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why most of the people don't know to distinguish between fake & real friends?

in life there are people who really care about us & people who wanna use us just to finish a job. most of us always fall for the later ones. but in the end, its these real friends, who were hurt by us, but care about us even after, stay on our side.

how to find these kinda caring people in our life as early as possible??

all suggestions are welcomed

  • Aug 15 2012: You likely always will have both kinds of friends. If you are looking for real friends, then try becoming the type of person you want in friends. This advice I've heard for many years.

    What attracts you to people that seems to hold you to them and want to be with them? What is it about them you trust? Does it seem right to become like such persons?

    Sincerity is a big factor. Love is a factor. Tolerance and patience are factors. More perhaps.

    Food for thought.
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    Aug 16 2012: Logeshwaran,
    I suggest that people sometimes don't know how to distinguish between fake and real friends because they don't know themselves enough to know what they are looking for in a friendship. Mark makes an excellent point..."BE" the kind of person you want for a friend. If we are honest, trusting, caring, compassionate, empathic, kind and loving, we generally attract people with the same qualities. Did you ever hear the sayings..." what goes around comes around"? "Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you"?

    I trust everyone, until I have a reason not to trust. I am very aware of relationships, how they evolve, and the importance of good relationships. I am aware of how I interact within a relationship, and I use my instinct, intuition and all the senses to genuinely be engaged in relationships. When we know our "self", we are better able to know others, because we are all connected.

    When we trust everyone, there will be people here and there who might prove themselves untrustworthy, then I adjust my perception. "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice...shame on me"! If a person is "using" us, we can detect it pretty early in a relationship, then we can change the relationship. There is no need to have people who "use" us in our lives. We have choices regarding who we spend time with.
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    Lejan .

    • +1
    Aug 16 2012: I think most people do know to distinguish between fake and real friends - just retrospectively.

    So if you want to find the real ones early, make as many friends as possible and then - very important - get yourself into big big trouble, into a real mess, into a true and deep personal crisis, ... you name it. But it got to be real, that is very important.

    Once you are there the seperation will settle in and you just count down the numbers to those who will remain at your side. And those who did, finally have a high potential to be considered as real friends.
    And maybe the plural used here doesn't even kick in ...

    At that point you had to reveal the true intention of your unusual experiment, as this would be just fair towards your sorted and true friends, which may let them reconsider their loyalty towards you followed by consequences you would not have looked for ...
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      Aug 16 2012: Dear Lejan,
      You look a LOT like a friend of mine!!!

      I agree that most people know the difference between fake and real friends....maybe retrospectively...maybe in the very beginning of the firendship. Do you think/feel that sometimes, if we are insecure in ourselves, we may accept friends that are really not the best for us? When we are insecure and needy, we tend to attract insecure needy friends, and that may not be the best foundation for friendship.

      I think many friends are different, and we connect on different levels. I also think/feel that all of life is an exploration, so it makes sense to be open minded and open hearted always:>) What do you think about this?
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        Aug 17 2012: Dear Colleen,

        I have absolutely no clue about the person you confound me with and the obvious similarity in this little icon picture, which get stamped at all our comments, is nothing but pure randomness ... ;o)

        Maybe it is a cultural thing, or more of a personal view, if it is about friendship I am very strict about its definition. I grew up with a saying, stating, that 'If you found one friend within your lifetime, you were more than lucky, as you found many'.

        I hope the translation preserved its meaning, but at the age of 43 I still can't disprove the essence.

        As with most personal definitions also this one inflicts misunderstandings, so I will try to be more precise in explaining it. In linguistic form the word 'friend' has no comparative to me and I never used the expression 'best friend' from a certain age on.

        A friend is a friend, nothing else. If I was truly lucky and would have more than one, they would be incomparable, individual and no subject for any 'internal' ranking, as there was no need for that.

        The common use of the word 'friend' is not unknown by me and I do not mind anyone using it in their very own fashion. But translated into 'my world' in most cases I would substitute it into 'acquaintance', which to me is freely sortable, 'rankable', long lasting, short lasting, etc...

        Friendship to me is timeless and beyond need. It is intentionless and free in its character but reliable at any given moment and many consequences. Yet it isn't blind and static and always able to transform and grow. In this it is able to stay within this 'life experiment' you mentioned and does not close ones mind for other people at all.

