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How do(did) you raise your kids?

My daughter is eleven years old now.I feel time flies so fast eventhough I still remember the first day my daughter went to kindergarten:so warm and cute...
I always keep the gratitude in my heart for the god sent me the most treasure gift to me:my daughter(although I am totally just an Atheism).
But meanwhile I being a mom,sometimes I do worry too...:worry if I miss any crisis time to support my daughter to growing up...worry what I share with her do help her or not?worry if I do try my best to take my resposibility for her or not...if I ignore sth which are very important in her growing...I know being worrying is good...But sometimes I still need to find balance for myself:)
So I would like you come to share with me your experience in raising your kids?Thanks.

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    Jun 15 2013: On Children
    Kahlil Gibran

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them,
    but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    You are the bows from which your children
    as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
    and He bends you with His might
    that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    so He loves also the bow that is stable.
    • Jun 15 2013: Ooooo...Thanks Dear adesh saxena.That's so great to have your sharing a such beautiful poem came from my favorite author:Kahlil Gibran.Once I read so many his writing about love and relationship in chinese(translation).
      And I am the most inspired by 'You may give them your love but not your thoughts For they have their own thoughts.Sometimes I expect my daughter to get the thoughts I shared with her.But most of time I failed:For an example:I have been doing meditation for more than three years.I know how it works for self-reflection...but everytime I shared with her,she never tried to do it...I tried to find any chance to share the idea with her:but obviously she isn't aware of what important it is....I told myself:I can't force her.But I really hope someday she can know and keep doing it in her life.Maybe she is still too young...or....whatever I think waiting and finding the chance to share with her is the only I can do.Because once I was angry when I told her sth about meditation she said it was a stupid exercise.Later I reflected again:It was my fault to be angry with her for it.
      I would like to mark down the paragraph:
      You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
      For they have their own thoughts.
      You may house their bodies but not their souls,
      For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
      which you cannot visit,not even in your dreams.
      You may strive to be like them,
      but seek not to make them like you.
      For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
      Thanks again:adesh saxena:)
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        Jun 16 2013: Dear

        Have immense patience and self belief. There is no role of anger or frustation here.

        Even if your child does not agree with your views, make sure she respects you for the way you chose to explain yourself.
        • Jun 16 2013: Yup:)my girl does try meditation,maybe it isn't easy for her to insist on.
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        Jun 16 2013: Have patience

        Vulture is a patient bird.
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      R H

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      Jun 16 2013: I would have liked Mr. Gibran. Beautiful and so on the mark. Thanks for that.
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      Jun 16 2013: Yes.
      Being human is the +1 priority to learn human basic values consistently, then, we are encouraged to learn to be a professional ……. in many different fields!
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    Jun 15 2013: Kids .... those are the little people that I saw around our house. One at a time they just sort of left. I was very involved.

    Edulover ... Kids do not come with a owners manual .. and each one is different. When they were young I spent the time I could with them and hoped to be a good role model while teamimg them with other good kids to play with. When they get older they will have friends .. some you can control .. and some you cannot. The best you can hope for at that point is that you instilled good values and ethics and they will come to the top.

    Even if they don't remember she is your baby and you love her ... perfect or not.

    I put a sign over my door that said .... RETURN WITH HONOR .... no lecture just the sign.

    I wish you well. Bob.
    • Jun 15 2013: Hi Dear Robert Winner:).You are right:Kids don't come with a owners manual...I know she will has her family,her friend,her life...
  • Jun 19 2013: Good morning edulover

    We encouraged our child practically from the moment she was born to take her hunger for life directly to the source, whatever or whomever that source might be. Be yourself, allow your child to be herself, a balancing act for sure!

    Our examples:

    Once our daughter started dining at the table on adult foods we served her by holding bowls of food and allowing her to take her own helping, instead of forcing some bogus parental standard of how much she should eat. She never had food issues.

    We informed her that when she felt she could stay dry during the night she could wear grown-up girl panties (which she knew were awaiting her in a drawer) instead of diapers. It worked beautifully. She decided when, without a fuss.

    As she matured we always nudged her to speak up, stand up, try, fail, try again -- doing as many things on her own behalf as she could and would. She knew we always had her back, she knew her parents each loved her fiercely and unconditionally and supported her; we just did not do her all living and growing for her. That was her right.

    We interceded only when she was unable to handle an issue.

    Some might see this as indulgence. Quite the opposite. We knew that within that lively being was someone whose quality of life would depend forever on being able to make wise decisions for herself. Today she is still lively, married, professionally adept, engaged in the world, loving, connected with family and completely at ease with making all the tough decisions.

