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In an individualistic world where autonomy is a requirement for human-involvement, should conversation be mandatory?
As a 23-year old female, working at TED with amazing people and amongst the greatest of minds, I find that when one introduces themselves to another, our personal walls dissolve rapidly. From watching speakers cheer each other on during auditions, and watching the personal connections develop in such short time, it's almost as beautiful as watching their brain's dendrites connect all sorts of seemingly impossible things during presentations.
However, walking around my neighborhood of South Williamsburg, my soul burns when the eyes of my peers pierce it with their unrivaled fervor of judgement and apathy [that I secretly hope is false.]
Within all of us, young and old, is the drive and will to connect--so why do we give blank stares to the glow of our phone, instead of smiling back at the faces across from us? Why do we put so much weight on assimilating to the standards of others in order to feel accepted?
I want to ask the TED community to start a conversation where we can all be honest about how we generally feel speaking to others in public. Because, as a former journalism student turned creative-writing graduate, I wonder if we would all be happier knowing that everyone we pass by is a potential friend, lover, or soulmate.
We tell our most painful secrets to strangers in stream-of-consciousness outbursts, but refuse to communicate wholly with the ones closest to us. Why?
Why do you choose anonymity or intimacy?
walter crockett
walter crockett
Rina Kleiner
Rina Kleiner
walter crockett
Emily McManus 200+
Leo Walsh
I know that when I was young, I was contemptuous of my middle-class small town/ suburban neighborhood after experiencing urban life in college. But, now that I am nearing 50, I can see that I was raised in a great neighborhood. With great neighbors. And parents sacrificing themselves to provide all of us kids a safe, healthy and happy childhood.
That said, Middle-aged I would not be so keen, however, to judge the world. Williamsburg is probably not dead, but thriving. You likely just have to learn where and how to look. Having traveled all over the USA, I have been universally impressed by how, down deep, most people from all over are decent. And just want to live, love and work for something worthwhile.
Learning this took some doing--but it was fun. I just had to slow down, be it at a Starbucks or waiting in line at the DMV, and ask a stranger, "How's tricks?" And be more interested in them than in my own ideas. Though I frequently get a startled, "deer in headlights look", most often people were open. And I mostly just listened, seeing myself reflected in them.
MR T
Gord G 30+
Lejan . 30+
two simple facts may immediately disqualify my thoughts on your interesting question. At first I am German and secondly a graduate engineer and both species are not well known for being great communicators ... :o)
But the way you described both scenarios in which you perceived this opposite forms of 'collectiveness' became so alive, so congruent with my experiences, that I will give it a try.
The group of people you are comparing, their 'spirits' and the circumstances in which they 'engage' are quite the opposite of each other. At TED it is easy to get into a conversation, because if you meet someone you don't know it becomes obvious to start a conversation by talking about TED itself. And frome there it evolves.
So having something in common truly helps a conversation to get started, as it gives a good 'reason', almost a justification to the fact that one stranger starts to talk to another.
I experienced, that lacking this 'virtual' justification for a first encounter things usually become difficult to many, as just a view are brave enough to go without it or have the rare talent in creating one just out of 'thin air'.
The interesting thing is, that most people actually don't mind having a conversation with someone they don't know yet almost all of them are lacking this very talent to create this 'virtual justification' to start the initiative. This state could actually be seen as the 'ice age', as it creates this so called 'ice' which is almost literally to be broken in between people to communicate with one another.
So if you do this famous experiment, smiling at people you don't know and for no better reason that sharing the same planet, the reactions are interesting. Children up to a certain age usually smile back, big time, as they haven't learned the concept of false intentions yet. Beyond that age it differs from a honest open smile to irritation to grouchy(ness?).
Good reasons have been lost these days, so let us find new ones... :o)
Don Wesley 50+
Knowing who you are, made the difference for me; entering or not entering the conversation.
"Love they neighbour is the Commandment."
The Look of Kindness in action - Feel the Difference – Cruelty
http://innjustice.blogspot.ca/2011/05/look-of-kindness-in-action.html
Don [From The Silent Generation - the 30's]
larissa green
As for those who seem upset or tickled by me asking if conversation should be mandatory..I think this digital age has done all of us a disservice. We must feel constantly whole and connected with our gadgets and it leads more and more people to feel less and less like interactions are necessary for happiness -- but, it's been proven that 4 hugs a day makes a most happy camper. I know, I know, don't hug strangers -- you don't know their motives, but friendly conversation can never hurt. Others have said they detest small talk and view talking to people as something hat should come naturally and not be forced, or that they have he luxury to choose whom they strike up a conversation with, and I respect whatever your feelings are, but I know you'll feel better after flashing a smile to a stranger...who knows, it could the love, friend, person with whom your supposed to share life with!
Barry Palmer 50+
At your age I could not talk to strangers. I am now 62 and I can start a conversation with anyone anywhere and within the first three exchanges determine where I want to go with it. I think this is a skill that we learn through experience, and as we do the discomfort passes.
