TED Conversations

Konstantin Karasik

This conversation is closed. Start a new conversation
or join one »

Deception in Dating and Relationships

I deeply believe in truth! i like being honest and i like being honest to.
From my knowledge some people "play games" when they first dating with someone, games that play on our insecurities or of "child candy" where they wave something that you want (meeting them, being with them, sex?) and they dont give it to you... unless you do something, follow a path they want and so on.

Mostly my problem is with the games themselves, and maybe it because i am not good at them, but it seems that people enjoy them! It is said that it makes the relationship stronger in the later stage.... if you survive and can play the game.

After Marco's talk i see how people might enjoy things, and i wander if this same outlook is to be used when dating someone? meaning that such games can actualy be good and really make you enjoy them?

What do you think?

+1
Share:
progress indicator
  • thumb
    Mar 31 2012: The problem with games is knowing when to stop.
  • Mar 31 2012: Deception in dating and relationships is caused by the inequality between males and females. When equality between females and males in acknowledged and implemented, all the other lies in society will cease and we can all live truthfully, healthfully, prosperously, happily ever after. It's that simple.
    • thumb
      Apr 1 2012: I think this Robert Sapolski documentary is cogent:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOndiLYmNyc&feature=relmfu
      Probably worth watching the whole doccumentary.
      Sapolski also has a talk on TED.
      The problem with primates is what happened to the advantage generated by social communication - community.
      Originally, that advantage evolved to compete with and control other species.
      Selection worked to enhance the community.
      But at some point, that advantage was turned away from other species and was turned on each other.
      Evolution - producing good communities - turned into involution.
      Involution favours the sociopath and psychopath.
      We have eroneously labelled these defective humans "alpha males".
      It is only the alpha male that exerts inequality against females.
      If this trend is not reversed soon, then the primacy of sociopaths and psychopaths will eventually destroy the species.
      Involution is an evolutionary dead-end.
      • Apr 3 2012: Good points you make, Mitch. Thanks for expressing your true thoughts and mentioning the Sapolski talk and documentary. I appreciate your input. Happy Today.
    • thumb
      Apr 1 2012: I believe that when the alpha male is removed, then the courtship behaviours change.
      THe male presents to the female, and it is the femail who choses.
      With the alpha male in the mix, the choice of the female is subsumed by male competition.
      The female becomes a prize.
      Historians and philosophers totally failed to identify this disease.
      They looked to other species and saw male competition as an essential part of courtship.
      But the species they took as their model were reliant on physical fittness - there is a value for the strongest to survive - because they will be more physically fit to protect the young from predators.
      Humans are not at all like that - we are not physically strong, we don't need to be personally dominant to survive - human fitness is based on social cohesion - on empathy and cooperation.
      Just lately, you will have noticed how competition amongst humans has become the supreme god - we now worship the psychopath - and psychopaths are running everything. THey are defined by their lack of empathy. If science had anything vital to give us - it would be a cure for psychopathy. THen you could put it in the water like flouride.
  • Apr 4 2012: First, know that honesty has nothing to do with truth!
    Truth is the truth: What something really is!

    Honesty may be truthful. But it can also be just an opinion, often wrong one, childish need to articulate feelings. If you believe in a lie, you will honestly lie.
    So the games can be very truthful and very dishonest. Sometimes at the same time!

    Second, games are not suited for everyone! Your character influence your behavior greatly. Find out who you are on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator
    To quote "intj tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship)" Maybe you are intj...


    Third, find Double your Dating, second edition. Read it, read it again, learn by heart bridges part and use it. It just works ;) Yes, it deals with games in dating also.
  • Apr 4 2012: In his book Love and Responsibility, Karol Wojtyla says, “a person must not be merely the means to an end for another person” (p. 25). In all relationships, the means must serve both the end and the subject (p. 24). http://www.jp2.info/Theology_of_the_Body.pdf
  • Apr 2 2012: Ive recently delved into this subject.

    I am just gonna put down the men's perspective here, dont vindicate me for ignoring womens though, thats not what this is about.

    I am in a hotel bar and having a nice conversation with a lady, she says she needs to go bed but keeps hanging around. I ask her.

    "Would you like to come to my room?"
    "No thanks." She still hangs around.
    "Youre welcome to come up, do you want to?"
    "I dont know?" I realise the game.
    "Erm, okay... I think you should."

    We get up to the room and I find her suddenly just as eager as i am.

    What is the lesson here? Guys tease girls, girls pretend they dont like it, girls say no and often mean yes. Guys learn to ignore what girls say, learn to persist when girls say no. Its fun most of the time, but if i was not in a bar but asking a workmate on a date, could it be called harrassment? If the last thing a girl says is a coy "no" before sex, what does that mean considering rape? Look at the ambiguity in the Julian Assange case. Porn is considered to be a perpetuator of rape myths, what about the "no sometimes does in fact mean yes" game.

    My comment is more about sexual initiatives, but what Im saying is that fun games can have consequences that you dont think about. I enjoy playing games, but sometimes they can backfire.
  • thumb
    Apr 2 2012: I am extremely good at games. haha :) I don't play them because I don't believe in them. I don't like the seriousness and the meanness of most of these 'games.' They are literally trying to trick, not like a magic show where you suspend reality... just a person bending reality without your permission. These games are at your expense. Duping someone or being duped gives a very visceral sense of where the power lies. There is the principle of power and sexuality. It could explain a lot, but I don't know much about it to be honest.

    I do think there are other types of games. One person I dated would lie to me about unimportant things (tell me his birthday was one date, and later say it was another), and it literally was a game. He did not have anything to gain, and he liked when I figured him out, and I liked when he tricked me. I'm sure other people have similar games with different parameters that are not REALLY meant to be deceptive.

    Then again, some people like any and all games just for the challenge.