- Nicole Kotila
- Houghton, MI
- United States
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If parents showed more of themselves, would kids develop better, healthier coping skills?
I have been trying to determine a cause to why so many children, teens and young adults take to self-injury, drugs, sex, or eating disorders.
I believe that if their parents opened up more about their struggles, and their ways to deal with the stress of life, their children would be better equipped to find safer ways to cope with life.
So, if you are a parent, do you think that letting your children see you as less than perfect is something you could do? Knowing that by watching you struggle and fight to be better, that they would be better for it?
And kids, do you think that some of our coping skills are learned from our parents? If things changed, do you think it would help us?
Steve C
My favorite author, Leo Buscaglia, said that when he was growing up, his dad came to them and said "What are 'we' going to do?" And the whole family came together to help out as well as they could.
I think it could helkp immensely if people were to quit focusing on the results so much, & focus more on finding the positive paths, (and doing so fairly).
Growth usually is slow, (at least "strong growth").
Brene Brown does a very nice job talking about shame in our culture, andl the damage that is doing to us. I believe very much in that.
Mohammad Marohombsar
As a parent, your children will realize your imperfections when they grow up. They'll either imitate them or try to be far from your example. It is all a matter of giving them the right set of morals in childhood to work with in young/adulthood. In doing this, the child filters what is good from the people they meet, and choose the right people to be with. Because, I can meet your five closest friends and already know who you are and even guess your mechanisms.
The parents' presence will make all the difference. And the effects and symptoms of bad parenting show up in adulthood. Each family dinner(activity) will make a difference. I believe you are right that being open and having a close relationship with your kids does equip them well. Just.. you know... equip them with the right skills. (Don't teach em to get a pack of smokes. =.=")
As someone who doesn't have children, I don't know diapers. But as a child, I do know a bunch of things my parents could have done differently. It falls upon me to correct the imperfections they passed on to me. But I am thankful they did their best. (I'm sure every parent does.) And I am even more thankful that all their efforts made me turn out fine.
Actually, you could look into your own history. Were your parents always there to learn from? What kind of skills did you acquire with/without them?
I hope I helped(even if its just a little bit). :D
Dan Geurin 10+
I don't know if I am right all the time, but I know I am doing my best.
Sandy S
I have two children, a daughter and a son. We would be spending time together having a happy moment and they would say "mommy, you're perfect!" and I would tell them only God is perfect. I let them know that I just do the best the can and make it look easy. I let them know there is no shame in a good cry, a healthy scream or having "alone" time to grieve, reflect or plot and scheme LOL. I talk to my children about why I'm angry, sad, happy, whatever, within reason (appropriate to their age and level of understanding). When they go through something, I let have their moment(s) and then I'm there for them. Raising children by alternating between "be seen and not heard" and babying them has us dealing with a least a generation of emotionally stunted young adults.
The flip side of this is: There are two ways to learn something. Either emulate a positive action or do the opposite of a negative one. At some point even children realize their parent(s) might not deal with stress the best way and in that moment they can decide to react differently.
Gail . 50+
Yuguo Zhang 100+
Kevin Jacobson
Adrinn Chelton
Perhaps we could inform kids that they are good people from the start? Teach them to believe in their abilities and not judge themselves or others unfairly. And back it up by believing we as parents are good and deserving souls as well. Perhaps we could share with them methods of dealing with the stronger emotions constructively? In this society one very important skill is how to fail at something without undermining your self-worth. Being a good sport about life and not taking things too personally is something that has to be taught by example or learned the hard way most of the time.
I've spoken with those who self-harm, often this is caused by a deep seated belief that they are intrinsically bad and deserve to be punished for the way they think. Some dogmas in society reinforce this belief and help to perpetuate the behavior. These people could have been helped as children by learning that thoughts aren't synonymous with actions and there are positive outlets available for the thoughts that bother them. Maybe we should be teaching meditation in school alongside economics?
Taking drugs is most often a form of escape from a situation where people feel powerless. This applies to peer pressure as well, many aren't confident enough to stand up to others and say no, I don't want to try that drug. If we could give these people the means/education necessary to help them fulfill their dreams then the drugs would not be an issue most of the time.
There are no absolute fixes for these problems, but we are learning as a society how to deal with them better. One issue we face is with the speed of these changes, of course we want to see them happen within our lifetime. When we get impatient and try to force the changes they take even longer to occur. The only thing to do is be part of the change yourself and it will happen, you can be sure of that.