Just yesterday I started a conversation with a co-worker whom I hardly know, and we talked about the relative values of sexual gratification and intimacy between the ages of 20 and 40.
In a different TED conversation I made the point that conversations with people outside of our usual social circle are necessary to provide us with others' view of the universe. The notion that our five senses, from our own singular life experience, can provide us with an accurate idea of this huge universe is laughable. And still, most of us think we are right about things; its those other people who don't understand. Sometimes I think that all self confidence is an illusion. But many people do succeed.
Often, we avoid intimate conversations with our family members because we have way too much to lose.
To answer the original question, no, conversation should not be mandatory. But its wise to seek information from a wide variety of sources.
robert hensley
"Why do we put so much weight on assimilating to the standards of others in order to feel accepted?"
Is it about being accepted or being understood? Often becoming accepted in a social setting is really just a path to becoming understood. People want to be understood because if they don't feel understood they often feel isolated, and isolation can be emotionally debilitating; where being understood can be emotionally uplifting. By "assimilating to the standards of others" they develop a form of communication that helps them become understood. (this could be called "the path of least resistance").
Lee Miller 10+
Making conversation mandatory would only make it even less meaningful. True engagement with others is not something that can be forced.
Debra Smith 200+
James McGuiness
Tone F
It may make the world a better place knowing what's on everybody's minds. But after a while, would you really mind what other people are minding, minding about mindful mind related stuff? Or would you not pay it any mind?
Brad Werner
I love the neighborhood story above because I have felt that on occasion. Wondering what they think of me and why nNeighbor A gets invited to a social event and not Neighbor B. We choose to shutdown and keep people out because we are unsure if they will accept us and all our faults or whether they even care to listen about what we did today. We want acceptance but hate rejections. I believe that much of it has to do with growing up. We try to hard to fit in but get rejected so many times along the way that it becomes natural to become more guarded with what we say and who we say it to.
Back to the neighborhood, best one I ever lived in, right when we were moving in the lady from across the street brought treats. The next day the guy beside us introduced himself and his family. A year later a family moved in and right away he began talking to us and became fast friends. There is not a day that goes by now that I regret having to move away from that neighborhood and wish I could find it again. Each one of them put themselves out there immediately and were accepted. We need to take a lesson from that area.
Debra Smith 200+
Would you consider just imitating the best of those who were perceived by you as welcoming until it feels natural (while only sharing what you do not mind hearing agiain elsewhere?) It might meet your needs and feel great to the others too.
Linda Woodard
So I think I need some help as I seem to off base in my understanding compared to those who are responding.
Debra Smith 200+
Barry Palmer 50+
Debra Smith 200+
Helena Ripoll Hazell 20+
Debra Smith 200+
Helena Ripoll Hazell 20+
Well thank you and idem.
My nephew is growing strong and healthy, thank you for asking. He is almost walking and we are all head over heels in love with him; he is simply adorable.
Hope you are keeping well and fully recovered from your operation.
Lots of love,
Helena
Lee Miller 10+
Casual encounters like that are utterly meaningless. The only way to truly connect with people is to talk for more than 2 minutes, about more than just the weather. That requires creating a time and a place for conversation, which is doable but requires more effort than most people are willing to put in. The reason why people "socialize" more and more over the internet is because it requires little effort to do so. I don't think that is a bad thing, since the internet removes many of the biases and inhibitions that plague us in real life.
larissa green
David Hamilton 50+
Men are introverts and women are extroverts. I'm obviously overstating this and exaggerating a bit, and also... Thank god. I always revert back to Dave Chappelle "If a man could fuck a beautiful woman in a hole in the ground... He wouldn't buy a house". If I met a beautiful woman was down for it, I could totally just chill by a stream with a fishing line, and live in a home made hut.
That's how society collapses... Women just stop toying with men, and start humping like rabbits : p
To be fair, I think there are two reasons women love small talk, that make perfect sense. I think you get more information out of it than we do... Women are much better at intuiting personality through body language etc. Men don't get that... we hear about the weather, and it bores us.
The other reason, is that men are usually unhappy, especially in a poor neighborhood. So when you walk up to them with a smile on your face, and ask them how they're doing... They think "You look happy, why would I bother you with how i'm doing? Move along". Meanwhile if a man walked up to them with a smile on their face "Hey how are ya?", "Bugger Off"... "Alright".
You're basically just forcing them to pretend everything is okay in front of you. "How are things? Jeez lady... Do you watch the news? They suck". Instead we're polite, we fake a smile and send you on your way.
Why don't you talk to strangers? Have you read youtube comments? Those the people you really want to introduce into your life? There are some pretty awful human beings out there lol.
Logic defies extroversion... but it is an absolute necessity that one become engaged in a community, in order to find happiness.
I don't like anonymity, I'm me here, just as eccentric, honest, and crazy as in real life.
