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Why we fight and how we can stop it?

"A man who left to his three sons 17 camels. To the first son, he left half the camels. To the second son, he left a third of the camels, and to the youngest son, he left a ninth of the camels. Well three sons got into a negotiation. Seventeen doesn't divide by two. It doesn't divide by three. It doesn't divide by nine. Brotherly tempers started to get strained. Finally, in desperation, they went and they consulted a wise old woman. The wise old woman thought about their problem for a long time, and finally she came back and said, "Well, I don't know if I can help you, but at least, if you want, you can have my camel." So then they had 18 camels. The first son took his half -- half of 18 is nine. The second son took his third -- a third of 18 is six. The youngest son took his ninth -- a ninth of 18 is two. You get 17. They had one camel left over. They gave it back to the wise old woman." story is told by William Ury

can we all be like that wise old woman and try to find solution to our world's greatest problem, Fighting? The pages of history are full of bloodshed, do we need more bloody pages for next generations to come? do we ask our next generation if they need new war heroes?

and if we can learn how to embrace otherness, will we still fight?
and if we can connect to one another through our feelings and needs, will we still fight? Creating a Day of Peace won't help us to create 365 days of peace?

"How's the world?" - Jon Stewart (The Daily Show)
"Messy." - Kofi Annan (Secretary-General of the United Nations)

Is this what we came to world for? to create a messy place to live?

is it a private fight or anyone can join when we fight?

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    Sep 25 2012: The existence of one person that can care and treat others with respect...reflects an absolute possibility that human-kind can mirror such attributes...and in doing balance themselves.
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      Sep 26 2012: Henry,
      I LOVE your use of the words reflect and mirror. I believe we are all mirrors, reflecting information back and forth to each other all the time. When we are clear within ourselves, we provide a clear reflection to others. What we project into our world, is what we have in our own hearts and minds. Those who want peace, reflect that into our world. Those who want to continue to fight will project that into our world. It makes sense to me that if we have more people projecting peace, the fighters will not have anyone to fight with!

      I totally agree with you.....we need to balance ourselves as individuals to create balance in our world as a whole.
  • Oct 3 2012: Seems to me we're not doomed. There were people throughout history of society that didn't respond to violence with violence, they took a different approach. They responded to violence with peace, hate with love. I can say that this new approach requires an insight, the entrance of a new dimension.
    I can argue that the main purpose of the wise man was to solve the situation while the others were concentrating on what they might lose.
    Perhaps when you are concentrate on what you can lose, the situation to be solved gets distorted, and therefore there is not way out of it, other than violence.
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      Oct 20 2012: Dear Yuri,
      I don't think we are doomed either. What we focus on expands, and when one is concentrating on what s/he might lose, there is fear, and as you insightfully say...it is distorted. We need to consentrate on what we can all gain by ending the fighting.
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    Sep 25 2012: NO....fighting is a choice. Peace is also a choice.
    • Sep 26 2012: if both are choices then we have dilemma.

      Fighting for Peace may be another choice. How we fight for Peace?

      Sit and talk, mediate, negotiate, go for a walk (as William Ury mentioned)
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        Sep 27 2012: Hi Edwin,
        I perceive the idea of fighting for peace as contradictory. Sometimes, perhaps we do need to protect ourselves and/or others. I believe that ultimately, our actions are the best teachers, so if we can demonstrate peace and harmony most of the time, it is preferable to me. Of course, we cannot sit, talk, mediate or negotiate with ourselves.....that takes two or more people:>)

        We can always go for a walk by ourselves, and that sometimes calms the energy which fuels fighting?
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    Sep 27 2012: I kinda hope the 2 or 3 thousand psychopaths, yelling at each other and threatening violence in all of our names... are just going to kill each other off so we finally reallize how useless they are, and how little they actually lead. It's fun to dream.
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    Sep 26 2012: Jesus spoke of the separation of the sheep from the goats. The sheep are those who helped their fellow man. The goats are those who refused. The sheep were all welcomed into the kingdom of heaven (where mutual cooperation works to everyone's benefit). The goats were all cast into hell (where they could fight till their hearts content because each had to have his/her own way).

    Eastern philosophy deals with this problem. The animals fight to survive. We are evolved from the animal, and therefore, possess the same instincts. But we also have a superior brain that allows us to find solutions. The animals can't increase their food supply. The animals do not possess the creative ability that we have. It is those creative abilities that make us made in the image of the creator. When we exercise this option, we move forward in prosperity. When we ignore it, we default back to the animal.