Feyisayo Anjorin 50+
It is also important for the children to know that their parents think of them as special. This requires sacrifice, but money and career should not be allowed to drown care and concern for the children.
Then parents should build the confidence and self-esteem of their children by words of love and admiration.
Feyisayo Anjorin 50+
It is also important for the children to know that their parents think of them as special. This requires sacrifice, but money and career should not be allowed to drown care and concern for the children.
Then parents should build the confidence and self-esteem of their children by words of love and admiration.
John Allyn
The child reflects to the parents their own self denial. Using as the child as a reflection of what they do not see in themselves will stop the blame game as they assume responsibility for what they see reflected to them in the child.
Antonio Velázquez
I think that you're trying to say that "most people addictions are because they seek perfection, because their parents taught them to be perfect" And I just don't think that's the situation. That might be an excuse thou... The real reasons I would point out is that people are just bored, and when trying to feel better they begin something they can't stop... Or that they have a really damaged life, maybe with terrible parents (not because they don't speak about themselves, but because they are actually TERRIBLE) and they try to get rid of their lives... I can't imagine how can someone begin an addiction only because they feel stressed about seeking perfection, that's actually contradictory... Only steroids and the like, when athletes want to improve, but that might be a whole other discussion
Nonetheless, parents do have to talk about their problems. Not to avoid addictions, but to help their relationships with their children, and, well, to make this a better society... The only way of improving, is to base our knowledge on our elder's, and if our parents had the same problems as us, they might have some wise words to say...
Fritzie Reisner 100+
David Hamilton 50+
Have you actually worked on your problems, and gotten through them in a healthy manner?
No? Well then stop cranking out babies you idiot.
I think the biggest problem we face in modern American society, is that most adults haven't actually risen above drug addiction, alcoholism, obesity, prescription drugs, but they want to have a whole bunch of condom free sex anyway, and then they don't want to get abortions.
If you're not living a relatively happy and productive life... Then you have absolutely nothing to teach a child, and don't have one. This used to be absolute common sense enforced by a threatening and dangerous environment, now it doesn't even seem to be a polite suggestion.
If you have actually risen above the problems of your childhood, then, by all means be honest with your child. If you have struggles and problems in your life, but you still overcome them, share that. If you had drug problems, or self image problems, etc... share it... but only if you actually have knowledge to share, only if you actually overcame the big problems.
If you're still single, or depressed, or jobless, or you need a few beers to fall asleep every night... What the hell are you doing with a child? Who let you have that thing? Did it run away? Well... Don't have another one... and, get your s*** together.
Antonio Velázquez
David Hamilton 50+
"This is the beginning of your movie b***es... You ruined your relationship, your kid doesn't like you, you have no job, you're out of shape... Well, isn't that how almost every great movie starts? You are not the choices you have made in the past, this is you today... What are you gonna do about it? How are you gonna get to your happy ending?"
More importantly to me than what you're honest with children about, is what you teach them through example.
Lawren Jones 10+
Bob Stiglitz
In a capitalist society that means there is always permanent suffering because of lack of freedom and autonomy because of the domestication of human beings by corporations over historical time. i.e. no one is truly independent, modern society is over-specialized and this overspecialization breeds complete lack of freedom over work/life balance. The fact that kids are in school so long is proof of putting too many demands on them and hence you get responses in regards to stress and unrealistic and impossible expectations of the society breeding fear and stress in kids (for their future, lifestyle, etc).
You have to reject our current economic model if you want to get rid of many pathologies you talk about. Since the vast majority of people's lives is consumed by work for pay that doesn't allow for a life worth living and kids know it.
Nicole Kotila
Thank you.
Zdenek Smith 100+
I think parents can minimize the chance of their children developing problems later in life by spending enough time with them, not relying on TV and games to babysit their kids, engage their kids in various activities esp. team sports and lead by a good example.
Through team sports and team activities kids can build good understanding of relationships and build confidence. Confidence is important because it minimizes their need to prove themselves to everyone at school.
Kids should also not become spoiled with abundance in everything and should learn to both have fun and do little work at home.
Finally I would expose kids to outdoor activities esp. hiking and camping so they get a different perspective and experience.
Parents can help kids to build confident and healthy attitude but it requires long term effort and focus.
cheers
David Hamilton 50+
I love how parents always seem to speak double speak nowadays, and it's perfectly "Let's spend more time together, but lets not talk about complex things... Won't that be fun for you?"
