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What impact do you imagine if positive recognition and appreciation were expressed in the ~home~ in a public way so others could see?
Positive recognition affirms us. In a family, where we come from - what impact do you imagine positive words of recognition and appreciation for: the efforts we make, things we do, or who we are, can have on a family, an individual, and/or a child?
IF you feel like taking this one step more ... assuming you have concluded that it would be a good impact, how do you imagine it would affect the future of that person?
Is positive recognition and appreciation a powerful thing to you?
Tim Petersen
positive recognition....
they are both equally powerful.
they both will positively determine what you create by enforcing either one.
Parents, educators, friends and family, please think this through.
Elizabeth is correct in keeping this solution alive. It is no longer a hypothetical solution, dual tests, the facts, and the results are in. now we have to find the patience to strictly and exclusively administer positive reinforcement, perhaps, return to multiple mothers for our children s health, and the future of our species.
Tim Petersen
Tim Petersen
This has been a wonderful idea to think of, but ion a society that controls through fear and intimidation, positive reinforcement would create a healthy population, and they would be much to difficult to control. We have to continue destroying the individuals through corporeal punishment , shaming, ridiculing or we lose this population of haters which keep everyone divided and judgmental. Why, if everyone was healthy and balanced we might see where this road ios leading us, and maybe then we would not even have use for an armed military, or government.
elizabeth muncey 10+
Elizabeth Spitzer
Yep I have read Petrushka Clarkson. :-) However, I have not heard of Transactional Analysis. I will have to look into that.
I enjoy reading your insights. Thank you for sharing. :-)
I have to think about your comment, "A teenager who has received quite a bit of positive recognition is actually potentially less resilient when the challenges arise." Actually, I think for me I will have to do some research and pose some questions to those that I know who work with foster youth and do counseling. The part of me, that sees the better side of things, is leaning toward the thought that being able to look at life with a positive outlook, through nurturing and self-teaching, may be more resilient in the long run.
However, I could be mistaken. :-) Or, I could be right. Funny thing about people, we are such a kaleidscope!
elizabeth muncey 10+
carolyn mcauley 20+
Colleen Steen 500+
I am sorry that you had a challenging experience as a young person. I had a violent abusive father, and I learned from him how NOT to treat people. So in addition to empowerment, which I received from my mother and 7 siblings, I also got a taste of disempowerment from my father.
Remember....we may not have had a choice as children. However, as thinking, feeling, adults we DO have choices regarding how we use the information we received as children. What we experienced may not have been empowering, and with awareness, which you seem to have a great deal of, we CAN change.
I don't perceive you to have a "flawed" view of life. It feels like you have a realistic view of life based on your experience. With your awareness and insight, it may be possible to create a "new" view? What was part of our life as children will always be part of our life experience....AND....we can use that information to create a new perception.
For what it's worth, I perceive you to be already past any "meaness". If you had any meaness, you wouldn't be allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your honesty. I respect and admire that very much:>)
Elizabeth Spitzer
You said something that stirs me greatly, "how are [those who feel inspired by the goodwill of their spirit?] able to lure [others] into change,when the evidence for this kindness being advantageous is not apparent within any major system...or is it? " Your question is what haunts me. And, I hope that I can spend my life carefully,wisely, and with sincere intent, trying to find a way to help answer that question.
You Carolyn, are re-writing your story as you work through your past. No longer should it be said that you were this, or that ... You are now. A woman of strength and courage. A woman of hope and vision. Your experiences helped to created a rich tapestry of life, there are shades of black, grey, and red, but now you are adding yellows, blues, golds, and greens too.
I wish you the best Carolyn, and may you find wealth as you continue along your amazing path. :-)
Sean Brother
Isabelle Morgan
Colleen Steen 500+
We can do the "lip service"....simply say the words with no underlying meaning. Or we can say the words with genuine, authentic meaning. Do you think sometimes it is HOW we do or say something as much as what we do or say?
I tend to think/feel this is true, and we can "feel" or intuit when a person is simply saying the words or being genuine/authentic.....don't you think?
Isabelle Morgan
Isabelle Morgan
Colleen Steen 500+
Isabelle Morgan
Colleen Steen 500+
You may be right...."in theory":>) However, in reality, I didn't experience any monetary compensation of any kind....no travel benefits. Yes, workshops and training, which I traveled to on my own nickel:>)
I agree....there are many layers. The volunteer positions I've held were/are not always with "special needs people". For example, I am now a member of the regional planning commission, regional project review committee and transportation advisory committee, have served on the local planning commissision, development review board, and various other land use boards.