    The unfortunate part is that intelligence is not the deciding factor. It is a lot more complicated than that.
    Eastern philosophy speaks of the lower and upper subconscious. The lower subconscious is the animal instincts (all our fears and lusts). The upper subconscious is the realm of intuition and inspiration (the wisdom that you make reference to). The full spectrum is made of seven energy chakras. The first three are the animal instincts;
    SELF - the first born where "I" comes first.
    SEX - procreation of the species
    POWER - exercising our influence in the world
    The fourth is HEART; the center of being. It is where we begin to see ourselves as part of a greater whole.
    The last three are the spiritual instincts;
    PURGATION - learning to tame the animal instincts
    TRANSCENDENCE - opening up to spiritual influence (also known as born again or twice born)
    CHRIST - becoming one with the forces of creation

    Not many Christians know or understand where CHRIST comes from. Unfortunately the modern Christian church is caught up in dogmatic brain washing.

    I agree with Barry. Changes will happen.
  • Sep 26 2012: One of the biggest reasons for violence is ego. The simple human notion that I/We are better than you. If you examine the causes of wars, the stated causes were often just excuses for this illusion.

    This notion is doomed. It has been fading ever since the invention of the radio. TV and the internet will kill it off before the end of this century. We are all learning that we are all human, with many more similarities than differences.

    War is becoming obsolete due to technology, economics, global trade and global communications.

    Call me hopelessly optimistic, but I think people are becoming wiser also. In part this is because of our amazing global communications. But mainly it is because the consequences of foolishness are becoming more harsh, more immediate, and more apparent. With atomic weapons, wisdom became necessary.
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    Sep 26 2012: Yep. No doubt about it. We will continue to fight. Maslow pointed out the "needs" in life. These and off spouts of these are what we fight about. We mentally spar, verbally spar, and physically spar.

    TED Lover is in a verbal dispute with Edwin to prove her point and Edwin does not agree and is not giving up. That by defination is a fight. A argument is a verbal dispute or fight.

    To the inmates at the prison TED Lover is a target and she is in danger. Thieves will come over and over when they learn she will not fight back. To them she is weak and a easy mark. There is no respect.

    A man will fight for his cave, family, security, survival, etc ... When and if he decides not to fight those who will shall dominate him. The Alpha animals will always dominate others.

    On a world level wars often do not make sense granted. However, once a nation / state is backed into a corner it will always fight.

    All the best. Bob.
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      Sep 26 2012: yes .here i want to say something to ted lover .
      i think you are a person of mild ,kindness .while i do not agree with your altituide towards life .just as what Rw said we should fight for life someone is kind to you you should do sometning good back to him .someone hurt yo ,you should doback .you ca nt wait success.also you can not wait let others always help you .
      i think your altituide is over pasted.in acient china there is a famous person i think your now state is well matched with it ..it is called 'dao" you can see something about it !
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        Sep 26 2012: Dao is better know in the West as Tao or Taoism the way, path, or route also as a doctrine or principal. It signifies the primordial essence and fundimental nature of the universe.

        In Taoism, Chinese Buddhism and Confucianism, the object of spiritual practice is to 'become one with the tao' (Tao Te Ching) or to harmonise one's will with Nature in order to achieve 'effortless action' (Wu wei). This involves meditative and moral practices. Important in this respect is the Taoist concept of De (德; virtue).

        I took this from the internet ....

        I now understand your refering this information to TED Lover.

        Thank you for your reply.

        I wish you well ...... Bob.
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        Sep 27 2012: Hi again Chen,
        I do not agree with your statement..."someone hurt yo ,you should doback".

        I believe that to hurt someone who has hurt us, simply causes more hurt for both individuals.

        I totally agree with your wise words..."you can not wait let others always help you" .

        We can make a decision to stop the hurt....stop the fighting....don't you think?
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          Sep 27 2012: hi nice to see you COLLEEN
          at the begaining i think just like you ..we should always have tolerace .while
          the consequence is not just what i think . i think that he may know his fauth
          on the contrary .he just hurt me again .so i know i should do something back .
          since then he has never hurt me .
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          Sep 27 2012: very well put, colleen. i'm not a big fan of cliches, but the one that I have lived and experienced and know to be truth is: whatever you fight, strengthens, whatever you resist, persists. life is full of paradoxes.
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        Sep 27 2012: Hi Chen....always nice to see you too!

