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greg dahlen

Alumnus, academy of achievement

TEDCRED 50+

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When I feel close to a man, I just feel close to him. When I feel close to a woman, I want to have sex with her. Why?

I'm a man, I get to share ideas and feelings with many different people of both sexes, and one feels close to some. Although I believe in theory when psychologists say we're all bisexual, I find that when I feel close to a man I don't have that strong sexual attraction like with a woman. Why?

I tend to think that no matter how close two guys are, they always feel a little competitive with one another, which takes some joy out of homosexual sex. Is it perhaps the same with two women? Whereas I don't feel so competitive with someone of the opposite sex. But not sure this is really the explanation.

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    • Jun 25 2013: LaMar, Speak for yourself buddy...
      I'm 75 and there is no wane to my sex-drive.
      Ugly and Horney. But lust just for the girls. 18+.
      A pretty girl is a pretty girl no matter how old you get.

      Of course any gal under 60 would probably run the other way.
      I can't blame them.

      My Father was almost 52 when he married the last time.
      A 19 year old beauty, and they had 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy.
      The kids as teenagers didn't treat him like they loved him.
      Kind of shows that age can make a difference.

      Friendships are fine for those who want them.
      I have two that I love. A son and a daughter.
      The rest are merely acquaintances. I don't have to love them.
      Just put up with them, until they grow up some.

      The moral climate of the US has changed from the 1950's.
      Can't say as I agree with that.

      But then there's STD's, HIV and AIDs to level the playing field.
      I don't wish any of them harm. I worry only for the children.

      My views are no doubt unpopular. But they are mine.
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        • Jun 25 2013: Jealousy runs rampant when I hear tales of frolic.
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      Jun 26 2013: Lamar, can you articulate why you've not been attracted to men, there's lots to appreciate about a man as well as a woman. Others are saying it's the fact that we can propagate with women but not with men, but since we use birth control, and really hardly ever procreate in sex, I don't think that's the explanation.
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          Jun 26 2013: well, then, why do think it's true for most men that they're more drawn to women despite the fact that in almost every case they're not going to make a baby with that woman? You can say it's culture, that culture teaches us to be drawn to women, but as you get older don't you somewhat transcend culture, you do what pleases you, and yet even the older guys go for women rather than men. Thanks for your thoughts, LaMar.
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          Jun 27 2013: I don't buy it, LaMar. I doubt we make a "spontaneous" choice of our first sexual desire, particularly for your and my generation we got many messages that boys should desire girls. Like I say, however, as we get older I think we transcend those messages and just do what we want, but even the older men mostly go for women rather than other guys. I don't buy the genetic argument, either, I think our emotions and mind transcend genetics. How do you like this argument, that we enjoy experiencing something different from ourselves, that for a guy it's not as interesting being with another guy as to be with a girl because the other guy's body is so similar, whereas the girl's is quite different.
  • Jun 25 2013: I know for a fact I am NOT a bisexual but I do have many male straight friends, and friends they are only.
    Women (lesbians), at least from my point of view, are not competitive sexually. It's not about creation it's about pleasure of the senses. There in lies the big difference.
    I will not try to figure out what men (gay or straight) are thinking, mainly because I am NOT a male. When I speak about women, I do so in a general way and from my own experiences.
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    Jun 24 2013: G'day Greg

    Of course that's not the case for all men especially gay men. I think for most heterosexual men it comes down to sexual prowess & fertility of themselves & the women, it all relates to the ego especially of the man. It is funny, once I have respect for the female I don’t have the same urge.

    Love
    Mathew
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      Jun 27 2013: Well, Mat, a man could demonstrate his sexual prowess as much with another man as with a woman, so I can't see that explaining it.

      What would be the relation of the ego to explaining this state of affairs?
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        Jun 27 2013: G’day Greg

        Fertility & sexual prowess has everything to do with the ego as men like to be noticed by men & women how sexually competent they are, there is nothing worse for a man to be incompetent & the reason they fell this way is because of the ego, it deflates the ego.

        If you think about this Greg, what would happen to your ego/self-esteem if you couldn’t get it up at all through your life, it would obviously plummet!!!

        Love
        Mathew
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          Jun 28 2013: Right, well, I'm focusing on the choice of which gender to pursue. Does it seem like a man could demonstrate his sexual prowess with another man, or no? Fertility, well, even older guys who don't want to have a child still go for the women rather than other men, any idea why?
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        Jun 28 2013: G’day Greg

        You’re a funny man, I’m not confused in which gender to pursue myself however!!

        Yes most definitely to your first question & to the last question; I think it’s all got to do with sexual prowess in still being able to get it up, it’s a mucho thing & of course most men will go for women because of their sexual choice, I never had kids myself & never had it off with other blokes for the reason that was my sexual preference plus I don’t do back strokes.

