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Should our relationship be built on All-or-Nothing and Now-or-Never concepts?

No much to explain...

How can you think of building a relationship based on

Either you do all now
Either you do nothing never

What can you do in these situations ? How would you respond to such a thing?
What could you do when all your offers have been rejected (not accepted)?

What if you had something better in store for later (if it didn't happen NOW)...?
Later doesn't always mean Never, does it? It can happen even next time.

Can it be right to make decisions based on suspicious without consulting or communicating your concerns fully?
If you have ever done such a decision how the outcome satisfied/affected you ?
Are you happy now making that decision based on untrue information?

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    Jul 19 2013: Neither life nor relationship is a simple straight line to take such straight forward decision. Being open, genuine , keeping other's perspective in mind and building trust above all communication is pivotal in keeping relationship alive.
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      Jul 19 2013: I have seen so many relationship going bad when people treat it as a glass case and tip toe around losing sleep to save it. It is better for those kind of relationships to go. Either it stays on its own strength, like you say that comes from trust and genuine understanding, or its better to be free from it.
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        Jul 20 2013: Can't agree more my friend. If it is not the situation in which both parties have ,if not equal but at least mutual interest to keep relationship alive that doesn't sustain despite of all genuine , trustworthy and communicative effort from one party. Common example of such relationship can be Teen Age Love (one sided) affairs :)
    • Jul 19 2013: Salim , thanks for your comment... I do agree that communication is very important in relationship. Anything can be built and/or destroyed in the way we communicate with each other.
      It is not a surprise that in today's world that we have all these means and devices to communicate with each other yet many people fail to keep one to one / face to face communication.

      I just wonder how misinterpreted can be one's willingness and genuine wish?

      Is it because we are filled with wrong kind of education trough madia ?
      Is it because people are more willing to believe in what they see on TV and read on Newspaper?
      Is it because nowadays no one believe in oral words, it has to be written in order to be believable?
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    Jul 19 2013: Our relationships should be built on open ended evolution. It may be unwise to be thinking too much about what shape it is going to take in distant future. So, I think All-or-Nothing and Now-or-Never concepts are not good ones to keep any relationship functional.

    As Fritzie said, we assume our relationships’ future by judging the current state of it with respect to the partner. Since people change all the time, and there is no point assigning a moral value to that change, the idea of a projected future can always be flawed.

    I think, if we are enough goodhearted and practical, relationships can still be maintained in an altered state. I know about people who are very good friends now, once wished the relationship to mature into a more romantic end (say marriage or having a family together). That they somehow couldn’t go there but chose not to part ways, to me, appears inspirationally positive and warm.

    It is possible to fall in love with two persons all at once, or feel attracted to someone while being in a relationship with somebody else. Our societies normally dab this as immoral or being unfaithful. But I think emotions emerge from subconscious which is purely unfiltered. A person in such relationship may choose to see this normal human folly with compassion and understanding or walk out of it but a better option can be changing the relationship altogether. Not, all-or-nothing and now-or-never. We can never own someone. There is no ‘happily forever thereafter’ in human relationships.

    I notice that you indicated your previous question about marriage. Marriage is not a mere relationship; it is a social contract with expressed obligations on the parties entering into it. If you have understood that marriage works on the basis of Game Theory courtesy TED community, I think you understood it not so wrong. A slight change in the rules of it can lead to very different possible outcome for a marriage.
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    Jul 19 2013: I found that mutuality and maintained mutuality on personal core values on relationship is a necessity. Anything else only postpones conflict. Suspicions, uncertainties and untrue information are clear signs to me of the absence of mutuality.
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    Jul 19 2013: Your question reminds me of the lyrics of Boybands 'O Town' and 'Westlife'.....All or Nothing.

    As a man whose 'love proposal' has been rejected a couple of times; as an actor that has gone to countless auditions, hoping for that big break; as a writer who has got so many 'Sorry, your piece does not fit our.....'; I can say from experience that rejection brings a terrible feeling.

    As much as persistence is not a strength common to a mass of humanity, the race to success and excellence is like a marathon, not a hundred meter dash.

    I have always wished I never made those decisions that were based on lies and ignorance; I've always hated those choices that were based on the desperation to 'fit in'.

    But should we be cowards and decide nothing because we fear failure? No.
    We should decide, we should strive for progress; we should make mistakes and learn from our mistakes; we should cry, wipe our tears and reach for the joys ahead. We should fall, rise again, and decide to do it better next time.

    Afterall we are human.
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    Jul 19 2013: Your question reminds me of the lyrics of Boybands 'O Town' and 'Westlife'.....All or Nothing.

    As a man whose 'love proposal' has been rejected a couple of times; as an actor that has gone to countless auditions, hoping for that big break; as a writer who has got so many 'Sorry, your piece does not fit our.....'; I can say from experience that rejection brings a terrible feeling.

    As much as persistence is not a strength common to a mass of humanity, the race to success and excellence is like a marathon, not a hundred meter dash.

    I have always wished I never made those decisions that were based on lies and ignorance; I've always hated those choices that were based on the desperation to 'fit in'.

    But should we be cowards and decide nothing because we fear failure? No.
    We should decide, we should strive for progress; we should make mistakes and learn from our mistakes; we should cry, wipe our tears and reach for the joys ahead. We should fall, rise again, and decide to do it better next time.