        I'm sorry that you were hurt Chen. The good thing is that you tried something different at first. My son was bullied and beat up when he was young too. At first, I encouraged him to avoid the bully, which he tried to do. The bully started waiting for my son as he walked home from school.

        So, my son finally said...mom....I'm going to beat the crap out of that guy. I said...you need to do what you need to do to feel better about the situation. He came home one day VERY beat up and bloodied AND, he apparently won the fight because the bully never bothered him again.

        Perhaps it is good to try to be peaceful, as you did at first Chen? If that doesn't work, perhaps we need to choose our battles wisely?
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        Oct 3 2012: Chen,
        You will get the notification for this reply because of the reply sequence. There is no reply option for Eric's comment.

        I wholeheartedly agree....what we fight against, struggle with and resist, gains in strength and energy. It does indeed seem to be a paradox, until we look at some underlying facts.

        Sometimes, the fight, struggle, or resistance becomes the focus, and we lose touch with what we are actually fighting about. That makes no sense to me.

        I often think about and embrace one concept of martial arts...come from the core with strength and yield. Yield, does not mean to be passive...it means to be clear with the interaction....yield to what we cannot change, and change what we CAN change from a place of strength. Fighting, struggling, resisting simply uses up energy that we can use in a more productive way.

        Along with this, I use another idea...
        "Grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".

        It takes courage to stop the fighting and seek alternative ways to deal with challenging circumstances.
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          Oct 3 2012: i am sorry for that
          what you said are all right .maybe we should use some widson ways to solve problem .and change what we can change . and accept what we cant
          i think now i have a more peaceful mind . i dont care too much about what others say about me .and always clear mind ..
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        Oct 3 2012: It is OK Chen. The TED reply system is something I cannot change, so I accept it, yield, and use it to the best of my ability:>)

        I appreciate your peaceful mind and your wisdom Chen...continue to believe in yourself....it seems to be working very well. To stop the fighting and struggling with others, we first need to stop the fight and struggle in ourselves:>)
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      Gail .

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      Sep 26 2012: I know that you disagree with me, Bob. But I have experienced the power of peace first hand. Peace is a power that can be used for self-defense. In fact, it's far more effective than fear and aggressive self-defense. Fear makes one weak. Peace makes one strong. There is a huge difference between pacifism and passivism.
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        Sep 26 2012: Interesting you mention self-defense TED Lover, because I often compare true power and strength to a basic concept of martial arts....come from the core with strength and yield. I agree TL...fear makes one weak...peace makes one strong.

        When we face challenges with strength, clearly knowing what our strengths actually are, we have a much more successful outcome to any challenge.

        This is the concept I used with the government corruption situation, as we talked about it on another thread. This is what I used when exposing a toxic business. This is what I used with the changes in the correctional dept., this is what I use in my everyday practice of the life experience.

        I do not fight. I do my homework (research, information, strength), yield to the situation (become a part of it so I can encourage change from within), I remain clear and balanced.
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        Sep 26 2012: TL, People in a dangerous situation that believe the guy with a gun is weak do not have a real appreciation for the circumstances.

        That you believe as you do is great for you. But I strongly urge you to never put it to the test against a theif, robber, gunman, etc ... I fear you will lose.

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          Gail .

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          Sep 27 2012: How do you think that I figured it out? I have faced imminent an imminent rape and used the power of peace to end the situation. I didn't know that's what I did, and I found the situation curious, but then, a few years later, I faced imminent death and used the power of peace to end the threat. The 2nd event was so amazing, there could have been no doubt. I didn't speak a word, but the aggressor turned around and walked away. Since I learned about the POWER of peace, I no longer find myself in those types of situations.

          Since then I have talked with others who have learned the same thing, and I have read about others.

          Humans are not what most of them think they are. We are much greater and much grander than most dare admit. We are powerful beings in our own right. We are the creators of our realities. How grand is that?
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          Sep 27 2012: sound like that you have some magic ....are you Cultivate something
          we humans are grand are powerful as you said are notbecause of we have something lke peace or something ..we brand because we have strong emotions we grand because we can communicate we grand beacause we creat more wonderful things like computer .cellphones and so on
          maybe peace is a kind of chioce that isnt say that peace can invove all the thing we human beings
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          Sep 27 2012: Robert,
          I realize from your comments that you have fought in a war, and worked in law enforcement and corrections quite awhile, so you probably have way more experience with this issue than I have.

