Prince Backman

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What is your thought in a young man and a lady live together before getting married?

Recently,I came across this question,struggling on whether or not choosing living with my girl friend.I need your insights or experiences, to help me out in this trial.

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    Jul 25 2013: Hi Jaden.
    My advice is not to have sex unless you are willing to make your girlfriend your lifelong partner. If you are willing, then why not marry her right now? The very fact you are asking the question betrays the fact that you conscience is troubling you over the issue. Always best to follow your conscience.

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    Jul 27 2013: Have you spoken to her about what would happen if you found that after moving in together it was not for the best? Can you comfortably support the both of you until she finds work? Do you trust her? There is alot to be considered. It would seem that you are also morally concerned, she clearly trusts you if she is willing to move in with you. Have you ever spent the weekend together or taken a holiday? These kind of longer periods spent together can give you a better idea of what it is like to be around a particular person for extended periods of time.

    do your parents know her? Perhaps they could give you better guidance on your situation as they would be more aware of the unique factors then what you can tell people on the Internet. Has she spoken to her parents about the idea? How old are you? Age gives a lot of context into decisions. What are your short/long term goals and do these align with her ideas?
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    Jul 24 2013: Hi again Jaden,
    When I have doubts about something, I usually do not take action, until I am clear in myself with all information. I believe doubt is often coming from intuition/instinct, and it's important to understand what the doubt is about. It is helpful when a decision like this feels good to both people.

    No need for struggle my friend. Take in all the information, from the heart, intuition, instinct, and the logical, reasonable mind/brain. As an insightful young person, weigh the information, and feel good and comfortable about whatever decision you choose:>)
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      Jul 25 2013: Hi Miss Steen,I've not made the move yet,cause my heart has not given me the kind of decision that I will feel comfortable. That's why I come to TED,collecting suggetions and thoughts,your words might never be a part of my decision,but it helps me expand my understanding,create new perspectives.Eventually,I am the one to make the decision,which is responsible for both me and my girlfriend. Cause I think this action's stake is so high,margin for error is so small.
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        Jul 25 2013: Jaden,
        Why are you making the decision for both of you? Why not both participating in the decision?
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          Jul 25 2013: We both are participating now,she is quite determined to live together.But as a man I can't allow myself to be careless,I think I have to consider the perspectives that she can't notice.
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        Jul 26 2013: Jaden,
        I suggest the BEST person to talk with about this is the person who is involved in the decision.

        You think you have to "consider the perspectives that she can't notice"? Talk with her about it, allow her to truly be a partner in the decision.
  • Jul 26 2013: Hi Jaden,
    here in Holland, it is common to live together and raise children and live as a unit without marriage ever coming into the equation. In fact, a couple living together for so many years in this country (I believe it's 5-7) enjoy the same rights as a married couple. This has been the socially accepted standard for many years.
    Personally, I think living together is an excellent way to find out if you should spend the rest of your lives together, or not! You'd want a test drive before you settle on buying a car, right? A relationship is even more important, making a commitment to one another means being sure about that commitment!
    My husband and I lived together for 8 years before we got married, 8 years ago. We got married as a 'good excuse' to have a family reunion!

    At the end of the day, the decision is completely up to you and your girlfriend, regardless of what anyone, let alone society, thinks!!
  • Jul 26 2013: It seems to be a personal choice between the couple although most of the time this is not the case. The reason is that society has certain expectations, so does culture, so do parents etc etc. All of these things can influence you a great deal. But, in the end none of these influences marry you, she or he does, they and you should decide.
  • Jul 25 2013: I'm wondering how your girlfriend will feel if she finds out you are crowd-sourcing her life and yours.

    I am honestly baffled by your posing of such an intimate question to a group of complete strangers.
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      Jul 25 2013: Sorry,Mary,if it offend you. My stance is I am convinced you will never find out who I am. I just need more experienced people to share thoughts.
      • Jul 26 2013: Sorry Jaden if you are offended by my sincere worry for your girlfriend's emotional well being, as well as yours.

        In the future, I hope you will not suffer too greatly at having posted such a serious and intimate question on a public forum.

        Assuming that the individuals giving you advice are more experienced is a big assumption.
        Do you think they have your best interest at heart? And the interest of your girlfriend?

        Again, I am wondering how your girlfriend would feel if she found out you are crowd-sourcing her life and yours.

        This is my sincere contribution, not because I am offended, but because I care.
        I hope you can understand that.
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          Jul 26 2013: Thank you Marry,I understand your care and worry.I don't think I am offended,you might know me,I am the kind of person positing everybody as a good person initially,so I am positing all your words and the other TEDsters' words are sincerely helping me. You are looking in the different way,which shouldn't be ignored,it's my fault failed to recognize it before posting this question.

          My girlfriend won't be as eased as I am,if she found out.But,I think she would understand my starting point,I sincerely want to make a decision that is as perfect as can be.

