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Can you tell me what motivates a man to get married? What is marriage to a man living today? Do you also have a theory of why women marry?
We all havw ideosyncratic meanings for words. I see it all the time here on TED. When, however that disconnect in meaning touches something as foundational as our meaning about the prime relationship of our life = it is scary so I ask all my friends and interlocuators here if you might help me by sharing your own defination..
Addition^^^^ If a man has proposed to me- can you give me an idea why and what it means?
Topics:
adventures and dreams love relationships
E G 10+
pranoy sundar 20+
Salim Solaiman 50+
Answers to your questions seems to have socio cultural bias as the concept of marriage highly influenced by the socio cultural even at times economic background one is coming from.........
Say the motivation of a Saudi man in Saudi Arabia to get married (please take it just an example without any cultural sensitivity attached) can be completely different while he is in say Canada.........
In many culture for a women not getting married with in certain age is perceived to be her huge disquliafication irrespective of her social, economical status....
So giving a single theory is difficult.......to me it seems the marital relationship of person has got multiple facets which made it also one of the most complex relationship.........well thats my feeling only.....
Obey No1kinobe 50+
David Hamilton 50+
If you're 20 years old, and you're sure the world's going to end in 2012, you don't have any reason to get married. If on the other hand, you want to stay healthy and live a long full life... You probably want to get married. Unless you get really rich, at 50... You're much more likely to talk your wife into sex, than a bar stranger : p
Doug Stanhope has a great joke about life insurance "Basically every month I place a bet, I bet I'm gonna die this month... They bet, no you won't... So far they're the big winners". When a man or woman hit about 29, every year they go without getting married is like a bet "I bet I'm gonna die soon, better get some fun in while it lasts"...
Every married couple places a bet "I bet I'm going to be here next year, I hope someone still likes me... Gotta put that work in".
claudeus gothicus 10+
Debra Smith 200+
David Hamilton 50+
I'm crazy, and desperate... but I'm a believer.
Long term rational self interest is where it's at... Even if I'm standing on the crow's nest of a sinking ship like Jack Sparrow : p
Ahh, pretend to care about your problems... I am never pretending to care about your problems Debra... Have you read my comments on ted, I only ever pretend to care about myself on here : )
Just so you know, whenever I get down to the one, I will have to stop pretending and really care, that part was a joke. As a single man however I do have to pretend to care about an awful lot of problems "just in case". After all, you never know whose problems you may end up having to be familiar with, hehe.
Debra Smith 200+
".I once said that "Marriage, for a man, is the pleasant upgrade in lifestlye, from having to pretend to care about the problems of every woman in the world... to only having to pretend to care about the problems of one."
I work so hard to be sincere because i cannot juggle multiple motives (and again maybe I am oversensitized by experience. The most devasting result of my ex's infidelity is and was my utter lack of confidence in myself and my own instincts - far from loving him anymore- I am petrifed of him.)
David Hamilton 50+
I do it in a weird way, but I'm very traditional at the core. I accidentally worried that you had begun to believe men like me were unicorns in todays society : p
I'm like "No, we still exist... Just a bit worse for wear", hehe. It's a weird world though for men like us. There are a whole bunch of men out there willing to say "I'll love you forever, and never treat you wrong, and blah, blah, blah, die without you, whiny emo song"... It makes "Ya, I think I could put up with you for eternity" a tough sell.
If a man loves listening to all your stories... Something terrible is about to happen to you. It's sad really. People need to conflict, and let their emotions out, on a regular basis, but we're so scared to do it.
Sheryl Katta-Charles
I think marriage goes against "our nature" on some levels but that's what makes it so beautiful-- that the conscience rebel against DNA, the latter of which has its own agenda, namely to propagate itself. In doing so, we exercise our conscience, which is one of those things that solidly sets the human apart from other animals.
Debra Smith 200+
Debra Smith 200+
Comment deleted
Debra Smith 200+
Thank you for your generous insighgts. I am 56 with 5 kids of my own so I am not in child rearing mode. AS to your final valid insight, we may agree that it is certainly 'as', howver, this is a plutalistic group with differing ideas and I was hoping to be inclusive. Please give me feedback to my last statement. It does not mean that I am unwilling to alter my profile. Thanks agian.
richie ohh
2 if the womans would dissapear i would seriously consider taking my life.