          Thankfully, I have only had a gun pointed at me one time. Years ago, my home was a safe house for women fleeing abusive violent relationships. The victims were brought to me by staff of the family center in the region. The location of the safe house (my home) was supposed to be unknown to the general public.

          One time, the boyfriend of a woman who was staying with me, found out the location and came for his "woman", packing a gun. He threatened to shoot me and the woman. The staff had given me some background, so I knew a little about both the woman and the man. He was an ex-con who apparently did not hesitate to hurt people when he wanted something.

          I told him that the police were on their way,(which was a bluff, because I did not have time to call them before he barged in), I sent the woman into the other room, reminded him that if he harmed us he was going to mess up his life even more than it already was, he was definitly going back to jail for starters, I extended my hand, asked him to give me the gun and let's sit down and talk......which we did. He calmed down, and unfortunately, the woman left with him....nothing I could do about that....she was free to make her own choices.

          I clearly understood the circumstances Robert, and perceived myself as the stronger person.

          I've also had other life threatening situations which turned out peaceful, because that was my goal.

          I agree with TED Lover....we create our reality. Often, we do not have control of the circumstance, and we always have control of how we will deal with the circumstance:>)
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      Sep 26 2012: Hi Robert,
      "Maslow pointed out the "needs" in life" in a theory he wrote in 1943. If you want to hang your hat on that one belief, so be it. I believe that as humans, we are evolving to the point of thinking/feeling for ourselves. We can be guided with information, but no longer controlled.

      You write...
      "TED Lover is in a verbal dispute with Edwin to prove her point and Edwin does not agree and is not giving up. That by defination is a fight. A argument is a verbal dispute or fight."

      I'm not seeing that....I see two people exchanging ideas and looking for solutions.

      You say..."To the inmates at the prison TED Lover is a target and she is in danger"

      TED Lover and I share many of the same thoughts/feelings/ideas/beliefs. As you know...I volunteered with the dept. of corrections for years, working in the prisons, and I honestly never felt I was a target of the inmates. I felt respect from them. I actually had more disagreements and disrespect from the administrators because they were not effectively managing the facility, and I challenged that. The good news is that while I was there, and shortly after I left, there was an investigation of one facility...the top four administrators were relieved of their jobs.....imagine that!!! So you see? We CAN change things for the better:>) I DID NOT EVER fight with anyone. I simply followed the appropriate proceedures....testified before the legislative committee, etc. I was certainly NOT the only one who followed the appropriate process....several people did.....and that is what it takes to change anything in our world:>)

      I agree with you that some people may always try to dominate others. That is where "know thyself" comes in handy. You often say Bob....nobody can hurt you without your permission....correct? I agree with that. When we know ourselves, we do not give permission to people to dominate and control.....make any sense?

      The best to you my friend always...all ways:>)
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        Sep 26 2012: Colleen, Pollyanna climbed one tree to many and fell because she did not follow the rules. An inmate who "knows thyself" becomes a target also. We immediately put him into protective custody because he will lose everything and become someones girl friend. Volunteers were always the weakest link in the system of a maximum facility and we closely monitored them. However, if there was things going on that should not have been and you got them fired ... good for you.

        Do you think that there is still an exchange between TL and Edwin? Both have taken a position that is not acceptable to the other. They are no longer seeking a solution or exchanging ideas.

        When I say "No one can hurt you without your permission" that is refering to making you feel bad, ashamed, etc ... Kids do not give permission for a bully to beat them down ... or an adult who is mugged is not consenting .... when faced with the fight or flight situation your life may depend on the right decision and the body gives you chemicals to do either and NOW. He has a gun and knows who he is also in the true sense of the word. This could easy be a case of DEAD wrong.

        I used Maslow as a example of needs ... theses nees include the very core of survival and have throughout history sponed violance to gain / maintain the necessities of life, security, and survival.

        If TL and I are in a store and a gunman comes in .... he would see me as a threat and her as easy pickings ... I would get shot and she would get robbed and maybe raped .... and that is the real jungle. I have seen it to often and you have seen it on the news.

        So back to "doomed to fight" As you say some will always try to dominate others ... The fight is on.

        Always great to talk to you my friend

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          Sep 27 2012: Robert,
          According to the definitions I find, Pollyanna is a word used to descibe a positive, optimistic person, which is how I was using it playfully.....to lighten things up a bit:>)

          I DID NOT get the administrators fired in the story I told. They got THEMSELVES fired by not appropriatey doing their job. I, and many others, simply provided information to the authorities.

