- sarah boardman-miller
- Milwaukee, WI
- United States
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How do you move beyond why, when someone takes their own life? How do we get beyond the shame?
I wrote an open letter to my dad, my dear friends, those that have also been left to move forward. http://sparkignitefire.me/2012/02/14/open-letter-to-those-that-chose-that-moment/
It has had 1000's of reads in just over 2 months. This is a conversation that is desperate to happen.
Closing Statement from sarah boardman-miller
The gratitude I feel is almost overwhelming.
Thank you for being raw, able to be loved and sharing your hearts.
Let's continue the conversation.
I adore you.
Peter Ratcliffe
Thank you Sarah for initiating this discussion. It has led me to a place (Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors) where my experience and words might help others, and I am grateful to you for that.
it takes courage to publicly discuss suicide and we need more of these discussions to better heal survivors of suicide. Healing survivors better will surely help prevent suicides.
be well and thank you,
Peter
Joni Greever
You are important to many people and the world, too. You shouldn't be suffering.
Joni Greever
I made no secret that my son died of depression almost 5 years ago. I mentioned depression and asked everyone to be aware of the signs in his obituary. I got nothing but good feedback and thanks for bringing it into the open, where it needs to be.
We have no right whatsoever judging others. Period.
Adriaan Braam 20+
Are there any situations with your son (what he said or did) that, afterwards, you recognized as steps or indications leading toward suicide? Something that could give others a heads-up, a warning. Even what depression 'looks' like could be helpful.
Since I do not know his age, was he still at home or even married? Was he the first in the family? Was he physically healthy? Was he maybe bullied?
Joni Greever
Preston (elder of two boys), 31, made no secret of his depression and wish to end his life. I tried to help him for years, but he got to the point he didn't want help - he wanted out. He had constant thoughts of worthlessness, that he was a burden, that we'd be better off without him. It caused him physical pain, esp. in his back and stomach. He had horrible nightmares. He self-medicated with alcohol and drugs. He was happy for a few minutes when he married and had a son, but he managed to sabotage that with his erratic behavior. He just didn't feel he belonged here. He was popular, had friends, no bullying, girls loved him. He was handsome and had a brilliant mind like so many of the suicides I know of.
Adriaan Braam 20+
It is always incredible how different we can seem on the outside, from how we actually are on the inside.
Were there any specialists that tried to help you? Or would you recommend to go a certain route? I guess it is hard to actually control or help someone that is not living in your house any more.
We knew that our daughter needed her sleep and not the drinks and the food she useually got. While at our house, with our schedule, she had no seizures.
At least I think (know) both your and our kids are fine now.
Joni Greever
Preston saw a psychiatrist briefly and got better for a bit, but couldn't afford his anti-depressants and we didn't know or we would have helped (even though I am anti-psychotropic drugs). By the time we knew, he didn't care anymore. When he had scrapes with the law, I wrote letters begging them to mandate treatment and was ignored...twice.
Maybe it wasn't a life gone wrong. Maybe he was clearing up his karmic debt.
sarah boardman-miller
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
You are a courageous mom.
Suicide should not be swept under the rug. Everything that leads to that moment needs to be talked about. The helplessness one feels trying not to be a bystander to the spiraling depression, addiction/alcoholism, or in one friends case-a traumatic brain injury that lead him down that path.
No secrets.
Sending you love.
sarah boardman-miller
Joni Greever
Mary M. 100+
May you find comfort, peace and healing and as you help others with this most sad experience.
Sending you love also,
Mary M.
Tina Deschamps
Thank you for your words. You are the first person who posted here who seems to truly understand suicide. I have personally struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for most of my life (I'm currently 41). It has little to do with circumstances and much to do with the physiology of the brain. Depression is like being stuck in a bog. Every little daily thing takes so much effort that it would be easier to just not do anything. But people are depending on you. You have to get up and make yourself do it, even if it hurts both physically and emotionally. It is this constant struggle, this knowledge that you are a drain on those you care for most, that leads to the feeling of worthlessness. Especially in a society dominated by the Puritan work ethic. In this society we are valued far more for our accomplishments than just for being, or at least that is what we are led to believe. However, if it were true, then suicide would be a relief to all involved. It isn't because our real value is in just being. We are loved for just being. And that is what keeps me alive during the dark times.
sarah boardman-miller
You are amazing.