          I mean this is a serious and intimate issue,I do not dare to talk to anyone around me,even my best friend. For me,TED is an anonymous forum,where onbody would be able to identify myself,nor do they have such impulse to identify me precisely just to make me embarrassed.In that perspective,I thought talk intimacy anonymously will do on harm to me and my girlfriend.

          I appreciate your contribution and care,we've know each other for quite a long time,you remind me the things that I ignored,this is a big lesson for me.I consume and value people's sincere intention,not his/her straightforward words.
      • Jul 26 2013: Jaden, your words give me much inner peace.
        Not only because you have understood my perspective, and the reason I gave you counsel, but because now, I too understand why you have asked this private question on this public forum.

        Communication between two understanding, patient individuals who care to listen to each other, many times ends in a fine manner.

        May you and the one you love have a happy life together.
  • Jul 25 2013: It is ok by me. It allows you to get to know each other better.
  • Jul 24 2013: Monks and priests live together and never marry, I suspect because they aren't allowed. Consider not getting married in the future and have an opposite sex union, then your relationship won't be stigmatized by a word that has become synonymous with religious bigotry.
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    Jul 24 2013: You did not mention in your question how old you are, whether you are engaged, or why this seems to you the logic step at this time. Are you finished with school? Still in school? Working or still dependent financially on your parents?
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      Jul 25 2013: I am financially independent now,but we are not engaged,I won't hesitate if we are engaged.

      Tell you whole circumstance.My girlfriend and I live in different cities now,she's made her plan to move my city,where she is staying now is our hometown,we come from the same town,One thing that if she settled down at our hometown,we are impossible to carry on the relationship I reckon,cause I live in a city 250km away.There is no possibility if I going back,cause there is so few opportunity for us to pursue prosperity,

      Now,she is waiting for my agreement to let her come to my city, find a job,live with me. But I should mull all the possibilities and be responsible like a man.

      This is the situation,thank you for your questions and contribution.
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    Jul 24 2013: Insights or experiences of the socio cultural background in which both of you belong to and planning to living together is of vital importance. Not sure how come insights of friends here will help you as of the diverse socio cultural background of members of this community here.
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      Jul 25 2013: Thank you for your clarity,Mr Behi,I've talked to a very pure spiritual wise man,his advice was absolutely no,I understood his point,and respect his words.But I am not that infatuated spiritually,I am more secular sided.
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    Jul 24 2013: Stop struggling, start living!

    Marriage is only a concept. If you two wish to life together, then do it. If you two wish to get married later, get married later. If you two wish to spend a period or the rest of your days together, unmarried, then do it.

    My hope for both of you is, that your society is ready to accept and respect your wishes.

    I was lucky to have been born in a time where the society in my country, Germany, had already learned to respect personal choices of living together without marriage, which made life much more easier for my generation and the once following.

    But even though, it lasted until 1992 that unmarried couples were treated equally to married couples in terms of their legal rights, but at that time only for heterosexual couples.

    It took many more years until 2006 to allow unmarried and homosexual couples to have been granted the same legal rights than unmarried and heterosexual couples, and married couples, which is the status quo up to now as much as I know about it.
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      Jul 25 2013: My country's status quo is pretty much the same as yours. I struggle all for both me and my girlfriend's sake.She is more willing then I to live together.Aside from the support both of us could get after living tother,the part that haunting me is definitely sex.For the protection of girl,and the concern of deterioration of our relationship after that,emotional connection.
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        Jul 25 2013: I am not sure if I understand your concerns right here.

        Regarding your concerns protecting the girl: What are you 'protecting' her against? Against you, who may feel uncertain if she is the 'right one' for you, which makes you hesitate to life together? Or against 'having sex' before marriage? Or sex in general?

        From my experience I can say, that having sex with the woman I love, deepens my relationship with her. But if it was about 'sex before marriage', this would only degrade a woman to a false patriarchal concept of the 'value of 'virginity', which is nothing but a double standard as it usually does not apply to males as well.

        But maybe I don't understand your true concerns, which, in case I do, you may like to clarify.
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          Jul 25 2013: For the matter of protection,in China,people accept the status quo that having sex before marriage,but deep down,people prefer hold the first time to the time of marriage.And in the eyes of almost all of us,female is more vulnerable than male,protecting female is the responsibility of male,I think.
          'having sex with the woman I love, deepens my relationship with her',I hope this applies to me as well,your thoughts is totally the opposite of the old people's who I talked to.

          I hesitate because I am afraid of making as soon as I live with my girlfriend,I can't provide the things that I intend to,I am afraid I am not ready to give her the support in the way of finance and emotion and time,etc?
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    Jul 24 2013: No, I don't think it's time yet. Please come back when your question changes to 'struggling on why I am not already living with my girlfriend.'
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      Jul 25 2013: Actully I know most of the dos and don'ts,I posed this question to expand my understanding,and people's advices,then I can be better able to make my decision.