.
    But as I stated, I did it roughly, firmly and mercilessly
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    Sep 1 2013: This is a great topic to bring up. Who doesn't want to be more proactive in shaping who they are and trimming off what they no longer are. Maybe the depressed and downtrodden but there is a way for them too. My thoughts almost immediately, went to the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which has been a help to myself. Even if you are not an alcoholic, an applied modification of the 12 steps could give you the benefits of ridding yourself of undesirable behaviors. For instance, one could take the first step and say that they were powerless over material possession, that their life had become unmanageable in the acquisition of things. There is the searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself in step 4. In Step 8 one makes amends to others that have been wronged. The higher power concept is unique for everyone hence the "as we understood him" after the word God. http://www.silkworth.net/aa/12steps.html
    The 12 steps may seem like a stretch to some but if it can work for them, I'm confident it could be a help to almost anyone tired of who they used to be.
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    Aug 26 2013: No, I am a single mother of 2 and work full time as a drafter/engineer.
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      Aug 29 2013: Thank you for sharing your experience in life. I think all of us will get trapped in dilemma having to make a tough choice sometimes. I like your picture, it makes me believe somehow you must have the power to hang on there and take some small steps to balance your true self and your ouside world during your new trip starting from present to the future. Your topic remind me of the importance of enjoying my current life and cherishing what I have now. When I encounter the same problem , I will tell myself I'm not lonely ,there are other people who also have this kinda problem and I should be optimistic enough to solve it.
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    Aug 26 2013: Dear Kat VonTesia,
    there is no solution for these type of questions or Ideas and it differ from person to person.
    But the fact is that we don't want to think about our present because we know we are not doing right at this stage. If you are going perfect with your plan then you can think about your life and your heart and brain will be with you but if you are going wrong then if you tried to think sometime your brain avoid it and sometime heart. As our brain is full responsible for our body so it always tries to comfort us. It avoid thinking those things which may sad our mood. People drink because mind says please don't think that much and don't harm yourself just drink and enjoy. It always lead us on a path we love and enjoy.
    That's why we need motivational books and quotes and sometime advice. for example we know that wake up early in the morning and do exercise is good for health but we never do it unless we read it somewhere or heard from somewhere that its good. We always need an example.

    We can't get rid of our past because that's why we have the present so we can't forget our past but we can learn that how to make our past our strength. whatever bad we did cannot be changed but if we keep thinking about that then it may spoil our present. We learn to accept our past to develop our present or future.

    Sorry if it irritate. :)
    enjoy past with your present to make future.
  • Aug 25 2013: Haha, I know what you mean but a remarkable thing happen. It appears to you in the best way possible individually and becomes permanent. There are times when I felt that my past is going to catch up to me only because I got that idea from someone else. It wasn't my own. There's a saying, yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery and today is the a present that's why most times it's called a gift. Just don't make a living make a life. So, just live for today and no matter how much I thought about the past it really didn't matter cuz I was thinking more about now. Tomorrow is a long way coming. At the end of everything I will meet my friend Death and no matter the time taken I will willingly accept it if it's my time but till then I just want to be happy. It's not tough. It's quite a weight lifted off your shoulders when you realised the things that really matter are in front you. That's how I feel most times. I feel sometimes it's not healthy to plan the future cuz we literally are clueless what's gong to happen and we can't change it's course, so just ride that wave is all i'm saying. If you want to do something just go do it, simple and clear. That's How you meet your goals and expectations and not through expecting what's going to happen. Life is actually very simple, we insist in complicate things and you can't say labels has been that one means. Label this, label that and now everything has a name. wasn't it just man and woman in the beginning now its husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, crush, couple, flirt and it's quite amusing for us to act in a way that seems quite childish.