You are courageous.
You are here to teach us how to serve you better.
thank you for sharing your story.
You being here is such a gift.
Peter Ratcliffe
After my brother's suicide I was shocked at how many firends and acqaintances shared their own stories of family suicides.
Suicide is a choice made by some. Most often it's rooted in mental illness, sometimes it's a completely rational response to a life of intractable pain (mental or physical) or hopeless outlook, sometimes it's an irrational and fatal outburst to a moment of intense pain in an otherwise decent life. Often we'll never really know the thinking of those who killed themselves, even if they leave a message behind.
Isolation and lack of discussion are key triggers. Expecting the potential suicide to suddenly call a hotline isn't going to resolve most suicides. To reduce the numbers of future suicides we need to reduce the stigmatization and guilt, better heal the survivors and especially discuss openly the damage and confusion left behind.
We are each the solution, capable of touching an at risk life and helping to lead them back from the dark abyss they find themselves fixated on. Thank you Sarah for your gift of opening this discussion.
sarah boardman-miller
Please keep writing and sharing Peter. You have a story to tell.
Thank you, thank you.
sarah boardman-miller
Mary M. 100+
Not everyone can be as candid as you have been.
So, thank you dear Sarah. Many of us are learning quite a bit by reading the comments being made.
sarah boardman-miller
A conversation is always two sided (even if it is with ourselves). Progress is made every time someone has the courage to write or speak.
This is a wonderful article that was given to me by someone that gets it all.
http://www.scribd.com/UnmotheredChild/d/55467332-DonKalschedinterview
Enjoy.
carla hartley
sarah boardman-miller
Yes, I agree. Most people know someone or have experienced suicide close to home. Thank you for bringing up that mental illness is a fatal disease. We see it all the time and do not even know it. When someone is an addict/alcoholic and deep in their disease, you see not only the effect, but the outward signs of that mental illness-bruising, jaundice, hormone imbalance, etc. Mental illness takes all forms, it is not just the person taking to themselves and hearing voices.
Ohh the places we could go on mental illness.
Great suggestions for people and once someone has reconciled the stigma, they can teach others to as well.
Thank you Carla!
Robert Winner 50+
sarah boardman-miller
I quite agree. All of those that have made that choice are still the same people we loved prior.
After my Father's death, his dear friends mourned the loss of their comrade...their bright and genuine (even though not warm and fuzzy by any stretch of the imagination) friend.
My latest one, David was in Jan. I had known him for over 20+ years. He is missed, though in my heart I know he is happy.
So that makes me happy.
Thank you for your insight.
The conversation is really wonderful.
Adriaan Braam 20+
You have experienced hell, and so has your dad. But first two words of caution.
Death is not of life, death is only of the body. We are not our body, we are not human because of our body. We are human because of our spirit, not because of our body. So when we focus all our attention on the death of someone's body, however that happened, we are not thinking of life. We are focusing on the negative, on the meaningless, on the temporal. So in fact we are focusing on nothing important.
When we lost our daughter about ten years ago (see the link on my profile), we were obviously very and extremely sad. However, we were glad for her because now she was happy. No one comes back from a NDE saying they are glad to be back. My wife didn't.
Second, your dad, if he could talk to you now, would tell you (first that he is sorry for leaving the way he did) but now to please get on with your own life and focus on your own kids and their life.
As human beings, Swedenborg writes, we receive the soul tendencies of the father. So, again, be careful dear.
If people only realized that being human means we live in the spiritual world. This spiritual world is within us, within our body if you like. This has far reaching consequences. We have the two 'parts' of this spiritual world, heaven and hell, inside of us. This is what gives us our spiritual balance or free will, our freedom to think whatever we want and to love whatever we like.
Just as heaven would like nothing more than for us to be good and happy and become angels, hell has other plans and will do anything to make us spiritually blind and distraught and depressed.
