TED Conversations

Tarun Mahani

Curator, TEDx

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What should one do , if situations take control of a person's life , as in he wants to do good but bad happens everytime .

You have mixed feelings about your worries. On one hand, your worries are bothering you - you can't sleep, and you can't get these pessimistic thoughts out of your head. But there is a way that these worries make sense to you. For example, you think:

Maybe I'll find a solution.
I don't want to overlook anything.
If I keep thinking a little longer, maybe I'll figure it out.
I don't want to be surprised.
I want to be responsible.

You have a hard time giving up on your worries because, in a sense, your worries have been working for you.

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  • Feb 28 2013: Tarun.
    Today I believe it is important to remember that the game of life is rigged against all of us.
    So, when some bad or negative things happen, it isn't always an individual's fault.
    If people are honest, especially with what is going on in the world currently, it is easy to see just how true that is.
    In Amerika for example, those who will tell me anything at all, only reveal that there are many less avenues of ideas, and things to do, to "save themselves or their situation". In India I do not know the conditions.
    I haven't found talking to people of any help. They don't listen, they don't understand and they don't even try. They are judgmental, uncaring and scared to death along with being mental robots, artificially intelligent. They only speak with no real beliefs of their own any longer. I have wanted to have someone to talk with all my life and never found anyone, not through prayer, meditation, ads, going out, actively seeking friendships or simply asking someone if they would listen because I really needed it. I do talk here on ted, but there is little effect I get from it because I have learned not to get my spirits up.
    I believe most people do not really trust what it is they say they believe in. If you have one thing, that you trust with abandon, then you are all right. I have one such thing. What does it do for me? Well, since I trust, there is no sense in worrying, for something good will happen. If it doesn't, there is no sense in worrying, because something bad will happen. Am I all right? Yes. I am even though I don't like the situation, and I know this, I can't go back on it.
    I also like to believe in what I know, so that leaves out hope and faith, which are false in my opinion. They simply lead to the ever thinking what to do? and worry. Let go of care. The main definition of care is, "a troubled state of mind."
    If you have that one thing, trust it. If you worry, you don't trust it.
    Belief in a God? If you worry or are afraid, then there's two.
  • Feb 27 2013: I remember I read a mentor's dialogue between him and his india people:they told the mentor:we felt totured by current goverment's corruption and bad things happened around us.what should we do? the mentor said:don't use'we',just use'I'.you don't know what should you do?because of goverment's bad then u feel bad?now,let's see the outside of the window:can you see a flower dancing there?see it's color?shape?dancing with the wind?and it is getting cloudy..is it dangerous to the flower?yes,of course.But now we all see how beautiful the flower it is,it is there,no worrying,no fearing,just dancing freely there,a flower can have such quiet attitude to face the reality ,how can we?So learn to accept what u can't change,be what you should be...
    Also sometimes I have been confused too.But I do get inspiration from those transparent ideas in our lives,as long as I can use my heart to focus on,being conscious.A free heart is always around.
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    Gail . 50+

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    Feb 27 2013: If you were to meditate twice a day, you would see your worries dissolve.
  • Feb 27 2013: It might help to view "worry" in another context. Businesses and other organizations have essentially the same problem, but it is not so emotional. It boils down to this question: Just how long should we analyse a situation before taking action?

    You would think that big businesses would have some rational, perhaps even mathematical model to make such an important decision. Oddly enough, the decision is usually made by some technician or manager relying on his or her feelings. Specifically, it is a feeling of confidence that a proposal is sound and is the best available.

    So when you start to worry about worrying too much, you might think about a group of experts trying to develop a plan for something enormously important, like fixing a nuclear power plant accident or an incoming asteroid. Even the most important decisions do get decided. You have made important decisions in the past, and you will make even more important decisions in the future. At some point you must decide, and you must act.
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    Feb 26 2013: It's hard to give advice without specifics. In what situation did you want to do good but bad happened?
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    Feb 26 2013: Dear Tarun,
    You suggest that "situations take control of a person's life". How can that happen? We are thinking, feeling, intelligent resourceful, insightful humans.....are we not? How can a situation control us......unless.......we allow that to happen?

    How do "worries make sense to you" and how have they "been working for you"? I have not discovered any useful purpose for worry. I do not see a reason to do that to myself.

