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Why do people who have many advantages in life struggle with ongoing happiness whilst others with far less to be happy about are happier?
Its common for people with many advantages, physical, mental, environmental, family etc to be unhappy and depressed.
On the other hand people with the exact opposite are often far more happy in themselves, with their lives and about the future.
I personally know a blind person, one of my very best friends who lost his sight at age 16. Now at age 24 he is the happiest guy you would ever meet, very optimistic and positive and he believes his blindness is a gift that has helped him develop other parts of himself that he may never have even been aware of.
Clearly our view of the world has a profound impact on our outlook in life but thats the confusing part. If you have a great upbringing and many of the trappings of "a great life", then how do the people with those advantages of birth and environment continue to fall short in their overall happiness yet the people with severe obstacles are often the happiest.
We can assume that the things we all focus on and value the most are what gives us our sense of self. Is the answer as simple as the quality of our values and beliefs are the driving force behind our happiness?
Would people benefit from living as say a blind person for a 3 month term so as to develop other more enduring drivers to happiness?
Scott Koenraadt
For the example of your friend, he was probably profoundly upset when he lost his sight, but then realized that he only lost his sight, there is so much more he could lose.
We always appreciate what we earn more than what we are given.
Jeff Johnston
What is the difference? Happiness is something decided, Joy is something earned.
Joy is something that we fill when we have accomplished something. Why else would we continue to accomplish? Joy is, in my mind, the result of gaining the respect of (though not limited to) a peer. This also helps us understand why we envy those who are famous although we often don't wish to be famous ourselves. But fame, though confused as such, is not the same as respect. Respect is something you can gain from yourself as well as from others.The saying "you cannot love another if you do not love yourself" ties closely to respect and joy. If you do not respect yourself then you will not (or won't feel worthy) of others respect.
In conclusion, happiness is not joy. Happiness is a choice while joy is earned. Joy is a result of earning respect. Gaining the respect of those who matter most to us will bring us the most joy. You are the most important person to yourself, so make sure you learn how to respect yourself.
Mark Hasslinger
Lauren Byrd
This is especially interesting to me considering a current situation in my own life.
Debra Smith 200+
http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work.html
Isaac coulson
A glass of water always tastes better when you are thirsty.
We are happy not because of what we have, but what we gain.
any thoughts?
Colleen Steen 500+
I believe happiness is not only created by what we gain, but also by what we give. If our goal is to attain and gain for ourselves, I suggest that the energy used in "attaining" all that we can gain, may get in the way of true happiness/contentment. If we believe "what we gain" will create happiness in our lives, that may be our focus, and we miss another important element.....in my perception.
To use your example.....a glass of water may taste better when we are thirsty. We also have the opportunity to appreciate and be grateful for every single glass of water we have...yes? If we are happy/unhappy only when we have, or do not have something, we set ourselves up for depending on that something/someone to create happiness for us, rather than making the choice to be happy regardless of the circumstances. Make any sense?
Isaac coulson
you know those sorts of people who spend their lives chasing status symbols such as money, and material wealth, only to find that that was not what they wanted in the first place?
I agree with you in that instance, that this is not healthy.
However, you cannot deny that when a child gets a toy, they will find happiness, if only breifly.
We need to find happiness in the smaller aspects of life that give us a bit of pleasure each day from small acheivements
Otherwise we feel bad trying to have a big gain, and failing day after day, only suceedind rarely.
it is in gaining, not having that makes us happy.
That is why I would recommend playing music, or gardining, as you can see small improvement often
I would say contentment is appreciating what you have, knowing life without it.
PS: I may be making a fool of myself, but I believe that we feel good helping one another because we believe, in our subconscience, that it will reciprocate back to us. Thus we feel good.
I do not know whether you are religeous or not, but from an evelotionary perspective, this makes (sort of) sense. your sentiments?
Luke Hobbs
Barry Palmer 50+
Luke Hobbs
Yet you look at tribes such as the Kumbai, they appear to have "nothing" yet are less likely to suffer depression and suicide because they are too busy focusing on surviving. And at the end of each day, they get to be happy that they survived, unlike us because we can never seem to achieve enough.
Colleen Steen 500+
Do you think/feel it is "having more" that honestly creates happiness? That is not true for me, and many people in our world. There was a time when I was very financially secure, and now my finances are at poverty level. My underlying sense of happiness/contentment has not changed because my goal in life is not to "have more", but rather to "BE" more. I am very satisfied and grateful with what I have in each and every moment....that is a choice. There are so many people in our world that do not have clean drinking water, food and shelter, which I have, and for those precious gifts, I am grateful.
Luke Hobbs
Barry Palmer 50+
I have not read anything in this conversation that I can apply to my experience.
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Addition: This was not intended as an invitation to a pity party. My primary concern is that many of the comments seem to me to be simplistic and completely focused on happiness as opposed to the sources for unhappiness. Life is complex, and for many it is difficult. This question deserves deep thought.