          Yes, I perceive a good exchange between TED Lover and Edwin. As long as people keep coming back to the discussion with good intent, it is a good exchange, in my humble perception. As humans, I do not believe that we will always totally agree or accept the beliefs of others. However, we can continue to listen, hear, and respect even if we do not agree. In my perception, TL and Edwin are both seeking solutions, so they are on the same page with that aspect of the discussion.

          I think I understand what you mean by ""No one can hurt you without your permission", and I agree:>)

          I think I understand what you were trying to express by refering to Maslow, and I expressed my feeling that I believe we have evolved further than you suggest. If you do not agree....it's ok.....I agree to disagree:>)

          "So back to "doomed to fight" As you say some will always try to dominate others ... The fight is on."

          Robert, you may perceive an attempt to dominate others as "the fight is on", I perceive it as a chance to seek peace. I have experienced this concept with several life threatening challenges in my life. If you do not accept it, that's ok.....I agree to disagree:>)

          It is indeed good exchanging thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions and beliefs with you my friend:>)
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    Sep 26 2012: As long as there are limited resources people will always fight. As long as there is stress people will always fight.

    It is hard wired into our being and all vertebrates. It is called the fight or flight response and is integral to our survival as a species. Under extreme stress our bodies prepare to fight or to flee depending on the stimulus. It is part of life and all it's glory.

    As humans we have the ability to over ride some of it, but our survival depends on this ability. It is part of the sympathetic nervous system and the response happens in a part of our brain that can bypass reason. When you add repeated stress or hormonal augmentation it is very difficult to over ride. It can precipitate rage or withdrawal.

    So yes, we are doomed to fight unless we can figure out how to remove stress and figure out how to equitably distribute resources.
  • Sep 25 2012: Colleen is right, fighting is a choice, and we can all choose peace.

    Fighting and violence are a part of our nature, part of how we evolved, and when you accept this, it explains much of our history. At one point in history piracy was considered an acceptable way to make a living and contribute to your community.

    We are animals, but we are qualitatively different from other animals. We are much more intelligent than apes and chimpanzees. We can understand that others feel and think much the way we feel and think. We can predict far into the future, particularly the consequences of our actions. We can examine and analyze our own emotions, instincts, motivations, reasoning and behavior. We can discuss these ideas on TED. In the end, we are capable of choosing to act in accordance with our best motives.

    We can choose peace.
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      Sep 25 2012: Barry, as you argue from the perspective of human nature, do you think some individuals actually enjoy fighting and are energized by it (thus not being particularly inclined to choose peace), while others are entirely temperamentally averse to fighting?

      Edwin's question of whether people are doomed to fight in my mind encompasses both 1)whether people COULD stop fighting and 2)whether they WOULD choose to were it in their control.

      • Sep 26 2012: Hello Fritzie,

        I wish I could give you a better answer, but this is an aspect of human nature I do not understand.

        Mainly I am making conclusions from history. I have read about wars and the causes of wars, and in the majority of cases the justification for war seems weak, even lame, and far more emotional than rational. There is also bullying, whether among children or adults. It just seems that violence is part of our DNA.

        I have read biographies of soldiers who believed they were born warriors, and have talked to individual soldiers who knew from an early age they would join the military. Personally, I have no such inclinations. I have always had a fascination with war, but that could be explained by the fact that I was born shortly after WWII, and my father was part of that war.

        Yes, I believe fighting and violence are part of our nature, but there is also a much better part of us. Yes, we can stop fighting and I think that eventually we will all choose to stop fighting. That also seems to be the trend of history.
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          Sep 26 2012: Thank you, Barry. My own observations, which are disconnected from war and physical fighting, is that some people have no inclination at all to temper (and the fighting that is connected to it) and others do and have a difficult challenge controlling their tempers. Aggressiveness is a personality trait that is measured on a scale and is, I believe, a nearly stable personality attribute, not in the sense that those who tend toward anger are always angry but that the tendency to respond to challenge or perceived insult with anger is stable.
          Like you I am not expert in this, but that has been my impression from reading.
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          Sep 27 2012: Barry and Fritzie,
          I agree that "fight or flight" may be a natural instinctive behavior when we feel threatened. I also agree with you Barry that we are evolveing, and have the ability to think and feel beyond some natural instincts.

