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Kate Blake
Buderim
Australia

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Attitudes; share some worthy ideas of how we can change them?

We have healthy, unhealthy and harmful attitudes which are generally learnt from our parents/family, society, media, education, etc.

Good to know our healthy ones such as kindness, care, sharing, gratitude, patience, focus, etc so that we can build on these.

Also very useful to know our unhealthy ones and work towards improving and changing them.

Our harmful ones usually arise when we dwell on our unhealthy ones and allow them to consume us. Eventually this will lead to acting them out in ways that harms ourself and others.

In another conversation someone spoke of a man who slapped and racially abused a toddler! Some thought it unfair that this action - charges have been laid - should impacted on the mans employment. His employer sacked him.

A good illustration of how we can eventually act out our prejudices, often suppressed so that once they surface it can be like a volcanic eruption. We've all had this experience.

Am looking for a brainstorm about ideas of how you or others have changed your unhealthy or harmful attitudes?

Any links would be helpful also? Thanks for contributing.

Topics: Inner health attitudes behaviour change

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Greg McEachern
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Mar 8 2013: I read a book called 'Games People Play'. The book itself seemed to be confrontational in nature but in it he described the human mind as having three 'ego states' (Parent, Adult and Child). As people interact, the ego states switch back and forth, normally in a 'healthy' dynamic no matter what ego state they are each in. He called this 'transactional analysis'. When the dynamic becomes 'unhealthy' is when someone is getting hurt (a game). There is theoretically a reward for both parties as they willingly continue this game.
What opened up my eyes later in life was the wisdom that my oldest brother told me. He said "It's one thing to become a victim in life but it is masochistic to re-live the hurt over and over again". I then related what he said to the book.
As I thought about it I realized that our parents are all very concerned about the lesson of right and wrong but what is seldom taught to us is the paradox of right and wrong which is forgiveness. How do you explain that dynamic to a child without undermining the lesson of right and wrong?
But there it is. Remaining a victim of a transgression is a game. Forgiveness is the healing cure.
If we think about a model like the middle east it possibly becomes easier to see the theory; suicide bombers becoming the ultimate victim model, masochistic and heroic like a child hoping to get it's parent's approval with rewards later to come in heaven.
- Kate Blake 50+
  - +1
  Mar 8 2013: Thanks for joining us Greg, that book is 50 years old and i know it well. Glad it is still relevant today!
  
  Your brothers words are indeed very wise, and forgiveness is the only way forward!
Dorian Knus
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Mar 6 2013: It is all about motivation.
A motive. a purpose, will start the change. Not the plain willing to change.
- Kate Blake 50+
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  Mar 6 2013: Hi Dorian, thanks for joining us.
  
  Can you share what motivation or purpose helps you to change an attitude? Am asking for practical examples so that others can learn from our experiences, thanks.
  
  Just read your profile, Antarctica, are you for real?
  - Dorian Knus
    
    0
    Mar 6 2013: I needed to start my life again from scratch and I was young.
    I've could have done what was expected from me or do what I really wanted and felt.
    
    I did what I really wanted. Wasn't easy nor very profitable but I was happy.
    No have no regrets today.
    
    Yep, Antartica. Don't you ever put your real name nor info online. (May be Linkedin is OK)
    - Kate Blake 50+
      
      +1
      
      Mar 6 2013: I also did what I preferred rather than was expected and no regrets - shame more people aren't bold enough to live their life how they prefer!
      
      Once worked with a very interesting chap who did 5 seasons down there, fascinating place but I'm allergic to the cold ... Good luck with it all.
- William Colony
  - +1
  Mar 8 2013: I must disagree. Simply a purpose or motive will not make you change. But your shear will, will. There are many hidden dispositions (unconsciously acted behaviors) working in the background. Even if you have a motive or an imagined or real purpose, without the willingness to break down your limits (unconsciously acted behaviors) you will not be able to change. For instance, many people have self-defeating behaviors. They can’t get ahead although they do have great ideas as motivations and purpose, but instead they keep falling back to their old “bad” habits. Without the willingness to understand yourself and the willingness to follow through, neither purpose nor motivation alone will get you to the desired outcome.
Krisztián Pintér 200+
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TED Translator

