Noemí Herrero

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Is love a rational process?

While speaking with a friend the other day, he told me this: "I don´t believe in love because love is a rational process". I was in shocked as complete believer of "romantic love". Since then...I couldn´t stop reading and wonder...Am I wrong?? I have being living 32 years old believing in love and then love is just a reponse to values??
It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love—with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality??
One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul—the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. It is one’s own sense of life that acts as the selector, and responds to what it recognizes as one’s own basic values in the person of another. It is not a matter of professed convictions (though these are not irrelevant); it is a matter of much more profound, conscious and subconscious harmony???
Then...my colleagues...is love just a rational process??? I have being waiting all my life for something that at the end is just a rational process of selection as if i was going to the market and select what I am going to eat the rest of the next "let´s say" one month, one year, all life ??

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    Oct 8 2012: i am sorry to hear that .there are different kinds of love .when i am 16 years old i think love is romantic .and i will buy my girlfriend whatever she want and make her happy ,while i am 23 years old ,i think that love is a partner who can share the same value with me .and we have the same hobby .we can appreciate each other .

    i dont know when i am old what love is .maybe we can see the sunset together and hand in hand .you can choose you love ,it all depends on youself .
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      Oct 8 2012: So...as the way you explained...it´s like now that you are 23 years old when you decide who is going to be your girlfriend you are making a rational decision...to decide to take or not a new project??
      So in someway you believe in rational? Then if we assume love is rational and it has interest hidden when we make the selection...is the most selfish selection we ever made!!!!
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        Oct 8 2012: yeah .i think we must have common languages ,and we have the same interests .suppose .i am a quiet man ,how can i bear a loud girl .everyday talking singing and noisey. we both feel comfortable when staying together ..then we can stay long .
  • Oct 9 2012: Sometimes love is like a bank account that you put savings in. Over time, it accrues interest allowing the account to grow larger. The more you put in the account, the more you will have when you really need it the most. It really doesn't matter which bank you bank with as long as the bank treats your account fairly and you feel secure.
  • Oct 9 2012: Love is something that goes beyond rational. For those who think its rational we will use a simple example. Lets imagine a couple. A and B. A does all what is at his/her reach to keep the relationship going. On the other side B cheats, or has other type of weird behavior that hurts Despite B's behavior A keeps going and. Even though the rational part of A tells him/her that that relationship is destroying him/her emotionally, A keeps going no matter what happens. When you love someone you stay there no matter what happens. No matter what the rational side says.
    Rationalism says ok this is not good for you so its time to go. But, love holds you there. When you love someone, you dont think you love him/her. You want to be there, you want to know about that person and you look always to be there and, talk and smile together, and share things moments memories what ever you do together. For that you dont have to think, its just part of you. This desire to be with someone on her/his side always... is not a rational process. Many modern marriage are rational but love, has nothing to do with reason.
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      Oct 9 2012: that is ture love .we think of her more than ourselves and her is my only
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      Oct 23 2012: In that example... They aren't in love... They are in a self destructive spiral... That is not love. Love is rational, love is earned. In a loving relationship, a and b, would feel the same way. If they don't, it's not love, it's hormones.
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    Nov 2 2012: Love is too much of a beauty to try to wrap it in a box to study.
  • Oct 23 2012: Love is not a rational process.

    When you love somebody and you stop to actually think about it, I'm sure that you will find something about them (if not everything) that will make you go "huh, I wouldn't have expected to love that."

    Love is a powerful state of mind that produces emotions that can't be easily controlled. It is not a rational state of mind and I am in disbelief that anyone could think otherwise. If you believe that you "love" someone, you are willing to put yourself through physical and emotional stress to keep the relationship going. You become willing to do a lot of things that you otherwise wouldn't have considered because the person you love becomes a very important aspect in your life that you fight to preserve.