        Love
        Mathew
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          Jun 29 2013: Thanks, M. Well, prowess refers to your skills as a lover, not whether you can get it up or not. Right, the question in this convo is why we have a sexual preference, in theory it could be just as pleasant to do it with a man as with a woman, in both cases it's just a warm body, isn't it?--lovegreg
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        Jun 29 2013: Greg, without being too intrusive, is your Q a "Why" dalliance of thought or is it a serious matter pertaining to whatever that is within your life sphere or who is within your life sphere or they? I have seven gay family members in my family spread over 3 generations. Most people have only one or know of a couple, one thing i have learned growing up around them is that you are either gay or not gay or bisexual. Anything inbetween is childish indecision and cultural fear. This LBGT thing in my view is a group of people are too scared and clingy and want the world to allow them the self delusional thought ticket to have their cake and eat it as well. Call me what you want but beat seven then i'll listen. I'm not saying it's you in question, i was just curious, wouldn't theo be the right one to ask? If he hasn't posted already.
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        Jun 30 2013: G’day Greg
        I disagree Greg, sexual impotence has everything to do with sexual prowess to one extent or another, talk to someone sexually impotent & they will tell you that their romanticism to a great extent towards sexual partners has abated which is of course psychologically induced.

        You could look at this differently; I knew a bloke who had a huge sexual drive but had very romanticism about him however psychologically by the sounds of it without the sex drive this person would have been even more prosaic.

        Let’s look at romanticism in a different way; artists of all kind have been known to be romantics towards their work so being impotent here shouldn’t affect their work or would it to some degree? It’s really not an easy question to answer because it all comes down to one’s psychological state of mind.

        The following link is interesting plus quite helpful in helping those who are impotent showing natural ways in combating this disorder.

        http://www.buyp3.com/news/2/Natural-Remedies-for-Treating-Impotence.html

        Love
        Mathew
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          Jun 30 2013: Cool Link, I've had those sporadic episodes and without the details it was a blow to the ego. Stress can kill the ardor.
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          Jul 6 2013: Well, again, Mat, the question is why most people are attracted to the opposite sex rather than the same sex. In theory, wouldn't one think you could be just as attracted to the same sex, after all, you can share emotions with the same sex, you can caress people of the same sex, and so on. For example, you say you never had it off with other blokes because that was your sexual preference, so do you know where your sexual preference came from? love, greg
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        Jul 6 2013: G’day Greg

        I think it comes psychologically from fertility &/or being macho, you instinctually know you can’t have children in being with the same sex all the time so you instinctually go for someone of the opposite sex even when you’re not wanting to have children, I think our attraction is driven by maternal instinct as a whole however at times lust takes over from our instincts, jails are a good example of this.
        Love
        Mathew
  • Jun 24 2013: I suggest you start with this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testosterone

    Why men feel the way we do is still a mystery, but there are scientists working on it.
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    Jul 7 2013: I can only comment as a heterosexual man. To me, it's all about what is happening in your own head. I think most would be able to distinguish between what is attractive in either gender. The sex thing is something I think, that comes down to your own thoughts and feelings.

    Not only that but it also comes down to how you respond to the feel/touch of another... chemistry I dare say is also incorporated. There is a moment when your eye catches another and you can feel a spark.... and if you are really paying attention you can notice pupil dilation of the other which is a human response to seeing something that you are attracted to. Marketeers use this type of analysis all the time!

    Similarly there is body language that the other party uses, which will also show their interest... these signs, signals and occurances are for me very stimulating and erotic as the imagination runs wild.

    I have heard it said, that when you get to a certain age, you become invisible. I have not yet reached that age but understand the process, which for those who may not, from my understanding.... it is when you are effectively ignored or hardly acknowledged as you no longer are (as) attractive as you once were. Youth has long since passed you by and you are in your twilight years.

    Now I want to be clear that I think this is something that is very much projected from the individual in many respects. If you reinvent yourself and are interesting, engaging and full of life and zest... you are going to be unavoidably noticeable and attractive as an example to others on how to live.... well that's my plan anyway! I have met elders like this and they are inspirational and sadly missed when they do depart this worldly realm. : D
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    Jul 7 2013: Hi Greg,

    As a bloke who's had to manage cross-sexual advances since puberty .. I can say this:

    We are animals .. there is a part of the brain called the rhino-cortex .. the sense of smell is direct to the mid-brain .. and when us male persons get within whiffing-range of a female, the signal goes straight through the hind-brain into the groin. It's just pheromones .. and we learn to deal with it.
    I'm a bit surprised that you say that you get this with every woman. I don't.