I am interested in land use and our environment as well as people. After all, how are we going to have healthy people if we do not have a healthy environment to sustain us? These positions do not provide any monetary compensation either. They did provide more opportunities for me to learn, grow and evolve AND contribute to our community at the same time:>)
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Colleen Steen 500+
I share the feeling you express when volunteering. It is a great opportunity to learn and grow as an individual, while contributing to the flow of the whole:>)
Elizabeth Spitzer
Elizabeth Spitzer
Thank you for sharing, especially your experiences with how people have assumed that providing words is enough to 'take care' of others. While words can heal, sometimes it is the gentle hand resting on the arm, just letting the person know that they are there to listen, or just 'be' with them, is where the real need is.
Thank you for pulling back that curtain for me. :-)
carolyn mcauley 20+
Colleen Steen 500+
I like that.....I will create as I speak!
We all have the ability to contribute to, and support others with each and every interaction, and by supporting others, we are contributing to our "self" as well......what goes around comes around?
An example:
Many years ago, I became aware of my thoughts on another level. You know how, in every day interactions, we may see things that we like? A scarf, clothing or jewelery on someone? A hair style? Shoes that we like? Words that we hear that are meaningful to us? So, I'm often thinking.....that is really attractive....that person looks wonderful.....that person says something really meaningful.
Well, I started speaking my thoughts more. When I see or hear something that impresses me in some way.....I tell that person. Sometimes, someone says something that infuences me, and I don't realize it for a time. I send them a note reflecting my appreciation for what they said.
I also became more aware of this idea when I regained consciousness from a near fatal head injury. I got many cards, letters, greetings, good wishes from a lot of people....often starting out with.....you probably don't remember me but years ago you said something to me that changed my life!!! I wasn't doing or saying anythinig special.....just being kind and respectful.
Our words mean a LOT in every moment, and we have the ability to contribute to each other all the time. So, your recognition of "create as I speak" is so very relevant to this topic Carolyn.....thanks:>)
Colleen Steen 500+
Positive recognition, appreciation and reinforcement make a HUGE difference in the life experience of a person. As you say....it affirms us....it strengthens us with confidence and self esteem, and it often impacts our entire life experience. I am grateful to have had very positive reinforcemsnt as a child, which I believe has contributed a great deal to my life exploration.
I do not have to "imagine" how it affects a person....I experience it in every moment of my life adventure. I learned that there are no "mistakes" or "failures" in the life adventure.....there are opportunities to learn, grow and evolve. This has given me the strength and courage to face challenges with confidence. As a human, there are often doubts, questions, fears, and insecurities at times. And underlying all that, I realize the foundation I received as a child...the positive recognition, reinforcement and appreciation, which supports my exploration of life with curiosity. I perceive it to be very powerful.
I have worked with people who have been victimized, and also with incarcerated offenders. These populations are insecure, low on self esteem and confidence, which is why they often cannot make the best choices in the life experience.
Elizabeth Spitzer
Thank you for taking a moment to share with me, and with others. I too have seen some of your other comments, and have found your input to be like a fresh breeze. I am glad you wrote in response to my question. :-)
You mention that you work with populations of low confidence, etc. Do you think that if their home had had a tool to communicate authentic appreciation or positive "I see you ..." (i.e recognition), it would have been used? Is it possible for people to be so 'broken' with pain and anger (maybe even hate) that such a tool would be considered a 'joke'?
Do you think that if one person in the home could imagine the possibility of change, with hope, and used the tool to communicate to the others in their home, that it might make a difference? Even if it is just a ripple?
Or, would even the hope feel like being vulnerable and to be vulnerable is to be open to further pain and disappointment? So in the interest of preservation and self-security, they reject such an idea?
Look forward to your insight. :-)
Colleen Steen 500+
I want to clarify that my interactions with populations seemingly having low self esteem were volunteer positions, rather than my "work". I mentioned in a previous comment that I had positive reinforcement as a child from an unconditionally loving mother and 7 loving siblings. We also had a father who was violent and abusive, so I got to learn from the best of both polarities.
As a person who lived with domestic violence, I wanted to learn more about it, and also help support those experiencing it, so I volunteered in the women/childrens shelter and family center. After volunteering there for a couple years, hearing the same stories repeated over and over again, I decided to volunteer with the dept. of corrections and offenders of domestic violence...for about 6 years. I also had a short stint as a case reviewer with SRS (the agency which oversees kids in state custody....mostly because of violence and abuse in the home).