    It just doesn't make sense all this, we've change for a species that was once Intelligent, bold, beautiful and remarkably hopeful. We've always survived and prove that everything is possible even with the slightest chance and it was Amazing. And yet we see when we can't see and hear what when you can't here, there is a revolution coming and it's world of peace and love.
  • Aug 24 2013: well, I think when we want to change our personalities we should know why we are changing it.. does that correspond with our purpose in our life?. looking inside ourselves is something essential for determining the factors that motivate us, and once we know these factors we can behave simpler and smoother
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    Aug 23 2013: There is some great discussion going on here. I love seeing the different view points/perspectives on what this question has meant and does mean to everyone else out there. I'd like to pose a new question now that occurs to me after reading all of your replies. I know on a personal level that I have some trouble with letting go to just BE. Not because I disagree with the concept but because I've been so mutable for the majority of my life that there's not root structure or one specific core truth that I have found to be my own focal point/true self. I don't feel that this is a negative or wrong way of being but it does make it different to focus the energy and simplify (again for me personally...I won't speak for everyone). One of the biggest issues because of this and because I performed for so long is learning the art of validating my happiness from within and then standing firm and maintaining that strength. A great deal of what I've put out into the universe was done on a stage and validation came externally. After living that way for a majority of my life and having no reason to question it then, I find it hard now to turn off the need for that "atta boy" and accept my own with equal power and assurance. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on self validation vs. the external. Again, I understand and agree with the concept but I'm a bit out of practice. So for the sake of my own clumsy attempt at evolving here, I'll ask for some input ;)
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      Aug 23 2013: Let the external validation be spontaneous, disordered, uncontrollable. You cant and don't want to plan an external entity for validation of anything. For example, A compliment is better when your not expecting it. So let it be not expected all the time. Internally always see yourself moving with life. "Like Water." as Bruce Lee would say. "Water is always flowing so you got to keep on flowing". Inward we must always acknowledge are achievements and failures in the now and understand and learn in the past. I think your pat on the back will be greater once you have achieved a goal for yourself and people recognize your achievement when you have moved to the next. Just try not to get caught up of where you were and what the future can possibly be with your goals and achievements...just keep on flowing. Again I humbly express my opinion. Thanks.
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    Aug 23 2013: I think you could always focus on your current self. Treat yourself well and never think too much about the past.
    If you're tired with current self , maybe changing to another totally different enironment(changing your job,move to another country....) will bring you renascence in your self-evaluation.You could let the old self go just as let the time pass by. Just enjoy the movie directed and acted by yourself at different period of your life.Every role in the play is different aspects of you.
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      Aug 23 2013: i think that's not a solution, you are talkin like we have lots of money to move to another country etc, that's not general. the fact is we can't let go our past, we will always remember it, if the question said how, so my answer is just looking back to my old life but keep heading forward.
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        Aug 23 2013: That's just some examples of changing environment that makes you feeling like death. one should remember his past but I mean don't think too much about it when he heads towards his future. Be concentrated on your present performance to make it better,every present segment will become part of your past.I think the best way is to change one's attitude towards his current status, treat himself well ,be confident ,stop to think what he can change and make decision to try to change. If he cannot change the environment or he doesn't want to change it, he'd better change himself instead.
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          Aug 24 2013: agree with that. the thing is do what you want to do, and don't do what you don't want to do,
          just be yourself ! :)
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    Aug 22 2013: Very much dig :) I'd love to see how it turns out!
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    Aug 22 2013: Stop analyzing, keep it simple.
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    Aug 22 2013: Very cool, thank you for sharing Juliette!

    Have a happy and healthy day!

  • Aug 19 2013: Your question is at the base of human existence. I am not qualified enough to give you out of the box advice, but here is a link you may want to explore. http://magicofawakening.wordpress.com/2011/08/05/how-to-do-self-enquiry/
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    Aug 18 2013: Have you read anything by Robert Kegan?


    In his book The Evolving Self (1982), Kegan explores human life problems from the perspective of a single process which he calls meaning-making, the activity of making sense of experience through discovering and resolving problems. "Thus it is not that a person makes meaning, as much as that activity of being a person is the activity of meaning-making," Kegan says.[3] Meaning-making is a lifelong activity that begins in earliest infancy and can evolve in complexity through a series of "evolutionary truces" (or "evolutionary balances") that establish a balance between self and other (in psychological terms), or subject and object (in philosophical terms), or organism and environment (in biological terms).[4] Each evolutionary truce is both an achievement of and a constraint on our meaning-making, possessing both strengths and limitations.[5] And each evolutionary truce presents a new solution to the lifelong tension between how people are connected, attached, and included, on the one hand (integration), and how people are distinct, independent, and autonomous on the other (differentiation).

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      Aug 18 2013: This information is quite interesting.

      I would imagine that a person's metacognitive skills play a big role in the meaning-making process/evolution of self.....?
      • Aug 19 2013: Hi Dear Mary M.That's amzing u meantion metacognitive skills.I am interested in it.Let's find a way to discuss'metacognition'?

        By the way,Dear Mary M.would you like to be my daughter's english learning mentor?She is interested in english learning now.But it is really not easy for a kid to learn english well if no learning language environment.

        I talked to her to meet pen pal to help her learning english.I said:just keep writing email to your pen pal to keep practicing in english.She said:okay.

        You know it isn't easy to get girls' agreement except they are really intersted in.So I am happy she said:okay.
        If you are convenient,just send messages to me.if not,hope you don't mind:).Thank you.