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Maral Honarbin

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Does self compassion help self esteem?

There is no doubt in my mind that self esteem helps you suceed in life and will no doubt bring more happiness. But achieving slef esteem it seems is the one of the biggest issues of our society. I have been across situations where self esteem has been confused with self importance -- are they the same?--

For someone to have self esteem, they must esteem their true unique, and flawed self -- not a puffed up delusion of who they think they are -- their ego fueled by self importance.

Real self esteem can only come from self knowledge and personal development. But what about self compasison? does that help? is that a step towards getting the self esteem we all need in life? Does having self compassion mean pretending or trying to be who we are not to feel better about ourselves? Isn;t that the same thing as having no idea who we truly are?

Topics: happiness self esteem
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    Feyisayo Anjorin 50+

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    Jan 22 2013: I'm not very familiar with self compassion; but terms and jargons are not that important. What is important is that we accept ourselves, our flaws, inadequacies, talents, experiences, background and peculiarities.
    Then it is important for us to work on aspects of our life that needs improvement, and to keep strengthening our strength.

    We should also know that other people are peculiar in their own ways.
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    Maaher Sayeed 10+

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    Jan 20 2013: Self compassion is essential in order to have a realistic self esteem I think. But both need to be excercised with balance. One need not beat themselves up and one should try not to be arrogantly ignorant about self.

    Your potential is beyond your self esteem: http://despicablewonderfulyou.wordpress.com/2013/01/17/your-potential-is-beyond-your-self-esteem/

  • Maral Honarbin

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    Jan 18 2013: here is my problem with self compassion, or I better state too much and excessive non necessary self compassion. Not being too hard on ourselves and not beating ourselves up for the mistakes we make is one thing, but how about not learning from them? and just forgiving ourselves and keep repeating the same pattern and getting lost in a loop that we cannot even get out of. and yet believing in ourselves when we truly shouldn’t. That is my problem with self compassion and false self esteem.

    Now a days people have an excuses for everything. For instance for every false behavior. Everything is called to be a medical condition, and the cure sadly has become purely medication. No one fixes anything. That to me, is self compassion gone wrong.
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  • greg dahlen 20+

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    Jan 18 2013: I suppose compassion can be more or less healthy. It's important in life to always do the best you can, to not shrink from challenges, to take some risks. If everything you do isn't 100% successful, then you can still say well I tried, those were hard situations.

    On the other hand, just giving up without a fight would be taking it too easy on yourself, in this case your compassion for self wouldn't be healthy.
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    Gail . 50+

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    Jan 18 2013: It is my opinion that those with high self-importance are severely lacking in self-esteem.

    Self-compassion is an integral part of self-esteem. But when I say "self-compassion", I do not mean making excuses for self in order to avoid accepting responsibility for actions. I mean not judging self so harshly that it closes out opportunities.

    If you treat yourself with the same compassion that you treat a two-year old child who is learning his/her way around the world, you will not be so harsh on yourself when you make what you perceive as mistakes. This allows you to learn from mistakes, just as a child learns from his/hers and goes on to bigger and better challenges. As you do, your self-awareness blossoms and healthy self-esteem is the consequence.

    If you are too harsh on self, you will live in a fear-based world, and it is from fear that people develop an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
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    Krisztián Pintér 200+

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    Jan 18 2013: i don't agree with the opening statement. particularly:

    "self esteem helps you suceed in life and [...] bring more happiness"

    i think it is a myth. it just comes from the fact that successful people are more happy, and if you are successful and happy, you tend to have self esteem. but you can not reverse that. similarly if you are healthy, you will have a healthy skin color, but makeup won't heal you. cause and effect should not be mixed.

    "achieving self esteem it seems is the one of the biggest issues"

    according to those that fall in the above mistake. according to me the biggest issue is to find your place, find your talent, find your way, find your balance. do valuable things, make right decisions, and acquire necessary knowledge. through these, achieve success, have a life that you can be proud of. having self esteem without these is the most harmful thing.
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    Kate Blake 50+

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    Jan 18 2013: Interesting ideas Maral, and Fritzie beat me to it - ran out of thumbs up for you Fritzie.

    I prefer the term self-worth, and agree with the way you've phrased it and your ideas around it. Pride, ego, self importance are hinderances in that search for self-knowledge and personal development that you mention.

    Compassion, or kindness, is accepting ourselves with our flaws whilst constantly working to eradicate them. And that takes persistent effort, never slacking off because our unhealthy habits are deeply ingrained. I also believe that until we do the work on ourselves, acknowledge our flaws and really work on them - not just in New Year resolutions or straight after an outburst (anger, greed, jealousy, etc) - helping others is often motivated by self-interest for kudos or brownie points.

    So yes, kindness to ourselves and a healthy self-worth enable us to contribute in a more responsible way to making those around us happier, and when they're happier so are we.

    And do we ever know who we truly are? Maybe some of us have more idea of our purpose for being here but truly knowing who we are ...
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    Fritzie Reisner 100+

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    Jan 18 2013: I don't know if "self compassion" is a term of art with a specific meaning in some therapeutic settings or in popular culture, but if I consider only what the term seems to mean by the words from which it is constructed, it sounds like not beating yourself up excessively over the mistakes you make, since we all make them. Having regrets or feeling miserable about what we do that hurts others is natural and not inconsistent with self-compassion. Self compassion, rather, would seem to suggest not thinking of yourself as an incorrigible monster because you have failings and failures. Self compassion doesn't have to mean letting yourself off the hook lightly. It may mean not giving up on yourself because you messed up.
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