Founder, The Mindfood Chef

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...A child finds the definition of relations from the relations between parents, of parents with them and in between their siblings...

The relations satisfies many psychological needs, but when parents unable to carry together for long, how does it impacts the life of the child?

After some time parents felt like they have decided wrongly to choose the partner. Why should the child be punished for their mistake?

How could a parent takes the responsibility of the same?

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    Dec 9 2012: Yes, the home environment is very important in a child's life and overall development. That is the foundation of so many things. Unfortunately, not a few people are careless (sometimes even myopic) about the choice of spouses.
    We are humans and may make mistakes; but wisdom is a guide that would save us and so many people that are (and will be) connected to us.
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    Dec 8 2012: I am not familiar with the research on children's reactions to their social and family context, but I can share what I have noticed in working with many adolescents and from my own experiences with families.

    Very young kids look at the relationships around them as models of what relationships are like, but by the time they start visiting with friends and cousins and seeing relationships other than their parents' relationship, they realize what they see at home is not the only way to be. We know those who are abused are more likely to abuse/bully others than those from a home without it, but generally speaking, some kids observe their parents/family and decide that is a model they want to emulate while many from difficult family situations know exactly what they never want for their own kids.

    The availability of other models is key. Kids benefit greatly if they have some adults in their lives they are confident are always "in their corner." For many kids, that is a parent or parents. For others it is another family member, a mentor, or a teacher.
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    Dec 8 2012: First as is my custom, I took the tme to read your articles. It is my pleasure to speak with a Platinum Level Expert Author.

    I am a product of a failed marriage and was raised in a orphanage. I learned early on the importance of taking responsibility for my decisions. By default that means to take time and care in making that decision. The most important people in my life were those who took the time to "be with me", "show a interest", and "listened" . The people in charge of "my life", talked a lot, wrote papers (as required), but I was a number not a person, and not once did anyone ever say "what do you want or what do you think of this or that".

    I designed my own definations of releationships. I was not kind to socialworkers, administrators, teachers, and other do gooders who wanted to shape my life without my consent. I centered on the happiest aspects of relationships .. not very realistic but to a child a giant hope that happiness was within reach.

    One of your articles hit home ... the change of the family meaning. To the officials my only family was the divorced parents. Not the sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, ect .... In the manner they presented I was all alone. That ment no support group or safety nets. A real bummer.

    In conclusion: We can accept that we are being punished .. we can resign our lives to others ... or we can take responsibility for our lot in life, our decisions, our happiness. I chose not to allow the errors of many define me.

    In all of your writings I endorse the need to Listen as the most important part of communications. It provides hope.

    Thank you for your time. All the best. Bob.
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    Gail .

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    Dec 8 2012: Your worldview is very different from mine, but I will try to answer from my point of view.

    I believe that children come into the world, having chosen their parents and the general circumstances that will surround their lives. From this point, they learn.

    Is a child really being punished when parents separate? I doubt that you will find a parent who will admit to separating in order to punish the child. Still, the child feels great pain and that great pain feels punishing. Yet, if you have come into the world, having chosen your parents and the general circumstances of your life, and your parents separate, it is not their responsibility to protect you from your natural feelings of loss. It is yours to learn how to deal with them and make peace with them (which is possible).

    A very young child will not feel the pain that a teen will experience at a parent's separation. This means that the teen's expectations have been breached. That is VERY painful. But the fix is not to demand that your expectations be fulfilled (an immature way to handle such a situation). The fix is to change your expectations to ones that are happier, less harmful to self, and more satisfying.
    • Dec 8 2012: We both are looking at one thing from different angle as you have started with and I accept it as it is, as image from your side.

      Yes, the separation of parents is refusing the right of a family from a child. Nobody separates to punish is true, equally true is the separation in itself is a punishment.

      The lack of family added to the drug addiction and crime; and being proved in many social and psychological surveys and treatments. In many cases the solution came from a hidden pain during the age of five to nine.

      The sexual relation between the two people results in a birth and so as they must be responsible for the same, the decision is of those two. Even other living beings except few takes this responsibility till they find them strong to survive on their own.

      Relations are one of the prime needs of a human as a social being and their importance can't be denied. This is not be considered as expectations but a way society evolves.

      The meaning and values of society may be differ in between your world and mine.

      Firm on my point, I take your view as your view to complete my 360degree understanding of the things.

      Thank you very much.