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Mark Laing

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Why do we embrace mediocrity in relationships? Because we are either so perfection bound or sex is the only value of relationships.

We face obstacles all day long, whether it is the traffic jam on the highway, people at work, delayed and much needed info, our friends, kids etc. We work through these obstacles and can often feel invigorated by championing the challenge. Then why do we pooch out so easily when it comes to relationship obstacles? Why do we give up so easily and why are we not as a result concerned with the idea that about 50% of all marriages won't make 25 years. Why is the work of relationships seemingly so low on the priority list?

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    Jul 27 2013: Marriage relationship is the most complicated relationship of all , so it's not comparable to any other relationship that's what I feel. Even then despite all complexity which other relationships don't have( exception is relationship with parents or siblings) people maintain more than say 25 years ?
    • Jul 27 2013: Why do you think or what do you think makes marriage so complicated? If you are right perhaps people don't work on their marriage because the complications are perceived as too over whelming.
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        Jul 28 2013: Because of the multiplicity of roles both husband and wife have to play that makes it a complicated one. Moreover it has got lot sociocultural influences on it compared to other relationships.

        Just giving a silly example of some other factor.....say someone had an heated argument with her/his boss , peer or friend....after that what they may handle the situation ? If it happens to husband and wife ......will they be able to handle it same way ? Even if they want to handle it same way..which way they will handle i.e like Peer Vs Peer / Friend Vs Friend / Boss vs Subordinate or something different ?
        • Jul 28 2013: Yes, it seems we respond to a love relationship with much more apprehension and /or fear than we might with a friendship or employment relationship. I wonder why that is? Could it be that the pain of rejection and/or abandonment in a love relationship feels much more threatening than in other kinds of relationships?
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      Jul 28 2013: Salim and Mark,
      I think marriage may be getting MORE complicated because of the expansion of roles. There was a time when the woman was the homemaker, provided childcare, took care of the home and emotional challenges within the home. The man was the financial support. The roles were very clearly defined by society.

      Now that people are taking different roles (more women in the work force and more men are stay at home dads), the roles are less defined, and it may contribute to the complexity of marriage partnerships.
      • Jul 28 2013: I am not sure I agree that role confusion adds to relationship complexity. If this is merely a paradigm shift there is usually a sorting out period. If on the other hand this is an aberration of defined roles, I wonder if the consequences are merely built in to keep us or to help return us back on track? People often refer to the "good old days" when change occurs or the rules change. I think we are what I call people of the pendulum. We love to be on the far extension of either side of the swing of the pendulum but what we crave is the place in the middle. As a result we really do have a hard time learning from our mistakes.
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          Jul 28 2013: It's ok if we do not agree......that is what having a good conversation is about....sometimes agreeing to disagree.

          You make a good point regarding actions/reactions/consequences....cause and effect.

          I am not referring to "the good old days" Mark, I am simply suggesting that roles are changing, and it's ok if you do not agree.

          I prefer NOT to be on the "far extension of either side of the swing of the pendulum". I much prefer balance, and that is a personal choice.
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        Jul 28 2013: Colleen & Mark
        I just wanted to point out that the marriage relationship is not comparable to any other relationship we have in our life. Even when a couple is in love but not married the relationship has got a different dimension which changes once they get married , that's my feeling from observation but others can have different opinion or feelings.

        I agree with Colleens point of changed role of partners due to the changed landscape of society . Interestingly because socio economic evolution the roles have changed but the expectation of society haven't changed much even the psyche of partners (mostly male's psyche) has not changed much at least in my cultural surroundings , which definitely added more complexity around it.

        Seems our social norm changes at much slower rate then the changes happens in different roles due economical or technological reason.
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          Jul 28 2013: I agree Salim, that the marriage/partnership relationship is different than most other relationships, because there doesn't seem to be another relationship in which we share so many aspects of the life experience.

          I also agree that a partnership may have a different dimension than a marriage. I know several couples who lived together contentedly for years, got married, and then had challenges with their relationship. There may be something about the marriage commitment that gets in the way for some people?

          Change certainly DOES take time!

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