The present spiritual ignorance does certainly not help those in difficult situations. The thoughts that pop into our mind are not ours, they are not us. They either come from that heaven or hell. Only what we dwell on becomes part of us, unless we change our mind.
This whole spiritual environment is where we all live, including those that died.
sarah boardman-miller
I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. One cannot know that pain of burying a child.
Your view into the following of Swedenborg is very enlightening. Thank you for sharing.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Bob Van Oosterhout 20+
It is helpful to understand that a person who commits suicide is blind. As pain and fear increase our field of vision, the frame through which view and interpret our world, becomes smaller as it focuses more and more on the pain. At some point , the pain fills the whole picture. One may be blinded by physical or emotional pain, by hopelessness, mental illness, substance abuse, or other issues, but the bottom line is that all one sees is pain, and the only end to the pain they see is death. At that moment, they were blind to the love of those around them and could not see or feel any sense of hope or help. (Helping a person move away from suicide, in my experience, is most easily done by helping them to recognize that they are blind, accept the pain as a natural part of the human condition to some degree and to see a slightly larger picture.)
The question “why do they do it” can be answered truthfully in all cases with a simple response “because they were blind.” It is not much different than a blind person unknowingly stepping off a cliff. They simply did not fully understand their situation and the options available to them.
Every time questions regarding how or why it happened come into our minds, it is helpful to develop the habit of answering each one with a statement, “because they were blind at the moment.”
sarah boardman-miller
Blindness, how incredible.
The ever narrowing field of vision. Pain does that. People with chronic pain, must have it as well.
Thank you, how amazing.
With your permission, may I use this as a reason?
All my best
Bob Van Oosterhout 20+
The key in managing chronic pain is not to resist it. When we resist or fight pain, we build tension which actually makes the pain worse while narrowing our focus on the pain. Narrowing one's focus on the pain increases tension further which in turn makes it worse and narrows the focus still more setting up an ever escalating cycle that leads to what I call emotional blindness.
Ken brown 30+
sarah boardman-miller
Thank you to all that are participating in this incredibly rich and wonderful conversation.
Adriaan Braam 20+
Maybe this will help too,
http://www.egogahan.com/Spiritual%20Issues/suicide.html
Seems to me that humanity would be helped more by trying to prevent suicides, than fighting shame.
In your open letter there is one sentence: "You were only 12." (I assume that each line as about a different case). Any human being that dies (in whatever way) before they are rational (mature) go straight to heaven.
This will tell you anything you ever wanted to know about the next life,
http://sites.google.com/site/liveitupspiritually/home/writings/Heaven%20and%20Hell.pdf?attredirects=0&d=1
The more influence the hells have, the more suicides we'll see.
sarah boardman-miller
All the bullying and suicides in children has got to stop.
Thank you for your enlightening threads.
Ayan Ghoshal
Do not sit with it - move on , don't feel ashamed but think of the things u can do to make the unfortunate people happy. Give your best and you shall succeed . [ Always keep this in mind that feeling bad will neither change the past nor the present and future ]
What are the best things that you do ?
sarah boardman-miller
Thank you.
I personally do not feel shame surrounding suicide. My fathers parents until their deaths felt deep shame. That somehow his choice as an adult (almost 50) reflected on them. When I think about shame and suicide, it is selfish. There is much we can learn from those that leave us. The "why" comes in and out.
I see death, whether it be from cancer, an accident or your own hand as a window to learn and then teach others how to learn.
Again, thank you for your kind and insightful words.
Mary M. 100+
She asked me, mom how is shame connected to suicide? And I told her, well, it's the living that feel the shame, embarrassment at having to explain the way the family member died, I failed to tell her also, what you brought out in this comment............that we can sometimes feel other's actions reflects on us. I will certainly tell her this also.
Thank you Sarah, for this timely conversation........having elderly parents, and not having undergone the loss of anyone in the family for the last 22 years, my children have never dealt with such an experience, perhaps this conversation will help me, help them when the time comes.
Thank you, thank you!!!
sarah boardman-miller
My girls 4 and 5, we talk about "papa Tom". Children are so incredible, so compassionate and I believe born empathics.
Thank you for sharing this with your daughter.