          I am not an expert either, and I have only read a LOT, researched, studied, observed human behavior and most important, applied the information to life circumstances. I agree Fritzie, that there may be people who cannot, or will not change.

          My experience volunteering with incarcerated offenders, tells me that some WILL choose to change. In cognitive self change sessions I co-facilitated, some of the guys seemed to accept and use new information and apply it to their own situations.

          Many of them are easily angered, antagonized, and prone to knee jerk actions/reactions. One of our main objectives was to get them to think about, and feel what they were doing. At the beginning of the sessions, I often asked..."what were you thinking....what were you feeling"? The answer usually was "nothing....just did it". With new ideas about how to deal with situations, they sometimes made different choices.

          Fighting with each other or with corrections officers often got them extended jail time, solitary, etc. They kept doing it over and over again and blaming the other person, the system, etc. We reminded them of THEIR choices in the situation....THEIR genuine strength and power. THEY had a choice to walk away, or engage. If they wanted to continue to get more jail time, solitary, etc., then continue to fight. If they wanted something different for THEMSELVES, make different choices.

          We actually had a couple guys who said to their antagonist "thank you for the opportunity for me to practice walking away"....and they walked off in the other direction! We asked them how that felt....they said GREAT! This is REAL strength and power....to be able to make our own choices. If we don't make our own plan, somebody else will. Whose script do we follow?
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          Sep 27 2012: Colleen, I had missed this reply to me and Barry until just now (it's my busiest time of year).

          I absolutely know that incarcerated offenders can choose to change or learn to employ new tools. A long time ago, I worked in a setting that involved rehabilitation of ex-offenders and addicts, though my role was connected to the job training program rather than provision of the sorts of services you describe.

          I never feared for my safety either.
  • Sep 25 2012: PS: it wasn't me singing IMAGINE
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      Oct 3 2012: Edwin,
      I cry with sadness AND with joy every time I watch this......sadness because of what this young man and so many people have been through....joy that he has found peace.....and love....IMAGINE.......
      • Oct 4 2012: hi Colleen

        Thanks for link, I actually seen the programs (well only that part by chance - I normally don't watch TV) and I was moved as well.

        Honestly I have never paid attention on lyrics of a song - (never learned to sing a whole song) from that moment on, I started to listen only the lyrics, search for the, learn them, get to know them and sing with them. (I am a terrible singer without doubt) but I am not the only one who wants to sing IMAGINE, who wants PEACE for us all.

        Thank you
  • Sep 25 2012: I see your point, and I love your enthusiasm. However, without fight, we can't face the reality. Siblings strengthen their friendship through sharing lots of memories together--including memories of fighting each other. We fight for justice. We, young people, stand up to conventional thoughts. People fight to protect something they value. More often, people fight because of trivial matters, religion, politics, others' criticisms, selfishness, and so on. We have to pursue peaceful ways of solving problems, indeed. Fighting is not a good thing, and we really need to find a way to talk with people with more open-minded attitude. But without fight, we can't recognize the fundamental problems in it. Surely, you're not talking about silence, right? I don't like to see young children fighting each other and say something vulgar. But I especially hate to see adults just go there and tell them to apologize to each other--even though they're still mad at each other. When adults just show neutral attitude toward them and tell them, “You’re both wrong no matter what”, they get sick and tired of the way the adults deal with their problem. Perhaps that's why children don't want adults to be involved. Of course, that doesn’t mean we should ignore bullies. Right now I’m talking about the fight that we can see very commonly among our kids--and that also doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t stop a fight when a child tries to attack the other one with a weapon. Instead, we should let them fight. Let them solve their problem on their own. We could be their advisors, but we shouldn’t be the judges. When my best friend and I were fighting each other, my home room teacher just scolded us and asked us to apologize to each other. We reluctantly apologized, but we still didn’t forgive each other for a while. What we should really worry about is not a seemingly noisy and aggressive fight, but a barrier inside of our minds that hinders true conversations, and further, true relationships.
    • Sep 25 2012: Hi Elizabeth

      Thanks for your note, I highly value your point here.

      "without fight, we can't face the reality" do you think we can find another way facing reality without using force?

      Bullies will always bully, because they don't know how to get respect, the age of bully is too young to teach them about Machiavellian Prince and knightly behaviour. but I believe we can teach other non-bully kids how to talk they way out, this is Conflict Resolution / Negotiation.