One thing that was obvious, is that we were seeing the same families going through all of these systems for generations. So, to answer your question, I believe violence and abuse is a learned pattern of behavior, and if that cycle can be broken somewhere along the way, then so many people in our world would not be as "broken". There are a LOT of wounded people in our world, as I'm sure you know.
Some of the "tools" we offered....like showing respect, consideration, kindness, compassion, empathy, etc., are so foreign to some folks, it's difficult to get them to accept them. However, there IS hope, in my humble perception, IF the message comes from various segments of our society. You know....the more we see, hear and experience something and the more familier it is to us (humans) the more possibility there is of change. Yes, I believe that one person can start the ripple effect.
Colleen Steen 500+
Just as violence and abuse are learned behaviors, I believe kindness, respect, compassion, and empathy are learned behaviors as well. When we reinforce and support these behaviors, there IS a chance of change. Some beliefs and perceptions need to change in our world before that can happen, and I believe it is happening.
For example, I'm involved in another TED conversation, where a person is insisting that the way females dress, and females being in the wrong place at the wrong time is the reason they are raped. For example, years ago, and still in some cultures, it is acceptable to beat the wife. If people have been brought up with these beliefs, it becomes their "truth". To contemplate change, for some people, may feel very vulnerable, as you insightfully recognize.
That is why I say that the idea of change needs to come from all segments of our society. Medical professionals, social services, educators, law enforcement and as many people as possible in our communities. We all need to support and encourage genuine empowerment rather than the behaviors and words that disempower. We also need to reinforce the idea of "choice", which, in my perception is empowering.
The members of families I interacted with often said....."this is how it is"....."this is how it's always been"....."can't change it". I think it's important to introduce and encourage the concept of choice. I had a father who practiced and taught violence and abuse. I had a mother who was unconditionally loving, and I had a choice regarding what behaviors I wanted to embrace in my life experience. There are many people who break the cycle of domestic violence by making different choices, and we need to empower people to realize that THEY CAN make their own choices. As children, we may not have choices. As thinking, feeling adults, we DO have choices.
Elizabeth Spitzer
However, since we are on the internet I will be more brief. You shared words very similar to what my husband was sharing in our kitchen, trying to re-focus me. Thank you for affirming him, and me.
Colleen Steen 500+
"One of the great difficulties in the new order of thought is that we are likely to indulge in too much theory and too little practice".
(Ernest Holmes - "The Science of Mind")
We can talk about theories FOREVER! Information regarding the benefit of positive recognition, appreciation, respect, compassion, etc., has been given to us by sages, psychologists, teachers, gurus, etc., from the beginning of humankind. It makes a HUGE difference in our world, and many times we are not paying attention. WHEN are we going to put into practice, that which we KNOW in our hearts? Not only is it beneficial to the person we are interacting with....it is beneficial to our "self" as well. Why would we NOT "do" it....and....."be" it in every single moment of our life experience? Why is this the year 2013, and we are STILL questioning if positive recognition and appreciation has any effect on people???
Simply being totally present with each and every interaction sends a message of recognition and appreciation. Thanks for being my sounding board this morning:>)
Tea with you would be lovely, and we may be talking so much there would be no opportunity to sip the tea! LOL:>)
carolyn mcauley 20+
Sean Brother
pat gilbert 50+
I would say giving a kid a false sense of worth or esteem is as bad as a false sense of low self esteem.
Elizabeth Spitzer
I appreciate your perspective. Everyone who has commented is giving me great stuff to think about. Thank you. :-)
pat gilbert 50+
Elizabeth Spitzer
I am blessed to have a psycho-therapist for a mom and she has a breadth of experience; from family counseling, marriage counseling and working with youth inside of our military bases (worldwide). I mentioned to her the views of yourself, and Bob, and she concurred. The language is the key: praise vs appreciation. Praise vs 'positive' recognition.
Praise is defined as: to express approval or admiration of; commend; extol (verb).
Appreciation is defined as: gratitude; thankful recognition (noun)
Recognition is defined as: the acknowledgment of something as valid or as entitled to consideration. Or, the acknowledgment of achievement, service, merit, (noun)
(footnote on definitions. there exist more than one, I chose these to be most applicable ... :-) )
I suspect that you, and the others, worry about unearned and misplaced praise. My mom admits that this IS becoming a problem in our youth and it is leading to social development problems, which may or may not translate into their adulthood. It is something that is growing in our workplaces too. Or, as someone else exampled, our volunteer programs.