    Afterall we are human.
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    Jul 18 2013: Most often, thinking in black and white is wrong.

    It's all about making "maybe" decisions, based on incomplete information.
    We can be wrong... so be careful when using "never" or "always"
    • Jul 18 2013: yes that is true,

      Never offer anything for always!

      as we have become mobile, it seems everything got short life...
      maybe that is why nothing can be for always.
    • Jul 19 2013: Just wanted to add, that I avoid using such words when it comes to relationship.

      Many people say: " I will always love you" and in many cases it doesn't happen.

      I say it in different way: "I will always find a reason to love you more everyday"
      In which I direct my attention in seeing the good in the others. The rest is can be worked out without ignoring them.

      We are human, we have both sides... It makes us to be changeable objects.
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    Jul 20 2013: Hi Edwin
    You are welcome. Yes these days more ways to communicate are available but seems some or many of those also resulting communication breakdown !! Say I am having very important discussion with someone whose relationship I count a lot , right that moment my cell in pocket started ringing. Tried to ignore the call but as it continued ringing , had to pick the phone to find its a cold call from some sales people ......

    It's very common these days to see group of friends came together to someplace then everyone is busy with their own devices ....... So it does not mean having more ways of communicating does not mean to have more effective communication .... What do you think ?
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    Jul 20 2013: Edwin, I have a number of rules ... one is that I NEVER enter a high pressure deal. Limited time / next ten minutes / today only / Let me check with my manager and get you a good deal ... all get a laugh and a wave from me.

    I have two daughters. Each had a $100 dollar bill hidden for situations that said lets drink / smoke / go to bed / or what ever ... They had a option available. They used it more than once. Also I was not above confronting the boys in front of their parents, friends, etc ... The young men who dated them came to the door and I met them and knew where they were going and when they would be home. I often checked. Embarrassed the girls. I always told them I trust you and love you ... I will always be there for you ... just wave that your okay and I will leave and not butt in.

    I danced with them at the proms and many events. The boys said your dad cares. It helped that I was also their coach in one of the three sports I coached.

    Relationships / shopping / making deals all involve one thing ... do your homework. Get involved. Understand the language .... read the small print ... ask preplanned questions .... prepare for the advent of repairs ... emergencies .. maintenance .... read up ... you get the point.

    Remember: A fool and his money are soon parted. If it sounds to good to be true ... run. A emergency plan for all family situations is never a bad thing.

    I wish you well. Bob.
  • Jul 20 2013: I once had a relationship based on the answers to these questions. What I mean is that I had come across a question asked of me about truly loving, something I had never done, so I said to myself she deserves better so just do it as the Nike advert says. But this is not a concept, the answers to these questions are actions, actions with full commitment. If you do this then for the first time you really live beyond fear.
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    Jul 19 2013: I need to add something.
    You mentioned about suspicion. I think that's the worst possible pitfall a relationship can fall into. It is absolutely wrong to base a decision about a relationship on suspicion.
    I have never felt suspicious of someone whom I loved. Jealous, yes - I am limited, no hero. But no suspicion.
    I think it is far better to be betrayed outright trusting someone one loves than keeping a tab on her and remaining careful not to be cheated.
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    Jul 18 2013: Are you describing a scenario in which one person is interested in a relationship but the other person rejects him because he does not offer everything she wants immediately and also makes a decision without fully articulating her concerns before making her decision? This question might be about a personal relationship or a business one.
    • Jul 18 2013: in Business both parties enter into a negotiation room knowing what they LIKE/MUST (to) get and what they LIKE/MUST offer...
      it is clear that both wants to be satisfy with the outcome they get. which is called a WIN - WIN deal.

      in personal relationship it can be different as both parties barely know each other and can hardly guess what other person like to receive from the other side, or the other side could offer that will satisfy their needs /wants.

      how would you answer to your own question above?
      what if you were in the position of offering everything you could at that very moment and yet being rejected but the final decision was based on what you haven't actually done?

      once I asked a question to TED community, WHY DO PEOPLE MARRY?
      before that I thought it should be based on 90/10 deal, you give 90 % without expecting to get 10% ... same does the other party. but what I learned in there that there was a Game Theory in marriage as well.
      I must be the most inexperienced person in marriage as I have never been married before.

      thanks
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        Jul 18 2013: My question was only an attempt to understand what you were asking.

        People make their judgments about the viability of long -term relationships by considering their current experience with the person, the values the person shows by how he lives and his decisions, how he treats her and others, and so forth. What you say you are going to do, how you promise to change, and so forth may be considered and, if other things a partner is looking for are there, she will probably give you a chance for awhile to show what you are going to be. She will notice the actions and changes she sees underway.

        I think people judge by actions rather than believing promises. It's about demonstration rather than marketing.

        That is my experience. Others may have different ones. People will make mistakes in judgment, of course, both about themselves and about others.
        • Jul 19 2013: Good point you have got there.

          I may have one million questions that starts with "what if...?"

          My point here is... I am not quite convince that when you are not given the TIME and the opportunity to demonstrate your wishes and willingness to do what you have promised before.. Then wouldn't that make you to be the person who didn't keep his promises, and be judged based on what you haven't done?

          I am discussing a situation that can only be generalised as it can be different in many cases. I think I know that this is a though question, we learn the answers thought out life.