TED Conversations

Abdelbari Khiar

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Loving or being loved?

If you have been asked to choose between the person you love and the person that loves you, who would you choose?

Topics: love
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    Jan 10 2013: The state of 'being in love' has much more to do with hallucination than a real feeling.
    We tend to dream and idealize our partners ... True love is unconditional and thus very rare in modern world.
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      Jan 12 2013: Hi Lena;
      What do you mean by " Unconditional Love " ? I hear this most of the time, but everyone has a different definition of it !
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        Jan 12 2013: Felling unconditional love you expect nothing in return accepting everything which is given to you...I think most of people experience this kind of feeling towards their immediate family members. We unconditionally love our parents, brothers, sisters and kids...For no particular reason. For alll and nothing at the same time.
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    Jan 15 2013: I would have to chose the person I love.
    If I were to chose someone I don't love, it would be dishonour not only to them but to me. I would have a feeling of regret, and I would probably end up leaving this other person. I have had time in my life were I have had to open up to the person I love, and I had my heart ripped out from my chest. It wan't a good feeling and don't wish it to happen to me or anyone again but it's something you have to do. To this day I'm glad I told her how I felt, and I was able to move on. And I'm now starting to love again because the heart can heal.
  • Jan 13 2013: As long as both of them are me, it doesn't matter. Beyond that, it's a matter of ego gratification.
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    Jan 11 2013: Obviously´╝î
    As a parent, I choose the person I love --- the child.
    As a child, I choose the person that loves me --- the parent.
    As a spouse, I never choose.
    As a friend, I choose both.

    (For details, see the 1st article, points 1-8, at https://skydrive.live.com/?cid=D24D89AE8B1E2E0D&id=D24D89AE8B1E2E0D%21283&sc=documents)
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      Jan 12 2013: We're not talking about the obvious part, it's obvious, isn't it ? :)
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    Jan 11 2013: Dear Abdelbari,
    The information you provided leaves room for too many assumptions. You are asking it, that shows it truly matters to you. The answer for your question 'as is', is neither. Do let them both know - kindly and gently - how you feel. And Let them both go on with their lives. In time, the real thing will present itself to you, it is mutual & bilaterally symmetrical :-)
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      Jan 12 2013: Hi Juliette,
      Actually, this maters to me but not with this sense, I'm sure that I love but not that I'm loved :p I asked the question because I love to see how people think about things like this, I think this is an eye opener and I need this a lot in my life, and because I love to read comments like yours ^^
      For me, this question has no answer even though I would choose the person I love if I had to choose, choosing the person who loves me in expense of the person I love seems selfish to me, but reasonable at the same time because we tend to think that this person will love us as we love the other one. " It is mutual & bilaterally symmetrical :-) " This is the perfect and the ideal situation :3
      May I ask you another question ?
      You mother and your daughter have to die and you can save only one of them, who would you choose ?
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        Jan 12 2013: Hi Abdelbari,

        Your first question is the most important question in this life. Because that is the only thing each person can choose for themselves. We don't choose the people we are born into. We choose friends, environments, we choose our life mates. The most important thing, I feel, is how that choice is made. We must be most careful with people's hearts. You are right to say that this is an idealistic view but there is never been a time when we could see the importance of sticking to it so clearly.

        Your second question, is easier to answer, though much more painful ( because I have been accused of having a heart:-). We don't have a choice in the birth/death area my friend. That is in much mightier than all of our intelligence put together. That said, I'd do my best to keep them both alive to the last breath.
  • Anne N

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    Jan 11 2013: Well, this depends. How about people who you love and who love you back?

    In the scenario that the person I loves doesn't love me back and I don't love the person who loves me, I would choose the person I love. After all, even if the person that loves me cares for me and I do not care for him/ her, I would not feel happy or satisfied or want to receive that love. However, if I pick the person that I love, I have to be aware that that person may not "choose" me as I chose him/her. Secondly, if I picked the person who loves me, I would be forging a "friendship" or "relationship" with that person although I would not really want to. That would not be fair to him or her as well.
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    Jan 10 2013: Of course the first thing all most any one will choose is the one i love because of the emotions that we have for this specific person plus the teenagers (im one of them) will defentley choose this option basicley because we dont really felt life yet and dont really know what feelings we should stick to but if you gone trough some "love dramas" in life and you think about it just for a five minutes you will choose the person who loves you basicley because you know the dont want to hurt you and becasue they feel the same about you as you think about the one you love.

    so i would choose the one who loves me because of what i already said and because you can LEARN how to love. :)