My questions rests more on the words: appreciation and positive recognition. They seem to define: that a person has evaluated, or considered, the action, or person; determined it, or them, to have earned, or been found worthy of, expressions of merit. I believe that is why appreciation and positive recognition can be so powerful. Perhaps we intrinsically know that to receive those expressions, it has been determined to warrant such expression.
What are your thoughts?
PS
I think of Pavlov a lot ... especially with trying to bring up kids! What follows what ... :-)
pat gilbert 50+
I prefer to think of it as an acknowledgment or a reward. It reality you control people with the acknowledgment. If someone is not willing to do something he is not going to do it. But if you treat them with respect and understanding and good communication they will climb Mount Everest for you.
The key I think is to acknowledge the act or accomplishment. The danger is in acknowledging them for just being there or praise for nothing.
This actually is quite ubiquitous, a few examples:
Getting paid for being there and not what you produce. Getting paid time and a half for being there longer and probably because you were slow. The pay is the acknowledgment but not for production as it should be but for "being there"
Sports without keeping score. The acknowledgment is for being there not for winning. Life is a game and there are definitely winners and losers. Learning how to win is one of life's most important lessons. And the academics say sports are superfluous, when I look at them I can see why they say that.
Welfare and unemployment extension. The acknowledgment is for being non-productive. Let alone workers comp or disability. The country is turning into a bunch of marshmallows.
If I guy comes up with a great invention that raises the standard of living of everyone he gets taxed to death. The acknowledgment is not only if you are dysfunctional we will take of you but also if do something excellent we will punish you.
If you stand out from the collective also know as peer pressure we scorn you. The acknowledgment is scorn for not fitting in, so the collective has stated that there must not be any prejudice of any kind. The problem is that this has gotten to the point that you cannot evaluate the value of anything as this can be interpreted as prejudice. The problem is that this makes people stupid as one of the primary requirements of intelligence is the weighing of things.
Colleen Steen 500+
Your exchange started with Pat's comment...."I would say giving a kid a false sense of worth or esteem is as bad as a false sense of low self esteem."
I agree with this statement, and everything you both have written, as this perspective evolved. I also agree that a sense of entitlement is emerging in our culture....perhaps based on the fact that kids are given a false sense of worth, and are not required to put any effort into the process.
This seems sometimes difficult to balance, because we want to encourage and support people in the life journey, and let them know that they are valuable without "weighing of things", as Elizabeth says, so sometimes we may go overboard with praise and forget to reinforce the piece about cause and effect? Actions and consequences? If we consider these elements, which I think are important, there IS a "weighing" process, by which we consider the "value" of something/someone.....yes?
My perception is that we can offer each other all the elements with respect, appreciation, consideration, authenticity and honesty. I believe that we can incorporate all the "tools" necessary to support balance......WHEN we are genuine, authentic and honest....which, of course is another "tool" we can pass on to others:>) What do you think?
pat gilbert 50+
The government has perverted the culture to one of entitlement.
As I stated earlier the key is the acknowledgment and the examples I gave.
And the key to that is acknowledging the accomplishments not the person.
A big factor is that the free market forces in objectivity not subjectivity as then the individual attention is extroverted rather than in the case of the entitlement introversion. Extroverts have their attention on the objective which puts them at cause introverts have their attention on themselves which puts them at effect.
Examples of this are ubiquitous:
Hollywood is filled with the Paris, Lindsey, Kim types who are addicted to attention which puts their attention on themselves and puts them at effect which is the primary reason they auger. This is the primary malady with all of the child stars who become effect through this simple mechanism
The current POTUS is also effect through this mechanism.
The movie Spinal Tap a parody of rock stars and how crazy they get with this addiction to attention and being effect. In one scene one of the musicians was very insistent that they have M&M candies of only a certain color in the dressing room.
Colleen Steen 500+
I agree that culture, and what is accepted and/or rejected by the culture certainly influences behaviors within the culture. I do not agree that the government has, all by itself, "perverted the culture". After all, we, as citizens are part of the government.....yes?
