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On Parenthood, and "Opting Out"
A strange topic to place side by side, no? Well, maybe not... In numerous psychological studies, it has been shown that marriage, and parenthood, both dramatically reduce the chances that a human being will take their own life. Wait, is this about suicide? No, not entirely.
This is about a phrase, uttered worldwide by parents, which they refuse to elaborate on "When you have a child, you'll understand"... "There is no way I can explain it to you, it just makes you a different human being, when you have a baby"... Recently Joe Rogan even reminded me "America will never vote for someone who doesn't have children. People who have children, would never put someone who didn't have children, in charge of their military... It's a weird thing... We don't trust you".
What do you really mean? Well I have an answer. Once you have a child, you have made the conscious choice, to create life in your current environment. Thus, you are no longer allowed, to "opt out". This applies not just to suicide however, it applies to revolution, and homesteading.
In the mind of every young person, but man especially, there is a desire to feel free from the constraints of society. A desire to run with the wolves and park yourself under a tree near a river. Or, a desire to fundamentally change, and re organize the society you live in. Finally, in your darkest moments, as Ralph Steadman said of Hunter Thompson "he would feel real trapped if he didn't know that he could commit suicide at any moment. I don't know if that is brave or stupid or what, but it was inevitable."
Once you have a child, you are no longer allowed to think like this, and you must re organize your life accordingly. You cannot leave the society that you brought someone else into. You brought a person into this society, and now it's hungry... Stop wasting your time thinking nonsense.
I would like to suggest, that this is the reorganization, chemical and cognitive, which occurs during parenthood.
W. Ying 10+
Our instincts (Ancestors’ successful experiences) determine strictly the consecutive process of life:
Being parented ===> Growing up ===> Loving sexually ===> Parenting.
No step can go wrong without problems.
The chemical and cognitive reorganization are the intermediate products of the instinct information processing.
kilani tago
Andres Aullet 10+
It is no mystery that the chemistry of our brain as well as billions of its connections, can change as a result of our conscious decision to focus on different priorities.
On one hand, memories are usually recorded more vividly and can be recalled easier, when they are encoded in parallel with strong emotions (such as the joy of enjoying a good time with your offspring or the disproportionately strong reaction we parents tend to have when our offspring does mundane things they should not be doing and that would not bother us coming from a stranger).
On the other hand, the areas of the brain that are active in storing and recalling memory, are the same areas of the brain involved in long term planning.
It is no wonder then that as soon as one spends even the first few seconds with a child of our own, we get hooked into this cycle of stronger-longer-lasting memories, and the preference of these memories in our planning for the future over other, weaker memories
Interesting field for research, it seems!
cheers
Feyisayo Anjorin 50+
Likewise, good parents would have challenges, but they do recognise their contribution in bringing another life into the world, and they would try their best to meet essential needs.
Good planning and focus will be on successful parenting; with no thought of opting out(failure).
Progress in life and for humanity comes in form of opportunities for greater responsibilities and hardwork; but only a few do realise it .
Barry Palmer 50+
IMO, you have found just one part of the reorganization. Fritzie stated another part, parental love. Another part is the reorganization of your desires and priorities, how you want to spend your time. There is the whole nesting phenomena, suddenly the idea of owning your own home seems like a good idea, and for reasons you cannot fully verbalize, it is important. Security becomes a necessity. You no longer take the risks that were an everyday part of your life. One parent is always sober.
It can even affect your memories. I met a young couple once who said that they literally could not remember how they used to spend their time before their baby was born. Literally.
"There is no way I can explain it to you, it just makes you a different human being, when you have a baby".
This quote is literally true. Most parents cannot explain it. I have been a parent for 37 years, and have given this question some thought throughout those years, and I am sure I will miss aspects of this reorganization.
Most parents will entertain thoughts of opting out, but for the vast majority this is just a stress reliever. Some parents opt out temporarily, but this is just taking a break. Actually opting out, permanently, is not a real option.
David Hamilton 50+
I just wanted to be honest about this aspect publicly, and see the response of other parents, because I think this is an aspect which is difficult, but important to explain, especially to a young depressed teenager for example. Honesty in this realm however is a bit difficult, especially once you've crossed the threshold and no longer think the same way.
Mercuro Chrome
edward long 100+
David Hamilton 50+
I wouldn't have broached this subject so publicly if I didn't have at least experiential evidence backing up my claim. I think being a bit more honest, and scientific about explaining phenomena like this, might really help some confused, and frustrated young teenagers, if their parent has the strength to be honest.
edward long 100+
David Hamilton 50+
When you're a teenager, or young adult, occasionally you will entertain these ideas. Personally, I still consider wandering off the beaten path on a "Walden" like retreat for a few months because I'm not a fan of my society. If I make the decision to have a child, I will no longer allow myself to think like that.
I think the brain actually reorganizes itself naturally when you have children, in order to discourage these thoughts, whether you like it or not... After it does so, it becomes very difficult to expain to people without children, what exactly has happened.
edward long 100+
And there is Love,
there is Love."
Mercuro Chrome
Anyway, what none of you childless cowards understand is this... parents, responsible ones, hide a secret, the see themselves in their kids. This extension of self is what you want to protect more than anything else, at least when they are young (once they grow... I don't know, ask me in 15 years). Don't get me wrong, we understand it is not us and that it is a different person. It is just that deep down there is some weird pride when you see a piece of your own flesh and blood... it's miraculous... that is until you hear Yo Ho! from Jake and the Neverland Pirates, at that time it is hell on earth...