    If anything, love is dangerous because it can lead to your own self-destruction. You can believe that somehow it is going to work, keep yourself in an irreparable situation, just because the thought of leaving the thing you love seems so much worse than the present. I feel that when relationships (when the people are truly in love) encounter an obstacle, it can be very serious. If someone is completely in love and in hurt, they become like a drowning victim. The other partner tries to help them, but the victim just pulls them down with them.

    People can be hurt in love because you don't fully grasp what you are doing until it is too late.

    But people can also feel an overwhelming joy, something that cannot be compared to any other feeling in the world.

    When studies show that the brain acts as if it were on drugs during love this is IMPORTANT, people. Addiction is not a rational process and neither is love.
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    Gail .

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    Oct 9 2012: Love is an emotional, thus chemical, reaction to a stimulus. It's certainly not rational. In fact, it seems to be an irrational thing in our culture. Define love. Not that which is loving, but define love. It's just not possible.

    I was in Kentucky not too long ago. I saw a billboard. In HUGE letters, it said, if you love your children, spare not the rod, lest they spend eternity in hell.

    I heard, while growing up, that parents only spank children because they love them.

    When I was younger, I would easily fall in love with love. But falling in love with love is falling for make-believe.
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      Oct 23 2012: I would suggest that sex drive is chemical. Love is having rational control of your sex drive, and choosing to focus it on one human being and create a family.
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    Oct 8 2012: Love?,In Love?Loving? Romantic Love.

    Very few sustain in love constantly,they're the lucky ones,romantic suspense anticipatory love is great,it helps and is necessary at the beginning of a possible relationship,if we didn't get excited about another coming into our lives then something is wrong or you're too soaked in it and probably have too an unreal set of expectations of the new person.

    To play the game of romantic love then we must adhere to the old rules,the male must chase while the female must make him work,it helps weed out the players and shows each other just how much the other values a possible relationship developing into a possible life long partnership.

    The older we get the more relaxed we become towards each other and time can bring two people together without the mad rush of youth but between the sexes love is different yet not different.
    • Oct 9 2012: I guess you are saying the man should chase the woman until she catches him?
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        Oct 9 2012: Our knowledge may have evolved but not our genes,they have been the same for a 100,ooo years and will remain the same for another 100,000 unless we change it,it has always been the guy who chases the girl but hey,come on Rex,a woman will always let you know they are interested,it's just most guys don't see it or are too dumb to pick up on it lol

        Play the old game and yeah it could seem that it's in her court he he.
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    Oct 8 2012: I think it is not. And it musn't be. In my opinion, love is something that appears, out of control, like a nice sound, or a beautiful colour; it's like a wild wind and from the instant it blows your mind, you're completely lost. And this is the wonderful of love. If not, what else?
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      Oct 9 2012: i agree with you .i think love is mystical .and it is a feel .we can not stop that .when love is falling we will become excited and it is a pleasure we can not find isome of the mormal life.

      we are easily touched by our lover and we expend her advantages and think she is the best and without her i can not live .and also we are easily hurt .we may get over reacted about some of her behavior.i think when you have these feelings you are in ture love .
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    Oct 8 2012: So... Just for fun... I'll throw a wrench in the mix... A large number of men view love as a rational choice. When women talk about subconscious harmony, and connection, many men don't know what the heck your talking about. It's the premise of every American sitcom. "I want empathy"... "What... Like a hat? You want a new hat?"

    I would even go so far as to suggest, that men often believe that women confuse chemical attraction, and sexual desire with love... Those are things that operate in the subconscious mind. If a man believes in love at first sight, he is often seen as a pig. If a woman believes in love at first sight, she is often seen as a romantic. I think that's much more of a stereotype and less fair though. I think there is room for suggesting that women intuit things through a deeper connection to the emotional side of their brain.

