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How do you build offline meaningful social connections?
There are many life transitions which trigger the necessity to make new friends- a geographic move, retirement, new job, divorce, etc. How does one establish meaningful friendships - relationships where you both are able to talk about what's really happening in your life rather than Facebook-type status updates?
The US and other nations are seeing an increase in the numbers of people living alone and studies are showing increased loneliness in society as a whole- it affects people regardless of age and marital status. For all those seeking meaningful social connections and stronger social ties, this is an important question. I think building social capital is very important. What is the glue that makes for meaningful social connections?
Closing Statement from Lisa Cook
I was fortunate to have the chance to share my story at TEDxMahtomedi!
Hope you'll watch my talk and share your ideas on making meaningful connections. Let's keep the conversation going!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRVjj02BxEk
Lisa Cook
Lisa Cook
To share ideas and thoughts after this conversation closes, please email me directly.
May your life be filled with meaningful social connections!
Lisa Cook
Andrew Magdy Kamal
Felipe Gallardo 500+
My advise, if I may, Create a purpose and be yourself. That works.and give baby steps one by one, don't hurry
We had people that joined us at the beginning and they left, but a great good of people keep working together and being friends. Without this common action we would have never become friends
Tom Eccleston
Scott Reil
Attend one meeting.
You will suddenly find youself connected with a lot of like-minded folk, who you are off to a good start with because they know you are one of them, on Topic X anyway...
Rinse
Lather
Repeat...
:)
Jacqueline Patterson
Theodore A. Hoppe 200+
http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html
Turkle has researched the matter and provides more than an unsupported opinion. Perhaps you can reply more specifically to Turkle's concerns.
Jacqueline Patterson
Theodore A. Hoppe 200+
Findings that " Parents text and do email at breakfast and at dinner while their children complain about not having their parents' full attention. But then these same children deny each other their full attention." does not support the position that "the world is evolving, relationships are too, and this isn't necessarily for the worse."
Turkle says, "We expect more from technology and less from each other." and then asks, "Why has it come to this?" for which the only answer is that technology is addictive and we merely justify the addiction and filter our lives through it.
Again Turkle says, "I believe it's because technology appeals to us most where we are most vulnerable. And we are vulnerable. We're lonely, but we're afraid of intimacy. And so from social networks to sociable robots, we're designing technologies that will give us the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship. We turn to technology to help us feel connected in ways we can comfortably control. But we're not so comfortable. We are not so much in control."
"How do you build offline meaningful social connections?" is the question Turkle is also asking. We shouldn't abandon technology, but need to be thinking about whether we are using it in the best ways.
"Human relationships are rich and they're messy and they're demanding. And we clean them up with technology. And when we do, one of the things that can happen is that we sacrifice conversation for mere connection. We short-change ourselves."
Tony Bones
I'd advise you to not throw chairs at people, punch them, or talk about your bowel movements. Refrain from those types of actions and wear the pirate ship hat (or something equally ridiculous) and there's no reason why you shouldn't have made at least 10 friends.
Dorian Knus
Online can help you to find people with common interests.
Less FB more Google groups.
Go out and gather.
Remember friendship takes time.
Do not filled up others with your problems from the start.
Baby steps, from shallow to friendship
Good luck
amacker b
Easy answer: move to the South. But for godsakes don't tell them you're a Yankee! Southerners are very open and easy to talk to. I talk to everyone. Ive never met a stranger. So part of this is foreign to me.
Hard answer... no, not an answer, per se, but a muddled thought... there's meeting a potential romantic partner... that i have failed at for -egads!-8 years now!! So from that angle i can see the plight of those who would rather be gorgeous and flirty in, say Second Life, then have to face real people as they really are.
I've heard the Frozen Food section in a supermarket is good hunting grounds... or a laundromat. Sigh...
Ghina Zand Alhadid
I think having common interests that are disassociated from me or the other person, openness, understanding, compassion and altruism is what build good connections in real world.
