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Do you find it difficult to engage in intellectual conversations with people in general?
It happens to me all the time. My wife encourages me to have dinner with her friend and her friend's husband. "It's the opportunity to socialize and meet new interesting people!", she proclaims. And yet the same boring conversations unfold. The guy rambles on about how many yards this guy ran, and how many interceptions this guy threw, and did you see how many spiders that guy ate on Fear Factor, etc, etc. I ask something like, "Hey, did you see that they possibly discovered the Higgs Boson at the LHC?" And the guy looks at me like I'm from Mars, "The LH what?". Then my wife makes a comment like I'm a nerd then everyone laughs. I'm far from a social misfit or hobbit, I just prefer to discuss things that stimulate me intellectually. I hope I don't offend anyone for saying so, but most of the time I feel like I'm surrounded by people that are intellectually challenged, to put it kindly. And maybe that's just it, if you consider that the average intellectual quotient is around 100. They're easily entertained and amuzed to watch television shows cataloging the "real world" of college kids living in a house together, arguing over who got the most trashed the night before at the club.
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Colleen Steen 500+
I have never found it difficult to engage in interesting conversations, because I am genuinely interested in people.
I remember seeing this when I was a teenager:
Interested=Interesting
Interesting=interested
You say..."the same boring conversations unfold". A conversation takes two or more people, and if you are a participant, you are partially responsible for how it unfolds....are you not? Sometimes, it helps to connect with people where THEY choose to be with conversation, and then they are more willing to connect with where WE would like to be in conversation....it's a cycle....interested....interesting.....interested....interesting......:>)
You say you "prefer to discuss things that stimulate ME intellectually". Do you think the other person likes to discuss what stimulates him/her as well? If you feel you are "surrounded by people that are intellectually challenged", do you think/feel that they may feel that vibe from you? It feels like you would genuinely like to have meaningful conversations. I'll tell you though, it feels like you are putting yourself on a little pedestal just a wee bit my friend.
I have always had a variety of very diverse people as friends, and I love to talk AND listen with them. My "play group" (guys I ski, bike, hike, sail, kayak with) are mostly retired engineers, and I am about as right brain dominant as a person can be. We have WONDERFUL conversations about EVERYTHING....economics, politics, global challenges, the environment, sports, personal challenges etc., and we also joke, laugh and play a LOT. I also have GREAT conversations with the teenager who mows my lawn....his sport activities...college plans...interests...life plans, etc.
I would say that most conversations are successful because of interest, rather than intellect. "BE" what you want to "SEE", and have fun with the exploration:>)
Frans Kellner 100+
You're an excellent communicator and I support every word you say.
Yet I do understand the questioner and his problem.
In my life I only once had the privilege to have someone around to talk to in a way that was really stimulating for both. It was an uncle that had many interests and our conversation ventured into depths and heights that stimulated my thinking and understanding as it was for him for he loved to engage any conversation with me whenever possible. As it ever happened among a crowd of people we were alone as well because within minutes everyone was silent and listening while at the same time we even forgot they were present.
It was like our minds worked on the same frequency as among normal people we were used to turn this frequency a few steps down. It’s all long ago but to communicate in this way stays an unfulfilled desire.
I’ve learned to be a silent listener and to watch every word carefully as I say anything back. This way everyone is happy but me. Some people hardly notice what I say but react only to how I say it. That’s the other end of the line.
Colleen Steen 500+
Based on the feedback I observe here on TED, there are a LOT of people noticing and appreciating your comments. Are you noticing the feedback you are getting? I have never perceived you to be a "silent listener"and joyfully perceive your comments to be insightful and to the point. I appreciate you and your contributions very much.
I love it when conversations flow like you describe Frans! I have several friends with whom I can get lost in conversations, and before we know it several hours have passed, and we are not aware of time or space. It is very enjoyable, and maybe to create that we need to "grease the wheels" sometimes? The "grease" I use is curiosity...I LOVE verbal explorations:>)
Frans Kellner 100+
Juliette Zahn 50+
Jake Maddox
Colleen Steen 500+
This is a response to your comment..."You're a lucky girl to have such friends, Colleen."
I have always been very grateful to have wonderful friends and family in my life. There was a time, however, around the age of 30, I made a very conscious effort to expand my activities and worldview.
Prior to that time, I was pretty shy, and as a young woman, I focused on the emotional support and physical care of my kids and wasband (was my husband), as he was building a business.
Because of various circumstances in my life around age 30, I activily sought to expand my world with additional people and activities. Based on my experience, it appears that these skills can be learned, and sometimes it requires taking a risk to step out of beliefs and behaviors that may keep us disconnected, or maybe connected in a different way.