    I do think however, one problem with this dichotomy, is that men who don't see love as a rational choice... often aren't interested in what most people would call "love". For many men, the rational part of the brain, is the one that suggests staying with one partner for your entire life. The emotional part of our brains, tells us to act like lions... This is a simplification of course... but, in short, I would say that I see love as a rational choice. Choosing the security of one long term sexual partner, over the excitement and drama of multiple. I think there is a component of that which is related to my gender, but I may be completely wrong.
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      Oct 23 2012: Intersting analogies, David, and many may be accurate. I'll take exception to one of them though. You said...

      "Choosing the security of one long term sexual partner, over the excitement and drama of multiple."

      Love and lust are two different things. Nobody should be getting married for the sex. That's not love.
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        Oct 23 2012: I would suggest that "love" is a word created by humans, to make their sex sound more important. I would even suggest that "love" is actually a bit degrading to sex. The act of sex is a confirmation that you enjoy being with another human being, so much, that when in their presence you can't help but want to create more life... It's the most beautiful and expressive thing human beings do, and the fact that we call it lust, and insult it, really bothers me.

        No body should be getting married, for anything other than the sex. If you don't want to create life... Don't get married. The point of marriage, is the creation of life. It's a contract to raise that life together. Without sex, and creation, marriage would be meaningless.

        I think it's a bit disturbing that in the modern world we seperate sex from love. It's almost like we're telling our children "No, sex is something you do when you're young. It's meaningless and degrading... The real romance comes from contract law" ; p

        I guess that what I'm really trying to say... Is that love and marriage, are rational controls of the sex drive. The sex drive is irrational, emotional, and subconscious... but it's also the most important and beautiful force in the universe, the purest expression of creation, a validation that life is worth living. Love is, the rational, or "correct", way to focus your sex drive in order to create functional, healthy, and happy life.

        I think the unchecked emotional desires, of the sex drive, are often confused with love. This is most evident, when people stay with partners who cheat on them, and then try to convince you that this is an expression of love... I feel like saying to them "No, you're confusing your desire to have sex with that person, with an actual emotional connection. If you had an actual emotional connection, your partner would not cheat on you constantly." If you're just letting another human being walk all over you, that's not love. Love makes sense...
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    Oct 8 2012: If you are asking whether love is a selection derived by conscious analytical calculation of costs and benefits, I would say no. For example, people are drawn to people, and continue to be drawn to them, for reasons subconscious to them.
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      Oct 8 2012: Fritzie when you speak about sunconscious...is this sbconscious under rational control?
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        Oct 8 2012: It isn't. It resides in a different part of the brain.
        • Oct 8 2012: The "subconscious" is not really any part of the brain, it's not even a scientific term, it may not even exist the way people like Freud describe it.
  • Nov 5 2012: Rational process of selection? When you feel what you feel, it is based on likes and dislikes although anything can grow from mutual respect. So being this, there is a selection process unless you use time to discover another person as your guide which in most part begins with the attraction as stated previous.

    Is there love...tell someone who is in love that they are not and see what answer you get back. We are emotional creatures...of course strong emotions exist...arguing if love is real or not is another thing but the emotions it creates definitely are.

    So for yourself I offer you this; if a person ever asks you if they should marry someone...tell them no! Why? If they were actually in love, they would not be asking...they would be telling you!!!
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    Nov 5 2012: Noemi, If love was ratrional then someone would make a checklist, the government would tax it, and matchmakers would have the largest union in the world.

    If love just a response to values then I think there would be a lot of never married homes for the aged.

    Many subscribe to the "be selective" theory. Marry a guy just like good ole dad, marry rich, marry for looks, he must be good in bed, or other just as silly other things.

    My theory is simple .... first be friends. Be able to talk to each other ... it is not important to always agree .... it is important to respect each other ..... you should have some common likes but not in all things .... learn to laugh ... no it is not always rational but it should be forever so .... choose wisly.

    Good luck and best wishes ..... Bob.
  • Nov 5 2012: Love is accidental. it can not be tested in laboratory. it gives lot of relaxation to our body cells.
    it may make you mad or turn you into renunciation. it has got very severe impact on human min/behavior.
  • Nov 2 2012: No, as you cant just decide to love someone, you can try and trick yourself though.