Colleen Steen 500+
It is very difficult and challenging to see one we love in pain, and it is also difficult to know that we will some day be without that person in our lives. Two of my brothers have terminal cancer....they will never get better. I have been with them as they went through chemo, radiation, very invasive surgeries, and all the challenges that go with those treatments. They are both on "management" plans at this point....managing their lives in the best possible ways, so they can live a little longer.
I often leave the room they are in, feeling overwhelmed and sad. Amazingly, it is THEIR attitude, determination and courage that contributes to my contentment in each and every moment. I know that they are on a journey, they make every effort to enjoy the last days on this earth to the best of their ability, and I will support them in that effort as much as I can.
They were there to support me when I have been physically and emotionally challenged, and we all know that life can end at any time. The important thing is to enjoy and love each other while we are here....now.....I know you know this.
My heart goes out to you and your wife, Barry, and I sincerely hope that I offer something that you might connect with. I know I am saying what you already know, and sometimes it helps to have reminders and know that someone understands. My loving energy is with you my friend.
Barry Palmer 50+
Colleen Steen 500+
Colleen Steen 500+
Regarding your addition. Your comment did not feel like an invitation to a pity party to me, and that was not my intent either. You gave a very good example of feeling happy and sad at the same time, which I believe to be an element that some folks are missing in the pursuit of happiness/contentment. As I said in a previous comment, we are multi-sensory, multi dimensional beings, and can experience many thoughts, feelings, emotions at the same time.
People often strive to hold onto the elated feeling of happiness, and often want the sad feelings to go away. We often hear....if I had more (fill in the blank) then I will be happy. You have mentioned that happiness is a choice, which I wholeheartedly agree with. By believing that "stuff", or circumstances in one's life will create more happiness, people give up their choice to be happy/content here and now. To me, contentment is part of the underlying foundation of who and what I am. No matter what the circumstances of my life....no matter how much I have, or do not have, I will be content. My goal is to learn, grow and evolve, so with contentment as an underlying feeling, all other emotions flow through.
Barry Palmer 50+
The addition had nothing to do with your reply; you seem to be more aware of the complexities of life than most of us. I was just checking the conversation again and my post seemed maudlin and incomplete. As I stated in another conversation, I wish for a world where people accept people for who they are, and we are all complicated. The complicated part seems to be difficult to remember.
Colleen Steen 500+
I was wondering if you perceived a "pity party" in any of my comments!!!
I strive to be part of the world where/when people accept who we all are....more the same than different.
Honestly Barry, I perceive us (humans) as more simple than complicated. When I let go of the perception of struggle, life feels more simple.
I know I've said it many times before, and it has really helped me in my life experiences.
"Grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"
Barry Palmer 50+
I just opened the conversation, my post was at the top, I read it again because sometimes a fresh reading provides a different perspective. I suppose this time I was in a better mood, because it seemed self-pitying and a bit pathetic and it did not specifically address the point I was trying to make. Again, your reply had nothing to do with the addition.
You make a good point about simplifying life. We all do this to different extents, because dealing with the full complexity of life is not possible. I suppose this is another area of life that requires balance. If we simplify too much we are left dealing with stereotypes; if we simplify too little every problem becomes unsolvable. You seem to have found a good way to maintain balance. I think I am still working on this.
Colleen Steen 500+
My dear man....it's ok! You pointed out different angles regarding the question of happiness.
I agree with you that sometimes, our posts provide a different perspective, and perhaps that is a good example of happiness/unhappiness too? Sometimes, I'll write something at night, when I'm tired, and look at it from a totally different perspective in the morning, when rested. The really good thing is that WE CAN look at things differently.
There are times when I feel very sad because of my brothers conditions, then I see them, they smile at me, and whatever sadness I feel disappears. Little "pity parties" for ourselves are not bad. It's when we hold onto the "pity party" for too long that it becomes a challenge.
We can be talking about anything and everything from a person we love who is sick, to all the little things that happen to us in our daily routine.
I had a bit of a pity party last night. I did a 30 mile bike ride yesterday, which was wonderful, AND the body was challenged, so I was looking for a nice HOT shower and relaxed evening. I had no hot water!!! Poor me!!!
I'll tell ya that a cold sponge bath was not exactly soothing after several hours riding in the sun!!! Then I thought....well...I have water....that's something a lot of people do not have. I can put on warm clothes and jump into a cozy bed after the cold sponge bath.....warm cloths, cozy bed are things a lot of people in our world don't have. Pity party was over! BTW, the guy is fixing the water heater while we speak.....hopefully a hot shower will be had soon:>) If not, I'll adjust again:>)
You are right....Balance.... acceptance..... go with the flow.... realize that some challenges are much, much more traumatic, and it is still possible to see the bright side of everything.....at least some of the time.
Yeah....I think/feel I have a pretty good balance most of the time....I've had lots of practice!
Debra Smith 200+
You know my story. I will not repeat it and bore you this time!
I just try to remember that some kids had only dirt one day to play with and he or she decided she had a MUD PIE! Now that is optimism or something else fantastic!