Frans Kellner 100+
Different people, different lessons.
I probably needed to grade up some EQ that was absent as a youngster.
I married a woman that was nothing but emotion.
With the age of 50 I started all over and changed one day wife, kids, house, work and place all together. She was the most sociable person I know of and again I learned much but in the end I know: you can't turn a tiger into a pussycat. This all now is history and I love the solitude, nature and of course a chat with you at times.
Colleen Steen 500+
Really? You don't believe in the taming of the shrew??? LOL!
My wasband is/was a very social creature too, and when I began my quest to be more "out there" I learned a LOT by observing him and how he first approached people. He could walk into a room of 100 people, and in a short time, know them on a superficial or business level, while I was simply following along because I was only the shy wife of this very social creature. I learned from him how to connect with more people, which means there is more opportunity to connect on many different levels.
I also learned to find balance because I LOVE having those long, meaningful, insightful chats with some friends at certain times.....I LOVE doing sport activities, sharing laughs, and comradery, I LOVE nature and solitude, and I LOVE chats with you as well Frans...thanks for being you and sharing the gift:>)
Jake Maddox
John Moonstroller 30+
I'm told ,before we attend family functions, by my wife to keep my mouth shut. :)
More money is spent on the sports program because of the gambling that goes along on the side.
I liked Marc Rose implication that the smarter you get the smaller your group of associates might become. And isn't that the way it evolves at every party?
When ever I go shopping or out in the public, I stop people at random and and ask them this question:
"Do you know how the rich get richer?"
You would be surprised at the responses.
On the whole, most people don't realize that the rich get richer by convincing you to take the money our of your pocket and putting it in theirs. It' not a big intellectual secrete, just a simple transaction done multiple times or for larger amounts of money.
So, I would pose this question to you: "How do the smart get smarter?"
Jake Maddox
Colleen Steen 500+
You say..."But what is wrong with bringing to light the fact that people with higher I.Q.'s prefer deeper, richer, more complex, and fascinating subjects?"
I do not agree with that statement because my experience shows me something very different. Do you think that perception may be getting in the way of your quest? If you are seeking ONLY people with higher IQs, could you be missing other people who do not appear to have as high an IQ, but perhaps have a lot to offer in terms of meaningful, interesting and deep conversation?
In the example you give, it sounds like you were trying to educate your friend with information you have and he does not have.
You write..."His mind could just not mentally grasp the distances involved and the vastness of space... I just realized that there was a difference between his level of comprehension and my own"
I suggest that there may have been a difference in comprehension IN THAT TOPIC. It does not necessarily mean that there is a difference in ALL comprehension.
Simon Flarerington
I have just begun reading your comments here and there on some of the discussions, and ma'am (please excuse my using of honorific) you are one of life's very rare gifts. I would like to know how wonderful it is knowing a person like you who seems to have such a genuine and vast interest in other people.
I agree with the spirit of your comments, as it seems to resonate with my personal belief that every person is a universe of trillion of myriads of undiscovered treasures which, through conversations, can be revealed.
I also seem to understand Jadek raising the thoughts about the difficulty to "engage in intellectual conversations with people". After all, intellectual or not, conversations between people are always difficult, are they not? I have never ever had an "easy" conversation in my life, not even when I converse with my own self. I believe conversations are meant to be that way, and for better or for worse, I think it's one of the most exciting things about life. Plus, there is always a tremendous feeling of exhilaration after you overcome a difficult conversation by truly wanting to converse with your conversation partner. The difficulty isn't the problem with conversation per se, the real problem is whether or not you truly want to converse with the person in front of you, and whether or not that person feels the same way you do.
Nevertheless, I think some people are blessed with communication skills so powerful that it allows them to make conversations in a subtantially less effortful manner, and Colleen, you and a lot of others here are one of those. Me, certaintly not, but I'm willing to learn and are learning until the day those superb communication skills are in my possession. As for now, I am quite content with spending a lot more effort just to converse with another willing someone. Being able to get in touch with parts of that person's inner universe worth all the difficulty that I may and will need to go through.
Colleen Steen 500+
WOW....I am almost speechless! Thank you so very much for your kind words.
I honestly do not believe conversations are difficult, and in my experience, conversations almost always flow, which seems natural to me. Was it difficult or easy to write your lovely comment above?
I agree that one of the questions is whether or not we genuinely want to converse with the person in front of us, and whether or not that person feels the same way.
It seems like you may not give yourself credit for your own communication skills? It appears from this side of the communication that good communication skills are already in your possession:>)
Thank you again, and I sincerely hope you continue to communicate on TED, and in all other situations in your life adventure:>)