    Worry: "to subject to persistent or nagging attention or effort; to afflict with mental distress or agitation; anxious; unceasing or difficult effort; struggle; concern or anxiety..."

    Again, I ask the questions...how does worry make sense to you? How is it "working for you"? How is it helpful in any way?
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      Feb 26 2013: Actually my mind set up is different , actually all my worries of loosing something , makes me work even harder , that's how it makes sense .
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    Feb 26 2013: One useful disposition is to accept that you cannot anticipate everything and that experimentation is often an excellent approach. You can learn from your experiments and come closer over time to what you are trying to achieve.

    From your scenario you sound like you may be a perfectionist and so fearful of error that you can't try anything.

    You might try asking yourself what the worst things are that could reasonably happen from what you try to do but then also how likely they are. Interestingly, people who ask themselves this often discover that even the worst case is not that bad and that errors can often be corrected. There is another useful question- if this doesn't go as I expect, how might I correct it in preparation for my next experiment or attempt?
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      Feb 26 2013: FR , i could not believe , coz you just hit a bingo , i am sure you must have studied human psychology well .
      the problem is when you make huge goals or aims , and you try really hard to get them , then if on the way , there are certain things that you know , that you cannot get at any cost , but you are motivated enough to give up , coz if you give up , you have to give up everything and start a new beggining .

      If you want that thing really bad , then you will put everything that you have to achieve it , no matter how difficult it is for you , the problem starts to increase when social phenomenen comes into picture . this world doesn't find or let you go easy on your way . i know in such situations you have avoid everything and listen to your heart and believe in yourself , but still such things are distraction

      As you go further , assuming that everything good will happen and keep your fears away and simply be positive , then suddenly the thing that you know , you cannot get , comes into picture , and you gets demotivated .

      you were true about the fear part , that you are really feared about something or making errors , then it will be difficult for you to make the next move and you give room to the situation and surroundings to make the next move and this arrises the problem , the things happen that you never want to happen , and life will put you into the court that you were responsible for the error .

      What should be the next move ?
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        Feb 26 2013: Tarun, it is a bit difficult to advise in the abstract. That you should continue to move forward toward your goals, expecting sometimes to make missteps, is a practical approach.

        But assuming everything will turn out great if you only believe in yourself is not enough to give you excellent odds of succeeding in what you undertake. One can try something over and over, but if one hasn't learned and planned intelligently along the way, one cannot simply count on good results just because one is motivated.

        You need to make sure you are prepared, that you understand and continue to learn about the context in which you are working, and that you have ideas as to mid-course corrections and fallback strategies, look into the resources that are available to help you, and that sort of thing.

        It also DOES matter how well your goals line up with your strengths or the strengths that you could build up. I could not, for example, with my age and lack of stature, now become a professional basketball player. It is always most promising to play to your strengths.
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      Feb 26 2013: There it is Tarun.....you have your own answers!!! Good job:>)

      You write..."this world doesn't find or let you go easy on your way".

      Did anyone ever tell you that life would be easy Tarun? I have discovered that sometimes, the most difficult challenges provide the most joy.....when we get to the end of the tunnel:>) YOU ARE RIGHT....believe in yourself and don't give up because something seems challenging:>)

      You also write..."...you give room to the situation and surroundings to make the next move and this arrises the problem".

      You GIVE ROOM to the situation and surroundings to make the next move? Why give YOUR "moves" away my friend?
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        Feb 26 2013: ok , so if i think that the thing is worth getting , i should continue with the hard work , but the at the same time fear keeps me away from actual work place , that is how all the difference is made .
        and i assure you that i am motivated enough to not to give up under any circumstances .
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          Feb 27 2013: You are the only one who can decide what you "should" do Tarun. I listen to my intuition/instinct to discover what path to take at any given time. Then I use logic and reason to figure out the details. I do not look back with "worry", which is generally caused by fear.

          If fear keeps you away from actual work place, then fear is getting in the way of progressing for you? In another comment, you say..."actually all my worries of loosing something , makes me work even harder , that's how it makes sense".

          Ok....if worry (fear) works for you.....carry on! However, you are here asking a question, which suggests that it DOES NOT work for you. Are you clear with your quest?