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Is there an indispensable person or group in your life with whom you frequently disagree? How has this made you a better person?
The culture wars rage on every day in the news and in online comment threads. We hurl invective and criticism without regard for the fact that most of this kind of "discourse" actually only causes each of us to become further entrenched in our ideas and beliefs. At worst it can push us into even more extreme positions, believing that the emotion we feel justifies our deeper schisms.
Maybe you have been lucky enough to have a person or group who has taught you the value of disagreement in the presence of real engagement and commitment to understanding. If so, I hope you'll share how this kind of interaction has strengthened, sharpened and equipped you to argue and disagree in world-changing ways, in ways that foster community and overcome ignorance (your own, as well as the other's).
Jeff Johnston
Play dumb. My Dad knew that as a young man I would not listen to him as a voice of reason no matter how right he was, I would simply try to fix him due to my misconception of his wrongful ways. But he wouldn't take offense! He simply took it and listened to my view (which wasn't always wrong, but mostly). Then he would act as if I had given him some grand revelation and add to it his views (this is when I finally learned from him).
He gained my respect and eventually I would go to him for advice. It wasn't until I was preparing for college that he finally let on that he knew more than I did. I learned then that my dad is one of the most brilliant man I've ever met.
Since then I have used this tactic in my life. I would ask questions I already knew answers to and learned more than I often expected. I would allow my desire for credibility and respect slide for a moment and gained respect for my peer instead. Then when I would answer or offer a comment later it came with added wisdom and helped with the situation as well.
I would suggest a teacher-student discussion is always better than an opponent-opponent discussion. A teacher-student provides an environment of learning, while the other creates a competitive battle with often two losers. The hardest part is being okay with becoming the student of a discussion, rather than the victor of an argument.
Carter Harkins
walter crockett
Hong-Min Yoon
N SHR
What I've learned from this, is to listen to an opposing view without trying to convince them to change their minds, because it's useless with some people. And in the process I've learned to be calmer and more patient and respectful. and not lose my temper easily, and sometimes just not argue over small things..
Debra Smith 200+
I think We bond somehow in important ways during these honest exchanges.
N SHR
Sean Brother
Radu Johnson
Am I the crazy one ? The majority is always right so I must be out of my mind. But still , I can not help it , I do not believe in this myth or any other for that matter. Christopher Hitchens said "God is like a north korean dictator" ... sounds about right.
So no , it did not make me a better person , it made me an outcast , just me and "Wilson".
Sam Iam
Take heart. It may not get better, but you are not crazy. There was once a time - this is just one example - when it was legal in the United States to own other people, to own slaves. I know horrible things still exist in the world, but my point is that there had to have been people who thought they were crazy during the times of slavery in the U.S., because they looked around and no one seemed to care enough to do anything about the fact that people owned slaves.
Shane Schuller
Because of this i've learnt a great deal each time I had to search for information to present that what I'm saying is factual and how it's affected societies or the world. Otherwise we fine and I'm grateful that an apposing force wrought me my gleanings.
Andrea Morisette Grazzini 30+
There are many with whom I disagree. All, in different ways, make me a better person.
Two young men come to mind, as I've been reflecting on an encounter I had with them recently. Which gave me bracing lessons in a subject I claim some "expertise" in: civil discourse. What's powerful is how they demonstrated my own theories about the impact of reflected reactivity in social settings.
Here's what happened:
We were playing basketball at adjacent nets. They with a large group of teen boys, me alone, save for two preschoolers who were moving between my net and a shorter one nearby, where other little ones were also playing.
When the testosterone-fueled pack began blasting through the preschoolers, my impulse to protect the little kids triggered an angry exchange between me and the boys. After calmly urging them to be careful a couple of times, I ended up literately coming after the teens, who'd continued to ignore me. Instead of moving away, they'd become more aggressive. And, so did I.
So, there I was screaming as I sprinted at them--physically protecting the little kids by blocking the big ones from them. The teens got the message, but as they scurried to a different court, they were laughing. Presumably at my reaction. Which didn't help cool me down.