Mar 5 2013: what about you?
- Kate Blake 50+
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  Mar 5 2013: Okay sunshine, you go first ... I'll think about it and give some ideas before this expires.
- Comment deleted
  - Krisztián Pintér 200+
    
    0
    TED Translator
    
    Mar 7 2013: i silently refused to go first
- Kate Blake 50+
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  Mar 9 2013: William says it well, get to know ourselves, how our unconscious and self-defeating behaviours can hold us back. We need persistent effort, a strong will power and an authentic mitovation to really change. Otherwise it becomes like most peoples New Years resolutions - something they intend to improve but never quite get there.
  
  Cut the silence, I dare you to share?
William Colony
- +1
Mar 4 2013: The first and foremost would be to realize that change is needed. Than to understand, that change itself is an attitude that needs to be adopted. Everything changes and evolves. Once someone understands that, than he or she is on the right track. I found this great line in a book which highlights this. “We must acknowledge though, that understanding of life and ourselves might be an ever ongoing process leading us to our own future.”
The book called: The Change Is Within You by G. Gyarmati. You can find it on amazon.
- Kate Blake 50+
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  Mar 4 2013: Welcome to TED, good advise thanks Richard.
Andrew Millington
- +3
Mar 4 2013: As you pointed out, it's garbage in garbage out at some point. I find that changing the things you pay attention to has a lot to do with your attitude. That's why I don't listen to some music I used to listen to, read some webcomics I used to read, play some computer games I used to play, etc. Your whole environment effects you... other people especially.

What you could directly is have a particular quality you want to change in mind and then start writing down ways that you can act out that quality in your everyday life. Take gratitude for instance. Saying thank you is a great way to do it on the surface, but even more can you show gratitude for someone who does things to make your life easier at work by doing things to make their life easier at work? Gratitude in particular can have an almost universally transforming effect.

I think a certain level of unconditional acceptance is the best way to help other people to open up, but it is ultimately their own choice. Of course to really be able to listen and offer unconditional acceptance you have to have a certain degree of mental health in the positive psych sense also.
- Kate Blake 50+
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  Mar 4 2013: Great suggestions thanks Andrew - gratitude is probably one of the healthiest attitudes we could cultivate!
  
  And you are right about watching our environment and daily input as it can impact on our attitudes, well said.
Anne Dagen 10+
- +1
Mar 3 2013: Our attitudes arise from experience and the information available to us. They reflect either what we think is right or what we find easy. Those attitudes are not necessarily wrong in themselves, but if we never question them, we close off opportunities which may benefit us. On this basis there is value in identifying and questioning those attitudes. Finding opportunities for new experiences can cast existing attitudes in a new light. fFnding opportunities to meet a wider range of people with a wider range of views can also open things up.

There is also a counter argument, based on the fact that our personal and moral identities express themselves through our attitudes. Someone who goes too far down the line of questioning may lose their moral compass or their reasons for living.

In the end, if we change our attitudes, it is because we find a reason to make that change, not because some other person tells us we ought to make the change.
- Kate Blake 50+
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  Mar 3 2013: Hi Anne thanks for joining us and you are so right - we will only change our attitude if we personally find a reason to change it, not because we are told to.
  
  Have never heard that too much questioning can lead to losing our moral compass or our reasons for living - can you clarify this point please? I would have thought that the deeper we dig the more likely we are to own our attitudes rather than just adopt them because society or dad said so?
  
  Reading your profile I can't imagine that you would be so easily lead ... And I have never mentioned the word 'wrong', that is your projection! I said unhealthy or harmful ...
  - Anne Dagen 10+
    
    +1
    Mar 4 2013: It's not a matter of questioning affecting the moral compass. We need outside help to recognise inbuilt assumptions simply because they ARE inbuilt assumptions. That means soliciting input from others and questioning things which we feel are right and natural. There is a balance to be struck here. It is possible for someone to go so far down the questioning route that they lose track of what really matters to them.
    
    Right and wrong are not absolutes, nor are healthy and harmful. At some point the individual has to exercise judgement which goes beyond a logical decision. The danger of questioning too widely is the risk of losing touch with the essential bit of self which can exercise that judgement.
    