I don't think loneliness is a bad thing. In fact I believe that it is better than being involved in communities that give one a hard time. Human interaction is good to some degree, but when it starts shaping the person and taking away their originality it is not good at all.
I dont know if i am saying this because I am a loner myself. It is just how things seem to me!
carolyn mcauley 10+
Thomas Hawkins
Lisa Cook
I've been enjoying reading your wonderful comments and ideas - great food for thought! Thank you!
What role do you think chemistry and openness play in developing meaningful social connections?
There are people we meet with whom we have an instant rapport - the conversation flows very easily - and there are people we can know for years with whom that flow never develops, though we might have similar interests.
I grew up and lived most of my life in a city where it was easier to meet people with whom I clicked. Social circles were fluid - both natives and transplants were open to meeting new people because the area had a very high percentage of people moving into and out of the area. For example, my high school friends and I all left for college and none of us live there anymore.
Now I live in the upper Midwest where I find it more challenging to make close friends. Most people (70% according to Pew Research) are natives. It seems most have lived here their whole lives and their social circles go back to grade school. Transplants like myself find that most natives aren't actively seeking new connections because their social "dance cards" are already filled. :)
Transplants here typically find that their closest friends are other transplants - perhaps that's the best strategy. We have an actively growing Transplants Meetup group with 1300 members - a great start.
So I'm interjecting two factors into our thread: 1) chemistry and 2) openness and availability to making new (offline) social connections. Any thoughts?
Lisa
Pankaj Dugar
I think the answer to your first question, about Chemistry, is a bit more difficult. We often confuse chemistry with what we want to think. So, if I attend a bbq with the neighbors who are supposedly "cool", I might think I like bbq'ing and want to do it again when in fact I'd rather do something else (we do this because we so desperately want to "belong"). FB, Online chat groups give us that illusion and we can't seem to break ourselves free.
edulover learner 10+
Joe Music
The paradox I encounter living is multi-dimensional. When one has been hurt deeply, one may adopt the wall. (to protect oneself ,one thinks) There is a behaviorialist that stated people with walls are self-destructive.One misses life's pain and joy, intensity and peace, etc, when one is protecting themselves. He also said the healthiest people are truly spontaneous. (Dr. Robert Firestone). How often have you met a stranger and talked for an hour, or two ? Rumi said there are friends we haven't met.
I find face to face exchange crucial to my world. What many of us are going through in the USA, I believe is so clear.At times,it does appear to me that more people are speaking to each solely as goal oriented. A conversation of substance requires an intrinsic desire to know another. We all may get hurt or disappointed. The garden may not have as many flowers, which makes even one beautiful person stand out even more. My Mom used to bring the mailman in for coffee. I was a milkman and people actually left their door unlocked so I could put the milk in their refrigerator. Now try to find someone who looks in your eyes.
Denis Fontanini
carolyn mcauley 10+
Random Chance 30+
That might help urge one to seek the real thing instead of the phantom illusion so many fall for.
One might even be able to use social media as a method of sorting through those you meet, to try and find a real one, meaning one worth pursuing.
If they want to know your Twitter, FB accounts and so on, forget'em.
I'm not one to talk (well, I actually talk or spew too much), probably because I have never had a friend in my life.
That means no community, no one to talk to, no one to connect with. Bonding is an experience I have absolutely no idea what it feels like.
I do notice however, that when I am out there in the world, the less I think of me and the more interest I show in others, the more people gravitate to me. At the end of the day though, I feel extreme loneliness and now realize that must have been the reason for my coming here to earth. My early childhood was painful loneliness and it has never ended. Soon it will.
Did anyone see the film, "Into the Wild"? Based on a true story about a young man who had the emptiness, the broken or never connected connection, so bad that he gave up a successful school education and promising future along with his somewhat considerable inheritance, to head to the wild in hopes he would find what he needed. I don't think he really knew what it was. His travels throughout America on his way to Alaska brought him in contact with many people, from different walks of life, experiences and so on.