      Say at school , in the early years we teach them Conflict Resolution (a school subject called: Negotiation) , would that work?

      I actually thinking of opening a "school" or better to say a workshop for youngsters and teach them Negotiation techniques so they can be aware of how to make peaceful agreements that will make everyone happy. I just wonder if this will interest youngsters, say between age 12 to 18.

      so maybe next generation will learn how to live in harmony with each other. I just hope and wish it!
      seeing that world is in mess I don't want to have children - but I want to dedicate my time to help the ones who are already here and "suffer" and will suffer.
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        Sep 25 2012: Edwin,
        Your comment reminds me of this talk.....have you seen it?

        • Sep 25 2012: Colleen,

          Thank you so much. no, I haven't seen it up to that point, but from this moment on I not only watched it is it my favourite too. I wish I would contact Mr John Hunter and interview him. he is a great inspiration.

          This made me believe if he can do it, I can do too.

          Thanks again
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        Sep 26 2012: Hi Edwin,
        It is one of my favorite TED talks as well. If we could teach our children negotiation, mediation and conflict resolution practices when they are very young, we may have a chance to create more peace in our world?

        I love to see all the young insightful people commenting on TED....YES WE CAN...it gives me hope:>)
        • Sep 26 2012: Indeed, Yes We Can, after watching that talk, I started to believe that YES We can do it, there are young people who will be interested in it. I was just thinking in more adult way of education, I didn't think through game, although Negotiation is a game and a dance, back and forth action.

          all night long my mind was running I couldn't sleep till 4 AM and I had to go to work at 8 AM, and now I think of making it a Project and present it to schools (one will agree I believe)

          Thank you again
    • Sep 25 2012: "What we should really worry about is not a seemingly noisy and aggressive fight, but a barrier inside of our minds that hinders true conversations, and further, true relationships."

      I agree, it is the barrier inside that is the bigger problem. I think we should still stop violence among children, but that inner barrier should also be addressed. A fight among children is an opportunity to teach nonviolent ways to resolve conflict and build relationships.
      • Sep 26 2012: Barry,

        Thanks for you note, I believe by now you already know about Marshall Rosenberg's work on Non-Violent Communication.

        The good point there was that when we are angry it is possible we get to our head and start to invent things to fight or argue, but when we try to go to our heart and try to connect with our feelings it is possible that instead of fighting / arguing we start to seek peace.

        I do agree no pain no gain version of achieving our goals, (say Peace) and even most powerful people, someone like Gandhi, couldn't achieve his goal without bloodshed.

        Bully will always will be bully, I am not against them, I know they simply don't know how to get respect, they use violence to get it. it is similar in Mafia, where the respect is commended ( and not earned).

        so instead of going to break the barrier of our mind, let's go to our open heart and there seek solutions and teach the youth to do so. and this may stop the war.
  • Sep 25 2012: "ARE WE DOOMED TO FIGHT?"

    Maybe someday an aggressive alien civilization will give humans an excuse to stop killing each other and only kill aliens from then on.
    • Sep 25 2012: so this means that violence is our nature... and we can't help.
      today we kill humans, tomorrow we will kill aliens.

      I agree that no revolution has happened without gunshots, but after being so connected to each other through Information Technology and gaining knowledge from each other makes us a bit smarter than before, but we still act as we were acting before.

      if our great minds knows how to stop it, or where the first step lies (William Ury's talk) what stops us taking that first step and follow them.
      We have always been inspired by our leaders and commanders, we followed them to protect our kings and empires (or to attack other nations to show our power and conquer their lands and wealth).

      The point is, going back to tribe ages, people fought not for gold , because it was everywhere in Africa.
      and if today's African Tribes know how to negotiate peace (without having Harvard University Degrees) how comes we as "educated" as we are can't,

      among all the creatures on the earth only human being are gifted to talk. so we can understand each other by using our languages without using any guns , can't we?
      • Sep 25 2012: "so this means that violence is our nature... and we can't help. today we kill humans, tomorrow we will kill aliens."

        Probably, we're just Klingons without the ridges, I mean, under a global government there could be temporary world peace, but without an outside threat (or the people perceiving one) the tiniest differences of opinions would eventually lead to polarization, followed by civil war, followed by a period of peace and so on. Maybe there would be decades or even centuries in between these civil wars but they will happen if no outside threat is perceived. If 200 years from now society's biggest disagreement will be a debate over the correct color for streetlights then there will be a war over the color of streetlights.
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    Gail .