Debra Smith 200+
Tim Colgan 50+
I think the motivation (for both men and women) to get married is the belief that doing so will somehow increase the probability that their mate will stay around and be faithful. But does it?
What do you think Debra? What would (did) motivate you to get married?
Debra Smith 200+
I read your response with avid interest, now that i can get in again and I guess my answer is that for me it has something to do with 'belonging' We discussed that book "Sex at Dawn" I think, and I really felt anger when I realized that men who died long ago had highjacked my own relationship with the inputs of my body. I am still working that through in my own life but i still think I feel that if a man wanst to call my body his home base - he better be willing to publically acknowledge me. Does that make any sense to you?
Tim Colgan 50+
I always remember a statement I read (I think it was one of Plato’s writings) that said that you can’t be a true friend with your slave. Even if you believe you have a strong friendship, some event will always arise with makes you aware of the shortcomings of the connection. Isn’t the same true in any grossly unequal power relationship?
So if true friendship is sought with our partner, isn’t it imperative that we seek equality first? And does a legally binding constraint aid or hinder the sense of equality?
Debra Smith 200+
Tim Colgan 50+
claudeus gothicus 10+
I've often said that marriage is ultimately responsible for the ruin of more relationships than any other single thing.. and I'm only half jesting.
Debra Smith 200+
edward long 100+
Debra Smith 200+
edward long 100+
Obey No1kinobe 50+
Debra Smith 200+
Obey No1kinobe 50+
Civil ceremony. No religious baggage. Something between two equals.
For me it was in part acknowledging to each other that we wanted to mutually commit to a life together. We are monogamous.
I was working overseas at the time so it also impacted the way we were treated in terms of visas.
We have been through some tough times and the seriousness and commitment associated with marriage (at least in our minds) has helped us carry on to work things out rather than give it all up.
If a man has proposed to you, hopefully you have discussed marriage with him earlier and have an idea what it means to him.
Debra Smith 200+
Philip Crume
http://www.berro.com/entertainment/funny_animal_pictures/lion_and_lioness_funny_photos.htm
Debra Smith 200+
Philip Crume
In America, our courts by far award custody, alimony and child support in favor of women. The notion of alimony is antiquated and was used in a time when only men worked. Now with dual-income households, it's become a sexist practice. The ugliest sentence for a man in the English language is when a judge says "to maintain a lifestyle she is used to..."
I had a female friend admit that if she marries a business owner, and then later divorces him, despite having contributed nothing to the business, she still deserves half of his income. That one conversation killed any romantic potential we had. She hasn't been married for even 2 years now and she's already threatened divorce. Her husband is already becoming that caged lion.
I'm not opposed to marriage, I just recognize that it has become a lawyer's racket. Divorce lawyers have an incentive to create hostility in the divorce process so they can more easily skin the hide off a man. Either I pay the best lawyer that racketeering charge before marriage by having one draft a bulletproof prenuptial agreement or I pay even more in terms of a percentage of my income later. But even then, I will never know if a judge decides to simply ignore the agreement altogether. It isn't that I plan to get divorced, I just recognize that by getting married, I'm effectively playing a game of Russian Roulette with half the barrels full.
If the legal baggage can be cleared beforehand, then marriage can be a good thing. It's nice to have someone to come home to, to have someone to share life's experiences with, especially the little things, and to care about someone and have that reciprocated. In that case, marriage is a statement: the search is over, a mate for life is found.
Debra Smith 200+
Philip Crume
It's not my own experiences of pain that gave me these opinions, but seeing the pain that my fellow men have gone through. Don't get me wrong, I love women flaws and all and I love being in relationships with women. I support equality. I support the empowerment of women. I support the idea of marriage. But I feel that the institution that has become divorce/family law is heavily rigged against men. Maybe after I get a strong but fair prenup, I can actually relax and focus on the business of having a happy marriage.
The first breach of trust in any relationship is derogatory speech. The root usually comes from an idealist who expects too much of the other, then the other doesn't live up and forces the idealist to accept him/her as he/she is, which may not happen. I know this situation very well as I was the idealist. After hearing someone make the point about derogatory speech, I better understood myself and relationships in general. So long as a couple accepts one another as they are and doesn't expect them to fit into an ideal, then they're probably ready for a marriage.
