Gülçin Çetindağ

teach - ESL, art

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Is it possible to overcome of the feeling 'worthless' for you haven't been loved enough ever?

Lots of people feel alone and worthless for they are alone and not loved enough.but what if you are aware of the answer which is 'this is not true.you are precious', can you get over this feeling by the help of your consciousness?

  • Dec 21 2012: A true and mature love is outward, not inward centered. Love others, and you will become a person of worth to them. (OK, easily said, hard to do. Those who have never experienced love, such as abused and neglected children, will probably have a difficult time learning to love others.)
    • Dec 21 2012: Quite agree with you Eric. "Love others, and you will become a person of worth to them." (and then to yourself).

      Some have the notion that we first have to love ourself in order to love others. But I think we are born with all inclinations to love ourselves first. We have to be taught (forced) to share, think of others and that is what 'being raised' is all about.

      When anyone is depressed or sad, the last impulse is to regard others, while that is the best road to recovery.
  • Dec 18 2012: If you don't feel loved enough , love more ! :)
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      Dec 20 2012: ı do so.that's what ı learned from my experience of not being loved enough..
      • Dec 20 2012: ' love more ' means: don't expect anything in return.
        I know , it's almost impossible for us humans, but just try, do the best you can, you'll see what happens :)
  • Dec 17 2012: Trump feelings with choice. Choose to believe God loves you and that you are unique in His sight. Pray to that One who loves you that He will lead you to where you can be loved and appreciated. Then go where you can be loved. It maybe closer than you realize - be open to receive.
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    Lejan .

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    Dec 16 2012: Hello Gülçin,

    a conscious awareness of ones 'personal preciousness' may not always be enough of an answer to those who feel 'worthless' due to a lack of 'external' love. Especially if the same conscious awareness realizes, that this 'personal preciousness' becomes inflationary by the simple fact, that it applies to anybody as well.

    The usual understanding of 'preciousness' is related to scarcity and its 'value' diffuses in the face of 'plenty'.
    By this concept, any 'diamond' falls in (personal) value the very moment they become as numerous as ordinary pebble stones.

    Maybe this is why many of us seek for this 'one in a million' to find true, mutual and personal 'love' within another person, as we are social beings and as such we also need some sort of external 'appreciation' of our personal 'preciousness' to have this important feedback for internal confirmation and to give this 'appreciation' in return, to 'mirror' this affection to the person who is giving it freely to us.

    The personal definition of 'love' does vary and what is felt as such for some, may be felt by others just as 'liking'.

    This feeling of 'worthlessness' does not appear instantly. It develops slowly over time, over many years of hope and disappointments and it sneaks in silently by the numbers of external devaluation. Depending on personal and emotional 'strength', the period may vary in years until ones self-esteem gets negatively affected and when the 'worthlessness' starts to settle in.

    The only 'cure' I am aware of is to be lucky enough to finally find this very personal love one is seeking for, and if this does not happen, to 'move on' as internal stable as possible. We may all know this times of 'struggle' and we may all know people, who really never 'made' it. The list of compensation attempts is long and highly individual, yet it stays a compensation and does not substitute the feeling and knowledge of 'being loved' by others.

    Today, this tendency seems to be on the rise ...
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      Dec 20 2012: hi Lejan,

      thanks for ur answer.. ı accepted or still trying to accept that we are alone for this is the truth of our existence and we are lucky if we find someone who will give this external love...
  • Dec 21 2012: Just a few suggestions that may help.

    1. If someone I loved was having problems with depression I would get them on anti-depressent medication since sometimes a large part of the problem may be physiological - I advise that you do this if possible.

    2 Identify areas in your life where you are "keeping score" and stop keeping score - ego works both ways and you don't want the highs and lows of scoring or not scoring as in more/less money, more/fewer friends, ...

    3. Practice "not thinking" as in meditating where your only thoughts are about your breathing, or a mantra - and try to go longer and longer without concious thought.

    4. Get, if possible, the book "Proof of Heaven" by Eben Alexander, a neurosurgeon who went brain dead and revived to tell us of his journey into the afterlife - he incidently was given up for adoption by his birth mother as an infant and struggled with being/not being loved.

    Best wishes.
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    Gail .

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    Dec 19 2012: Yes. But you must first become self-aware. To do that, you must walk through your fears and always be honest with yourself and others. You must open your mind to possibilities that you have learned is not possible. (You are truly perfect).

    When you have done this, you will find that you are very isolated in the world, but that isolation is well worth it compared to the alternative.
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    Dec 18 2012: Yes, but I am not sure you are ready for the answer the conscious mind might give. Could you be ok with the idea that you are alone, and at the same time not ? Please let me know if you would like me to explain further
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      Dec 20 2012: please do.ı'll be pleased to hear futher from u and yes,ı know that we are alone for this is the truth of our existence.(ı am interested in existientialist philosophy and u know this is one of the main concerns of this philosophy that we are alone) thanx for ur reply
  • Dec 16 2012: Hello,
    Possible? Yes! And I agree there are lots of people. Being aware on social networks, by newspaper and TV reports, by magazine stories----yes we know loneliness and feelings of low worth or self esteem are real.