    I guess it is the chemical reactions happening in your brian, however, the reactions must have been triggered by emotion. The phrase: 'to fall in love' is a good way of showing how one changes his state of mind towards another subconsciously; also you are not aware of the process until you have the result.
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    Oct 28 2012: Yes.

    It is rational, including emotionally-unconsciously via huge amount of instinct data in our soul.

    “...
    5. Sexual Love (Primary Symbiosis)
    Sexual love is an essential component of the second period of primary symbiosis in a person’s life.
    a. Definition
    The instinctively falling in sexual love of a man and a woman is to further bio-accurately match (including "running in") their data-programs of both instincts (ancestors’ successful experiences) and acquired pre-instincts (personal acquired wise, knowledge, accuracy, and etc.) as well as the concrete physical bodies.
    Sexual love ought to start only after the fully development of a person’s brain as well as body. Starting before the physiologically full mature of a boy or girl means haste and waste. It would cause problems often than not.
    b. Success or Failure
    Failure in sexual love is just because of the bio-matching with a wrong person. Then, quit it and match with someone else again.
    However, sexual love of a marriage ought to last definitely until the end of the couple’s life. This is because our life purpose of keeping our DNA alive needs us to do it this way.
    Never be misled by invalid happiness prevailing in today’s society of big cities or highly efficient telecommunication techniques. There, the invalid happiness is increasingly enhanced extraordinarily.
    c. Match Scope
    The size of symbiotic group in which the matching proceeds will impact the matching strongly. The smaller the symbiotic society or group is, the easier the matching will be. For an example, may it be extreme, the only two dwellers of a man and a woman in an isolated island will surely match with a probability of 100%.
    ...”
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    Oct 23 2012: Noemi,

    I posted the below a while back in a similar topic, so it's a repeat here. But in case you didn't see the other topic and my post there, here's one way of deciphering "love".

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-limits/201111/what-is-love

    Quoted from the above linked article:

    "Love speaks out for justice and protests when harm is being done. Love points out the consequences of hurting oneself or others. Love allows room for anger, grief, or pain to be expressed and released. But love does not threaten to withhold itself if it doesn't get what it wants."

    To me, love can be both rational and irrational. Depends on the circumstances, even when considering the love you may have for the same person. It will be rational at times, and emotional (irrational?) at others. That's what makes it interesting and challenging, too. And hopefully, a rewarding experience for those involved.

    But the thing I like about the description of love quoted above is that it seems very applicable to all different types of love. It will work for "I love my fiance' and that is why we are getting married" just as easily as it will work for "I love my fellow Man, and that is why I will try to treat him with dignity and respect at all times".
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    Oct 22 2012: "I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?" (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

    Love is around the corner, but not around every corner! I think the following article by Aaron Ben-Zeév "in In the Name of Love" ( published in 2008) is worth reading

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200809/when-do-we-fall-in-love
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    Oct 9 2012: Love is perhaps the most logical response to lust. People often get love and lust confused. Lust is the physical need, love is the emotional need. Some people are skilled at making the physical feel like the emotional. They take the rush you feel with lust and forfeit the reality of what they need from their partner.

    Neither though are rational decisions entirely.

    The only rational decision you can make is who to marry whether you love them or not. You can rationalize what your life will be like with the different people in your life. Will you be able to pay your bills or will they spend all the money you make and never keep a job? Never make a life long decision when you haven't rationalized it, which is why a spontaneous Vegas wedding usually ends in divorce.
  • Oct 8 2012: Love is rational. However it can produces irrational thoughts and behavior. In short its complicated.(ty FB)
    • Oct 9 2012: lol how about this?
      Love is irrational. However it produces rational thoughts and doubts in the process of loving each other.
      What it yields eventually is either bitterness of pain or fruits called "life". :)