Now I was chasing them. A wise young man who hadn't seen the earlier display intervened. He'd only seen me swearing and calling the others bullies. His method worked to an extent. I calmed down a bit. But still was too far over the edge to let the aggressors off that easily. And, I also wanted to defend what little dignity I had left.
Rather than explain my reasons, I turned to the teens, demanding they explain why. They answered: "Because you were worried about the little kids."
The next day the leader of the bullies shook my hand. Since then we've had great talks about how easy it is for anyone to lose compose. And, how powerful empathy and "social contagions" can be.
Andrea
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Sean Brother
Ian Young
I learned something from an older sikh gentleman a few years ago. He taught me that the best name for those people who frequently frustrate and confound us is "teacher".
The thought process being that they are teaching us patience, understanding, calm, and empathy... I very much like this concept.
Regards,
Dan Geurin 10+
I once heard this:
Behind every great man is a surprised mother in-law.
Seriously, I think most successful people aren't afraid to put ideas out there and here other's ideas. People who write music together are a good example. The end result is often an example of give and take where the sum is greater than the value of the separate parts.
Most of the people I respect are people with open minds ready to learn from others. I always learn things from people here on TED.
cb cb
Debra Smith 200+
Carter Harkins
This is what I have experienced myself. It's the kind of argument that seeks to liberate the best in someone else, not beat them up with my "rightness". It hopes for a mutual ground, a place of reconciliation, and if that's not possible, then a mutual respect and admiration. It is possible to share heated words and passionate opinions with someone who argues this way, because you know that throughout the exchange what matters most is the person, not the point.
Robert Winner 50+
"T" Bob
Debra Smith 200+
Carter Harkins
But I had one person in my life who refused to let me get away with the arrogance and certainty I displayed. He disarmed me like no one else could. And even though I knew this person was wrong in their beliefs (not like me; therefore not worthy of my attention), I continued to engage, because somehow it felt safe with this person. I could push them, and they let me. They could push back, and I let them.
At first I told myself it was good to have practice sharpening my arguments against an opponent. But slowly, this opponent began to get in my head. I even called him a friend, sometimes. I never admitted he was right when we would argue for hours, but if I was honest, I would have to admit that he had a valid perspective I did not possess.
I came to rely on this perspective. Over the years world events would loom, and it was him I sought out first. I began to see how this person with strange ideas would often have insights that proved to be correct long before anyone else I knew. I trusted his perspective, even though I still clung to my own beliefs on most matters.
Eventually, I grew up, and in the process, let go of a lot of the intellectual pride and stubbornness that characterized me earlier. Now, when we speak, this friend and I often begin to see each other's perspectives even before the other has put it into words for us. And for the first time, I realize that I have had an influence on him as well. We trust each other. We temper each other and strengthen each other's ability to go past the 5 second sound bites and look for the real meat of the thing. We still disagree. But we always keep civility and respect at the front of the relationship. I am a better human being for him in my life.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
There are many for whom I wish a similar voyage of discovery while they are young enough to have decades to use their wisdom for good.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Fritzie Reisner 100+
In my experience, this critical and constructive exchange of ideas arises most often when people actually want to solve a problem well and are responsible for decisions.
It is easier for a person to be stubbornly declarative about views he cannot support when he is engaged in purely social discussion or discussion on which no actions will ride that might come back to bite or haunt him.
Barry Palmer 50+
I think this might be similar to what Marc Rose means when he writes of intelligence used to accomplish objectives.
When I was helping to design information systems, it was critical to get people to work together and contribute their differing opinions, then work through them to decide what will actually work.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
pat gilbert 100+
I do find it useful when debating the other person brings up points that then have to go check.
I almost always disagree with socialists when I refute all of their arguments they usually just fade away but don't learn anything.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Debra Smith 200+
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Debra Smith 200+
Fritzie Reisner 100+