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When accusing someone, how often do we take our time to understand their side of the story?

When accusing someone, rarely we take the time to listen to them. We are almost certain they're wrong and we're right. We try to make others agree with us. But everything changes when we are the ones being accused. We want others to listen to our explanations and yes, believe us. We do understand how important is to be fair and just, but still try to avoid practicing this ourselves. Why?

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    Lejan . 30+

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    TED Translator
    Feb 4 2013: Is this the experience you made?

    Mine is different and before I am going to accuse anyone I always hear the other side first, as otherwise how should I be able to make my decisions? And so far I was always treated the same way by others. Was I just lucky? :o)
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    Feyisayo Anjorin 50+

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    Feb 1 2013: THere are still those who listen and try to see things from the perspective of the other party; even as there are those who are already fixed in their minds because of prejudice and pride.

    It depends on the category one falls in. Sometimes the intelligent ones among us fall into the latter trap: thinking that we are smart and we've got it all figured out. Sometimes the morally upright fall into the latter trap: thinking that we are upright and virtueous and better than 'others'.

    This is also a hard part and path; becasue it is not easy to believe the testimony of someone who has shown himself or herself to be a liar. And how easy is it to believe the words of a rapist or a fraudster?

    I would recommend that we keep in mind what is written in the book of Romans 15:1(The Bible) "We who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves".
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    Maryrose Solis

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    Jan 31 2013: From my experience, the behavior you described is typically a result of a desire to be validated. Every one wants to feel they matter and often times it seems to manifest by being argumentative and/or defensive and, ultimately, not fully present for the exchange.

    I am committed to practice the art of compassionate listening. It's one thing to listen to what someone has to say, but it's another to listen with empathy; a desire to genuinely want to know where the other person is coming from.

    It's not easy because my ego can get the best of me, but it helps to be aware and start with the intention. I find I come away, no matter what end I find myself in (the accuser or being accused), with an opportunity for self actualization.

  • greg dahlen 20+

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    Jan 31 2013: Cause it's harder to put yourself in someone else's place in your imagination than it is to understand your own story, as you are living your own story.

  • Hamid Raza

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    Jan 31 2013: Hello everyone, Thank you all for this discussion. A highly critical and important question indeed. I am a Muslim, proud of my faith, one who likes to speak with insight and upon solid grounds. I like to know my audience before addressing them or even criticizing if necessary. Criticism is important because it opens the platform of questioning and understanding. However, you are right, education is needed. For example, if I was to speak about another faith like christianity and criticize the trinity, I must do that with proper insight, having proper knowledge of the other side and audience. At the end our job is to make evident the truth.

  • Doug Watson

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    Jan 31 2013: Sean Covey's "7 Habits of highly effective ______" has one chapter with the underlying message, 'Seek to understand before being understood' with the message in this chapter you can apply thoughts from "The Art of War" where you should know your enemy. I believe you have a better chance of getting your point across if you see what the standpoint of who you are accusing, then assessing the situation proceed to accuse or not accuse as you seem fit.

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      Jan 31 2013: 7 habits of highly effective people". Yes i have read it, but there is more to the way you react than just reading.
      I do agree with what U've written though ..

  • Mary M. 100+

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    Jan 31 2013: Do you find yourself in arguments where you will not listen to the other side?
    or do you consider yourself to be a good listener, who is consistently misunderstood by others?
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    Gail . 50+

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    Jan 31 2013: You said: " We do understand how important is to be fair and just, but still try to avoid practicing this ourselves. Why?"

    I think that, in part, the answer to your question lies in your choice of the word "We". You take many assumptions for granted. Just because something is real for you, does not make it real for everyone.

    "We" live in a fear-based culture (whether your personal worldview is fear-based or not). Fear motivates those who do as you suggest to do as you suggest.

    • B B

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      Jan 31 2013: Dear Ted, I don't suppose that it never happened to you. To act in such a way I mean. Obviously there must have been times where you didn't care what the other had to say or you just didn't want to listen to them at all.
      Being able to listen to the other one is a "gift" that comes with the way you are brought up, education, and of course life experience.
      If you are a listener then good for you ...
      Our society needs more people like you.
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        Gail . 50+

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        Jan 31 2013: I have the advantage of years. It was a hard lesson to learn and learning did not come without practice, nor without great effort. I was unable to think this way when I was younger. I was the product of my inexperience. Still, I am not perfect and don't mean to suggest that I am. But, having seen my own perfection, it IS now possible to see the perfection of others, regardless of what is going on in their lives. This leaves me unable to see "guilt" as it is understood today. (This said, I'm still evolving and will forever be.)
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    Farokh Shahabi Nezhad 10+

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    Jan 31 2013: Because of pride,humans like to win, in any way. In a discussion, in a argument or even in the silliest fights. They maybe lose lots of things in the progress but tuey don't care as long as they win.
    All of this comes from the pride, humans like to judge, win and they don't think of that situation for themeselves, because they thini they are better that the others.
    Pride is an ugly thing and source of many many proboems and bad habits.
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    Mathew Naismith 10+

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    Jan 31 2013: G'day BB

    I agree with Fritzie in depends on a lot of factors but some people who are more ignorant & arrogant have a higher tendency not to listen to others I believe.

    So the big question is am I arrogant at times & the answer would be a yes.

    Love
    Mathew
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    Salim Solaiman 50+

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    Jan 31 2013: If that understanding is there then the matter of 'accusing' shouldn't exist.....

    "if one points one finger to someone, at least 3 other fingers point to whom"?

  • george lockwood 20+

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    Jan 31 2013: Does it really matter?
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    Fritzie Reisner 100+

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    Jan 31 2013: BB, I think there is not a consistent "we" in this. Some people suspect and accuse others quickly, and others don't jump to such conclusions quickly.

    People may be more likely to jump to conclusions about people who have deceived them in the past or have shown themselves not to be trustworthy.
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