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Debate: Who's to blame for bullies?
Who's to blame for bullies? I think parents are responsible for thier children's actions. Communication or lack thereof is causing children to figure out who they are themselves, when it is the responsibility of the parents to help shape them to become a kind and compassionate individual.
carolyn mcauley 10+
Ed Schulte 50+
disguised as strength
Eckhart Tolle
The preciseness of this quote points to the true "who" behind bullying. It is the view ones hold of oneself and not the external. External is always secondary , Knowing oneself is primary, then there is no need for compensating by trying to "power over others" AND most importantly , self knowing then give one the ability to recognize when are trying to impress their WEAKNESS /bullying/ on them are others AND not be influenced/effected by it. WEAK people need to feed on the energy of others ...iow get reactions ( you see this here on TED all the time) be it physically or mentally ....and it is a vicious circle
ujuaku akukwe
sterling brewer
also, sometimes that problem stems from something internal. something going on with themselves. we can't be quick to assume it has anything to do with anybody else, either. there are so many factors that will play into this. children vary individually on so many levels. it's unfair to give a blanket statement saying that in every case, the parents should be specifically blamed for this occurrence. this is not me saying that the parents are never responsible or are never going to be a largely contributing factor to why a child is a bully.
again, what i said in my last comment: believe it or not, children are their own people too. not just a mirror image of their parents. no matter how hard you try to shape your child into a person with certain traits, they will still remain their own person in the end, which might not be anything like what you were aiming for.
so, if a child has low self-esteem, have the parents failed at doing the job of parenting?
carolyn mcauley 10+
Colleen Steen 500+
Allan Macdougall 30+
What appears to happen is there seems to be an awakening of awareness of the effects they have on others - where empathy and congruity kicks in - and the bullying disappears.
What would be great is if we could establish what it is that does actually change. What is it that moves a young bully into a kind, socially functional individual?
I personally have misgivings about our standardized education systems, and their effect in establishing the kind of normality parameters that the diversity of childhood ability won't fit. In other words, if a child falls either above or below those parameters, they get bullied. Gifted children get bullied as much as children who struggle academically.
My assertion therefore is that the expectations of standardized education is at least partly responsible for bullying behaviour.
Colleen Steen 500+
I agree that our educational systems are partly responsible, and also some of our societal beliefs. When my son was bullied, it often happened on school grounds, at school activities, where there were adults present. When I talked with the athletic coach and the principle, they both said....well....you know.....boys will be boys! My son was coming home bruised and battered...didn't even want to go to school any more. As a teenager, he had reconstructive surgery to "fix" one of the issues he had because "boys will be boys". That idea is a ridiculous way to avoid dealing with bullies.
It has been suggested, on this thread, that bullying may stop if it is reported. I suggest that those receiving the information need to be willing to address the issue, which I sincerely hope they are beginning to pay attention to now.
Education has been suggested, which can always help....awareness of the impact bullying has on the victim may help change some bullies. Bullies who are beaten up really badly, sometimes change their attitude....we see that in the correctional facilities. Although, sometimes it simply makes them worse bullies.
There is no magic answer, and bullying can be anything from school yard verbal/emotional/physical abuse to terrorists, and many things in between. We see cyber bullying these days, which has caused some teenagers to end their lives.
We are all different as human beings, motivated by many different factors, and we change because of many different factors....or not. Those who bully are human beings, so I think we need to try everything possible to discourage bullying, which adversly impacts many lives.
greg dahlen 20+
Allan Macdougall 30+
Upbringing can produce bullies as a negative response to poor parenting. Children can also turn to bullying when they see other bullies as being powerful and someone to look up to. To a child, that power might be irresistable.
Of the two, I think that bullying as a response to parental influence is the hardest to change. Bullying as a response to the 'hero worship' of other bullies in a peer group tends not to be as ingrained - therefore can more likely be re-shaped into a kind and compassionate individual, via kindness and compassion!
There seems to be a link between perceived inadequacy and bullying behaviour. Such inadequacy can originate from an ingrained unhapiness about stature - physical or mental. A person who has notional inadequacy might have a tendency to over-compensate for it, in order to strengthen their position in social or work situations that are important to them.
Treating bullies with kindness and compassion is very difficult, and goes against the grain when we are confronted by such behaviour. But it is the only thing that is likely to work, if such behaviour is to change.
It works as a general principle, that treating people how you would like them to treat you, still holds - even in the face of outrageous behaviour.
Colleen Steen 500+
A child can observe and embrace "hero worship" of a peer and/or a parent. I also agree with you that bullies are generally very insecure in themselves , and adopt bullying tactics to compensate for a sense of inadequacy and perhaps to have a superficial feeling of strengthening their position in social or work situations. Most of the men I encountered in correctional facilities had been physically, emotionally and/or sexually abused as children, usually by family members, and had accepted and practiced bullying as a "normal" way of life.