If you want kids to stop watching TV, and spending all their time on the internet, don't you think it's important to compete for their time by being a competent conversationalist, who is explaining new things to them? If your parents don't trust you to understand the adult world... then who will?
Adults are constantly, intentionally hiding things from children, and they wonder why children don't trust or respect them... It boggles my mind.
Zdenek Smith 100+
I am sorry if I wasn't clear enough in my post. When talking about adult life I was thinking in terms of quarrel between husband and wife. Many times marital conflict involves complex history, feelings, views and characters. If a child is 6 years old you probably do want to insulate them from all of that and make them feel they live in a happy family. Adults also say silly things they don't mean seriously. Young children do not know how serious a fight is and they take it too seriously and can get depressed.
I agree with you that adults should have as advanced conversation as possible with their children, depending on child's age. Again, because children should experience happy childhood, topics like murders, psychopaths, torturing, accidents, wars, politics and so on should be limited for the young ones until they can better cope with the information.
I think the best approach is to let kids learn gradually about the world.
Random Chance 30+
And so it appears true. Teach children that instead of what most teach their kids. And what do most teach? Neurosis, their own and make their kids mentally ill like themselves and borderline insane, like their parents. When you teach a child to make certain choices without thought, they cannot make a choice because they are not making their choice. They are making the choice of a mentally ill person who taught them mental illness. And many times this involves a life of struggle revolving around self-sabotage.
Your topic carries this truth in it, as parents lie to their children about so much and once again, I propose that lying is the main cause of mental illness in the human being that is not of an organic nature.
However, I must say that sex is not destructive and why do you think it is? It is a natural progression that one must learn about with trust and assurance yet, you, to me, sound like you hold it in a very bad light. I am not proposing anything other than a comment that your belief about sex sounds to me as though it might be a very deviant, abnormal and perverse belief. When I was young, sex was described as being ugly. Why?
Nicole Kotila
Sex can be good, if both people are ready for it, are prepared for what it may result in, and feel safe in the situation.
David Hamilton 50+
I know it's popular nonsense to say things like that now... but the indians scalped people... The Mayans cut off heads... and almost every tribe, everywhere in the world was at war with someone when America was "discovered". And... I hate to break it too you... but, nomadic tribes... Yeah, they don't build hospitals... So their life expectancy stays at 40 for well... Ever.
What settlers did to the indians was horrible, in the exact same way that almost every human interaction on the planet at that time was violent and horrible... As for sex... I'll get into that in my reply above : )
walter crockett
Oh, I'm almost a neighbor of yours, live in Big Rapids.
Debra Smith 200+
David Matta
Both factors are complementary. To talk without love is useless prattle and to love without communication is sterile.
Nicole Kotila
I'm not sure if the cycle kids and teens are currently in can be changed, but with more open communication-- and reminders that kids are loved--I think progress can be made.
I will keep both in mind in the future.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
James Zhang 30+
Parents are the best role models imo. Nothing is cooler if your father or mother were heroes in some respect, setting good examples. And Parents also need to show that they care.
Chen Duck
James Zhang 30+
The parents aren't the only reason for all these problems, but it's one of the biggest imo.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
The question of which struggles to share and which not is an important one faced by all parents. The best answers depend in part on the child's age and temperament. There is value, for example, for a small child in feeling the family to be a safe place and the parents to be a bedrock. As the child has no basis for evaluating the seriousness of adults' personal issues or the resources adults may call upon to resolve those, laying open all the adult struggles to the small child may be misleading, overwhelming, and lead to insecurity. Current adults who observed their parents fighting openly in front of them probably would not suggest that they felt enriched or empowered by this open sharing of struggles. In fact it may have distanced the child from whatever good advice the parent may have had to offer.
On the other hand, as children encounter their own challenges, it can be highly useful for parents to share their similar experiences at that age.
As a child reaches into adulthood, parents have some ground for sharing the issues and problems that may arise in adult life.
James Zhang 30+
The fighting between two parents can be a likely cause of distancing the parents and children. They spend more time fighting and less time listening to the kid. And what's worse is, sometimes the kid may have concluded that it was his/her own fault for the reason the parents are fighting. And I'd imagine that's a horrible feeling when you put that kind of blame on yourself.
But either way, kids want people who can listen to what they have to say.