- Fonkou Djoendia
- Richmond, VA
- United States
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What is your biggest regret so far?
I am a teenager. And I love asking questions. Especially to adults. And TED is a wonderful community filled with intelligent people! I think we learn more by asking questions. Please tell me, What is your biggest regret so far in life?
Topics:
Breakdown of Society happines life peace regret
Chris Kelly 20+
Forgiveness is the key to freedom.
Teja Tanchangya
Kylie Dunn 10+
Of course I have regrets: two failed marriages; missed opportunities in advancing my career; not spending more time with elderly relatives before they passed; losing contact with some amazing people in my life and so on. But I own my decisions and my roles in these events, and I feel that I have grown from them. I still beat myself up about things that go wrong, but for less time than I used to. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think of some things from my past and my role in them, usually when I wasn't strong enough to stand up for what I truly believed in, but I know that I am a different person now, and those things helped me become who I am today.
So in answer, my biggest regret would be that it has taken me so long to learn all of these lessons and understand what I might be able to achieve with my life.
Quindolyn Sheriff
Thomas Conant
Conrado Bojórquez
Linxuan Xie
I've wasted a lot of time and kept blaming myself.
But luckily, I've got it all. It's not too late...
Jessica Wang
valerie Heffron
Madiha Khayat 500+
Sean Brother
Salim Solaiman 50+
Kylie Dunn 10+
When you truly work out how to do this let us all know. I'm trying to let go of my regrets as well, some successfully but others not so much. If you learn how to do that, then that is an idea truly worth spreading :-)
Colleen Steen 500+
Living a life free of regret is very possible...I do it, and I am aware of many other people who experience a regret free life as well.
My first comment on this thread:
3 days ago: "Hi Fonkou,
No regrets. As far as I am concerned, regret uses energy I can use in a more productive way. I try my best to learn and grow with each and every life experience, so there is nothing to regret:>)"
How does it serve us, or anyone else to hold onto the feelings of regret? Of course we can identify the lesson without regret. That is exactly how to live a regret free life. If we spend our energy learning from the experience, there really is no room in the heart and mind for regret.
When I was young, I sometimes held onto the feelings of frustration and regret because of certain experiences. As I matured, I realized that I learned something, and I decided to go directly to the learning, rather than holding onto fear based feelings/emotions.
Ask yourself..."how does holding onto this feeling serve me or anyone else"? If you can answer that it does serve you in some way to hold onto regret, then carry on. If you answer that it does not serve you in any way, then let it go. Holding onto regret is a choice in each and every moment.
Salim Solaiman 50+
It depends on perspective......you can say the moment one did mistake and understood that a mistake was done...right that moment s/he is not free from regret....so nobody is regret free all time...you are right from that perspective and I am not going to debate on that. I took "Regret Free" as term which usually we use in a longerterm perspective....
Colleen has shed some insightful light on it above......
What I feel and observed also here from some practical examples (I admire those , some of which really heart breaking as well) we tend to even regret for something which is beyond our control....I am not saying that's bad ...rather it's a sign of great mind one can have......but regreting for things out our control drains out lot's of energy as well..........so what I wanted to tell consiouly I am trying to avoid.....that's why I wrote "Quest" didn't write "achieve"....
Thanks for your thoughts which made me to reflect a bit more....have a good day.
Colleen Steen 500+
Good point! Perhaps "regret free" is misleading. I was also looking at "regret" as a long term perspective, and something we do not need to hold onto for a long term...in my perception.
There is, as you both point out, a time when we may feel sorry about what we did or said, and in that respect we feel "regret" for a certain amount of time.
In my perception and practice, as soon as I realize that I did or said something that was not useful, I immediately change the words, behaviors, apologize, or whatever is needed to change the situation to the best of my ability.
specs 2
Sean Schofield
Fundamentally, I believe in striving to live by a simple mantra - to learn and to growth. That is, time offers the opportunity to make new discoveries (about yourself, others, the context or world around you, etc), the more we can tune into these opportunities - the better.
For myself, so long as I hold to this there is no regret. There are only things I have learned/grown from in the past. Some might have been painful (or even very painful) lessons. But once the emotional intensity passes enough for me to gain perspective, I don't regret the experience. Instead, I push myself to *try* to learn and to grow from it. I then *try* to leverage this learning moving forward. (And don't always succeed, and that's ok too. But, for myself, giving up is not)
I think what's important is to give yourself the freedom to fail (i.e., to take risks, chances), but not the freedom to fail to learn or to grow. The only mistake we can make is believing we can't or shouldn't make mistakes. The only failure we can make is the failure to learn (and thereby rob ourselves of the opportunity to leverage our experiences).