Adriaan Braam 20+
We have the free will to think, want and love whatever we decide to. That's why there are prisons and punishments so we can change our mind (and many do).
From day one, we are meant to be raised to grow up and become good people. We decide by our many daily choices what our eternity will be like. Only we decide, nobody else, not even God. No one is ever born for hell, but everyone is born to go to heaven, if we want to.
Chris Kelly 20+
By first asking why ... asking all of the why's.
Why did you take your life?
Why didn't you talk to me first?
Why did you not trust me to love you enough to help ease your pain in life?
Why didn't you love me enough to stay here with me?
Why did you end your own suffering, only to spread it among those who love you?
Why was your pain so much greater than my own, that you had to leave me alone with it rather than share the burden?
Why couldn't you think of someone other than yourself?
Why did you choose that form of departure?
Why wasn't I enough of a reason for you to stay?
Why ?
Why you?
Why me?
Why?
Ask all the why's ... and then ask them again ... and again ... until the tears stop falling and you can forgive.
Forgiveness is healing.
There is great karmic debt incurred when we take our own life ... being forgiven helps pay that debt.
When someone is suffering so much that they cannot bear to continue living this life, their soul is in agony, even after physical death. Perhaps if more people understood this, there might be fewer suicides.
Physical death does not ease the pain of a suffering soul.
Forgiveness does.
.
How do we get beyond the shame? Same answer ... forgiveness. When you can forgive, the only thing left is love, because where there is love, there's no room for shame. Try not to let the final act of their life be what defines them. Remember the love and it will carry you through the pain...
sarah boardman-miller
stunning, thank you for sharing.
Forgiveness is the key to so many things.
It takes courage and love.
love love love,
thank you,
Mary M. 100+
I think that it would be terrible to go through the suicidal death of a close friend or family member. For me personally I would be asking myself if there was not something I could do about it.
I liked the way Linda said, 'what am I to learn from this?'
We need to be aware that human beings are fragile. If you see someone who appears sad put your hand on their shoulder, ask them how they are, smile at that lady who appears to be withdrawn at church, call up an old friend, talk to your neighbor, find out why your cousin has withdrawn from the family......action...............we have to show personal interest in others.
Because, "when all is said and done, there will usually be more said than done"
Your question and the answers thus far are excellent. I will continue to follow this thread, it is very interesting...
Be Well Sarah...your daughters look adorable.
Mary
sarah boardman-miller
While I agree that sometimes, some are able to express themselves with outwardly sadness or depression. Others that are on this path often times do not tell anyone or express that they "want out" or are in too much pain and death is on the agenda.
It almost seems to come out of nowhere. My father was a brilliant man and I knew from a very young age that he would die young. I honestly did not know what that meant or when it would happen. I was 25 when he left this world. His brilliance was not enough. His pain was too great.
There is not a day that I wonder if I could have made a difference in his decision. I believe it was made a long time ago.
Such a rich conversation,
thank you for sharing.
Linda Taylor 50+
Why is the wrong question. It leads nowhere. It is just your brain searching for a rational explanation and there is none.
The appropriate question at a time like this, as a survivor, is 'what am I to learn from this?' That question, along with the greater understanding that sometimes it is not my lesson, is the only way the rational part of your brain can effectively deal with these issues.
That being said, the how is irrelevant. 'My son is dead' will be understood by everyone everywhere. Every mother and father on the planet can imagine that pain. Every sister, every brother. Grieve and let them grieve with you. I admire cultures where people rub ashes all over themselves in the grieving process. There is something symbolic in that. A symbol to the world. Because anyone that has experienced that level of grief understands that the rational mind is no longer in control. That unreal feeling of literally loosing your mind is part of the process.
Then, what's left is resolving the suicide within your own mind. It is only there where shame resides. What other people think or say will contribute to your own shame but that is within your control. No one can shame you without your permission.
What I can tell you is that a suicide is done because the pain is no longer bearable. There are no other viable options. As someone on the outside, of course we see options, but the person in pain does not. Understand, no other options.
The last thing is not to get caught up in the 'If only..' game. It is in our nature and it is part of 'what am I to learn from this.' But assigning blame does no one any good. It is far better to ask 'what am I to do now?' Movement is the only thing that gets a person through the next five minutes, five days, five months...