David Hamilton 50+
Mercuro Chrome
Once you have a child it's precisely when the desire to change society kicks into high gear. There is no motivation greater than that. You want yourself to be better for your kids, you want them to live better, to think better, to be better than you ever were... and so on. But it is not a biological reaction, it is a choice.
You are either too young or too naive to see that, so in the word of Sir Paul "live a little, be a gypsie, get around, get your feet up off the ground, live a little, get around..."
David Hamilton 50+
If you don't see how, "I had children because I'm awesome and there needs to be more of me even though the world is dramatically over populated..." Is a bit narcissistic, cruel, and funny, from my perspective, I can't help you there, it just is, I have a dark sense of humor, but I didn't want you to think I meant it literally.
I don't see any evidence that parents want anything to do with society here in America... Their children are likely to grow up poor enough to have no option but military service, to pay off the public loans their parents told them to take, for a college degree, in their passion... some fine art. Their military is used as a tool for profiteers.
I'm sure they'll start working hard to solve those problems after "Keeping up with the Kardashians" is over. I'm sure you are a devoted parent, who also has a social conscious, and you may even be active, but most parents don't have time for that. The fact that Obama, OR Romney, could possibly be chosen to represent this country in 2012, is proof that "parents" in America, do not care at all about their children.
To be fair, they are too busy spending time with their children, and dealing with the nightmare that is raising them, to focus on the people trying to enslave them. I do not blame them, but they are certainly less active than they need to be if they wish to have competent leadership.
I've been many places, and quite a few have much better family values than America, but all seem to have the similar value of not thinking about revolution, suicide, or going off into the wilderness as often, after having children, even when their society is in desperate need of reform... Just a simple observation.
Personally, I don't think I'll have a child though, unless I adopt
Linda Taylor 50+
Mercuro Chrome
Linda Taylor 50+
We all get that desire to feel free from the constraints of society. A tree near the river. The gym or spa. The bar. A foreign country.
And some of us do.
That whole baby stuff wears off real fast. But it's a nice idea. Chemical and cognitive reorganization could excuse a lot of behavior...
David Hamilton 50+
Linda Taylor 50+
Who does not matter. Spouse, neighbor, the lady taking so long to check you out of the grocery store. The kid. The driver in front of you that won't move. Murder. Murder would be good right about then.
The true miracle is that parents do not run around in a psychotic rage killing people. Oh wait, some of them do. My bad.
Just saying the self interest sometimes turns into just surviving. And still loving your kids.
Barry Palmer 50+
This touches my heart and soul. So true.
David Hamilton 50+
So, parents are much less likely to opt out... but far more likely to actively pursue "anyone who messes with my family".... very interesting, really funny too : )
Mercuro Chrome
James Zhang 30+
David Hamilton 50+
I think happy people, who actually wanted to have children, and still have romantic feelings towards one another, rarely beat their children, or neglect them. In both men and women, seratonin levels increase after parenthood, and for the men, their is almost no physical component which would explain why. In women, so much happens with their bodies during the experience, physical changes only make sense. Physically for men, it's the same as any other climax.
I think the seratonin production, is a conscious act. I think when you see your child, your brain re adjusts, and when you start to have an "opt out" type of thought, it kicks up your seratonin and says "snap out of it". This would make a lot of evolutionairy sense to me, and explain why it is so difficult to explain.
James Zhang 30+
I can see why living organisms would need to have a mechanism where a living organism becomes more committed to the offsprings... It would definitely guarantee that the next generation survives.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
I think for many or most people it is, rather, the never-before-imagined hugeness of love they feel from the time they first hold that baby and that lasts forever.
David Hamilton 50+
Thus in times of great struggle, depression, frustration with society, poverty, etc... Rather than thinking, "I need to get out of here", your brain has been re organized to think "What about Child A?". In taking the focus of your life off of yourself, you lose the "opt out" desires and thoughts. Not entirely, but enough to dramatically lower suicide rates, and revolutionairy activity, lol.
I am basically arguing that the input, of the experience, causes a reorganization of your brain, rather than the other way around. I don't think your brain starts spitting out seratonin automatically at random... I think you lose your ego, and begin to think of your offspring, rather than yourself in times of great struggle... This makes thoughts of love kick in during strife, rather than thoughts of opting out. That changes your chemical composition... rather than the other way around.
I am also suggesting the part we "really can't understand"... Is how much that love, changes the way you think about other things. In both a good way and a bad. Everything is less important, outside of your family, because most people, are the most important thing in their life, parents, are number to, so in their eyes, where do a third parties problems fall?
Fritzie Reisner 100+
You don't love others less because you are a parent.
Parents do tend, I think, to focus their activusm on issues that affect the future of children (including education or the environment) but not necessarily only of their own children.
James Zhang 30+
I mean if you have one kid to love, that kid gets 100% of your attention. But if you have 10 kids to love, then you can't spend as much time and attention to each kid the same as you did the first kid.
However, I guess more specifically it's not "Love" that's zero sum, it's the amount of time spent to give attention to or communicate to each kid that's zero sum.
David Hamilton 50+
Jinx!
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Teachers and school counselors as well.
You guys, James and David, are probably too young to know Mary Poppins, but she had a carpet bag out of which she kept pulling more and more- much more than it appeared could possibly fit in the carpet bag.
It depends in part on the age of the kids.
I think parents are less likely to risk their own physical safety once they have kids, but I don't think something like activism is limited by having children.
David Hamilton 50+