Live. Learn. Grow. When we do these things while loving and being fair to ourselves, regret is fleeting and experience is everlasting and never ending.
Richard Horowitz
pranoy sundar 20+
Leslie Li
I know, it will be very hard to walk out of this shadow as I have been trying for the past 14 years...
Colleen Steen 500+
That is a hard one to let go of....I understand.
Years ago, there was a friend released to my care from the hosp. after trying to end her life. For about three years, she stayed with me for a few months, and went home to an abusive relationship off and on. During all of this time, I was connected with her health care team (M.D. Psychologist, councelor, etc.) as we all tried to support her in her life journey, which always seemed to be very challenging for her.
Finally, she got to the point where she was ready to end the abusive relationship, she got a job that she liked, and wanted to get an apartment on her own. We all felt that she was ready to take these steps, so we supported her in the move.
I visited her in her new apartment, which was lovely...she seemed content, well adjusted...still liking her job....everything seemed to be going well. The next day, her daughter found her dead in that lovely apartment. She had taken an overdose of perscription drugs...again....and this time she was successful in ending her life.
I still sometimes ask myself....was there more I could have done? Did we ( health care providers) miss something? Were we not in tune enough to realize that she was still vulnerable? I tell you this story because sometimes, no matter how much we do....how aware we are...how much we try to encourage others, they will often still make decisions which we do not understand.
Be kind, understanding, compassionate, empathic and unconditionally loving of yourself. We are not responsible for the choices others make. We can be as aware as possible, and still not be totally aware of what another person is thinking or feeling, unless s/he chooses to share that information with us.
My thoughts and love are with you...give yourself the love you need to "walk out of this shadow".
Leslie Li
Thank you!
Colleen Steen 500+
I'm sure it was very difficult for you. You will probably be reminded of him always...all ways. Remember the togetherness you shared...remember the good times you had together. Remember that you probably gave your cousin a great gift with your times together, as he gave you. Remember that we don't always know what battles a person is waging within him/herself. Most of all, remind yourself every now and then that as a 17 year old person, you did your very best, with the information you had at that time.
You can hold onto the joy that you and your cousin experienced, and maybe you can let go of regret or responsibility for the choice your cousin made....yes?
Michael Albee
The most influential and inspiring TED speakers with degrees ranging from psychology to astrophysics to english could probably not have been able to decipher the level of depression your cousin endured. Regrets should emerge from activities or actions within our control – for the past fourteen years you have let someone else’s actions control your regret. While I do not know the exact situation, I do know that your cousin’s suicide was not your fault, nor could it have been prevented.
Heather White 10+
eric wexler
Brian Cox 20+
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
- Mark Twain
I believe we waste too much time with regret and guilt. Do your best to learn from your mistakes, but do not harbor them; do not insult the past version of you with hindsight. If we all had a crystal ball, we would ultimately come to regret our inability to be careless or to make mistakes.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from an art teacher in college who told me art was about "happy accidents." Embrace entropy. For although you cannot control your past, you can most definitely influence your future.
Colleen Steen 500+
"In order to discover new lands, we have to be prepared to lose sight of the shore".
Learn from the past and let go.....move forward into new experiences:>)
Ripley Bullock
Colleen Steen 500+
Sounds like there was a good lesson learned:>)
Stuart Woods 10+
.......So I regret decisions that have limited my potential.
.......I guess I'm saying that action is the antidote to regret.
Colleen Steen 500+
I volunteered in a terminal care facility and experienced people expressing regrets as they were dying. People often have regrets regarding what they DID NOT DO, and that made the dying process more difficult for them. It seemed that their life was incomplete, so they seemed afraid or unwilling to leave. Those who lived a full life, with no regrets, died more content.
Stuart Woods 10+
Cory Lintern
Colleen Steen 500+
So, you have hurt yourself (regret) with your hurt to other people? I ask this because I believe that we are all interconnected. When we realize this, we have no desire to lash out at others, because we realize we are only hurting ourselves. When we are aware of the interconnections, we no longer experience the destructive cycle of lashing out, regret, more lashing out, more regret....etc.
That's why I said it is a very insightful discovery on your part. Change the way we think....we change the way we feel...and it might change our life experience:>)
Fonkou Djoendia
Fritzie Reisner 100+
Another more minor regret is that I sometimes don't jump ship fast enough from degenerating, no-win situations. Several times I have been in environments that changed in my tenure there from open and progressive to narrow and regressive, and I have hung on too long, working hard to revive the corpse. It is a useful skill to know "when to hold 'em and when to fold em," as they say in an old country song.
Sarah Ronan
It will come along. It may not be in the timing or the way you expect, but it will happen.
Anthony Swafford
T Rose