It struck me, that before he finally reached the Alaskan wilderness where he thought he would find what he was looking for, and in fact died a horrible, painful death from both starvation (physical) and loneliness (spiritual), he found everything he needed and was looking for in the people he met, who loved him, accepted him and connected with him, but he never recognized it!
He couldn't I guess, or he would have. That's strange.
Isolation: the cure for loneliness
Morton Bast 200+
I wish you all the best!
Danielle Boyd
Feyisayo Anjorin 50+
Now, this also happens in one-on-one interaction but the other party in this kind of interaction still has more opportunity to make important discoveries.
The key to building lasting relationships is letting go of our obsession with ourselves (which we may not be aware of) and making sincere effort to discover the world of another person.
Now, this is not easy because it cant be done by the lazy and impatient; and it cant be done by someone who has seen too many movies and expects a perfect relationship.
One would have to be careful, no doubt about that. But if you are really sincere about caring and giving and forgiveness, then its possible.
"If you believe, all things are possible to him that believes" -Jesus Christ (Mark 9:23)
Pabitra Mukhopadhyay 30+
The part of the country where I was born and currently live there is a cultural thing called 'Adda' (a Bengali word). Adda is a hangout with a difference where the central focus is discussion of anything imaginable from current affairs to philosophy. Adda is deeply ingrained in Bengali psyche such that anybody belonging to this culture will give a hand or a foot to be participating in one almost everyday. This is also looked at as a negative trait of Bengali intellect and criticized as a lazy and pompous waste of time.
However, the most intriguing part of adda is its composition of participation which is hotchpotch of genders, social status, age groups and individuals. This is a great source from where people of Bengali culture strike meaningful relationship.
Interestingly, Indian culture of festivals (called Mela in Hindi having its root in the sanskrit word Milan meaning meeting) actually started with the idea of fostering the spirit of meeting between people and communities. It is quite close to the western tradition of Carnivals but different in the sense that venues for Melas are fixed geolocally.
Joe Music
Pabitra Mukhopadhyay 30+
James Turner 10+
Kathy Ramundt
Blend Frangu
I'm wondering if the number of people I communicate with regularly in real life is outnumbered by those that I have on social sites.
But again definitely social media creates many weaker connections compared to those in real life.Anyway this was interesting post!
Andrea Morisette Grazzini 30+
What a heartening question to hear.
I'd wager a majority of people seek meaningful relations and, if not, intentionally engage them, would certainly welcome them--beyond, as you note, cyberspace.
I think there are two or three primary Qs to ask first: Why, Where and Who? Once these are known, the How?, in my view is actually really easy.
First, the Why? Why do want meaningful connections? Because I'm lonely, bored, want to step out of my normal circles, need to change companions, want to share specific activities with others interested in the same or new to the area? The answer will inform the next two Qs, of course.
Once you've got an idea of these, making the connections themselves is as easy as asking questions. Most people enjoy sharing bits of themselves, as long as they feel the other person's curiosity is sincere. In the process of dialoguing with each other, you'll discover what if any shared interests you have. From these you can deeper your discussion to orient around them in more meaningful ways. And, if all goes well, agree to stay in touch -- maybe plan to catch up at the same place sometime and continue the dialogue.
This 'technique' can be expanded to bring more people into your fold, using roughly the same process. I've found when meaningful connections occur, where both parties recognize how nice they are, they are interests in intentionally extrapolating the effect and bringing others in where apropos, to share in relationship building.
And, if for any 'breaking the ice' sounds too daunting, you might consider three more things:
First is that it is likely that nearly everyone at different times has wished to have a meaningful connection around shared interests. Second, that nearly all people feel some reluctance to risk reaching out, but someone has to 'make the first' move. And, Third: you are not only doing yourself a favor, you are also giving someone who might well appreciate it, some attention.