This new time around if you found someone who truly accepts you as you are and is a good companion, then it will probably work out. I wish you the best!
Debra Smith 200+
Muhammad Aizat Zainal Alam 30+
Debra Smith 200+
Scott Armstrong 50+
Debra Smith 200+
Don Wesley 50+
At some point in a man's life and his search for contentment, he finds he cannot resist the need to become one with another, till death do them part. And he will serve all her needs, and she will honour and follow him.
“Gen. 2:18, 21-24
The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'...and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
It is just that childishly simple.
Don
Gerald O'brian 50+
1 Corinthians 11:3
But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man,[a] and the head of Christ is God.
Ephesians 5:24-33
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Leviticus 20:10
“‘If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death.
deuteronomy 22 : 20
If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the young woman’s virginity can be found, 21 she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done an outrageous thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house. You must purge the evil from among you.
Nice book, you're reading, Don. The parts about marriage and very helpful.
Thanks.
Gerald.
Don Wesley 50+
I do read the Book,
And I listen to the word of the author.
Don
Gerald O'brian 50+
Just trying to help.
Don Wesley 50+
I am a victim of a woman's rage and death by a 1000 cuts. My feelings say I am at cut number 607.
I live in Canada. Some how the Family Court is blind to the effects of the rage.
Don
Gerald O'brian 50+
"I am a victim of a woman's rage and death by a 1000 cuts"
can you explain this to me, please?
Don Wesley 50+
"You must purge the evil from among you."
Don
Gerald O'brian 50+
Debra Smith 200+
Don Wesley 50+
That is not my opinion what so ever. Getting that education before marriage is vital. To provide, a man must have an education. To grow a home and family, a women needs an education.
If any one partner in a marriage, is a "child-of-rage," unbelievable evil consequences will unfold.
This knowledge must be made known before marriage.
What I am doing is letting my horrifying experience write it's own story. Many conversations on TED will reveal my mission to solve the problems of suffering.
A set of words are also symbols of communication.
For example the Chinese have a symbol character, for the following words “short story, long talk.”
Jesus spoke in parables which are to be understood in different situations. Many conversations get polarized because of mis-perceptions by a listener and/or ambiguity by the writer. Idea conversations are very useful to develop the right questions.
I do conclude by inventing a saying “this talk too short for very long story.”
Don
Gerald O'brian 50+
I think we feel an urge to own the loved one. And I think mariage is the ritual of officially taking position of someone, in front of witnesses, officials, gods, ...
It's like we know deep down that biological love is not enough for taking care of the household. So we prepare for this and ask society to artifially hold the couple together.
Debra Smith 200+
claudeus gothicus 10+
Debra Smith 200+
What you refer to may be partially in the relational aspect of a woman's nature. Remember that my exhusband's infidelity cost me greatly. I was ashamed, went to my basement, didn't even tell my closest friends and my entire indignation and rebellion went into building a 'rec' room for my kids. I really have to examine that again- its weird and while I am at it I have ti examine the fact that my anger at him was directed at the way he blamed my duaghter for discovering the infidelity. I demanded he seek counselling for that because I could not face my own senseof betrayal perhaps.So plese do not hink that my reaction was well thought out or logical or automatic- just chaotic, confused and devastated.
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Debra Smith 200+
Bharath Kumar Kunjibettu 10+
A very interesting question , though I am only 24 and not married . I attended a session on marriage, read about it in Tuesdays with Morrie(I mentioned this book previously also). It is a beautiful relationship between a man and a woman by sharing responsibilities . But things get complicated , when married couples start expecting too much from their partners and this eventually leads to higher divorce rates and people see the stats and fear entering into marriage.
In India, marriages are usually arranged and they are the ones that are more stable . Love marriages have not been so successful as arranged marriages as there will be a lot of emotions involved, yet they too are stable to some extent.
If we compare a man and woman of the same age , a woman is usually more mature. Many women love to be cared in a special way so they feel they can achieve that through marriages .But men on the other hand are more focussed on getting settled and having a career and earning respect from society .So , they fear entering marriages because they feel they might lose focus or they might not get so much support from their partners.
With increasing taxes and expenses and work pressure building on people, there is very less time for people to focus on their personal life and maybe thats why people are not so on gettng married
I hope it answered your question .
Regards,
Bharath
Debra Smith 200+