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barb lundgren

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The place to start a real conversation is with oneself. This is the voice the voice that has been squelched, most often from birth onward.

I think Sherry raises some critical points in the evolution of human development, consciousness and communication. She advises us to relearn how to talk to one another, sharing conversation, for example, around the dinner table. Have you seen the kind of conversations that this results in? I have been watching them for decades and they are not typically conversations. Most children and their thoughts, ideas, expressions, passions and preferences have been thwarted from birth or young childhood on. The real conversations, the ones that allow for the the development of authenticity, passion and true engagement with all of life begin inside. Begin that conversation... between myself and I. Don't let anyone else in until that center feels strong, confident and ready for external conversation.

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Topics: Child language acquisition Human communication child development communication early childhood interpersonal relationship
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  • Cynthia Timko

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    Apr 5 2012: Thanks, Barb. Have you ever been accused of "being too much iside your head" or "living in an ivory tower", being the princess and the pea" in the fairy tale, or overly analytical in you endeavours to be alone with yourself, without being lonely? I have. It's a hard concept to get across to some people. It can look like coldness and aloofness sometimes to others. It takes a lot of effort to convince people you are not trying to slight them--not in the least. It isn't about them.

  • Ed Schulte 50+

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    Apr 4 2012: As long as you include

    That during this "internal" dialogue ...

    it VERY specifically includes the Not criticizing, chastising, judging, praising, weighing in , in any way by the Present day egoic mind

    But does include ONLY …the silent / Loving / observing by ones higher ( and True ) Self, then I will Generally agree with what you are saying.In All the talk going on at TED about about, shaming, free of failure, happiness etc etc there is careful avoidance to any consideration of becoming the 'Silent Watching Observer. '
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      barb lundgren

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      Apr 4 2012: When left to one's own internal, thoughtful devices from birth onward, the self criticism and shaming you refer to does not exist. Why would it? We get those messages from others who treat us as if they knew more or were more intelligent than we: parents, educators, spiritual leaders, etc. We are born intelligent, wise and capable. An environment of unconditionally supportive love and freedom allows us to grow maximally in the powerful directions unique to each of us. Good point Ed.

  • Cynthia Timko

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    Apr 4 2012: Precisely, Yale. My childhood and teenage introversion has turned into a craving to connect with people in the flesh and find out what makes them tick, but now only that I know what makes me tick.

  • Cynthia Timko

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    Apr 4 2012: Dear Barb,You have made a point I have been trying to get across to certain people for whom I care a great deal for a long time: rule one is to know and be comfortable with oneself and DO NOT allow anyone or anything distract you from that first. basic requirement in being human, and even before hoping to be able to connect authentically with others. Technology is not the only thing that distracts us from that end, however. Too often it is fear of what we might find if we find ourselves. Then technology, among other things, can be a distraction from the sometimes uncomfortable truth we find inside. And. yes, we fear being alone because we equate it with loneliness. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am breaking my own rule here, or I guess more accurately, making an exception to my rule of becoming involved in an on-line conversation, but this is a subject close to my heart. I was enamored of it for the first few years I had a computer, but have since withdrawn memberships or simply ignored them on quite a number of discussion networks . I recently received a compliment from someone I knew on a comment of mine that went to Facebook, as almost everything seems to do these days. It was a very rare thing for me to do. I sign petitions, perhaps with a short comment, post it to my wall, and forget about it. Engaging in discussions whether they be political, religious, or the color of the sky, or in this discussion is something I just don't do except with real, flesh and blood friends and one or two left the early daywas astounded to finded I hade literally dozens of "friend" requests from people I do not know or have any connection with except through a real friend, someone I knew in flesh and blood, three or five or seven times removed. People have been running away from themselves forever with a variety of distractions, whether it be sex, drugs. rock 'n roll, movies, fantasies whatever. Technology is just the most recent-and extremely convenient way of doing so
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      barb lundgren

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      Apr 4 2012: I love your comments and can completely relate to the distractions that most of us create for ourselves to assuage the horror of being alone, really alone, with oneself. That is the final frontier, aloneness. That state of full and comfortable immersion with oneself, alone.
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    edward long 100+

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    Apr 4 2012: Would it be accurate to paraphrase your idea as:" Know why you are conversing."?
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      barb lundgren

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      Apr 4 2012: I LOVE the simplicity of what you say here. When we are really conversing, and not just "making conversation," for authenticity and joy and satisfaction we must have a connected sense of what is important to us. We do have to know WHY we are conversing. When conversing is satisfying and life enhancing, we are engaged. To be engaged requires a thoughtful presence that can only come from knowing who we are... or knowing why we are conversing. Thanks for this simple encapsulation of the essence of the beautiful and soul satisfying art of conversation.
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        edward long 100+

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        Apr 4 2012: You are welcome. If I am anything, I am simple. I know why I conversed with you, and now I know why you conversed with me! Bingo!

  • Yale Wang

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    Apr 4 2012: Introversion, when done properly, leads to extroversion. We really do need a lot more open discussion, since everyone is closed. Also check out my other question in this forum.
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      barb lundgren

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      Apr 4 2012: I couldn't find your question so I can't respond to that, but yes, I agree that immersion into oneself very naturally leads to a desire to explore relationships with others. Perhaps not extroversion as we know it, but certainly a reaching out to others for contact and connection.

      • Yale Wang

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        Apr 5 2012: Self-understanding, self-actualization, self-concept in the midst of others, whatever you want to call it and the process. Some people describe it as a spiritual experience, others deep contemplation.

        By the way, here's the question I referred to: http://www.ted.com/conversations/10535/a_discussion_style_school_club.html

        And I agree, we all have that inner voice that we at all times push away from influencing our daily lives, a call to philosophy that is also ignored. We are experts at silencing and oppressing that voice whenever we try to help us through that voice embodying ourselves, fearing the irrelevance.
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