    Ministry is a widely used word applied to relationships between people and groups. If we care about ourselves, we can care about other people and minister to them with friendship and sometimes simple gifts meeting their needs. If we have a low self worth, then it is worthwhile to reach out to others and relate honestly, that is honestly tell them friends are needed. Tell the right people and they will respond.

    My answer is a BIG YES to your question. If the feeling of being worthless is due to failure to recognize one's skills and talents, then could you remind them of their skills and let them use their talents? Or can you help them develop skills? Confidence is usually what is missing when a person feels worthless. The fact of friendship shown to persons is evidence of something deep inside people which can develop into like and then love. Love is the desire to do something good for another person. What better possibilities for overcoming worthlessness is there!

    What to do when a whole community or group feels worthless? Do you have class discrimination in Turkey? I will let the experts comment on group or community situations of low self worth or low self esteem.
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      Dec 20 2012: mark,

      thank u so much for this detailed answer.ı know that low self-esteem shows that something is misinterpreted to value ourselves.and I asked this question for not I have low self-esteem or I dont appreciate myself or others but I asked this to learn some other ways of overcoming this feeling..

      And the answer to ur question is that yes,there is invisible class discrimination in Turkey,Cause here in Turkey like many other countries,people, who seem self-confident thanx to their educations,high financial status, dont have self-esteem in real and therefore they define themselves by defining the others who belong to lower classes of society.

      may ı ask what did u mean by saying ''I will let the experts comment on group or community situations of low self worth or low self esteem.''?
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    Dec 16 2012: How do you know lots of people feel alone and worthless? Have you talked to lots of people who said they felt this way?
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      Dec 17 2012: Think about how many children who have been abused. There is a large amount!! Most likely they later on feel this way. Including myself. I was abused and neglected and then taken away from my mother at 6, put into the home of my grandmother. I felt like a burden. I am sure I am not alone since there is a report of child abuse every 5 seconds. 80% of 21 year olds who were abused as children have at least one psychological disorder.

      I don't feel worthless now, but I have. I know people who feel this way.
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        Dec 17 2012: Sorry about all that, Haley. How is it you felt like a burden living with your grandmother? Aren't grandmothers generally warm and loving people? Mine were.
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          Dec 19 2012: The relationship changed, but she was not really around me much before I lived with her anyways. She was no longer grandmother but basically my new mom.

          I never felt that she was warm and loving toward me. But I was also very shy and liked to keep distance. She did care about me though I believe, I can't think of another reason why she would have allowed me to live with her if she wasn't a loving person in some ways.
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          Dec 20 2012: hi Haley,

          this was excitely what I meant when I asked my question.there are lots of People like and me (I also was ignored and hurt in many ways by my family and some others and this cause also low self-esteem in me and I struggled with this for a long time ) and this proves that there are lots of people who havent been loved enough...

          thanx for ur answer and sincere sharing of ur life story...
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    Dec 16 2012: We cant be loved by everybody; because even if we are so lovely, we would have people who are either jealous, arrogant or just not suited to recieve our love.
    But even if we are not as lovely as our imagined ideal of the lovely, we still have people who care and are willing to give if we are open to recieve.

    More importantly, God is the source of love, the agape from heaven; if we recieve his love we would live in that awareness. And our lives would glow with change.
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    Dec 16 2012: I notice you are a teacher of art and ESL. I think you can be a force for good in this respect by showing students how much you care about and value them. Your students need not feel lonely or unvalued.

    Anyone can, in fact, be a force for good by showing such attention and caring to the lonely of any age.

    A person who gives consistently from his heart, for example by reaching out in a personal way to the lonely, is unlikely to feel worthless, I think, and very likely to be loved back by many he touches.

    Some might find this too sweet an answer, but I believe strongly in this. Martin Seligman's TED talk on positive psychology does not, as I recall, address love as a component but does, as I recall, suggest the benefit to happiness and self-worth of service.

    If you have not yet listened to that talk, I recommend it.
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    Dec 16 2012: What is your definition of "loved enough"?
    Humans react to their environment, and eventually, if one experiences too many derogatory comments/situations/etc, it will affect his/her thoughts/emotions, changing from " I am good" to "I am bad." Even the strongest mind can be broken by social pressures.
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      Dec 20 2012: my defination is 'loved enough' is that if one person feels precious herself/himself without feeling the need of proving his/her preciousness, this person would be said to be loved enough... and ı agree that lots of derogatory comments and situations may cause this low self-esteem...
  • Dec 16 2012: When will we feel precious and worthy?
    I personally think it's mostly when we have the strength to love

    Being loved and feeling connected with others and a group will also make us feel worthy

    What do you think ?
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      Dec 20 2012: ı agree with u...we may feel worthy when we find the strength in us to love others..this may be a way to overcome this feeling of worthless...