    So, our message as parents together (later, as single parent) always was "We believe in you. You can do it." It was worlds removed from the hovering, fretting and micro-managing that appears to flavor so much of today's parenting. It meant letting go all along the way, in age-appropriate ways, so our daughter could grab hold -- of her own life, that is.

    It was not always easy, that I can assure you! But worthwhile matters seldom are.

    Enjoy every moment with your child!
    • Jun 19 2013: Hi Dear Betsy Shea-Taylor:).Thank you so much for the precious sharing:)
      I guess it should be Good evening here:).Thanks again.
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    Jun 16 2013: I know only two things really count: love and trust with the example that you give.
    • Jun 16 2013: Hi Dear Frans Kellner,Yes ,love is the most precious gift I got from my parents.And I must to say:my kid gives me a chance to really understand and experience what is the so called love,and it makes my life be whole...
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    Jun 15 2013: With love , care and freedom
    • Jun 15 2013: HI Dear salim Solaiman.:)Great idea deserves me to contribute in my whole life:).whenever I see parents can conquer any difficulty to take care of their children:especially those children got autism...or born in disable...I couldn't help saying:they are so hard it is...because life is living day after day...we happy,we upset...we depressed we adjust...
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    Jun 15 2013: What a nice question Edulover.

    I think from my experience, loving your kids is the most important thing you can do.
    And this love should be evident through loving acts.

    Good communication is important....talking about anything and everything.
    Talking with them, and not at them. I am sure, as a teacher, you know the difference, yes?

    And a good sense of humor is wonderful.
    Laugh laugh and laugh......

    And, do things tv together, cook together, clean together.

    Be fun things on the spur of the love that.

    I think that raising kids involves sacrifice........but the reward....the bond you form is so special.

    And of course, there is need of discipline......your yes must mean yes and your no mean no.
    I once read a biography, and in it there was a quote that said, "Kids are like horses - in that things go alot easier if you get their respect from the outset rather than trying to demand it after they start seeing what they can get away with."

    I hope my contribution is of help to you :)
    I hope you get more participation Edulover.....there are alot of parents on TED.
    • Jun 15 2013: Thanks Dear Mary M.:)I often play together with my daughter.We often have running competition in casual...just for character is kind of when I play together with my daughter,i like to make jokes,so she often said:hey hey,now who is daugther and who is mom?Lol
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    Jun 18 2013: Hello Edulover:>)
    I feel that my kids raised me, as much as I raised them! I perceive it as a cooperative effort on all our parts, and as with most life experiences, I took on the role of mother as an exploration...what can I offer in the way of teaching them, and what can I learn from them.

    I tried to always be open and honest with them, and guide them to the best of my ability, with the information I had at the time. There were times in their teens, when I said...."I've never been a mother before, so help me with this...ok?"

    We travel through the life adventure first as mother/children, then, because I introduced them to lots of activities (theater, music, sports, etc.) we often participated in these activities as they grew older. We skied, sailed, played volleyball, tennis, my son and I appeared in several theater productions together, etc. Our roles changed a bit as we grew together, and in their college years, I considered them more like friends than mother/kids.

    We had a unique experience after I sustained a near fatal head injury, because the roles changed again.....they were the caring, protecting, care givers (parenting) and I was in a child like state. This often happens when we age, but at that time, they were in their early 20s, and I was only 43.

    We eventually adjusted the "roles" again, and now we are back to something of a "normal" relationship whereas the parent is aging, and the "children" are incredibly wonderful (in my humble perception) caring adults with their own children and grandchildren.....and so the life cycle continues with all of us continuing to learn and grow to the best of our ability:>)
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      Jun 19 2013: Thanks for sharing, Colleen.

      My thoughts on your current messages, sometimes, life is like a big tree, a big tree which falls down after a cyclone. Sometimes life can be like grass, it also hit with tropical storm, and strong wind gone and grass sill stand up and smiles at the sun !
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        Jun 21 2013: Thank you Lamb Lamb:>)

        I can sometimes be like a tree, or grass that gets blown down in a storm, and lifts up toward the sun again....well said:>)
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    Jun 16 2013: I did, and do, allow my kid to raise himself - he is human - and I presume that since humans survived this last 200,000 years, that they are qualified to continue doing just that.

    This is not neglect - it is a very hard task of passive nurturing - he is not forced, does not have to be forced, but when he shows a need of support in his quests and endeavours - he gets all we can give.