On the other side of grief, there will be beautiful memories. Cherished moments a precious time. A little grief will always be there but that is the lesson.
That is what I know
Tina Deschamps
Linda Taylor 50+
Martin Varhnis
The emotional toll it took on me was egregious: I rarely show physical signs of emotion, but I cried often, slept rarely, and constantly asked myself, "why?" for an extended period of time. I still occasionally think about my friend, still asking myself "Is there anything I could have done? Was I there enough for him? Why didn't he come to us (his close friends) with these buried issues?"
The answer is that the only real way to deal with a loved one's choice to take their own life is time. I was upset when I was first told this, but it is true. There should be NO shame in discussing your loved one's passing. It was their choice, not yours. You should not be ashamed, or feel shame for them. If they were capable of telling us now, I know that the emotion of 'shame' could in no way compete with the complex gathering of emotions that forced them into such an abrupt conclusion.
Remember them for who they were, the good in them. Do not let their suicide taint the great impression that they left on the world to cause the grief of their loss. I remember my friend as a great man who was capable of making an entire room laugh, ease tensions, and lead when everyone else followed. His poor decision towards the end of his life will never make me feel shame towards or for him.
sarah boardman-miller
Suicide is sudden and as I said in my earlier reply, sometimes truly unexpected.
The poet Ted Berrigan said "when someone dies they move from the outside of your body to the inside". I love this.
What society says about how he died is truly irrelevant. You lost someone dear. You won't see or hear them again. That is the pain for me.
Thank you so much for opening your heart to this.
Martin Varhnis
I appreciate it. That's a fantastic quote. Please let me know if there is anything more I can do to help you; with the kindest regards and heartfelt sympathy.
sarah boardman-miller
My latest suicide, David, was in Jan. He was a dear friend of many years. A lover of the earth and an arborist. While there is still grief, I saw very quickly how much he taught me in life and with his death. I see him in every change in the weather, every leaf and season.
Ken brown 30+
sarah boardman-miller
Just as someone dies of cancer or in a car accident, there is a choice we as the living need to make. Do I make my life about grief or do I accept and bring awareness and love on the ones they left behind.
With suicide, I feel there is another level of acceptance that has to happen. People feel like it is okay to die of cancer but not to take your own life. Regardless of where one stands on suicide being a choice, it is burdened with shame. When someone asks you, "how did they die?" does shame rear it's head or do you tell the truth?
Ken brown 30+
So for us we know it and understand death in all it's forms,how that person arrived at that point means nothing to us, it is the final sending that is all that matters.
The world doesn't need to know as linda stated in her post because some react strange or go cold,it's not your problem it's theirs if you choose to tell them and it will save you alot of questions and ceremony that can make you feel that you are obliged to follow but i can only answer from my personal experiences and the culture/s that i was raised in.I used to say to people that were not of my people that "He went sideways" or "He topped himself" but that was anger at my brother speaking, now i just say it "He killed himself" as it was a long time ago.Time is the sea and the sunset is where we all sail to.
Linda Taylor 50+
Mary M. 100+
How very interesting. I have a close friend whose dad died at 1 in the morning from a stroke. He lived in the caribbean. By the time she got there, he was already buried. How sad that was to see, she got no closure.
I remember watching a PBS special on death. In it the speakers shared how you can make your own coffin, and even have the funeral service in your home in several states.
And they showed how some coffins are made so that the friends and relatives can write notes on it...........I really liked this idea.........because it helps with closure. I am not afraid to talk about death and dying. I think, like you say Ken, that it is important to realize it is a part of life.
I find going to a funeral home to hear a talk about the deceased from someone who did not know him personally a bit awful.
and Ken.........what a beautiful quote: "Time is the sea, and the sunset is where we all sail to". I'm sorry for your loss Ken, I'm sorry.
Linda Taylor 50+
Mary M. 100+
The tradition is important for their emotional health........which is connected to physical health. Yes I see.
Thank you
sarah boardman-miller
Ayan Ghoshal
sarah boardman-miller
What are your thoughts?