        I have learned many harsh lessons in this field as probably most of us have, and I probably induced many of those lessons to others as well. Never on purpose though, yet this doesn't change the result.

        Yet any acquaintanceship I see and treat as a chance for more to develop, as I never know about its true potential over time...
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    Aug 15 2012: We can know our real friends if we really want to know. There are people who are enthusiasic about our success, people who have our interests at heart, people who go the extra mile when others think their comfort is too much to sacrifice.
    Unfortunately, those people who are sincerely caring are not usually afraid to tell us the truth. And sometimes the truth hurts.

    Those who pretend that we are perfect and can never go wrong or do wrong, are the ones I'd call fake friends.

    Those who love us despite our imperfections and despite their awareness of such; and who do not present themselves as indispensible, are our true friends.
    • Aug 16 2012: but they are hard to id. sometimes a lie presents itself more pleasently than a truth
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        Aug 16 2012: If a "lie presents itself more pleasently than a truth", as you say, perhaps it is something that you are seeking, even if it is a lie.

        That's when it's important to "know thyself":>) What are we seeking? Why does a person feel they need to lie to us? Why do we want to spend time with someone who lies to us?
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          Aug 16 2012: @your other message

          Not specifically, but I guess that was sorta implied. I mean some truths can hurt very deeply, while at the same time, some lies can hurt equally as much, depending on how you interpret those messages. But whether the other person used truth/lie, the underlying message is still the same, truths and lies are simply another language to try to understand.
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        Aug 16 2012: Perhaps a truth won't hurt as bad, if they weren't built up from lies. Or perhaps truths and lies are simply communication tools to convey one's message, and it is the message itself that does the harm, not the truths/lies. Once the receiving end comprehends the real message, it can either be harmful or comforting.
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          Aug 16 2012: Dear James,
          Are you saying that truth/lie may be the same message, and it is our interpretation of the message that determines how we use the information?
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          Aug 16 2012: Good points James,
          Re: Your last two comments.
          There are certainly blatant lies, which can be flushed out pretty easily. Then, there is lots of information that sometimes, because of our perceptions and expectations, we judge to be "truth" or "lie". So, I agree with you:>)

          Also agree with what you wrote in another comment on this thread...not trusting can be lonely.
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    Sep 12 2012: Your real friends are the ones who are there on moving day.

    Some friends will always pacify you with acceptance, some friends aren't afraid to offer you dissent.

    I like my friends that aren't afraid to tell me when I'm in the wrong.
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    Aug 20 2012: When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

    I used to think there was some method to limit users from our lives, but users are good at what they do. What I have learned is that both users and true friends help me learn more about myself. Sometimes more than I wanted to know.

    What I do know, if you are kind and caring, people who are users will see you as an easy mark and be attracted to you. They will masquerade as a friend until they get what they want/need and will then leave. But I learn so much from them. I learned mostly that I will continue to be kind and caring because shutting down and not trusting is not worth it (that lesson took me years). I may loose out but I will be OK with it.

    That's why with true friends, always be grateful. They are special and I can count mine on one hand and I have been around for a while. We may not see each other for years but just a phone call and we are there. Users are your teachers, you learn who to treasure.
  • Aug 18 2012: Lack of empathy is the reason why. Inability to detect impure motives by others is because of low empathy. Although, a lot of people claim to be in possession of empathy it is actually pretty rare.
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    Aug 15 2012: In reality you will never really know who the person is until a crisis hits. You better believe that I know who my real friends are since I had an unexpected stroke. Some friendhships of in excess of 30 years dissolved while others to which i had given far less stepped up and honestly helped. It is a rather peaceful place to know that you know for sure.
    • Aug 16 2012: can we really trust someone?
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        Aug 16 2012: YES! You either decide to trust no one which is not viable or you trust sensibly and find a world of pleasant surprises punctuated by a few real heart aches. It makes for a full and wonderful life where you feel it all and learn to deal. I choose openness and trust. I live with myself and they must live their whole lives as themselves. Karma?
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          Aug 16 2012: Debra, this response deserves multiple thumbs up!
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          Aug 16 2012: Distrusting everyone sounds very lonesome. Even Batman had Robin, Alfred, Morgan Freeman, and a few girlfriends.
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        Aug 16 2012: @James- maybe what I need is a few boyfriends to mend my broken heart?

        Or maybe an Alfred, a Robin and a Morgan would do it.