Debra Smith 200+
On one of the other questions someone is offering free hugs. I would offer you one, but she is way cuter and much younger. Please seek her out. You sound like you need a hug!
Linda Woodard
Lee Miller 10+
Debra Smith 200+
"Casual encounters like that are utterly meaningless. The only way to truly connect with people is to talk for more than 2 minutes, about more than just the weather. That requires creating a time and a place for conversation, which is doable but requires more effort than most people are willing to put in. The reason why people "socialize" more and more over the internet is because it requires little effort to do so. I don't think that is a bad thing, since the internet removes many of the biases and inhibitions that plague us in real life. "
Introversion deserves more respect and almost always offers more.
Thomas Gilligan
At a conference nobody is expected to know everybody else and so there is no tension. The total ignorance means that we feel happy to talk. However, transport yourself a few months from the conference and imagine you see a man on the tube. Is it Dave? ... or was it Simon?.... he isn't looking at you so perhaps you've got the wrong person entirely...
Debra Smith 200+
Raja Choudhury
Debra Smith 200+
Raja Choudhury
Debra Smith 200+
thomas le calvé
who can believe he belongs to a group, when this group is an imaginary structure (democracy, money, history, etc.) ?
TED is a group, but your neighbors are in another group.. you said it yourself, as to why anonymity or intimacy : a secret is the scar of a scare.. judgement and apathy "I secretly hope is false" just means it once was true.
Debra Smith 200+
thomas le calvé
I think sharing is a push-pull action between two entities.
Group sharing is mostly imaginary, after all, what is my main group ? Humanity? France? Democracy? Mammals?
I think a human "belongs" only to the group he believes he belongs.
I think a group is a result : when the same thing is shared, one by one.
When a group is imposed by law, the only thing one can share is judgment.
Christopher Davis
So where does a human being deserve to be judged contemptuously? I argue never. Ever. Not in greed, not in murder, never.
That is not to say judgments at all shouldn’t be made. You can say a person’s tall, a person’s short, without having it affect your overall judgment on the person; it is when we believe our judgments are important does it affect our ability to empathize. And I believe no judgment should be important enough to cause such a barrier to empathy. And I think we should be advocating for that more.
Now this is all not say that people don’t need to feel as though they are responsible for their actions; we do, it is absolutely a needed social construct. But we don’t need contempt.
And if we were able to change this culture of contempt, I think we would see a large change in stranger-engagement. Although it could also happen the other way around (:
Christopher Davis
I think that the general norms of judgment in our society have played a large part in leading to this scarcity of stranger-engagement in our culture.
The culture part, I believe, is important to point out. It is not as though all people who do not engage with strangers are apathetic.
There seems to be a common uneasiness in personal engagement with those one doesn’t know, putting one’s self out there among those who do not. It’s scary, especially because it’s uncommon; the more common it is the more often people would be influenced to do it.
Contemptuous judgment is the root problem, the reason why our culture has become this way. It’s an extreme barrier to empathy. And I argue that any judgment that allows one to de-value a human being is not only morally wrong, but logically as well. And morally wrong because it’s logically wrong.
Sorry, I’m a little long-winded (:
But, I posit this question: which should we judge a human being based on: the biological factors that were genetically pre-disposed without choice from the being, or the environmental factors that happened to affect them to make them who they are?
Would you judge a person with a severe genetic learning disability for not being able to talk coherently?
Likewise, don’t we all act and believe what we do because of the environmental factors that happened to affect us? Isn’t that why we see the trends we do across groups? These environmental factors are almost always impossible to trace, which I believe has led to this belief that people “deserve” the judgments that they receive. But all our actions and beliefs and thoughts were influenced by some environmental property. I grew up to be racist because that was the culture. I grew up to abhor racism because that was the culture. I grew up to abhor muslims because of 9/11 and the culture’s
Luke Hobbs
Debra Smith 200+
What I find it takes is living my values and being willing to endure the painful emotions for a few minutes again = if need be and most often they never materialize because it is not a one way street - the other feels these things too. It does take time though, and I am fortunate to have it most of the time - either because of the type of employment i had chosen or now due to my own illness ( which ironically makes me less attractive as a new friend = i think becasue I extuded health before and now my balance issues and illness may radiate less security within myself).
Time is the one resource even rich people feel pressed for and this might explain what you have experienced. Unfortunately though, I have noticed that it is often those who are blessed with an abundance who are also the most self protective aka stingy!
Bharath Kumar Kunjibettu 10+
If we observe the pattern of TED questions being asked .. Most of them which I responded to were based on global reform , peace and happiness . Here are few links which I felt connected to people :
http://www.ted.com/conversations/11736/what_if_planet_earth_was_just.html?c=480046
http://www.ted.com/conversations/12032/have_documentaries_or_narrativ.html?c=479455
http://www.ted.com/conversations/11992/what_mistake_defines_you.html?c=479459
TED conversations and TED community help people communicate virtually . Well thats my opinion,
Hope it helps.
Thanks