Deb
Barry Palmer 50+
Patrick King 30+
I'm not calling for a return to the short brutal lives of hunter gatherers. I think that the solution lies in creating more effective feedback mechanisms that encourage us to pursue our interests. I think gamification could be very useful as we attempt to effectively shift our interests from food and shelter to more complex concepts. Educators need to inspire students, empower them prepare them for the real world, not just pump them full of information. We should also be teaching people how to build things for themselves instead of just living with purchased possessions.
There's obviously a lot more to say, about community, about greater purpose, about beauty in our daily lives. I think we'll get there though, mental health that attempts to work out what brings us contentment instead of just categorizing dysfunction will be a big step.
Levan Saatashvili
The example about blind man - Yes, there are some people who are happy without reasons. Maybe their brain works not like ours (hypersecretion of serotonin) or they are creating their illusions and hard believe its reality without questions, without doubt, without rationalism, logic and pragmatism. Maybe we also must do like them?
Rory Murphy
Instead of living in a big house out of town and running a car to drive into work I moved to a small flat in the centre of town and sold my car. With the money I saved I paid off my debts and refused bank loans and credit cards. I quit my old job and began teaching English as a foreign language in my own home and in the homes of people within walking distance (I'm a Brit living in Spain, but that's another tale), i began to write, and I love it! I bought a bicycle and use it to go to the beach in my free time. I run to keep fit. I made a deal with my neighbours to share wifi thereby only paying a fifth of the normal. All these things plus a hundred other small decisions add up to increasing happiness for me, and strangely, increasing income.
Of course life isn't perfect. But it's certainly a lot better and improving month on month. And really, all it took was a change in perspective, asking myself the right questions and being brave enough to just do it!
george lockwood 20+
Scott Armstrong 50+
Mitch Skiles
Thane Symens
I've also thought that those who aren't as privileged mentally are happy because they are blind to the strife of the world and how much it sucks, or the numerous problems there are at any rate.
Kevin Jacobson
Horacio Bellotti
Debra Smith 200+
Kimi Hardesty
There is an experiement going on in my life and head right now. I'm finding this to be an amazing experience, one that is allowing me to be much more fulfilled and happy. Three of the things I am doing are looking at what I am good at, looking at what makes me feel exhilerated and excited and looking at where I spend my time (the postive time experiences, not the negative). It's an experiment that will have a different answer for everyone. Once you figure those things out, you move forward and put your time and energy into those things. I'm not suggesting it's easy.
Of course life doles out horrible things, death, pain, poverty, stress and such. Those things do take a toll on us and we would not be human if we did not react to them. Learning to take these things in, embrace them for what they are, then let them go, to roll with the punches so to speak, is a healthy way to get past them. Staying stuck in all that angsty stagnation will get you nowhere. One has to be willing to accept what comes along and then let it go. We all have our demons, our nightmarish life events. We just have to move past them and put our focus elsewhere. We do have a choice.
Dimitris Zolotas
Luan Ribeiro
Nicole Small
Lesley Rickard
And then of course a happy person isn't ALWAYS happy but they do have a happier way of looking at the world and so don't stay unhappy for long. An unhappy person would do well to hire a life coach and get to the bottom of their unhappiness so they can start to turn it into happiness.
Q Hampton
What is a "unhappy way of looking at the world?" Pessimistic view? Irrational view?
You can conclude that a positive person is a happy person. Now you can be a positive person but also be unhappy at the same time. Now I've never seen a negative person be truly happy. So being a positive individual will lead to being happy, but that's where it ends. It helps lead you to happiness but doesn't make you obtain it, because happiness is more intricate and complex then just being positive.
Autumn Frisco 10+
I am suprised no one (as far as I skimmed) has referenced any of the following talks:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/rory_sutherland_perspective_is_everything.html
The circumstances of our lives may matter less than how we see them, says Rory Sutherland. At TEDxAthens, he makes a compelling case for how reframing is the key to happiness. (Filmed at TEDxAthens.)
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html
Psychologist Barry Schwartz takes aim at a central tenet of western societies: freedom of choice.
There are plenty more on the topic here but I believe in the concepts of these two men greatly!!
Q Hampton
W. Ying 10+
(1) Happiness must be the short time feeling of things being a-step-better for keeping one's DNA alive. Or, there is no human in the world.
(2) For the rich to make "a-step-better" needs more effort.
(3) For the poor to make "a-step-better" needs less effort.
Am I right?
W. Ying 10+
This is because that "Valid happiness must be the short time feeling of things being a-step-better for keeping one's DNA alive. Or, there is no human in the world."
Diana Pederson
Having a lack in basic needs makes it more challenging to enjoy existence.
Having a lack of advantages can, for some people, provide the incentive to look inward for happiness.
Having both outer needs addressed, and the ability and desire to cultivate inner skills, is the best combination.
What does it take for each of us to develop introspection, calmness, respect for ourselves and others, and other inner attributes which are necessary to happiness?
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Debra Smith 200+
Happiness is attainable no matter how sad you feel today and that conviction to move forward takes you there even if you did not realize it as a destination.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Debra Smith 200+
Carmen Frohne
Autumn Frisco 10+
-Rev. William L. Swig
Prisma Shadaj