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    Sep 25 2012: You asked, "if we can learn how to embrace otherness, will we still fight?" Yes. BUT - If you learn how to embrace your greatness, fighting can come to an end.

    When individuals start asking themselves "what am I" and start seeking an awareness to the answer to that question, irrational fear goes away, as does the desire to dominate. The desire to dominate is nothing more than an expression of fear of one's perceived vulnerability.

    Our thoughts, emotions, and feelings are tools, but these tools are being used as weapons. When we understand why why we have them and how they can serve us, we can accomplish wonderful things.
    • Sep 25 2012: if I embrace my greatness I will see you inferior, as many countries does nowadays. the result? endless wars!

      in their own countries is camera-fight on the other side is bloodshed, how much greatness is that?

      who would admit that doesn't understand their thoughts, emotions and feelings and don't know how to use it? (the ones who would admit being a bad driver - who would say so?)
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        Gail .

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        Sep 25 2012: You misunderstand. Only when you embrace your greatness can you see equality. You and I come from two completely different worldviews.
        • Sep 25 2012: if you think I misunderstand then explain it to me.

          it is clear that if one doesn't understand / or misunderstand the message it is not his / her problem it is the senders problem, who didn't make it easy to receiver.

          maybe this is one of the issues that we end up fighting.
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          Sep 25 2012: I do not agree that misunderstanding is always the "senders problem". Any communication takes at least two people, and in my perception, both are equally responsible for the communication.

          I think this may be another way to say the same thing TED Lover is saying...
          We cannot honestly give to someone else, something we do not have within and for ourselves. When we embrace our own greatness, we can better recognize and understand the greatness of everyone.....yes? How can we extend respect, compassion, empathy, unconditional love to others, if we do not have it in ourselves?
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        Sep 26 2012: Edwin,
        You write...."if I embrace my greatness I will see you inferior".
        • Sep 26 2012: Colleen,

          IF I embrace my greatness I may think I am greater and better person than you are, so this may lead to see you inferior and that might make me to sorry you or to scare you.

          but in reality I embrace equality, I see and accept others as my equal and I love and threat them as they want to be loved and treated.
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        Sep 27 2012: It is a choice Edwin....is it not?

        We can embrace our own greatness and think that everyone else is inferior...OR....we can embrace our greatness and realize that everyone else is great as well? I think/feel it is as you say....we embrace equality.....PERFECT!
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      Sep 25 2012: Well said TED Lover. I also suggest that when individuals start asking themselves "what am I" and start seeking an awareness to the answer to that question, more people may recognize our interconnections with each other. When we harm others, we are also harming ourselves, because we are all connected.

      I agree... the desire to dominate is nothing more than an expression of fear of one's perceived vulnerability. Sometimes, folks perceive vulnerability because they feel alone. When we realize that we are all in this (the life experience) together, one may not feel as vulnerable.
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        Gail .

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        Sep 26 2012: Thank you for articulating that so well. I didn't know how to begin.
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          Sep 26 2012: Dear TED Lover,
          You said it perfectly fine. Sometimes, there are many different ways to say the same things....yes? That is what we humans need to learn, accept and practice, if we are to live together more peacefully in our world:>)
      • Sep 26 2012: THANK YOU
  • Sep 25 2012: To the original question, are we doomed to fight, I say yes. It is our animal instincts to seek dominance, not everyone can over come this.

    To me the real question is, whether it is bad that we fight. To which I say no, without fighting this world would be dull, humanity would die out if the fighting stopped. We would grow too numerous, and destroy ourselves completely
    • Sep 25 2012: so our brains are programmed to listen and to watch and to read only about fights, this is exciting, isn't it... the Good news is dull, and boring (however there isn't any good news - maybe only about celebrities who married who and so sleeps with whom - this is good news)

      what if that fight was in your own country in your own home town, would you still say that it is not bad that we fight?

      I haven't come across a society or country that dies out without fighting.

      • Sep 25 2012: I never said only, while other news can be interesting, news about strife and fighting is often more prevelant and I believe gets read and interacted with more. It adds a certain.. spice to a situation.

        It would not be good for me, but for humanity it would be good. Think of it this way without fighting/war there would be over 10 million more people in the world during the time period of WW2, war and aging is humanities only natural controls that slow down our overpopulation.

        I also haven't come across a society or country that succeeded without fighting