Sometimes, knowing a person's history helps us understand, and then treating them with kindness and compassion is not so challenging. I perceived those men in prison as hurting little children, who had never learned to believe in themselves and a different way of "being" in this world. I also agree that kindness and compassion is the only thing that might work, if such behavior is to change.
Allan Macdougall 30+
Seeing raw bullying behaviour in someone else elicits an equally raw adverse reaction in ourselves (myself included) until we catch a glimpse of what might be the cause.
Immediate reactions are visceral when bullying is actually happening in the moment - but what is it that makes people remain in that angry/scared/visceral state, while others can see behind the behaviour and treat bullies with more understanding?
I guess it's the difference between regarding bullying as a display of power, rather than a display of weakness.
Colleen Steen 500+
I cannot imagine that anyone who can intentionally hurt another person is very content in him/herself, so don't we have some information about them based on the way they behave?
I guess I'm lucky that it has never caused an equally raw adverse reaction in myself because from the time I was a wee small child, I heard my mom saying "love the man, hate the behavior...he doesn't know how to love or be loved". This was refering to my father who was violent and abusive. It is this advise that has allowed me to seperate the behavior from the person, and see beyond the behavior. When I explored my father's history as a child, I was able to understand why he behaved as he did....it is what he learned, mostly by example from his role models....starting with parents.....fear.
It does not justify abusive, violent behavior, and I believe we can continue to tell abusive people that their behavior is not acceptable. As we said earlier Allan, a bully, or abusive person is insecure in him/herself. If we can point out their qualities, skills, talents, and abilities to them, (they all have some qualities), we may be able to give them the idea of REAL power, rather than what they feel superficially when bullying/abusing others?
I believe it is exactly as you say Allan...regarding bullying as a display of power? Or a display of weakness? If we spread the word that it is really a weakness, do you think some bullies may change their behavior? It's worth a shot...don't you think?
Xavier Belvemont 30+
Maybe some people are just plain (Insert insulting term here)?
Perhaps when someone acts in a certain way, its not actually everyone and everything else in the world thats at fault?
Its only a suggestion ofcourse, but I do believe that personal accountability should be a much MUCH bigger factor than whats often presented in questions like this.
We're not talking about infants who inadvertantly hit out due to no control of their limbs, we're talking about functioning humans with human-level skills who are in full awareness of their actions.
I'm playing this card because as someone who's seen first hand how onlookers are willing to title a trouble maker / degenerate with some explain-away title and seeing how said children play on it and use it as an excuse to act out in a way they know is wrong, I can't help but think that we're too quick to say:
'He can't read - Dyslexia'
'He's not paying attention - ADD'
'He's unhappy - Bi-Polar'
'He's not talking - Autism'
'He's a criminal - Its the parents fault'
When maybe the child is just dim, unfocused, acts according to circumstance, poor social skills or just plainly a complete (insert insulting term here) and that maybe we're starting to form a society where we remove the negative consequences associated with being a problem, because we can just relabel the problem with an excuse.
Thats my two cents, anyway..
cyn eden
the thing about bullying I find interesting is all the discussion as if we can "talk" bullies out of bullying. they need a lot more help than can be provided in a school assembly.
what's been on my mind lately regarding this is, how do we teach our children to be bullyproof? because ultimately that is the key to happiness and success. there will always be bullies, we will encounter many in our lifetime in some form or another, in long and short term situations. so to learn to cope, maintain ones self esteem, and protect oneself is an essential survival skill.
Noah Crossfield
Feyisayo Anjorin 50+
There are lots of factors that has to be considered, like the pressure of being accepted and respected in the world of teens and the school community.
Some kids make wrong choices because the home training seem incompatible with the reality of the school community.
It's about parenting, systems and individual choices.
It is a complex interplay of factors.
Anthony Pansoy
John Smith 30+
Colleen Steen 500+
I don't like to "blame" anyone. That being said, parents have a HUGE influence on their/our children, so it would be great if children started learning respect and compassion in the home. Unfortunately, the home is where many kids LEARN to be bullies. It takes a village to raise a child, and I think all members of society have the ability and opportunity to be good role models for all of the children who are important and valuable in our global society. They will one day be our leaders...let us all take care of them, encourage and support them, and teach them how to be respectful, compassionate, caring, loving human beings:>)
Ehis Odijie 10+
Adriaan Braam 20+
Gail . 50+
Chetan Somani
Jarred Figlar-Barnes
Linda Taylor 50+
Bullying is not just a human trait. So why does it exist in nature? And why is it necessary to stop it?
nick austin
sterling brewer
believe it or not, children are their own people too. not just a mirror image of their parents.
Robert Galway 20+