    I have this other thing where there is a segment of females that make me think about sex, and some who don't.
    Then there's another level where she can over-ride the pheromone level by how she looks.
    And then there's another level where what she says makes me randy as hell - and then I'm in trouble ;)

    Hey - have you noticed how when you look at a woman .. sometimes .. some kinda magnetic thing happens.. and you get some kind of pulse that shocks through your whole body .. and then she looks at you? And it can be at a great distance? So pheremones are out, communication is out .. close scrutiny of body-shape is out .. WFT is that? I get this just noticing a woman in a car driving by .. there's something else going on .. Rupert Sheldrake gets data on this kind of thing, but gets crucified when he talks about it .. sure he's a nutter, but a good one.

    The truth is that we play games all the time - and we play to win or die .. but the game isn't the truth.

    Thoughts?
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      Jul 22 2013: well, I had thought of the smell thing, Mitch, but somehow I would think we could transcend smell too. I still think that when you want sex in theory any warm body would do but in practice people mostly want the opposite sex, and I'm not much closer to explaining it, you?
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        Jul 24 2013: It's possible to transcend.
        For instance, my wife and I met on the internet.
        So the relationship occurred without any pheromone component.
        Had we met in physical reality, I doubt if we would have been attracted enough to find out who we really were.
        From another angle, it's pretty common to hear from guys that alcohol makes women seem more attractive to them - works the other way too. But I doubt if that is an appropriate basis of pair-bonding. Possibly, it serves to mix the genes ..
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    Jun 26 2013: If we think in enegry terms, sexual forms the base sourse. Not because it`s only, but because it easy to gain.No investment of time, just have a glance and enjoy the effect. In the question of the topic starter describes that base form. As any free source of energy it`s a pleasant one. When you focused on it, it starts to drive the life just to fulfill it`s purpose.

    I know a few people totally satisfied about it. They claims this is nothing more in the world and it`s enough. But as I analysed life itself brings much more possibilities above the animal hormones life. Actually noone want to be an animal for a long time. The reason to use the free sourse of ebergy is hormones, but in modern world it could be not the best way. Actually it could causes problems. That`s why many weman change clothes for less beautiful to be more understanded then desired as an object.

    It seems strange for the first glance. But if one have a desire to raise potential, he or she friquently chooses a strategy to put direct sexual feelings aside. Except specific cases when sexuality becomes a tool or a profession, it needs to be regulated by mind to gain more hight results.
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    Jun 26 2013: Science says its a desire due to presence of male Harmones.

    Evolution say these desires are natural for propagation.

    Religions say to exercise restraint over these desires.
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      Jun 26 2013: Yes, but adesh, in today's world, with birth control, we know only a tiny number of sexual encounters end in "propagation." Therefore the desire for propagation would not account for males being drawn more often to females. Technically doesn't it seem that another man should be just as interesting sexually to a man as a woman, isn't it all warm bodies?
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    Jun 25 2013: It's biology telling you "THE SPECIES MOST CONTINUE!!!".
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      Jun 25 2013: I'm not so sure, Jimmy, because with birth control the great majority of sex does not end in the species continuing. What say you?
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        Jun 25 2013: The hormones and brain wiring do also not end with birth control. As easy as that?
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          Jun 25 2013: I just don't buy it as the answer, Jimmy, I thought of it myself, but I think we could and would transcend "wiring," and "hormones." In theory a man should be just as attractive as a woman, in both cases it's a warm body, but the woman draws my fantasy, can you think of any emotions that might explain it, as opposed to physiology? I said one possible explanation in the original question.
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          Jun 26 2013: Well, I watched it, J, but I didn't absorb it very well. Can you tell me what he is saying?

          I still maintain the same point, that in today's world, with birth control, almost no sexual encounter leads to propagation, so theoretically a man should be just as interested sexually in other men as in women, and yet they're not, and it's not clear to me why. I wonder if in an encounter with a woman a man feels more physically dominant, and enjoys that feeling; or perhaps it's more challenging to attract a woman, and thus more gratifying?
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    Jun 25 2013: It's because of a particular mix of hormone in your body you feel like that. Psychologists say that probably because irrespective of gender we carry both hormones that determine male and female. It's just about the mix. When it is predominantly towards one, the person feels a predominant kind of sexual desire. The classification of male and female anatomically is too rigid to account for the different shades between an alpha male and alpha female.
    My idea of homosexual sex is too bookish to be making any comment. But if you mean competition in the context of alpha-ness, its natural, I guess. If I am not very wrong female libido is more markedly possesive than promiscuous. But if you mean competitive in a social/behavioral context, I am not sure if I do not feel competitive in presence of desirable women.
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      Jun 27 2013: well, I don't believe the hormones argument, Pabitra, I think our mind and emotions are strong enough to let us transcend hormones. Could you answer in terms of emotions why most men are attracted to women and repelled by other men?
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    Jun 25 2013: Well even when you are with woman do you always feel sexual desire , irrespective of her relation with you / age / health / hygiene / timing etc etc

    However gays / lesbians feel differently definitely guess