Andrea
Victoria Codilla
A few years ago (when I was immature), I had a lot of friends, different groups of friends that I meet in different occasions. I had fun of course, but at the end of the day, I felt so hollow. Spending so much money just to spend time with these different people and all we did were talk about other people's lives, what's the latest fashion and where the next party was. And when I was in need of someone sensible to talk with when I felt so down, I could only count a few people that I was comfortable spending time with. I had reached the point that I realized I had to be more matured in spending time with my friends. I could still be friendly and meet new people but I should also think of which kind of friendship is healthy to me.
So, yes. I have the answers to Why? - It's no longer healthy spending so much time and money for a shallow friendship who was only there when I had money or whenever I had something good to offer them. Who? - My real friends who are there when I'm happy and sad. People who truly care about me and are there to listen to my problems or just there to share sensible thoughts with me.
The answers to where and how will follow. Because of our busy or different schedules, I am already satisfied to meet with them once or twice a month for a coffee, lunch or dinner. And we get to spend a couple of hours talking about what's new in our lives and our plans to unwind the next time we meet. Sometimes, if our schedule and money permit, we get to spend a night by the beach or drinking a few bottles of beer. And at the end of the day, I know I have spent my time well with the people who truly matter to me.
Gail . 50+
If you do not have a religion, it's very hard. I know. I recently moved to a new area. I have been looking for like-minded people with little to no success.
Pabitra Mukhopadhyay 30+
At the heart of meaningful social connection is the wish to share. A meaningful sharing is applicable for things with lasting values. I do not see abundance of things of lasting values around me. You may be surprised to know that India, which is a far more populous country than yours (in fact privacy is a rare opportunity here) we are becoming increasingly isolated and lonely.
I have started to use my morning exercising sessions to go all the way and smile and say hello at least to one stranger everyday to much ridicule of my friends and neighbors.
Morton Bast 200+
Pabitra Mukhopadhyay 30+
Kate Blake 50+
Best way for friendship is to be open, sincere and honest. Like others say here the more you focus on or listen to others the more popular you become. When we engage in self focus others tend to move away. We usually prefer the company of those who make us feel welcome and comfortable, those we can talk about anything to.
Build on those qualities within and friendships will arise more easily.
Gail . 50+
I moved to a community that is almost universally culturally opposed to all of my values. Not only that, but they are downright mean to those who do not agree with their political objectives and their religion (Christian). This is new for me. I was shocked to discover it. At age 62, it's hard to imagine that I didn't know that such areas really existed in this modern world.
So I have joined groups and tried to sit in silence as they go on about god and christian values, but it is the opposite of satisfying, and these are not people that I want to sit and have a cup of coffee with. This is the strangest place I have ever been in, and I have lived in may places as well as traveled much. I've met mean individuals from time to time in my life, but never a whole community who literally hate (fear) those who do not believe in God, believing them to be spawn of the devil.
Christians here have abundant infrastructure in that churches are thriving communities that often work with other churches that are their own communities - thus forming a larger one. There is no infrastructure for the spawn of the devil, and I haven't got a clue as to start building one. How can I do that when I don't know how to reach the ostracized or even who they are?
Mary M. 100+
I have found that my intellect gets a real work out online........I am exposed to thinkers......and those who freely share their opinions and thoughts on a large scale of topics..........noone around me gives me this kind of social interaction.........I've looked and looked and looked.......sometimes I will discover someone who I can have serious deep conversations with at an odd moment as I go about my day.....but it's fleeting....and I never see the individual again.....
We have all kinds of opportunities around here to volunteer in everything from botanical gardens, to hospitals and libraries....and there are plenty of book clubs and private classes offered in small groups in private homes.
The internet can help anyone seeking these kinds of groups to find them.
I do hope that even though it's not face to face social interaction, being here and speaking to us and sharing your views with us helps you.
Keep looking............I also always continue to look. :)
Mary
Joe Music
Morton Bast 200+
george lockwood 20+