    The hardest part is to not be an obstacle.

    He is home schooled, and without prompting has surpassed the state curriculum - because he wanted to learn.

    So far so good. There's a few years yet before we can claim any kind of success - maybe there is no true measure of that - he's alive .. he's happy.
    • Jun 16 2013: Wowowowo...that's so great:) Dear Mitch Smith.Yup:there isn't true measure of that-she's alive...she's happy...she's dear she's cute...
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        Jun 16 2013: Yes. There is a very fine distinction between education and learning.
        The education idea tends to assume that a child is empty and must be filled.
        This is not correct. A child is active and will learn quickly whatever they have motive to learn.
        These motives seem to be partly built-in, but are mostly the joy of participation and emulation of role models.
        From these motives, questions arise and explorations begin.
        All along the way is nurture - with the main goal of providing a sense of acceptance and security.
        Once the child has this base, then it becomes the foundation to support inquiry.
  • Jun 15 2013: With patience... LOTS of patience.
    • Jun 15 2013: Yup:) patiently...
      • Jun 15 2013: It's true... but you know, mine are still little. I feel like my son has only just stopped putting everything in his mouth! I find, I underestimate them often these days. They are so much further in their development than I think they are...! Sometimes I say, 'Will you stop growing for a MINUTE?! I can't keep up with you!' which they think is hilarious of course.

        To me, it keeps getting better and better as they get older. Our relationship is so solid. Having philosophical conversations or talking about dreams or singing together, watching their imaginations take them away, seeing them create, show tenderness for each other, fight and make up... all these things are the icing on the cake of parenting, in my opinion!

        I agree so much with Mary's comment, that it's all about total and completely unconditional love. Saying it, showing it, doing it. It also means embracing every emotion, which is not always easy. I try to help my kids understand what it is they're feeling, and why. I also try not to intervene when they have an argument, so they learn how to solve conflicts themselves. Finding that balance between giving them security and freedom is tricky, and it keeps changing!!

        My parents gave me a wonderful gift when I was growing up, which was, time to be alone. I give my kids this gift too. Time to reflect, time for inner-communication, to get in touch with who they are, and why they are. To feel whatever they want to feel, or create, or ponder, or daydream or simply let their minds go blank.
        It is so easy to fill a child's life with activities and stimuli, which is good, but it needs to be balanced with time for themselves.
        • Jun 16 2013: Hi Dear lizanne Hennessey:)"will you stop growing for a Minute? are growing so fast.Sometimes I do have the feeling:oh...god,my girl knows a lot and it seems I am not aware of that.I count my fingers:one two three....after six years,she will go to university.How precious the six years:)
  • Jun 21 2013: My son is 6, he'll be 7 next month.

    I try to treat him like my equal to an extent because he is a child but hes still a person, I show him that respect isnt always give and take, and don't let anyone else's rudeness affect how you treat people.
    I allow my monster some independence, he helps me food shop and shop for clothes. He dresses himself sometimes unless we're going somewhere and I already have an outfit in mind.
    I try to attend as many school events and extracurricular things as possible because it means a lot to him and just as much to me to be there. It shows that I support him. If I cant attend I explain why, he understands.
    regarding discipline, I always discipline immediately after the action, I explain to him what he did wrong, why its wrong, I answer any questions he may have about it and then I punish him, which is usually time out or I take toys n video games away which hurts him the most. Just saying something is wrong, just teaches your kid submission, we don't want that, he should always be well informed, I never inhibit him from asking questions.
    I put him in aikido to teach him discipline, that violence should always be last resort, and meditation. He loves it, and its definitely helping with his behavior in school and with his peers.
    I always find time for some me time, he has boy cousins that he likes to stay over so he'll stay with them for a day or two once or twice a month and I enjoy time to myself. I embrace play dates and sleep overs.

    im a psych major and ive taken many child psych courses, and one thing that really stuck with me is how you praise your child. Instead of complimenting them like "Look at this A, you're so smart" work on saying things like "You did a great job, Im proud" that way, if there's a moment when they dont get that grade they wont feel bad about themselves, they will feel they need to do better work.
    • Jun 22 2013: Hi,Dear Uniqea Monie:).Thanks for sharing how you raise your lovely son experience and ideas here.I do appreciate a lot and do learn a lot from you.Thanks:).
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    Jun 16 2013: Have immense patience and self belief. There is no role of anger or frustation here.
    Even if your child does not agree with your views, make sure she respects you for the way you chose to explain yourself.