I agree that it helps to seperate the person from the accomplishments, and that is a difficult perception to embrace, although very possible:>) My mom always said....love the man...hate the behavior.....so as a child, I learned to seperate the behavior from the person. It is not, however, an easy concept to embrace if one is not regularly exposed to it. We, in our society, can certainly continue to encourage it:>)
I do not agree with your perception of extroverts/cause...introverts/effect. I believe those who exhibit extrovert OR introvert behaviors can ALL experience the concept of cause and effect. I personally tend to have BOTH extrovert AND introvert behaviors at different times in my life, and I can tell you that the lesson of cause/effect/consequence was firmly taught to me, understood, and embraced as a child:>)
pat gilbert 50+
The introvert/extrovert thing is specific to the subject. E.G. Celebrities are obviously extroverts but but their attention is on themselves.
Your disagreements are duly noted.
Colleen Steen 500+
I DO understand what you are talking about....I have read MANY of your comments:>)
I take responsibility for MY PART in the government process, and that's all I can do. It doesn't really help to talk about what everybody else is doing....nor is it relevant to me to try to determine where celebrities attention is focused. We do not KNOW what is going on in the mind and heart of other individuals, and anything we try to project is simply speculation.......in my humble opinion:>)
I sincerely hope that my AGREEMENTS are duly noted as well:>)
pat gilbert 50+
The most evil there is is collectively or individually complacency. I know this does not apply to you as your efforts in this area are remarkable.
Other than that I will agree to disagree except on what we agree upon which is duly noted as well.
Colleen Steen 500+
Thanks for your kind words, which are duly noted and appreciated:>)
Robert Winner 50+
1) Please explain "..in a public way so that others could see it."
2) We all seek affection and approval. Yes that is a good thing in comparission to the opposite.
What your statement suggests is that we as parents or family members promote our kids in a one-upsmanship contest with other families children. In a school of hundreds only five or so become cheerleaders ... not everyone makes the deans list ... not everyone is on the student council ... etc .... and only one or two would make all three.
I do not want my kids compared with yours or anyones. I know and accept my kids strenghts and weaknesses and we applaud their successes and work to turn failures into wins. I want to build confidence not arogance.
If I misunderstood your statement then please explain ... ".. in a public way ..."
Bob.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Elizabeth Spitzer
Second, I am always interested to learn how people can perceive things. When I said, "...in a public way" I was thinking of something very much like how Fritzie described it. I can recall a few moments, and they were very few, when I was young and my mom would share in front of my many brothers and sisters a good thing that I had done. It always made me feel a quiet sense of pride. Why? Because one, my mom felt moved to share it publicly and two, because my brothers and sisters got to see what good I did. I was 'seen' for just a moment by everyone. Interesting thing is - here is it 20 odd years later and I can still 'feel' that moment, even if it is just a shadow of what it once was.
My intent is not to create comparisons. Every person is valued. Every person is important. How many people know this though? How many kids know this? I like to imagine that when we feel that we matter, we feel confident. :-)
I was curious to learn other people's opinions because I know that I am just 'me' and not everyone thinks like 'me'. :-)
Fritzie Reisner 100+
You might know that Theresa Amabile of Harvard Business School is one of the leading researchers into ways certain types of extrinsic motivation and feedback (such as praise) can affect creativity in positive ways (as the research, generally speaking, suggests extrinsic reward reduces creativity).
Elizabeth Spitzer
Teresa does a lot of research for the corporate world, which is highly valuable for me, however, from the research I have done over (which is sporadic because of ... life. :-) ) I have not found too much about family. Do you know any publications on family studies?
Fritzie Reisner 100+
You best bet would probably be Psych Abstracts.
greg dahlen 20+
However, I've lived without positivity, and lived with criticism, for so long that I'm okay with it. I guess I believe in myself, and that probably is the first place you have to start. Didn't Whitney Houston sing a song about that?
Elizabeth Spitzer
It takes strength to share what you have shared. I hope that you can feel good about your willingness to be open and honest with me.
Please allow me to share this with you:
"Greg, for taking the time to write a comment and share a bit about himself with me. I am grateful for your feedback and your honesty. You have courage. You have sensitivity. - L"
May you be extended an unexpected expression of kindness from someone you love.
greg dahlen 20+
It's also funny, if I complain say to my mom about never saying nice things to me, she just doesn't change. What does one do then, because one doesn't want to look like a complainer, you can complain a few times, but if the person doesn't change, what then?
I think you're terrific for starting this conversation. How did you come to this idea?
Atul Jadhav
Elizabeth Spitzer
Thank you for sharing such clear and honest words.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Elizabeth Spitzer
Thanks for being a great host Fritzie.
Sean Brother
Elizabeth Spitzer
Sean Brother