    It's like looking at cakes. If there are three on a plate, it's easy to say which is the one you like most. Faced with a counter of 300 different cakes, it's much more difficult to spot your facourite.
    - Kate Blake 50+
      
      0
      
      Mar 4 2013: Much thanks for your explanation Anne, that makes good sense.
      
      Sometimes we need outside or professional help to look more logically at our inbuilt assumptions!
Gail . 50+
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Mar 3 2013: 1. Find an old-fashioned type egg-timer and put a piece of paper & pen in your pocket. Give the egg timer a twist of unknown duration. When the bell goes off, write down what you are thinking about (just the basics or title, not the entire conversation). Then give the timer another twist of unknown duration. (the unknown duration is important) Do this for at least a week, but two weeks is better.

2. At the end of phase 1, begin repeating a happy or healthy affirmation 10 or so times every time the bell goes off. During Phase 2, you are not questioning what you are thinking, but if you are thinking unhealthy thoughts, deliberately change them to attitudes that match your affirmation. Do this for at least a week as well. (No need to write them down - though if you are curious, you could)

3. Phase 3 is where you start with a fresh piece of paper. When the bell rings, again write down the nature of the thought. (Again for another week or so)

4. Compare phase 1 with phase 3 and you will see that your HABITUAL thoughts have changed. You will also realize that thoughts precede emotions, and that your emotional content is changed. And as emotions come before actions, you will see that your actions have changed. And as behaviors (actions) determine outcomes, you will see a shift in the quality of your life.

In this way, you can gradually introduce yourself to the immense power of thought - and thoughts are always under your control.

Ideas for affirmations:
I am happy an upbeat. I have a fun but gentle sense of humor.
I like my happy thoughts and automatically replace unhappy thoughts with happy thoughts
My thoughts determine the nature of my life, so I think the best thoughts possible.
etc.
- Kate Blake 50+
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  Mar 3 2013: Great constructive input, thanks TL!
Feyisayo Anjorin 50+
- +1
Mar 2 2013: Hopelessness and cynicism, these are bad for individuals and nations. Intolerance is also a sign of a bad attitude. After all, why should the world be exactly as someone thinks it should be? Intolerance, hopelessness and cynicism is also rooted in pride because someone thinks he or she has got things all figured out and has got a sure solution or lack of it.

Change starts by recognizing a bad attitude and then making persistent moves towards changing it. It is usually hard in the beginning; it gets easier with time.
- Kate Blake 50+
  - +1
  Mar 3 2013: Well said Feyisayo - self- awareness to know what's unhealthy and then persistent effort is needed to change it.
  
  You are so right about hopelessness, cynicism, intolerance and pride being questionable attitudes that will lead us to trouble.
carolyn mcauley 10+
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Mar 2 2013: lets redfine speech and thoughts as PROJECTIONS..in this way there is a mental picture,the concept of a physical effect,and so that what you think and say is not a non event. Redefining things may let some of us grasp the real time results of all actions,plus it makes a good drawing(like a star,but thousands of spikes outward.,We must start to think anew...easier said then done..It is no secret my favourite patterns are nature..it does not lead to a mythic end,nor a underground hell..itself is a self regenerating system that has little conspiring against others,takes only what they need and creates no finite poisons or toxic waste,nor does it plot to exterminate any other groups(yes there are rare exceptions,these I name the I%(just kidding,wait,no Im not)Back on topic..exchanging the myths of CHEMICAL MAN and the idea that there is a genetic pryramid of entitled to expendible,the lottery competion of scrambling for all the resources for a real pattern that everyone may witness is true would lead us out of this behavior that is so undermining.
Linda Taylor 50+
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Mar 2 2013: I follow Theodore Roosevelt's foreign policy:

"Speak softly and carry a big stick".

In all honesty, experience is the only way to truly change attitude.
greg dahlen 20+
- +1
Mar 2 2013: Well, one way is to take lemons and make lemonade. But wait, here's another saying: the best revenge is living well. When people mistreat me, instead of getting mad as I used to, I buy myself better, more expensive food.
- Kate Blake 50+
  - 0
  Mar 2 2013: From the man who has lived off milk for five years???

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